Thanks for powerful friends

Over the years, throughout my career and life, I have been truly blessed to have powerful friends. When a bully or evil person has affronted me I have found myself protected and joined by ‘friends’ who have not forgotten me.  I have fought many righteous causes, not the least of them, my self.  Beside me or watching there have always been those who have acknowledged my presence. They have fought before me or alongside me and are glad for me in their ranks.  I may be forgotten as today so many old warriors I stood beside die from old age and the wounds of years of righteous service.  But they are there in my heart.  Multi millionaires, Nobel Prize Winners, Olympians, Chancellors, Professors, Celebrities, Bishops, CEO’s, Judges, Senators, Generals , Prime Ministers and Premiers, an amazing myriad of folk who stood with me on various fronts, manning posts, standing up to the constant attack of evil and chaos.  Mothers, fathers, children.  To have known all these personally, shook hands, hugged, been thanked and thank.  I am truly grateful for the company. I am so thankful to have shared a meal or had a coffee or a conversation with these elite of the elite. All the white hats that welcomed me and encouraged me and asked for my help and thanked me for being there. It’s a miracle and they are angels.  I wish that I focused more remembering them and thanking them than dwelling on the enemy.  God is good all of the time.  Thank you Jesus for the ‘footprints in the sand’.  Thank you for the ‘Hound of Heaven”.  Thank you for Heaven and Joy and Love.

Anti authority

I am concerned with my mind. It’s always coming in with anti authority fears.  My partient was telling me she was paranoid. I remember when Freud was rescued from the Nazi’s he said ,’maybe the paranoids are right’.

Right now other than the sick and pathetic downright evil performance by Trudeau I have nothing really be anxious about.

Without something now to be anti authority about I find my mind replaying threats by the College, the Doctor Police, fears of loss of license because of false allegations proved false but the process was highly disturbing.

The College Doctor Police might well have been just trying to find out what was true and being neutral till it was proven that the psychopath was lying. Yet this weekend I’m vaguely out of sorts and my mind latches on to that.

It’s as bad as when my mind would replay the ex mother in law insaniety, the craziest lady, much loved by her family but pompous, arrogant, and frankly bizarre. Yet here she’s dead and my mind was replaying the poor me secenario,

I can’t trust my mind when it’s in the anti authority more. God is good all of the time.  I have had wonderful experiences with the police and with the Doctor police and with all manner of authorities. I believe the Comrade Leader Trudeau is a traitor and UN Canadian but that ‘fear’ permeates my view of authority. I think that his betrayal is personal. I’m also asking God what gives. Why is my mind playing these paranoia scenarios or replaying old ones.

Is this growing old. Where the old soldier replays old wars and old campaigns.  Am I projecting the past to the pre3sent and have this vague uneasiness this anxiety or is it reaction formation that I loathes the fool Trudeau and transfers that fear of his imbecility.  Onto all authority.  

I’m okay. God is Good.  All shall be well.

Sunday, Summer,

I’ve had a great sleep waking refreshed. I was again in my dream world of old friends who have passed and present ones in the Mediterranean mixed Canadian wilderness setting.  I’ve a sailboat and truck and hunting gear with a Ravine where I see game but don’t actually shoot anything. I’ve also a lovely white washed deck and almost conference like housing out of the mountain.  That reminds me of Athens.  Everyone is friendly like at a campground and non judgemental. I feel welcomed. It’s an image of heaven and I’m kind of childlike, a teenager of sorts.  I am part of groups but generally it’s a lot friends and family and loving people. I feel it’s a kind of heaven.  Then I wake up here.

I saw the chiropracter yesterday again.  My back pain is reducing weekly.  I still feel fragile.  I have relief though.  I’m even able to do stretches before getting out of bed so that I’m not put to my knees with pain trying to get to the washroom. It’s been years of chronic pain and months of this latest round. I’m so thankful to Dr. Ready for giving me hope. I was catastrophising. I asked Dr. Mina Antonnious to do an xray so I could feel safe going to the chiropractor.  The old fracture was there and the aging and arthritis.  Dr. Lydia Waterson was sweet saying it was a really young looking spine.  Given where it’s been and the number of accidents I am thankful.

This week in my doctors recovery meeting we discussed health issues and recovery.  I was surprised that some of the folk I thought were as old as me were younger. All had physical injuries or illness.  Several had had heart or back surgeries.  Terry talked about being unable to walk down to his basement and having back surgery for a ruptured disk.

I explained that I was a psychiatrist so all that I had was ‘in my head’.  I had recently had this back pain and seen the doctors and had an xray which showed arthritis and an old spinal fracture.  I said the doctor said I was ‘fat’ and that I needed to exercise.  I was seeing the chiropracter and taking ibuprofen but I wanted to share I was in the ‘action’ phase of motivation as I had bought a book. I showed it to them, ‘Exercises for the Lower back ».  I said that being a psychiatrist I hadn’t actually opened it but I was keeping it near and if things didn’t continue to improve with whining and denial I might put it under pillow.  They all laughed.

I worry I offend folk all the time. Tommy is a transexual psychiatrist who has a motor home and a harley and is to my shock 80 yo. I believe she said that because frankly I thought she was my age.  The other fellows I thought my age , one turned out to be in his 50’s.  I really have difficulties with this. Turning 70 unleashed a whole lot of theoretical and intellectual confusion.

