You awoke

You awoke today

God loves you

Go lightly on yourself

It’s been a tough week.  Tired.  So much business and bustle.  Pressure. Stress.  Fatigue. Now it’s the weekend coming. Days more and a holiday break.  A change,  

You have washed and shaved, relieved yourself, been a friend to the body transport. You’ve fed yourself porridge and made coffee. You’ve walked the dog. A half hour around the park. You’ve taken deep breaths and meditated.  You’ve perused facebook, reviewed the mail.  

Now it’s time for a little work. It’s a light day.  Soon you’ll be off the clock

Return the tires and bike to the storage locker or put the tires under the garage.  Chiropracter tomorrow so get the lifting done today.  There’s Karaoke tonight and a dance tomorrow night. You could get out. You could participate,  You could escape from the couch and tv ,  It’s supporing your friend who organizes these events.  It’s good.  

I carry on,

I talk with God.

I do my work. 

Madigan keeps me moving.  

I’ve been in stasis some time. The lockdowns and Covid.  I’m moving along.  Coasting.  Recovering.  I’m fragile.  I feel stationary. There’s a push coming,  There’s going to be more movement and I ‘ll have to face the pain.  Pain has turned me inward.

I don’t like when I rant.

I don’t like when I am negative.  I want to be joyous and free, 

I’m a blessed and grateful for so much.  Thank you God for this day.  ODAAT

Dialogue

I wanted to meet him but what if he rejected me. What if she thought I was unnatractive. What if my confidence wavered and he saw me as a loser. What if she had better options, mor attentive lovers. I could wait for Godoy indefinitely too wondering if they’d been watching me and were hiding hoping I would go away. There were so many possibilities now that the war was over. I had thought to use the radio even but even though the outside was inviting were they just wanting to cannibalize me. parasites and food. Soul suckers. I feared being taken. But this might be God and St. Peter did promise. The devil was there to hear the conversation. Sysyphus was always listening and Prometheus had a stake in it too. She said she wanted to meet. The past was a mask and we’d be reborn but betrayal always was a possibility. It was 1984. Kafka was in the castle. Camus was in the trial. Sommerset Maughams characters were talking empire on the deck of a tramp steamer. One of the sailors had known Byron. It was all years ago. Before now. I really didn’t know and was afraid. I am always afraid and put on a good show. There were so many bullies. Not surprising I thought of ending it. I proved repeatedly that I wasn’t suicidal. All those poisons I collected. All the medications. It was never serious. I was sad but not in despair. I was depressed but not melancholic. I’ve always been burdened. He did say he wanted to meet me. She wanted to be my friend. I wanted to walk home carrying my books alone. There is always fear. It’s just a matter of facing it. Heaven isn’t going anywhere soon.

Despair and the Complaints Department of Life

Some moments I feel the loss within, an emptiness, a sudden sense of aloneness and alienation.  I forget that you are there.  I cry. I fill with self pity and narcissism. I am a child of God. I know this. Yet the struggle, to get up, get dressed, move forward, start another day, go to work,  meet stranger, hear the pain and horror of their day and life, to suffer with them, and hope to offer relief. The despair is knowing their government, this kleptocracy is stealing their future and lives. I’m shocked by the poverty encroaching on people, the poverty not of starvation, but that poverty of ideas and third world mentality.  

I get distracted by the pictures of government elites partying endlessly while in the streets my patients are disheartened and suicidal.  I have fleeting thoughts of suicidal and try to bolster myself up to face another day of negativity. It was easier when I believed the PM and government were sane. Now I don’t know.  The policy of covid and lockdowns and the behavior of the PM has destroyed any faith I might have in those around him. He’s appalling, such an ignorant little arrogant hypocritical evil.  I must find it in me to accept him.

I’m also aging and feeling the end of life over the horizon. I never know if it’s time to retire and if it is then the plans requiring money need to be changed as so much cost is involved in ‘working life’.  Without work I can live cheaply. I have in expeditions and adventures. But now I work to resist retirement. I feel it’s giving up but I’m finding myself fragile The constant pain wears on me.  The recurring stupidity of government. The increasing burden of tax and waste.  It’s all demoralizing.  

