Tuesday, Summer day

It’s been a good day. Hot summer day with sun tannng sun.  I have air conditioning inside. Drove to the clinic this morning .Enjouyed seeing colleagues and staff. Patients were a good lot, motivated, progressing.  I’m just being there.  Doing the next right thing.  ODAT.  Staying present.  Sometimes see myself from above.  Playing a part. Saying what I’ve said thousands of times before. Trying to connect, be authentic, be genuine, say what a person needs to hear.  I’m not in the flow so much as going with the flow.

Listened to Donald MacPherson, executive director of the Canadian Drug Policy Coalition.  Good interview.  I agree with decriminalization.  I agree that heroin should be prescribed and appreciated his criticism of government and it’s celebration of alcohol and cigarettes while scapegoating other drugs.  I still think abstinence is the treatment of choice but have always followed other treatments. I’ve practiced wilderness medicine and rarely have I had the opportunity to apply the ‘treatment of choice.’  There’s never the resources. Increasingly I’m doing third world medicine in Canada.  I heard Dr. Sutherland speaking out against the government mismanagement. I liked her whenever I met her. A good doctor.  I’ve just seen ten thousand people over 30 years and remember being in charge of a detox when I was doing my psychiatric residency after working on wet reserves with the university and Indian affairs. A college girl called me ‘racist’ for calling it ‘Indian affairs’ , told me I didn’t know anything about treating aboriginals.  Said I couldn’t help at all if I slurred natives with such labels.  She’s politically correct.  Don’t think she’ll ever get her hands dirty.  Most of government sit in meetings and don’t know what they’re talking about.  I remember when I worked in government. I spent so much time in committee meetings rubberstamping bullshit I had no time to actually do real work.  Now here I am still chopping wood and carrying water.  

I wanted to be a clinician. I’d wanted to be in the university too but the corruption there stopped that. I sometimes wonder about teaching in a college.

I keep meaning to write my book on dogs. I’ve got so many chapters completed. Just need to stitch it together, edit it and publish it. 

There’s the psychiatry book I’m due to write.  

I’d like to wake up and write. Go to my office or deck and each day at a big table lay out my work and complete the projects.  Three months. Easier if I had assistance.  I could hire an assistant.  I’ve got cleaning ladies once a month.  

I still see patients. Each day and someday the negativity, anger, depression, despair and fear such the air out of the room.

I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. I like paying off the mortgage, paying for repairs. Everything is depreciating and requiring upkeep.  The oil light came on in the truck. 

I’m looking forward to snowbirding this fall and maybe spring. That’s the goal.  Keeping on working virtual but saving my lungs and health with dry sun and heat. I d like to go to Berlin and Vienna.  Maybe a train trip to the major cities. I’ve a desire to go to Bangkok and the Phillipines. I want to see South America.  I’ve a desire to go on safari in Africa.  But none of these are pressing. It was really pressing for me to go to Scotland and the Louve. I had that desire build through Covid and the war with Ukraine and Russia.  Now I’m waiting on a camper to go camping. I’ve a week of bow hunting with Laura. 

I enjoyed downloading furniture to the Bustards and see the kids.They have all grown.   Bobby is a big squirmy and Billy a little runner.  Izek and Alex and Kindra are little people.  Kevin and Anna look happy and alive.  Good times.

I’m still in Limbo.  Doing the next right thing. Praying, Meditating. Dr. Ready , the chiropracter is helping my back. I’m having hope and don’t feel the pain and despair I knew in June and earlier.  I survived the vaccines.

I’m okay.  It’s all well.  I go to meetings and share.  I’m grateful. It’s all good.  I had a bungee cord stolen today at the shopping market in Burnaby.  Inflation. Trudeau. Mordor.  Aculturation. Drugs.  Bad times.  A pink bungee cord on the vespa. Two of them. The meaning and symbol.  Theives and lawlessness abound here.  The Trudeau Canada.  

It was just a little break in a good day.   All is well. Thank you Yeshua.  Thank you God.  

Reading novels. Watching tv. Eating leftover pizza.  Taking Madigan for walks around the neighbourhood.  Looking forward to lying on my couch in the sun mid day.

Bow hunting Sept weekend.  Early morning hunt then afternoon relaxation .  

I’m not that motivated.  I don’t have a lot of drive.  I just seem to muddle along.  

“I’m just a small being in the large scheme of things’, the counsellor said to me at the clinic

“I’m just the kazoo in the symphony of life. I am the voiceover on the comic strip at best.” I said in reply

We laughed. 

Laura’s doctors were evicted and have a new building. Laura’s organizing and setting up. Her psychotic one lied about getting his injection. She’s heard ing ducks. Her kids received an inheritance so are doing well now.  I like watching Evie grow, like Madigan and Billy and Bobby. I’m enjoying seeing some of the kids born in Covid growing into little humans in pictures on Facebook. Life progresses.

I was looking at people guessing their age.  Realized I was the oldest person I’d seen when I was out.  I think of myself as maybe 40.  I used to think I was 17.  I liked my friend who called herself eyes looking out of a corpse.  My patient said since he’d sobered up he thinks a lot of his own mortality.  Denial of death came to mind. Existential angst.  Here we are in life and not knowing what will come

Olivia Newton John died today.  So many of the celebrities I grew up on having birthdays and looking old or dying and dead.  Hard to relate to my cohort and maintain an optimism of immortality. I know I’ll live on but no idea what tomorrow will bring.  I live and work to give my dog a good life.