I’m always talking about having breast implants and a face lift. I think of an identity change.  I find I’m weary of this perfectly good life and identity.  Being a psychiatrist I have daily contact with people who are most disturbed. Having begun wanting to be a healer with words and relationship and address the underlying anger, fear and despair I’m now mostly just prescribing medication. Drugs pusher for the multi nationals.  The Lordco guy offering pills and choice.  Given the rise of counsellors and psychologists and the emphasis on the material I’m actually happy to be more the gp psychiatrist than the real thing. Certainly there’s a heavy emphasis in this gp province with the gp college police doctors and the arrogance of the gp group collectively politically .  I was a gp and kind of miss it but feel utterly unappreciated as a psychiatrist .  The magic and the mystery and the spirituality of the woohoo ‘mind over matter’ that moved me to psyvhiatry and has attracted  me.  I’ve seen miracles throughout my career.  It’s so different from my experience as a family physician. I talk of the ‘arroganee’ the gp because they created a ‘speciality’ and paid themselves more as a big group without doing the 4 years royal college training I did. Indeed I received my certificate of family practice as a country gp and it’s like the nurses now who are insisting they’re ‘superior’ because of the ‘nature’ of their training. I’ve done both and ‘psychiatry ‘ and ‘community medivione’ and ‘addiction medicine’ have all been belittled.  Yet the processes of learning and perceiving and relating in that different way which paradoxically results in outcomes is not understood except by the psychological psychiatrists.  I have a female psychiatrist who aligned with the psychologists because they understood the ‘mind over matter’ message.  Meanwhile the pharmaceutifcal industry arrogantly wants to take credit for the responses to ignore the 30% placcbo response across the board and the research on the importance of the ‘bedside’ doctor.  

Oh well, I’m at the end of my career and it’s been a struggle. The police doctors have been the worst with such limited mental process and the affliction to the authoritarianism and their fear.  Appeal to authority.  We see it every day now. The propaganda. The WHO ‘administrator’ overriding all the specialists. Here the ‘cconsulting boards’ are hand picked and not acknowledge by their peers. It’s all hoooohaw.

I’m here outside on this wonderful day in a lovely light leopard skin patterned sun dress with yellow painted nails and toes wondering whether I’m straight or gay.  I ve loved women all my life and wanted family but now at the end of that adventure I don’t ‘objectify’ women to quote their spokespeople but rather enjoy them most. But its been a life time of Marxist attack on the male.  

Laura is the most feminine of girls, as heterosexually inclined as my friend Willie is as a male. They’re both grandparents.

I have a dog. I’ve a practice of the full cross section of society.  I most love and enjoy the long term married parents like my own.  I have friends and patients who have raised family and been the backbone of the society. I most enjoy John these days He epitomizes the masculine, like my dad and my brother but the female representation and the present government and laws denounce these ‘men’.

It’s a GYNOCENTRIC society Canada.   Nothing speaks more to this attack than the very term ‘TOXIC MASCULINITY’.  

When the women tell me what they want in a partner they are essentially saying that they want a woman in a male body, a kind of ken doll who ill aggress with them.  

I’ve been persecuted by police doctor women repeatedly for being a man.  

I married three women and I was blamed for the divorce in all cases. The man always is.  The courts give the children to the woman.  

I work with soldiers and they’re collectively condemned.  The society epitomized it’s gynocentrism by electing the two pussies Trudeau and Singh.  Women seem to be collectively incapable of admitting fault to men and apologizing. It’s all the Frankfurt school and Marxist communism.

So I don’t know,

I’ m wearing a dress. The attraction to the feminine was the weariness of watching the passive aggressive and covert aggressive men and women succeed.  If you can’t beat them and their lies are loved then join them. 

I sometimes feel I’m hiding in women’s clothing. A camouflage.  I sometimes feel I ‘ll cut my own balls off just leave me alone.  Women have invaded and pissed on every men’s club. My ex wife used to barge in and join male doctors talking together. She had no boundaries straight and like so many women believe that ‘gender’ is a ‘station of status’.  

Every year women insist that they should celebrate ‘father’s day’ because the courts have given them the children.

Yet decades back I found the ‘dead beat dad’s collectively’ would aggress to giving money to their children but collectively objected to their money going to coke and parties and other men.

All these injustices have been ignored by the Gynocentriv media and now I’m old and white and male and I’m supposed to fall on my sword. All around I see the evidence of the hard work of men with their deaths and diseases. Meanwhile when women do the same jobs they die young too.  Women have long painted nails and are too lazy to even get ‘on top’ in sex.  I laughed so hard when a female comedian joked about the ‘work’ of sex and how women shouln’t be so lazy.  

Now the elite have won. By dividing and conquering the family turning the weak women against the beleaguered men they were able to take more and more. 

Women divided into two groups, girls and women. The women had children and I admired their work and knew they act of having children and raising children was sacrosanct but increasingly women were not having children yet demanding all the rights and privileges that women with children had. 

I watched the gay community and even the transexuals take advantage of a society based on family and care for the young being dismantled by narcissism.

It’s all there.