My depression is lifted not working. I just don’t have that joy I had that lifted me up when I faced day and day out peoples whose beings grated like nails on a chalk board. I don’t wish to ‘argue’ with the suicidal and addicted. The government is killing wantonly and the doctors doing euthanasia are fat cat rich just lie the abortionsist and now the drug pushers. I weary of the administrative doctors standing as far away from patient as they can with lasers and snipers to shoot the front line workers in the back scapegoainting us for the destruction of the health care system.  Shortages everywhere and I don’t have time. I’m harried from morning to night and worry alway I’m missing something.

Then I sit alone and cry.  

Meanwhile I still compare and that’s the problem. I know the problems are mine. I have the problems with communication . I don’t live and let live. I rescue and people please and don’t love myself.  I don’t take the advise I give each day. I’m a child of God. I have Jesus as my friend but I fear the government these people who have never read Arendt or 1984.  They are among us.  Tinder has shown us who near us is doing what extraordinary sexual practice but where’s the political app to show me how many of my neighbors are Vichy Canadians. If I lived among those who voted for Trudeau I could move and be away from such perfidity.  

See how my mind goes back to that dirty filth. Intrusssive thoughts and obsession.

Here it’s a beautiful day. Sunshine and warmth. I’m due for a mini holiday 6 days off over the long weekend. I’m looking forward to driving in the ccountry .  Time with Laura and Madigan.  I’m missing my camper an we’ll stay in the lodge but I love the restaurant there and the days will be filled with exercise.  Stalking mostly.  Teaching Madigan the ways of the woods and wild. I’m not taking the quad just the truck and comfort.

I’ll make it. I’m winding down for a break.  

There’s a meeting tonight.  I’ll be reassured among friends. I don’t know where the time goes. I used to take courses at night and attend church more but now I’m just reading an watching some tv and sometimes just napping. I am glad for Madigan because I walk him frequently.  

Life is good but I don’t appreciate it enough.  I live in uncertainty. I must focus on patients and watching how I am infected by their despair. I must not let my own misgivings bring them down. I must be uplifting and caring.  I assure them they are not alone. But in withdrawal they want a ‘new’ drug, the Huey Lewis song. After decades of isolation and drinking they want a life. I can’t give them what a job gives. I can’t tell them they chose ‘disability’ and safety and now are being beat up by the very people who threw them the lifeline. The inflation of this government and the decisions of the leaders in their ‘one trick pony’ virtue signalling ‘ Covid wealth promotion schemes”. Like war is ‘ammunition and guns sales promotions’.  I am cynical.

God is good all of the time.  I believe in live and let live but this government is a tyranny and wants me to pay for their drama queen gabfest events.

And see there I go focusing on the negative.  So many patients so disappointed.  I will prescribe more antidepressants to help them through this. It’s like prescribing aspirin for a fever caused by the government torturers burning the souls of the tax payers feet.  The old are so collectively poor.  They are sad. I’m finding it hard to get moving and take my seat and serve as the complaints department for life.

Time to move. All shall be well. All shall be well. This too will pass.  God is good.  Life is good. 

Acceptance

He said to me, “acceptance’,  I was complaining about back pain and aging. An X-ray showed a fractured spine from a distant plane crash.  Now I’ve pain as a reminder.  My doctor says I need to exercise, stretch and lose weight. 

Acceptance.

I am aging.  Yet this body is not me alone .  I’m 70 going on 17. I’m immortal in my mind. The whole talk of acceptance goes to the core of free will and determinism.  It underlies works and faith and mind and matter.  I have dedicated my life to change.  I have day in day out confronted denial of death and challenged the suicidal to live.  I am the salesman for life outside the halls of MAiD and Abortion clinics and Roe vs Wade.

I’m at the centre of the centre of the centre.

I have over and over again channeled God ,the healer to the resurrection of Lazarus. You win some you lose some. You get better with discipline and time. There is an art and a science. I am a child of God and as I believe I have been humbly at the centre of miracles.  I have known this sacred life as energy and live each day in wonder.  I am today, just for today, celebrating carpe dei, living as a voice over to a comic strip. I play my penny whistle and kettle drum.

