April 14, Tuesday, 2020. Covid 19 Quarantine

I am thankful for this day, the sunshine, the blue sky. My quarantine companion, Gilbert, is a blessing. I have indoor plumbing, clean water, Ethiopian expresso coffee, cold milk, honey, yogurt, granola. I have a comfortable home. I’m still working. The news continues to improve.  The Facebook humor continues to amuse. There are moments of clarity.

Last night I woke at 2 am.  A night mare. 1984. Dealing with beurocrats.  The old recurring interrogation with communist low brows.  Grey suits, Empty rooms. Ancient jails.  I feel there are bullies who want the world to return to normal where they could tease humiliate and dominate others beneath them knowing their superiors in the lick and kick game would back them.

I am thrown back to elementary school where I fought to defend my friends from older gangs.  I’m older now, exercising, trying to loosen my back muscles, uncertain if I could even run very far if I was chased.  Frustrated with age.  In the middle of a crisis and all I have to do is wait. I’m meditating.

I talk to God constantly. I have mostly positive thoughts.  It’s been a good life. The hopes and dreams could still come to pass.  Time is more precious older.  Yet here is fine. I’m nothing to complain about even if I try to make a case against reality. It’s simply okay.  I have fleeting negative moments.

Most of my dreams are really positive. It’s not all like the days of nightmares. I do have flashbacks to the emergency and being spat on, the blood in my face, aids drug addicts after fights with cops using their disease as a weapon , so desperate, wanting to take a doctor to death with them.  So much fear back then when I was immortal and being a man and a hero seemed admirable. I don’t feel immortal today.

I am gender fluid in regards to vulnerability. I feel testosterone lowering with age and estrogen increasing. I have no desire to fight. I fear touching as much as bruising. I no longer have the skill to jump in the air and kick an assailant in the face defending myself on the streets from knife wielding thugs. Since being mugged by ten Muslims screaming ‘infidel’  in Athens I’m less confident. The bad group in gangs. I remember we used to walk as pairs or alone or sometimes threes and fours but more and more the gangs were appearing. I like this social distancing and it levels the playing field. No longer do I see ten young men together.  I am alone and fear for my blind old dog with a sore back.

Now I’m taking solace in the isolation. I become anxious when out of control random people pass and it’s apparent from their manner that they are immature or disrespectful.  Yesterday, a large family spread across the whole path and not moving aside.  Another young guy passing inches from me when there was a whole path.  I acquiesce. I can’t fight even if I wanted to. I fear any contact. I just want him out of my space. If I shot or stabbed or hit someone that close there would be blood splatter.

I don’t want anyone near me. I just go out to do my errands and walk the dog and these people annoy me because they won’t keep their distance.  I understand the funny pictures of men with various devices that establish a space. Don’t people feel they’re invading my personal space.
But no, they’re so insensitive. It’s long been an issue for me the loudness of the world, the proximity of so much tension, and me only at ease in the wilderness.

These things I reflect on when I journal are so minute and unnecessary. I allow my memory to reflect on the bother. I watched a beautiful drake mallard for the longest time. The sun was coming through the trees and the light and dark shadows almost zebra’d.  But does my wayward mind focus on those moments.

I had the iPhone in one hand the dog poop in another and I threw the iPhone into the dog poop bin by mistake. I was trying so hard to be clean and safe and here I ended up half climbing into the dog bin trash can. I showered when I got home that day and put all my clothes in the laundry. God has a sense of humor. I had such hubris.

Thinking like a Pharisee or Sadducean. Believing in the magic and rituals and not remembering it’s always in God’s hands. I must tether the camel and trust in God. Faith without works is dead but works without faith is lost too.

I have this blank slate new day and can celebrate with praise and gratitude. It’s an opportunity to be more with God.  I love breathing in in the morning. The breath of life. I once took it for granted. Now as I walk the dog I take deep breaths. I am thankful for the pain free moments. I’m so blessed to have coffee and honey.  It’s a glorious life , a gift of creation. I’m inconvenienced but its a matter of creativity to make the most of what I have.  Necessity is the mother of invention. Now I get to have a morning shower. I love the smell of the soap.  Clean clothes and a brief walk with the dog before a day of homework begins.

Thank you Jesus! Praise the Lord. Hallelujah! Life is Good.  May my family and friends be safe today. May all I love and care be surrounded by your grace and touched by your love. Thy will be done. Not my will. Thy will be done.  Hallelujah!