It doesn’t help me that I love Laura. I’ve loved my wife’s but at some point in the past the cost got too high and I feared for my life, My ex wife in the end on cocaine and trying to kill me was given a pass and I was ‘blamed’ for her lifelong insaniety. Her uncle , the minister of health, and a psychiatrist had called her mother certifiable and she’d literally killed her husband directly or indirectly persecuting him in his old age, an academic given a boxer thug as a room mate in the asylum at the mother’s request and I had to intervene to her wrath. I had three mother in laws. The first told me for my sake to not marry her daughter who she said was marrying me to escape from her mother. The second was a sovio[path and hysterics, the husband a raging alcoholic , like a Bill Wilson family without the ‘recovery’ the daughter, adult children of alcoholics untreated.  I used to call her the mother in law from hell.  That wife was she ‘princess’.  The classic case of a good doctor and ‘FINE ». ‘Fucked inside nice exterior’.  I was the ‘wife’ and the husband working two jobs and doing two residencies and she was constantly dissatisfied and competing with her sisters and girlfriends . I was dying.  I gave up surgery and being a country gp to live in the city and became a psychiatrist and she loathed psychiatry and psychiatrists.  I performed years of cunnilingus only to be told ‘women don’t like that’.  She was a prude and arrogant and judgemental demeaning bitch in the home. Her mother was the same insisting men should be thankful to talk to her as she was a ‘beautiful women’ . They were that on the outside but at home I was drinking and on holidays smoking dope with the ‘princess’ who blamed everything on me. She was an outspoken feminist and hated that I liked to camp and hunt and was only happy in a fine restaurant being served or in the most expensive hotel.  She was my brush with the Kardasian in the home. She had begun being a girl who was so much fun and we had such a great time in medical school but when she graduated and we went on. That’s when it changed. I was a year ahead and helped her all along with her studies . I was the orgre who insisted we go to the library. Her sister in medicine has a friend who was the study hard sort too. My wife as complaining and blaming me for being like my friend Glenn who had his nose to stone. Their medical school class was known as the party sort while mine was the top for study and academia.  I had no thought that we wouldn’t live forever together but when we had the house and the careers and the specialties and there was no children and I was told that the house we had wasn’t good enough because her sister and friend had bought bigger houses and I was told women ‘don’t like fellatio’ collectively and grew weary of ‘the royal we’ when I was working with all sorts of women ‘those women in psychiatrist aren’t the right class of wojen’.  Meanwhile her family was as crazy as anyone l

Of course my female psychiatrist colleague married to a drug dealer came into our world at my invitation.  Her sister married a Christian and had a support system. I meanwhile had the range of intellectuals and artists and editors and loved my old theatre crowd .

I was raped then.  I was sexually abused drunk and stoned by my professor. I had committed and lost so much leaving community medicine and going into psychiatry and now I was again being fucked. I’d been raped on drugs and alcohol when I was with the band.

A man without a woman is no man, I went without sex in relationships as much if not more in marriage.  I married these women who would act like it was good to have a boyfriend or husband but ‘sex’ wasn’t ‘necessary’.  Meanwhile I knew all these women having sex daily and weekly and I’d be masturbating in marriage. I’d be masturbating in relationships because it was ‘clear by their actions’ they’d rather be taking shopping that to fuck.  

Then I said one day that maybe I’m bisexual.  I ‘d had so many girlfriends and done two 10 year stretches of marriage and literally put up with so much shit.

Men are not allowed to complain about women,  That’s called misogynist. I find all the men who have had sisters know.  I’ve never had a sister . I put women on pedestals.  

Now psychologically I can see that I’m writing from a negative place and self pity.  I see the past according to CBT as a product of my thoughts and mood. My mind is a defence lawyer ‘making a case’.

I can make an ‘equal’ case for my ex wives being saints and genius. It’s called ‘psychological mindedness’.  I can see my own behaviour equally negatively. I can make a case for men and against men.

‘

I’m transgender today. I know that the ‘drag queen’ ‘mocks’ women.  There’s a lot of ‘anger’ in the drag queen and the ‘bearded ladies’.  By contrast ‘imitation is the sincerest form of flattery’.  I’ve certainly admired and loved women

But there is an element of ‘if you can’t beat them join them’ in my world. I’ve found too that the whole LGBT world is ‘misfits’. . They are the rejected often.

I’m just not an ‘insider’.  I’ve a particular skill and capacity as a healer. I’m the classic wounded saint. I’m the Shaman. I’m now just reducing myself to using a bit of my self to be paid because when I gave my whole to healing and had the greatest results I was told by the Police Doctors that we couldn’t have any ‘complaints’.  This new idea of the beaurocrat as god and everyone must act like lawyer administrator - the new ‘God’ or else one is ‘unprofessional’ is frankly evil. ARENDT wrote about the BANALITY of that metaphor. Yet that’s the new standard.  My friend safely treats baldness.  He once was a great all round doctor and healer.  They are happy if I hand out pills.  I’m not supposed to help people self actualize, find meaning and purpose in their lives, question existence.  The metaphor that the POLICE Doctors use is that the world is Consumerism. And the status quo is correct.  Money is god, 

The key thing about being ‘female’ in the social context is the ‘receptivity’.  Active and passive.  It’s the deal with introverts and extroverts.  I have spent so much time alone . Covid was a lesson in that but before that I’d been a solo sailor. I hunted and fished alone.

I have all these skills and just generallly don’t want to face all the ‘politics ‘ and ‘resistances’ .  I did so much ‘organizing’ younger and volunteered so much. I’ve been doing so much organization in my work.  Running a half million dollar a year business and employing so many people younger I just remember the criticism of the capitalist.  

I’ve always worked the equivalent of 3 jobs until recently. I’ve been reading a lot of beach books, doing my nails, chatting. I used to think girls called this ‘work’.

I have a friend who has no idea about ‘billable’ hours.  

I had a lot of opportunity. I was offered millions of dollars a year jobs. I could focus on the legal work. I could run asylums. I could go in those directions but instead I focussed on the individual and treatment of the individual.  I’ve been part of a lose ‘team’.  Increasingly this is the government administration work by ‘committee’.  Committee medicine where the ‘administrator’ takes the glory.  