The nature of time and motion are in flux as God. I discuss thy will or my will be done.  I am Zen. I am change and intransigence.  I am intention and outcome analysis.  I am the sinner and the arrow that hits the target. I’m forever asking that my will be thy will and thy will be mine that I would be one. 

And I saw ‘father why hast thou forsaken me’, this kazoo in the symphony of life.  My position is over run and I accept that I am afraid and overwhelmed alienated and demoralized. I struggle to buck up to go on. I’m here. I’ve remained feeling ever that I don’t belong.  

I live and die alone.  Ashes to ashes.  I don’t know whence I came though believe a creator and a mystery.  I accept the mystery and keen in the wee hours the loss of mother and love. I weary of the Promethean journey in the existential deserts of my soul.  All is vanity.  

Acceptance.

Pain is a dialogue.  Pain is anger turned inward.  Pain is immunology.  Pain is limitation.  Pain is.  I am tears splashing on a skiddle.

Do not go gentle into that still night, the alcoholic told his dying father, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Two frogs drowning in a jar of milk. I will churn my way to butter to climb out.  

Acceptance.  Yes, I accept Jesus Christ as my master and the divine as my nature and miracles and blessings. I am ever grateful even when I whine and stink and desperately try to avoid the hits in a fetal armadillo ball.

Bring it on. 

I surrender. I’m defeated. I accept.  Holy, holy, holy.  

Breathe.

The prison is of my own making. 

This too will pass.

All shall be well and all manner of things will be well.

Thank you God. 

We are Gods of God of God. Immortal. Transcendent. God of God.

Yes I was an egomaniac with an inferiority complex but you were a petty psychopath and called me manic when I called you liar but you were above this law of the land but not the Law. We fought and danced as Jacob. We laughed between time of dawn and dusk, sometimes day and sometimes night ,but never far from the knowing and unknowing.

As Leonard Cohen said, you were the sister of mercy and the KY jelly. I was Jesus Christ, my Lord.  I am he, blessed spirit I am he.  

The pain in my  back , this glad gethesame, is a pain in the ass and a pain in the head but mostly a pain in the heart.  I am so alone. I know I am not alone. But I feel alone. Alone, still knowing you are with me. Always. Your love, my love.

Good to be alive, Glad to have RV repairs done

I woke thankful to wake and be alive.  Good way to start the day. 

It’s Friday. TGIF. I had one disturbing angry drug addicted case and I blame myself. I walk into these traps with angry people looking for and excuse to explode. It’s a life long ballet dance on egg shells.  I’m always taken back to being a child and the big people and loud people. Now I’m the old man and the young people are startling in their intolerance and rage. It’s drugs.  

I walk the dog and there’s these dogs who wait on leash and lunge at the last minute. Poor little Madigan flew 10 feet in the air to escape. I used to be shocked by Moray Eels who would lunge out at me.  Now I have to think back with a struggle to remember all the colourful beautiful tropical fish. The eel comes to mind instantaneously.  Denizens of the deep.  Yet this week in work I was some 30 or more patients and all that sticks out in the angry young man. I should be focussed on the half dozen or more who thanked me for helping them stop drinking or lift their mood, get ahead in school, deal with another day. I wrote several letters on behalf of patients advocating for them. I prescribed dozens of medications that have helped them immensely. They tell me they thank me.  I solved a puzzle or two.  I carried on. Each day I faced the unknown and did another day of work.  

The sun and heat have been incredible.  My air conditioner in the living room can barely keep up.  The temp rose to 90 without it. I have a fan in the office. By the afternoon it’s muggy and hot.  Over the weekend last it was joyful to sun tan outside on the lawn chair.

My back pain has lessened and I have more mobility.  

I really do need to exercise more. The kids off school have filled the pool so I’ve not made the effort to swim. In the fall it will be possible to swim more. It’s stretching I need to do.  I’m on the waitlists for Taichi. 

I’m so pleased Kelvin of Travco has replaced my leaking hot water tank, fixed the shower leak, replaced the kitchen faucet and replaced the lock and installed the second battery . He’ll be by to finish the awning replacement and address the roof seals later.  I was concerned about the leak.  Water can cause so much damage.  It’s all good and I’ll have cleaning ladies back next week.  

