It’s hard to get back to sleep since Covid. I’d been dreaming of taking a group of friends on my sailboat into that harbour I always return to in my dreams. Tom was there and Laura to. Madigan was with me. Then I was in a huge cathedral where people were sitting about discussing God and life, ethics and character. I next was in a cafe and I had my Excaliber 30:06 with me and another man was there cleaning his rifle. It might have been Kevin. I was talking to George and that’s when I woke up to the phone. Thankful to remember the dreams. The locations were part of my heaven. This place I go in my dreams, an Athens like peninsula.
Madigan cuddled and comforted me through the night. I tried to get back to sleep and dozed and prayed.
I began this blog as a step up from my previous writing collection. Since I was a teen I’ve been writing. I had 3 ring binders. I kept a personal journal which had a recurrent theme of guilt about masturbating then about sex then about masturbation. A personal journal chronicling my lust and short fall from love. I’d also record resentments and self pity. Then I had another binder which was about travel and ideas. I had for years story and poetry snippets. Then there were long philsophival and theological discourses .I kept these in cardboard boxes which ended up in basements and storage lockers.
When I began this blog I had several themes and others have told me they wished I’d separated them like I did the binders. One was the journal. It still records the confusion about sex drive. Freudian psyvhiatry is all about sex and aggression. So there’s that.
The other theme is travel and observations . This is coupled with photographs I take of my adventures and experiences
Then there is the psychiatric discourse.
Then there are the theological discourses.
Then the travel journal and observations, anthropological and personal
Sharing my personal journal was an experiment in transparency. I found that too many of my patients and people I knew had the false notion that their thoughts were different in kind from other ‘well people’. They aren’t. People who have read my personal journal have said ‘you’re crazy’. I’ve asked them ‘don’t you think like that at time? “. They’ve invariably said “I do but I’d never share it.”
We are as sick as our secrets.
We no longer have the luxury of privacy. The PM can be fucking goats in his children bed room with his wife snorting coke but the majority of us don’t have a body guard and information control . We can’t by reporters and CBC. I don’t know what the Saudi Prince puts up his ass, frogs or gerbils or scorpions but a journalist was killed in the embassy and chopped up while his wife waited for him outside. The Argentinian police were nortorious for have very small penis and a penchant for liking prostitutes to pour fresh squeezed mothers milk up their ass holes. Latinos have this mother thing. But we only knew about the government sexual inadequacy because all the reporters who learned about it and got pictures of the President fucking pigeons went missing. Finally we learned that the Clintons and Trudeau’s liked Epstein’s island and Epstein suicided. Mel Gibson is making a movie about the Rothschilds. Bankers wear diapers and suck on soothers while old ladies perform fellatio.
Perversion is everywhere. It’s part of the honey pot and spy industry and whole countries have been traded based on threat of disclosure of pictures of gay encounters.
Yesterday sex secrets were big business. Now the big tech companies, and all the social media agencies have more personal information on everyone than ever before. The Supreme Court Judge candidate lost his position when it was found his house ordered Debby Does Dhallas and other salacious material. It turned out it was his teen age son. Judges have access to the real thing so it’s usually teens and Communist Chinese Military that are into hard porn . The Communists have always listed after western girls not interested in their masculine comrades worn down by the chauvinism of Marx and Mao.
E.e. Cummings ‘They’ and ‘Thosepeople’ know everything about all of us. Obama even spied on the leaders of his allies. Homeland Security accesses everything. Theree’s a camera somewhere always. The police might not have clearance to access it but someone more elite does.
It’s all above my pay grade.
I wanted to show that sane people, I’m ultra sane, are crazy in their thoughts. What we think is everything. What we dwell on is different. The saying is a bird can shit on your head but you don’t let it make a nest in your hair. The brain is like a radio receiver. Even in my dreams I’m replaying a scene from the tv show I watched last night and a bit from a book I’m reading. They’re both about the Middle East so the tv plot and the book plot got mixed up in the dream.
It’s alright to think of suicide , homicide, sex with giraffes or flying. It’s not alright to act on a whole lot of thoughts. I really still want to touch the breasts of beautiful women I meet but I don’t want to be condemned for the dirty old man I am. Meanwhile the President is sniffing the hair of little girls and whacking off to memories of scents. Others are masturbating to images. I’ve talked to thousands of people normal and abnormal about their masturbatory fantasies. I’ve talked to thousands about their thoughts. I’ve listened to hundreds free associate. I’ve asked the most personal questions .I’ve examined gun shot wounds and see the ravages of children’s genitalia after adult rape.
I have a lot of fairly skewed experiences. I sit with people in church anf they’re concerned about thinking about a night with a whore. I’ve been in the whore house then been the doctor of escorts and confidant of escorts. I’ve listened to rapists and murderers.
its what you dwell on. I might think in passing about nuking a neighbour but its been decades since I took the time to spend weeks seeing how difficult it would be to make a dirty bomb. It’s been decades since I had a collections of poisons in the basement I found in the woods. I studied poison for a bit there like my friend kept snakes and studied venom.
Today i share my thoughts and am coming to the end of that project. PM Trudeau and other world leaders in the west are joining with the Communist UN and turning the clock back to the 15th century like the Taliban time pieces. Others are worshipping Marx and Lenin. It’s the 21st century and our PM is trapped somewhere back in the 19th venury to the 15th century. Merkle was a scientist and it was obvious. Trudeau is a nasty idiot with a family name and a trust fund. It’s obvious. We’ve had a number of these hollywood type leaders recently. Front men and front women. They’ve moved the world along to one world government and totalitarians. It’s scarey.
Freedom of speech is gone. So Freedom of thought will be gone soon. I wanted others to know they were okay. I’m okay you’re okay . But Freud with the National Socialists, the Nazi’s took charged escaped and said “maybe the paranoids are right’.
I’m thinking that too and I’m thinking that this ‘project’ of sharing my weakness and inadequacy and negativity might be enough. I”m clear that I doubt, am confused, have uncertainty, am moody. I’ve known that courage is doing the right thing in spite of fear. I’ve been courageous. Xi Jinping is a pig. A running dog killler and murferer. Dr. Robert Hares descriptions of sociopaths and psychopaths was the best. They’re charming and they were three pieces suits and fuck pond muck. They are a nest. They are insects that run together. The worlds leaders deal in war, drugs , child prostitution and power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. I don’t judge them at that level since maybe I’d be like them if I had more opportunity. The majority of people lead lives of quiet desperation and van’t afford to act out their vile impulses.
I’m going to work. At work I help people. It’s a good thing like the Buddhist idea of ‘right livelihood.’ I’m thankful. Thank you Jesus.
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