I’ve just seen myself as ‘a channel’. God is dead Neitze said and CS Lewis said we’d see the consequences for generations so we’re seeing that now.  It’s the who death ‘truth’ .

My wives lied incessantly.  Most women I’ve known are consummate liars. I just learned from a Marxist this is justified because they are ‘victin’.  So it’’s a war and the ‘victim’ doesn’t have to be truthful.  I remember her saying ‘ my truth’.  All the leftist political agenda the last few years has been so consistent with the communist godless position.  

I didn’t feel good just making money especially when abortions paid the most and was the easiest of work. I was touched by the Buddhist 8 fold path and the idea of ‘right livelihood’ .

As a Christian I felt I should follow Christ’s command. If i wrote an autobiography of my work as a doctor I’d call it ‘greatest need’.  I went to work where the ‘greatest need’ was and now know that the very ‘idea” of “need’ is suspect.  I definitely served the ‘marginal’ and the abused. I worked in the north where they vouldn’t get doctors to go and in all these other places where there was the greatest danger, poorest conditions and least paid. Becoming a psychiatrist was tied to that Christian principle.  I saw that the mentally ill and later the addicted were the least serviced. We all knew that the richest were the Cosmetic Surgeon and the doctors to the ‘worried well’ and the wealthiest.  You just needed to smooze, I certainly did that but ultimately was tagged with the line’ Dr hay doesn’t tolerate fools well unless they’re his patients’.  I knew the greatest leaders in the university like DR Naimark and Hildes and el Guebaly. . They were oriented to excellence and meritocracy. The latest government doctors like the administrator for the WHO are n’t oriented to the ‘best’ but rather want status and money.

I like writing gratitude lists because they give my head a shake.

I’ve got so much, I just talked to my lovely neighbour. There was I was in a dress and he was dressed as a man and his wife and he are friends.  They don’t care what Klinger type costume I appear in.  Even at the clinic the women ddon’t care.  

I have cross dressed on and off over the years.  My first major role in a play as lead was playing a Queen in an English Farce.  What a tale my life is.  Being a dancer was highly criticized.  I have longed for the ‘in’ crowd experience of being the football player with the vheerleader wife and the law degree and the love of money and status.  I tried that. I remember Kirk and I discussing being ‘in’ and going for it as a ‘game’. We succeeded but were bored and felt everyone was a afraid. Lives of quiet desperation. Fatuous.  

I like the people I know in AA.  They call it the last club on the block.  

I miss church today.  I have a lesbian priest who was a mother and admire her but miss the miss Peter Elliott and the chancellor of Regent. Dr. Houston. I loved Willie Gutowski and Phillip Ney.  They were Christians I could admire. Like my friends George and John who I miss dearly. I realized talking with Anna that they were all ‘parents’, like my brother.l

I’m not a father. I’m different.

The alcoholic mind is always searching for terminal uniqueness. 

I like the company of the ‘parents’,  I find the ‘individuals’ a thorny bunch. I see so many in work, personality disorders.  Ego and pride.  I was less impressed with the academics that once appealed to me like the intellectuals because they’d avoided the heavy lifting. I like AA because there are so many people who have been in the depth of the fight and come back.  I don’t trust the blamers and shamers and all the light lifters.

I’m old and fearful. Seeing the decline and destruction of the health care system ravaged by avarice and cronyism I’m fearful for the future.

I’ve no desire to be asexual. The option of the church is to become a celibate monk.  I still ‘sing the body electric’ and old don’t have to deal with all those female dominated laden issues of sexuality.  I read the ‘ethical slut’ and see that women view sex as linked ‘sex and money’, ‘sex and status’ , sex and love’.  I see the criminals in my prcvtice, psychopaths and pimps all served by sex.  The greatest sexual awards go to the psychopaths.  Meanwhile I have had a great run.  I’ve been blessed with love and sex and frankly have no right to complain. I’ve been blessed.

My wive’s were the most beautiful in the world. The reason I married each was because she was gorgeous, brilliant and sexy and funny and the best of all.  My problem is maintenance.  

Also my wives wanted to stay with their mother, in Shaughnassey , at home. Safe. Whatever. I wanted to explore and travel and learn and saw life as an adventure. I still do.

I liked black like me.

I find that dressed as a woman each exchange is ‘novel’.  I could go about as a clown and have the same experience. I am a successful man whose been good looking and dangerous with respect from other men and women not just by the status but by experience.  I’ve won so many battles.  I’ve faced so many bullies and survived,

But when I dress as a woman I’m an outcast, a leper, an ugly old girl. I get all the discrimination I used to give to the gay people. I’m the ‘sissy slut’, the ‘faggot’ and realize I used to discriminate this way. I am living my amends with my own discrimination against the ‘non family man’.  The non binary. I had all those.  

My girlfriends have maligned me as a ‘hunter’ and don’t like ‘wild game’. They prefer processed Macdonalds food .  I am constantly belittled in the city and miss the northern and country folk who like me loved food untouched by dirty hands. I loved eating dear I shot , butchered, and prepared.  It’s an ‘idea’.  It’s a ‘love’.  It’s a taste for ‘god’.  It’s godly as the fish my father , brother and I cooked on the beach by the lake, like the tuna Tom and I barbecued dancing at sea hundreds of miles offshore.  

The judgmental disdain is never noted by the ones with attitude.  I am hypersensitive. I am like “o” blood.  Even my ex wife noted that if someone ‘botherted’ me it was like that most would be too. I work and am with everyone in soccviety, all the fringe, rich and poor and people at their worst. I walk into their nightmare and join them and calm them. I’ve worked in jails and aslylums, with pedophiles and murderers.  

