Mood

Mood is to the brain what fever is to the body.

I woke with an odd mood..  Can’t recall my dreams. Morning moods are often residual of dreams. I actually think my dreams were okay.  I slept more than 6 hours , so it could be I’m a little out of sorts due to not enough sleep. I’ve been reading this exciting book of the Moor invasion of Spain, their taking advantage of the infighting of Christians and betrayals of the crown.  We’ve an election coming here and the only way the left will win again will by divide and conquer. There are several right wing contenders siphoning off votes from the main contender.  I’m certainly weary of the politics of criminals and terrorists.  Kabul fell.

Mood is first a product of weather. There is no sun or blue sky this morning.  It may rain. With the forest fires the rain would clear the air and help the countryside,  The fact remains that I’m happier on sunny days. I ‘m convinced I’m part plant and checking my DNA would reveal I’ve got chlorophyll in sone places.

It’s a day of work and work has been fine. I’m going through the motions though.  I’m no longer trying to save the world. I’m doing my best but I’m not arguing. I’m not promoting health. I’m a Lordco parts department guy.  I don’t feel it’s worth enlightening the ignorant.  If people want to die, the Beurocratic say let them die. I tell people the options. I used to take joy in helping people become the best they could be, helping them get off drugs and alcohol and give up suicide and stop being delusional. I’d convince people that sanity was better than insanity. Now if you’re ‘precontemplation’ or even’ ‘contemplation mode I’m afraid to interfere with the government’s position in any matter even if it’s wrong.  Government is promoting drug use , abortion and euthanasia. That’s their brand.  I told a woman last week that her marijuana was the problem and she threatened to complain to the government.  I don’t want to deal with Herod and his brown shirts.  When I fired a girl smoking crack in my office the Nuremberg fat cat bureaucrats took her side and made my life helll. When I fellow threatened to kill his boss and then threatened to kill me they took his side.  These people are not ethical safe or moral. I’m afraid. I don’t want to lose any more precious time with their arrogance, ignorance and evil.  I can’t explain to them Arendt. I’m trying to ‘let go’ .  I’m trying not to have resentments. I’m trying to have acceptance.

I’ve no particular purpose or meaning in my life. I’m on God’s bench and doing God’s work when I’m called. So if a patient wants to get the best I give to them. The government even told us to give people cigarettes . I took a Hippocratic oath, formally, twice.  But if a person wants to die I’ll help them die. 

I saw that an antidepressant helped prevent Covid.  Luvox.  I thought maybe I should take that. I’d take it.  I don’t know if I’m depressed. I lack all faith in government.  I see the communist take over and watch the Agenda 21 and Davos evil unfolding and have a hard time having ‘hope’. I started my day with gratitude. I like breathing. Thank you Lord for breath.

I’m doing very well by all standards.  I’m lived a good life. I’m much sought after. I appear to be okay. I once was cutting edge. Now I’m okay still. I wonder about retirement. I keep circling back to that.    I remember taking on a mortgage as a kind of way to focus my immediate future. I could sell or pay off and live a good life. I don’t need the mortgage. I don’t need this ‘life style’. This life style, this home, my present existence all support this ‘work’.  If I wasn’t doing my ‘work’ I could be sailing the seas or travelling around the country,.  I like that my dog Madigan keeps me focused. I limit my choices with responsibilities and duties.  

I have often been ‘too free’.  Others have children. Without children you can be quite liberated.  Children are the symbols of solidity for me. Lots of folk with children chuck them too.  People give up their pets.  People take terrible liberties. I could walk away and maintain my integrity, care for my dog and myself okay.

I’ve earned this ‘liberty’.  It’s miniscule compared to previous years. Again the government is turning the country into a prison while the elite hypocrites fly above us all thumbing their noses.

It’s a mood thing. I’m kind of irritated. The coffee helps. On the weekend I added a piercing. I could have just as soon gone to Thailand and had a facelift , liposuction and breast augmentation.  I think as a new GURL I’d have a new lease on life and adventure.  I don’t feel like being a missionary in Africa any more.

I do good work. People get what they need to help them, the right diagnosis, the right recommendations and the right medications .  I liked that a group of people stopped their slow suicide with drugs and alcohol in the last few weeks. It’s a thankless job though. I’m the ‘strict’ parent.  They’ve all had ccounsellors and Doctors’s who have ‘enabled’ them and taken them down to where I stop the slide to oblivion but I’m afraid.  I don’t want to be ‘tough’ .  I want to be the ‘unconditional love’ mother and blame the father in the land for everything. I want to be the tit.  I’d like tits.  I ‘m considering when to be put out to pasture.  Time is sneaking up on me. It could only be decades away.  

I have a blank slate weekend and no plans.  Time is of the essence. I have a day free and I could do so many things but fear I’ll end up on a lawn chair or reading on my couch and feel life is passing me.  I could plan a trip. I could make an excursion to the island, go to the beach. Ride my motorcycle around the Duffy Lake loop.  I fear I’ll hide in my home.  

But I’n not that motivated.  Like so many people I talk to I’m ‘waiting’ .  The Delta Variant.  The South China Seas Conflict.  The elections.  Winter rains. 

I’m going to be deer hunting. I have some anchors out in the future for  kedging - bow hunting, grouse hunting, a wedding and a winter Harrison Hot Springs spa. In the meantime I’ll work and pay rent and mortgage and hold off on a sex change another week.  This weekend I was considering a folding electric bicycle.  What to do till the Messiah comes?

Thank you Jesus!