No tormented mind today

Today my mind is not tormented. My heart is not twisted. The betrayals and lies and abuse of psychopaths and sociopaths does not haunt me. I am free for days now of the past demons. I’ve learned to push them out. I squeeze fear and resentment from my mind like shit straining at the toilet of my conscience.  Then it lifts. Like old friends these voices of despair and disillusionment leave me. Lonely. I kind of miss the fear and rage. I kind of miss the need to prove I’m not that which you treated me like.  Your disdain and contempt no longer define me.  I have fought the wars. I’ve done the good fight. I’ve paid my dues and others too. I’ve cleaned up my mess and theirs.  Now I’m kind of lost.  I can’t rub wounds like genie kettles. I can’t make wishes on the past.  New adventures beckon.  I am called but only faintly.  The shadow of death is there as well. I’m surprised at the comfort I find in just getting through a day of work and then the weekend.  I long to lie in a lawn chair in the sun. I don’t need to write the great Canadian novel. I’m happy to drink coffee and not know what tomorrow will bring.

Today I’m thankful God eventually got me up. I hit the snooze button several times . A slow start. Madigan repeatedly pounced on my face and I fought him off to return to my dreams where I was hunting on a bicycle in the mountains. Getting a head of myself.  This time of year, August and Sept, so beautiful with the crisp air and gentle breezes and the foliage so colourful.  I long to be on the water. I dream of sailing. I am preparing to see my yacht. Considering trading for a smaller one I could solo sail.  

I waffle about a sex change. The adventure of being a transexual is the alternative to sailing the Atlantic. I’m more afraid of the sea than the surgeon.  I have been enjoying leisure so long.  I don’t push myself as I once did, My back hurts from morning to dusk, certain movements verboten.  Yet if I take an anti inflammatory I’m fine.  My stomach isn’t rebelling. I speak of this nonsense but it makes it difficult for me to consider pulling down sails in a blow or taking in lines on a close haul.  I like my camper. I’m looking at another electric bicycle, this one smaller and folding and easy to store. The last was lovely but huge.  I do enjoy the Vespa but when I rode my Harley I was cock of the walk, manly and that brought on fear because the authorities are humiliating men in gangs of beta boys. I’d rather be a sissy than stand again at the Alamo.  There is no love for old men. The old are punished for a good life and the looters are celebrated.  

There I go into self pity and despair.

I thank you Lord for the sun and warmth this morning. I thank you Lord for the amusement I get watching Madigan explore, his nose sniffing everything as he looks about on trails hearing things before I do.  I like the technology. I like keyboards and showers. I’m blessed with so much comfort. I’m reading funny books and watched a funny movie.  I’m thankful for wide screens and computers.

My mind is wolly today.  Two cups of expresso and I’m still a little sluggish.  It was wonderful to walk the trail and watch the river.  These are the good days.  I have had so many good days. I’ve known such wonderful blessings. The lord has been so good but my ‘search engine’ defaults to negative, a broken google, that extracts the hurts and wrongs of the past. Those men who back the lying psychopathic women who hurt so many people and suckered these ugly old looser Beurocratic men with the tease and they served them in their war on good and truth to maintain their addiction to drugs.  It is the past. It intrudes on my day. I don’t want to be a man and do good anymore where the government rewards the lying skanks and punishes men who do good.  I don’t want to retire in a world where their are such evil bureaucrats waiting to attack men just doing their jobs, just getting by.  Evil kafkaesque count of Monte Christo Nuremberg politically abusing smegma. I’m supposed to forgive them and let them go. Leave them to the retribution of their evil deeds and let God do what he will.

Yet I suck on that bitter tit and play the scenes of crucifixion over and over again. Where is the risen Christ? Where is hallelujah,  Thank you Jesus. Thank you lord.  Praise and thanksgiving.  I love life and it is so good today with the past yesterday.  Today is okay. Today is a blank slate to paint a celebration of today and tomorrow.  

Bow hunting is the next event. Then wedding, Then winter retreat.  Maybe Mexico or Aberdeen in the new year.  There are possibilities. With the world in crisis it’s impossible to predict next year. I can pray. I can pray for peace. Peace and peace of mind.

Thank you Jesus.