I’ve given up, I’ll eat Macdonalds burgers.  I’m a chef and grew my own vegetables and selected my own foods and raised my own vhickens and yet I once cut a turkey wrong despite having raised and butchered my own turkeys. I made wine and beer and was raised by a mother who raised her vegetable and dad who shot his meat and grandad who ranched his cattle.

My dog is picky. He rejects ‘treats’. .  Wants to share my steaks and barbecued chickens. I give up.   

I just threw money at women. They were always depressed and moody and I just find people so emotionally loud.  It’s all day working with people screaming running fingernails down the chalkboard. They are telling me always how nothing has worked , how bad life is, how my treatment hasn’t helped them, how no one has, how their doctors are no good.

I’m the very last doctor on the block. I’m the complaints department of the medical professional. I’m the wastebasket. And the POLICE DOCTOR in her and his arroganee and ignorance wouldn’t last a week or a year in the DTES alone. They wouldn’t survive on a wet reserve. They’re high rise office doctors protected from my patients who have pulled guns and held me hostage and lied and have murdered.

The COLLEGE of PHYSICIANS and SURGEONS of BC believes lying psychopath females over good men.  The long necked women and their boys are the criminal friends of the authorities who have a fringe following that they use as Marxists and Nazis did to destroy the traditional.  

At least Jordan Peterson has raised the issues that women in the workplace may be a failure.  The Johnny versus AMber court vase at least addressed the lying false allegations of the sexual industry .  The courts made a killing off the ‘you’re fucked over ‘ or ‘fucked’ or ‘not fucked’.  The Supreme Court and Trudeau senior said the State has no place in the bedroom of the populace so it stopped being an issue of parliament and democracy and common sense but instead became an issue of the corrupt courts,.  Children were bought and sold by the lawyers in the family courts. All manner of perversion happened in the Leonard cohen like song ‘there is a war’ and everyone denied it. But today men are afraid and should be.  

I don’t like being around children They’ve been used for decades against men by women and the courts. 

I’m afraid of women .  It cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars to fire a crack addicted ex prostitute and theif when she had targeted my practice and claimed I ‘sexually harassed her. “. I fired her for doing crack in the office. The College of Physivians and Surgeons attacked me on her behalf.  The woman at the college was a disgusting pervert flouncing about and coming on to me. 

It’s an old issue. Women ‘show’ and men’ talk’ .  So the whole industry of the sex in the courts was anti male.  All the research shows that it. Was a Marxist ‘Women against men’ attack .  One sided. All ‘he said’ ‘she said’ claims give the courts power and take power from the community.  

Now saying ‘some women lie and cheat’ gets me labeled ‘the enemy’.  It’s ‘either you’re all for them or against them’ polarity. It came out with the Roe Versus Wade judgement overtures recently.  All men are bad. All women are good,.  The courts and parliament aren’t about justice. They’re about money and protect Epstein.  

I’m loving Dylan’s song “ain’t going to work on Maggie’s farm no more’. 

Man is the nigger of the world.

Now of course I know that wome and men have it bad. I just think it’s equal and that I’ve always said Eva Braun was as bad as Hitler.  That’s where I differ.  I be3liee evil is in the family unit the married unit not the ‘one man’.  Hillary and Bill Cliniton were an evil and good unit.  Sophie and Justin and Maggie Trudeau are all the bad people.  Stalin’s wife killed herself.  The mothers of the greatest tyrants were psychopaths. Where’s the treatise on Hitler’s mother.  Where the satire.

Behind every good man was a good woman. Behind every bad man was a bad woman.

Now we have the Jew card, black card, the aboriginal card, the woman card, the gay card, the Moslen cards the abused card and everyone is unique and has a card for an abused card and yet we can’t generalize.  I’m an old man who wears a dress.  I want a card. I’ve been victimized and persecuted all my life.  I’m Klinger.  

See the self pity.  Poor me.  Obviously Trudeau and Bill Clinton and Adolf all like Harper and Trump and Einstein came home and complained that no open appreciated them.

Bill gates wife left him. Richest man in the west and he can’t keep his wife happy. Putin’s girlfriend is kept in the west because the east isn’t good or safe enough to for her.  Xi Jinping and Kim are homosexual lovers who prefer bestiality. It’s all above my pay grade.

Insane.  

My mind is a tv with a channel changer.  

I like to put it on the God Channel.  

It’s all nonsense and absurdity.  It’s vanity.  All this life is maya.  I an struggling spiritually to be in this day.  Being in the present,  Yesterday is a construct and gone. Tomorrow is yet to come. I’m a kazoo in the symphony of life, a voice over on the comic strip of my existence.  Free will and determinism are all part of the multiverse. I’m responsible and accountable.  

I m enjoying this day sitting out in my back yard with the dog and this ipad and picnic table

Babbling nonsense. Free associateing. Squeezing the pus out of my mind. Knowing that the negatives in life were the manure for the roses in life.  I’ve been blessed beyond my wildest dre3ams.  Life’s been so difficult I seriously considered suicide. I’ve escaped marriages to insane people who wouldn’t get help and wanted to kill us as their solution to a life of angst and anger.  

Now I talk to God because Buber was right . There’s only me and me and God.  The multifaceted reality is God. It’s Me and IT or Me and Thou.  I believe God is good all the time.  I believe God will care fore me. I believe in Jesus.  I know the Jewish and Muslim guys have problems wearing dresses but Jesus never spoke about sex and gender. As the great kahunna said ,”Jesus had nothing to say about women in business suits’.