My truck is booked for service this week.  Laura and I are in Clinton for a week beginning of September bow hunting season.  I’ll collect the gear from the storage locker this weekend to be prepared for our mini vacation.  I’ll enjoy the drive.  

I don’t feel as harried and depressed as I did. I feel blessed and grateful to be alive.  I love that I am speaking with God daily and by the hour and have faith and peace. Peace of mind is so much under rated. I have purpose and meaning.  I’ve direction and a goal. Maybe next year I’ll do more camping.  I think at times about Berlin, Vienna, Argentina and Thailand.  Travel possibilities.  Several jobs have been offered but right now I enjoy the people I’m working with and really care for my patients . 

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God for Madigan and British Columbia and Canada and North America and the world. Thank you for land and water and air. Thank you Lord for my life. Thank you for this day. 

Gratitude Thursday

Thank you Lord for this day. Thank you for the dreams of hunting. Thank you for Madigan. Thank you for the sunshine and warmth. Thank you for this Thank you for all of your blessings.  Thank you for the air. Thank you for my lungs and heart and skin. Thankyou for the hot water this morning and the new hotter tank. Thank you for Kelvin at Travco. Thank you for the refrigerator. Thank you for the coffee maker. Thank you for the computer. Thank you for the colous. Thank you for summer. Thank you for work. Thank you for helping me be of service to others. Thank you for insight. Thank you for ceativity. Thank you for taste. Thank you for VSO and Col. Hadfield. Thank you for outerspace. Thank you for the multiverse   Thank you for heaven. Thank you for rainbow bridge. Thank you for mirrors. Thank you for perfume and cologne. Thank you for painted nails and toes. Thank you for sex and enjoyment. Thank you for Laura. Thank you for friends on face book. Thank you for ex wives. thank you for sponsors and mentors and spiritual advisors. Thank you for wealth and freedom. Thank you for strength and enduranve. Than you for shampool Thank you for dish detergent and my laundry machine and fabric softener. Thank you for lips. Thank you for eyes. Thank you for friends in person. Thank you for my day, Thank you for teaching me to witch my mind and change my mind and bewared of the ancient brain and to identify fear and and anger. Thank you for love.

Hump day, Summer

I dreamed of the ravine and hunting moose and my truck.  I was with some other guys.  It was a good dream and I struggled to get up hitting the snooze bar once.

This morning I walked but forgot to meditate.  Went straight for the coffee.  Then shared my Cliff protein bar with Madigan. He’s melllowed.  Good friend and room mate, My physiotherapist who gets me walking all day.

Repairs going with camper and home. 

I’ve been thinking and reading and writing about St. John.  I have the catholic study guide. I ordered the Catholic Bible from Ignatieff house. I”ve begun reading a new novel about Penang.  I’m reminded of books I read of British sea cruises that took months.

I ordered tickets to VSO with Colonel Hadfield, Canada’s foremost astronaut, playing guitar.  I copied Laura today.  September bow hunting and VSO.  I’m booked in Yuma for a workcation all November.

I missed the hot water this morning. The hot water tank was leaking.  Kelvin of Travco came yesterday and removed it He took the torn awning too.  Dave was here and helped.  

My back is better thanks to Dr. Ready.  I’ve another apt this weekend.  It’s still sore but I’m not afflicted with the sharp pains. I feel somewhat fragile still. I have to do more exercise. I’ve begun to do my Tai Chi again. I’m on their list for the next classes.  

God is good all of the time. Thank you for the air. Thank you for Madigan. Thank you for family and friends. Watch over them and keep them well. Help my patients .  Thank you for Laura. Thank you for Emily and George and Dean and Marty and Hugh and Dave and Tommy and Nathan and all these people who inspire me. Thank you for the sunshine. It’s going to be 40 today, Laura says.  I’ll be running the air conditioning and hope that it’s not too muggy in my office.  I am pleased that I still get up and go to work and follow the routine.  It’s a good life.  Long. I’m of service. I’m a human doer. I’m an action figure.  I am blessed. Thank you for the adventure of life.