Thank you all who have wished me happy birthday. It’s raining heavy. Gilbert woke me early wanting to pee. He just had his birthday too. We walked in the woods after that. My back hurt. It was wet. I liked the smell of the fresh wet morning forest air. I liked that the snow was gone. It was warm enough but wet. Gilbert peed on every single branch, every single branch.
He’s napping now. He came in and ate dry food. Lots of happy dog chomping noises. I had to throw the ball a bit. Odd that tennis players play with these yellow dog balls. I’ve meditated and prayed. But God did not levitate me. No shining light appeared. No bearded guy walked into my head in white robes. The Rapture didnt take me. 't just got a little quieter. I prayed.
I don’t exercise enough or pray enough or walk the dog enough. It’s a good start to a new year. I’m about to have my second coffee. I had a nap till a friend woke me. They were flying back from Toronto. Waiting in the airport, thought of me. How kind.
I don’t feel like doing much. Other years on birthdays I’ve driven to Seattle, taken a weekend at the Harrison Hot springs, gone up to Whistler, but despite taking a day off, all I’ve done this weekend is minor errands. I’ve bought myself a new watch and gone to church. I’ve hung out with Gilbert.
We’re living in a dog house. It’s been a month since my friend, (I simply can't call her a cleaning lady since she's smarter, wiser, more accomplished than me, but comes over and cleans up my place because I remind her of her brother and she's doing a lot of jobs so she doesn't have to get back into the 9-5 institutions), came by to tidy and clean.
For a week or two after that it’s a human dwelling then Gilbert ascends and I devolve. There’s even socks on the kitchen floor, dirty dishes in the sink. Some male slobs live here. No bad smells or mould or slime but there’s a general messiness. My place looks like an adolescent’s bed room especially the floor.
I would not invite someone over. The empty Ray and Gerry ice cream carton the dog has beside his bed probably should go in the garbage soon. I’ve been good at taking that out daily, since the dumpster is next to where I park my car.
There are books everywhere. The Post American World by Fareed Zakaria is almost finished. Shackled Continent by Robert Guest is down on the floor. Coffee with Isaac Newton has a book mark in it. I've not started Dudley Popes Galleon. St Petersberg Eyewitness Travel - I've read the history and browsed all the tourist sites. Dr. Phillip Ney's essay Why Kingsdom Rise, Why Kingdoms Fall: History Makes Sense of All. They're all on the shelf behind the couch in easy reach. I sometimes lie here reading them or read bits between commercials. If I don't read between the commercials I get up and go to the fridge. There should be a class action suit against commercials by the obese of America.
The Canadian Book of Common Prayer, I read the morning prayer yesterday, remembered when I read it religiously, had been a while, comforting and uplifting., Eyewitness Travels Russia, I've read the history and sights, Russian for dummies. I'm not making much headway with that. Different alphabets get me. Like the Hebrew I studied last year. (Why can't everyone just use the alphabet we have, 10 thousand years ago, really, the ancients were so arbitrary and contrary, we really need to get a time machine to get their languages in line with my limitations.) Falling Upwards by Richard Rohr - it hasn't been opened but I read his contemplations daily on the internet.
For Sinners Only, The Book of the Oxford Groups, A.J, Russel, I got a chapter into that and distracted, must get back to it. Really good history of the early 12 step origins. I've got more books in the bed. I've been reading Nigel Tranters Scottish Grey series a page or two at a time before I fall asleep.
I've got a couple of dvds lying near me on this table. I notice that I watched Nebraska last night and will probably get to Adventurer tonight. I've had the Pussycat Dolls work out series on the table for a couple of weeks and it's still in the cellophane. How about that. I thought scantily dressed young women would trick me into working out in front of the tv but so far I'm too sophisticated for that.
I also have a Tai Chi dvd which I thought I'd use to remind me of the patterns I once knew so well, but that's not out of the cellophane either. The couch and refrigerator have been well used in contrast. There's three channel changers on the table, one for cable, one for the VHS and one for netflix. I have a little amp beside me the couch and had the guitar going again.
It's all a mess. Every surface is covered. Lots of external hard drives around this macbook air. Tetrabeyondgigs and megabytes proportion little packages and I remember when an external hard drive was the size of the computer and carried very little memory.
I’m always reading several books at a time and I've got some science texts and novels on the go on the Kindle. There’s never enough space. I need a clutter blackhole from the future which would suck everything up into a tiny space and hold it between uses, then spew it out in tact when I needed it.
I have had this sense of limitation these last few years. I feel like for the first time I see the horizon of heaven or hell. I believe it's heaven but then I know bad guys think they're going to hell and that's okay with them. They wouldn't want to go to heaven. I want to go to Mark Twain or CS Lewis's idea of heaven. I have been journeying this way all my life but now I see the future like a mountain on a vast plain. There’s a destination called death out there and I’m considering it more. Things like bucket lists mean something to me.
I’m more intolerant of the stupid and pompous and smug which is my latest excuse for lack of patience. That said I’m rarely as rude as I was when I was younger and I was passionate about time. Now I feel this too shall pass. Ironically I bought a new watch for my birthday present to myself.
Relationships have become so much more important for me. I was so alone for a while and now I’ve opened up to really enjoying those around me and their individual lives. I”m more content and less driven.
Thoughts of revenge pass through my mind since I have nothing to lose like never before. Yet I don’t care to waste the time on such silliness. I value my time differently.
The past seems sometimes like yesterday and sometimes like another life away. The journey is good though. All of it. Mostly I’ve gained some compassion for myself and others who rule. No one is safe from death.
Old age is up there somewhere and I’m considering it differently too. Bithdays are times for reflection as much as celebration. I celebrate this life. I’m thankful for spirituality. I’m thankful for learning. I’m thankful for all the love.
Thank you.
PS: I’ve concluded TESTOSTERONE is Scalping Me though. .
I just swam 20 lengths in the pool. Crawl and backstroke are much more aggressive than breast stroke. Loved the jacuzzi. The jacuzzi is my friend.
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