Women have been wearing pants suits for decades and no one has spoken out about that in the church because women are dangerous. The church is dominated by angry women and mothers and grandmothers are the most passive aggressive. Women use men as a tool, their violence is proxy violence. The Jewish mother want the Roman emperor killed for hurting her children destroying her temple. The feuds are visceral and sexual.  Angelina Jolie played the best Augustine mother. Cleopatra was brilliant History is written to appease the female and blame the man.  Marxism.  

Marxism is also paranoid schizophrenia. 

I’m not a woman, I’m non binary , a trans woman some might say.  I like Laura the best but she’s not here.  I might well have identification with the aggressor because I’m told especially about the POLICE Doctors that “rape is inevitable….best to lie back anf enjoy it.’  I think that men go to prostitutes and escorts today for ‘blow job’s because they’re ‘easy’,  Sex is work.  Men hall have back pains , the metaphor of Atlas.  The here to for unknown degree of ED is finally shown by the massive profits in viagra.  

Like monkeys men and women are into anal sex while the story of the aboriginals mocking the modern doctor examining the pregnant woman saying ‘he doesn’t even know which hole’.  Wrong hole.  Wrong hole jokes from childhood come to mind.  Conventions and tradition. 

70 churches were burnt to the ground last year with nothing being done against the anti Christian movement celebrated by the government doing nothing. If one synagogue or mosque had been burnt to the ground the government would have called martial law like it did when middle classs working Canadians had a peaceful demonstrations.  Even my family don’t understand the tyranny and depth of evil of the PM, a man who should be in jail along with his family for the depth of greed , deceit and corruption and theft that he’s done this last decade.

Carpe diem . ODAT. Thanks for the adventure.

I like journaling.  In psychiatry we taught ‘free association’. . What one thinks is not what one wants or does. The idea that ‘still waters run deep’ is untrue. Equally ‘still waters run stagnant’.  

I’m going to go inside now and read another book. I might change from a sun dress into sweaters.  I miss the theatre.  I loved the world of dance and theatre because it wasn’t pretentious like the world of Politics and Medicine.  I liked the world when the POLICE Doctors didn’t back lying crack addicted poeople I liked when the Police Doctors we3ren’t corru[t and didn’t abuse their power.  A man threatened to kill me and my dog and I was criticized and lost thousands of dollars for refusing to see him. I was bullied to see a dangerous psychopath on crystal meth by the Police Doctors.  I’m alive.  But when a man and his pit bull attavked me on the street by the clinic the police did nothing and I was seen as anti aboriginal because I said he was ‘aboriginal’.  All these ‘cards’. If you criticize a psychopath Jew, you’re anti septic, If you criticize a psychopathic black you’re racist. But every one generalizes against men and the old and Christians and white people. E#very day on the ne3ws I see this.  Weaponized language and Marxists 4th column.

Oh well.  It’s all God in some way.

I ask what does God want of me.  What is this dance.  God is the prime mover. I’m the Bride of Christ.  Mother and Son.  It’s all metaphors and mind over matter. All digital.

Love is Good.  

Gratitude

Thank you God for the day, for breath, colour, Madigan Thank you for the scents of summer, the blue sky, the wisps of clouds and the birds flitting about the edges, running along the lawns. Thank you for neighbours. Thank you for humanity. Thank you for clothing and fashion. Thank you for money and wealth. Thank you for family. Thank for the adventures. Thank you for the glory. Thank you for the humor. Thank you for the colleagues and friends. Thank you for sobriety. Thank you for genitalia and in door plumbing. Thank you for refridgeration and running water. Thank you for my washing machine and coffee maker. Thank you for coffee. Thank you for grocery stores and truckers and farmers. Thank you for blessings unfolding.

Thank you for books and reading. Thank you for computers. Thank you for Laura. Thank you for holidays and vacations and aeroplanes and trips to Europe and art and museums. Thank you for wilderness and hunting and trucks and rifles. Thank you for pantie and bras and bikinis. Thank you for cammo and khaki and tough material. Thank you for sarongs. Thank you for breezes. Thank you for taste and culture. Thank you for my parents and home I grew up in. Thank you for the neighbourhood and community. Thank you for life.

Thank you for feet and ankles and knees and hips and backs and necks and the celebration of life. Thank you for meditation and prayer. Thank you for creation and changing world and that which remains. Thank for you artistry and the sustaencance.  Guide me Lord. Show me how I can be my best self. Show me thy will and give me the power to carry it out.  Help me meet this day full on. Carpe diem. Thank you for those who have been so important to me, mom and dad, my Brother Ron, my Aunt Sally, Kirk, Carl. Ridd, Jack Hildes, Nady el Guebaly, Bob Manness, Bebchuck, Dean Naimark, Hank, Archie, George, Bernie, Graham, Dick, Hugh, Art, and all those who have cared for me and I have cared for them. Thank you for that connection and spark. Thank you for Agape.  

Thank you Lord. 

Tuesday, Summer day

It’s been a good day. Hot summer day with sun tannng sun.  I have air conditioning inside. Drove to the clinic this morning .Enjouyed seeing colleagues and staff. Patients were a good lot, motivated, progressing.  I’m just being there.  Doing the next right thing.  ODAT.  Staying present.  Sometimes see myself from above.  Playing a part. Saying what I’ve said thousands of times before. Trying to connect, be authentic, be genuine, say what a person needs to hear.  I’m not in the flow so much as going with the flow.

