Possibilities

Here I am again with a full range of possibilities. I am obligated to my dog and to my health and welfare. I have a code of behaviour from the Bible that restricts my deviance.  I don’t believe God is restrictive but does make clear by stories and example the perils of sin.

My guide is Jesus who said Love God and Love thy neighbour as thyself.  I’ve devoted my life to service and sacrifice and frankly it’s been fun and entertaining. It’s not like I’ve been on the cross too long. More often I’ve been avoiding conflict. I’m like a dessert father. Yet I’ve fought my share of defensive wars against the Vikings.

I’m a Celt by nature and just learned that’s the Roman term for ‘barbarian’.  Not bad.  I do dislike the charming slime of the Trudeau types.  Yet I’m older and would lose the ruffian worn demure.  I’m leaning to gentile.  Partly because I like lounging. Age has me no longer wishing to carry deer out of the woods on my back or stand before the mast in a storm.

My back hurts. I saw the chiropracter this week and took about 6 ibuprofen a day for a couple of days It was the first 2 days without constant chronic pain I’ve had in months. I wake up in pain with my first movement but stretching helps and as the day goes on the movement reduces pain but I feel fragile and am thankful I have desk job I work and mostly don’t have any great desire to do else.

I’ve hunted and sailed and motorcycled and bicycled and built and travelled. I tried to have children .  I certainly fucked my share and even had a sperm test done to show I was indeed fertile but God had other plans or the women used contraceptive. I even had one nurse cutting the tips off my condoms.  Another aborted the child she said.  I’ve taken fairly mighty blows.

These days my thoughts throw up mostly the negatives of the past. I remember my parents in old age daydreaming the good times and expect one day my mind will be kind and give forth all those wondrous times of my life. I still think of my loving family and so many good times.  I like to actually remember consciously the good times with my ex wives before their alcohol and drug addictions interefered as did mine. Our destinies parted. I had married for family and children and now realize we were never on the same page.  I was raised a Christian and marriage was synonymous with sex.  My first partner went onto have a great family yet we’d decided together when we were that contraception was the thing.  Single I used condoms but married I did not.  Single I’ve always been germophobic.

It’s the doctor,

I’ve been blessed in all my life and relationships and am very thankful for the life I have to day. I have food clothing shelter and friends and meaningful work, a great dog, close friends at a distance,like family. I’m alone a lot.  I don’t have to be. There’ s many who would welcome me in their midst but I’m quite overwhelmed by work and thankful to be alone off work.  I’ve grown sensitive. I’d like to listen more to symphony and see art. I don’t wish to talk.  I loved being with Laura and the companionship.  We have fun together with Madigan. 

It’s all good. I’m thankful.  Gratitude is good. I’m continuing to ask God for direction. I’m waiting. In the meantime I’m enjoying working on a tan and walking the dog and barbecuing.  I like wearing women’s clothing too.  Mens’ clothing is associated with work. I miss the sarong or canvas shorts I sailed the tropics in.  I had no need of clothing.  I like the ‘tunic’.  And Sheaths.  Like the Roman soldiers.  Clothing has meaning for me. So many uniforms in my life. Now I want ‘leisure’ and nothing that binds.  It’s summer and I like not wearing a belt.  There’s the lightness of being.  In a month I’ll be hunting a gain and back to jeans in the backwoods. I’m looking forward to riding about backwoods on my quad with a bow and a dog.  

Now it’s time to work.  

Thank you God for this day and all your blessings.