Another upset night

2 am and I’m woken again by a night mare. The patient is disgusted I question her. She is the queen and empress, the bad mother, the wicked witch of the west, the siren, the woman who holds all men in contempt. I shrivel and want to die. She is the torturer the native woman who takes delight in causing pain to her enemies. She is the one who flays victims with supreme patients. She is Eva Brawn. She is the Queen. She is Sex and violence.m

I woke up in terror judged and waiting for the men she calls to demolish me because I questioned her. She is above question. There is only one voice and it is hers. She is victim. She who wears gold and commands armies is victim. I must be smitten. Destroyed all trace removed, punished. The servant who was falsely accused. I am the decapitated. I am the threat removed.

The nightmare is a moment of all those times when she was angry and set out to destroy. The women who tried to kill me and the lies packaged in a dream with the men who join in the cannibalism.

I’m afraid. I’m weary and old and dying and zorbah the Greek is dying and the unchosen of the Sophie choice.

Despair.

I awake in despair.

I am grieving all the life and death of seen. 

No one cares.

Duty, services, oaths valour. All are forgotten.

The idealism is gone.

The masks are off.

I am the old man crying and no one cares.

The hecklers are out in force.

I had a nightmare.

But the day was good. I served. I did what I was taught to do. I filled the space, a human in the thin wall, standing with others who care, thanked by others of like mind. Asking where are my people, where is my tribe and working friends smile and see you stand beside them, others dying, others sick, the music thin like weak soup.

I did another day.

I slept 6 hours last night and 2 hours tonight before the night mare. I’ll sleep more.

I am blessed, the Horror has passed. The inability to breathe, the chest discomfort, the weakness, past.

I am okay. I will be okay. God is with me. I am with God. Life is good. I will not be afraid for thou aren’t with me.

Thank you Jesus for this life, your sacrifice, your service, your life. Humility. Humble.

Small is beautiful. All is beautiful. Thank you for the air. Thank you for the colours. Thank you for light and love.