Listened to Donald MacPherson, executive director of the Canadian Drug Policy Coalition.  Good interview.  I agree with decriminalization.  I agree that heroin should be prescribed and appreciated his criticism of government and it’s celebration of alcohol and cigarettes while scapegoating other drugs.  I still think abstinence is the treatment of choice but have always followed other treatments. I’ve practiced wilderness medicine and rarely have I had the opportunity to apply the ‘treatment of choice.’  There’s never the resources. Increasingly I’m doing third world medicine in Canada.  I heard Dr. Sutherland speaking out against the government mismanagement. I liked her whenever I met her. A good doctor.  I’ve just seen ten thousand people over 30 years and remember being in charge of a detox when I was doing my psychiatric residency after working on wet reserves with the university and Indian affairs. A college girl called me ‘racist’ for calling it ‘Indian affairs’ , told me I didn’t know anything about treating aboriginals.  Said I couldn’t help at all if I slurred natives with such labels.  She’s politically correct.  Don’t think she’ll ever get her hands dirty.  Most of government sit in meetings and don’t know what they’re talking about.  I remember when I worked in government. I spent so much time in committee meetings rubberstamping bullshit I had no time to actually do real work.  Now here I am still chopping wood and carrying water.  

I wanted to be a clinician. I’d wanted to be in the university too but the corruption there stopped that. I sometimes wonder about teaching in a college.

I keep meaning to write my book on dogs. I’ve got so many chapters completed. Just need to stitch it together, edit it and publish it. 

There’s the psychiatry book I’m due to write.  

I’d like to wake up and write. Go to my office or deck and each day at a big table lay out my work and complete the projects.  Three months. Easier if I had assistance.  I could hire an assistant.  I’ve got cleaning ladies once a month.  

I still see patients. Each day and someday the negativity, anger, depression, despair and fear such the air out of the room.

I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. I like paying off the mortgage, paying for repairs. Everything is depreciating and requiring upkeep.  The oil light came on in the truck. 

I’m looking forward to snowbirding this fall and maybe spring. That’s the goal.  Keeping on working virtual but saving my lungs and health with dry sun and heat. I d like to go to Berlin and Vienna.  Maybe a train trip to the major cities. I’ve a desire to go to Bangkok and the Phillipines. I want to see South America.  I’ve a desire to go on safari in Africa.  But none of these are pressing. It was really pressing for me to go to Scotland and the Louve. I had that desire build through Covid and the war with Ukraine and Russia.  Now I’m waiting on a camper to go camping. I’ve a week of bow hunting with Laura. 

I enjoyed downloading furniture to the Bustards and see the kids.They have all grown.   Bobby is a big squirmy and Billy a little runner.  Izek and Alex and Kindra are little people.  Kevin and Anna look happy and alive.  Good times.

I’m still in Limbo.  Doing the next right thing. Praying, Meditating. Dr. Ready , the chiropracter is helping my back. I’m having hope and don’t feel the pain and despair I knew in June and earlier.  I survived the vaccines.

I’m okay.  It’s all well.  I go to meetings and share.  I’m grateful. It’s all good.  I had a bungee cord stolen today at the shopping market in Burnaby.  Inflation. Trudeau. Mordor.  Aculturation. Drugs.  Bad times.  A pink bungee cord on the vespa. Two of them. The meaning and symbol.  Theives and lawlessness abound here.  The Trudeau Canada.  

It was just a little break in a good day.   All is well. Thank you Yeshua.  Thank you God.  

Reading novels. Watching tv. Eating leftover pizza.  Taking Madigan for walks around the neighbourhood.  Looking forward to lying on my couch in the sun mid day.

Bow hunting Sept weekend.  Early morning hunt then afternoon relaxation .  

I’m not that motivated.  I don’t have a lot of drive.  I just seem to muddle along.  

“I’m just a small being in the large scheme of things’, the counsellor said to me at the clinic

“I’m just the kazoo in the symphony of life. I am the voiceover on the comic strip at best.” I said in reply

We laughed. 

Laura’s doctors were evicted and have a new building. Laura’s organizing and setting up. Her psychotic one lied about getting his injection. She’s heard ing ducks. Her kids received an inheritance so are doing well now.  I like watching Evie grow, like Madigan and Billy and Bobby. I’m enjoying seeing some of the kids born in Covid growing into little humans in pictures on Facebook. Life progresses.

I was looking at people guessing their age.  Realized I was the oldest person I’d seen when I was out.  I think of myself as maybe 40.  I used to think I was 17.  I liked my friend who called herself eyes looking out of a corpse.  My patient said since he’d sobered up he thinks a lot of his own mortality.  Denial of death came to mind. Existential angst.  Here we are in life and not knowing what will come

Olivia Newton John died today.  So many of the celebrities I grew up on having birthdays and looking old or dying and dead.  Hard to relate to my cohort and maintain an optimism of immortality. I know I’ll live on but no idea what tomorrow will bring.  I live and work to give my dog a good life. 

Friday, August, Summer day

I’m outside at the picnic table with Madigan walking about sniffing the tiny yard.  I’m looking at the Keystone Fuzion RV.  40 feet of home. My land yacht. The SV GIRI 40 feet of home is up on land near Kingston.  The Harley and Vespa are parked over by the road. I’ve a barbecue on the table beside me.  I just thought how all my needs for life and work are contained in this little space with luxury, really.  There is such waste of space in the city and those that claim to know best and strut and pontificate for money don’t seem to know much.  Not that anyone does.  God is great all the time. The mystery is most of it. We are such a tiny speck in the whole.  I’m moved to consider the billions of stars in the telescope and the countless cells in the microscope. Microcosm and Microcosm.

I’ve woken at 6 am dreaming of the peninsula with open water and river, a series of lakes, a space much larger than I’d considered with connecting terraces and habitats. I was in a mix of people and seemed to be in my northern and ocean practice.

I’ve just discipline Madigan. He began barking at my neighbours and wouldn’t come when I called. He’s inside now. His barking is irritating and I must make further moves to control it.  

It was chilly when we walked about the park this morning.  It’s warming up. I have three patients and an IDAA meeting. Then the cleaning ladies come for the afternoon. They are from Merry Maids and supervised by the Asian lady Annie.  I don’t remember their names though think one was Laurie. One was 7 years in NA.  I’ve a chiropracter visit with Dr. 

Ready tomorrow morning. Tomorrow afternoon the Bustards are meeting me at my storage locker where I am lightening up by giving them my old furniture. It was bought for my offices and written off. I just don’t need the weight.  I hope they appreciate it.  They’re valuable pieces.  I’d like more time and help reducing the ‘excess’ in the storage locker. I’d like to reduce my files and get rid of the boxes of excess.  I will make some progress this weekend.  Sunday I have an apt for a monkeypox vaccine.  

I’ve thought of training in pulling this trailer but expect it will wait till next year.  This year I am booking a Best Western motel in Yuma for November. I have thought of going to Berlin and Vienna. I thought to travel au femme.  Laura and I have a bow hunting trip first week of Sept.  I’m looking forward to the ATV riding.  

I’ve been reading westerns.  I’ve signed up for a day of Psychopharmacology at UBC in Sept. A Friday I’ve another couple of one day courses I’d like to take on line from Oxford England.

I’m in Limbo still working on being in the day. I’ve these vague plans and feel I’m doing ‘good enough’ working still. I just don’t know how I’d live without the steady income. I’m not ready to reduce my spending though in many ways I have .  I’m downsizing and when I heard of a doctor retiring at 77 thought that could be me. This is a good easy life in many ways except for the back pain and desire to transform.  I think of getting estrogen in Mexico.  I would like PreP too.  I imagine that I’d be then ‘open’ to contact and fantasize about meeting someone if only for a tryst.  Laura seems to be winding down and I don’t feel like I’ve lived yet in some ways. I want more life and adventure.  I look forward to having my camper again.  I am weary of loneliness and would be among adults who are sober but not prudish so that I can feel comfortable in company. It is something I miss.  Human interaction.  

I see patients all day and travel within the lines.  

I’m thankful for God and all the wonders of creation. Thank you for my family, friends, home, training, work.  Thank you for all the blessings I ‘m so glad to have. Thank you for this day and help me know you and your will more clearly.

Thank you.

I saw this on a walk one morning and was attracted but Madigan would be happier with the car or truck

George and his wife Dahl….he asked me to give him his 46 year cake as Marty was away. What an honor. 

Sun tanning

I’ve spent an hour outside in hot sun. My colour has changed, Pink to brown.  I’m exhausted. Sweaty in the hot sun. Enjoying meditating and praying while baking.  I grow impatient. I’ve never been good at tanning. It takes patience. I read in the sun. Loved sailing with the boat on autopilot lying in the cockpit, shortened sails, fishing lines out, sometimes classical music playing. I was reading and enjoying the sun.  Often just a sarong for visitors or my beloved canvas shorts that served for years.  I grew brown and darker in the tradewinds later when fishing was put aside and sails were maintained wing on wing, glorious amidst endless blue.

Today it was just a lawn chair. Hedonism.  Fears of Covid fueled by media. I’ve not had a cold or flu in a couple of years. I thought I’d die returning from India gobbling Zithromax and lozenges and hacking out my lungs. I survived.  I don’t want to be sick again. I worked through so much illness in my day.  

Now I’m only called upon by Madigan to walk him about the park. He doesn’t want long or brisk walks more sniff trips and pee messaging. Then he’s home happy to be napping and occasionally bothering me for hugs and throwing the yellow ball.  

I would be fed grapes and have fans waxed about me and be sated with love all orifices, left used and even abused.  Lemonade.  With the grapes.  Naked bodies providing massages.  I imagine the lives of the elite in times gone by and even today.  Escorts and fancy hotel rooms.  Islands of pleasure. I didn’t even go to a Club Med when they were available. I’ve been more likely to head to an ashram. I was in love and loved and loved to love.  Now I’m old and lust appeals in the fantasy world. My preference really is a nap. I loved the joke where the woman said lets run up stairs to the bedroom and make love. The husband replied I can do one or the other.  I”m sort of that way.  

I don’t know what to do when I grow up so am focusing on doing the next best thing and being a bit minimalist. I’ve been active this weekend but not by comparison to other years.  There’s so much I could be doing but instead I lie on the couch and read.  It’s safe and I can masturbate as a break from boredom.  I make my own meals and do all else myself. I wished that I’d been cared for more in my life but then my stark independence has been safer than the years of betrayal and failed expectations.  I’m okay.  It’s a good life. It’s reasonable. I have endless of memories of excess. This new moderation or even under play is new to me.  I used to overplay my hand and over extend myself.  So busy.  I can’t recall when last I was this free.  

It’s okay. Im grateful for the pace and freedom. I am working on staying in the day and communing with God.  I would do Thy Will not My will.  I would know Thee more fully and truly.  I once strove for samadhi , spiritual awakenings and nirvana and salvation but now I’m just passing through .  I like that we’re walking each other home.  

I’ve a book on dog adventures to write. I’ve written the tales in blogs and just need to collect and edit them. I think it would be fun and even sell. 

Thank you Jesus.