Algadones, Mexico, Day 13

I’m so happy to be here.  I woke at 7 am, even had a shower and walked Madigan before I attended my morning meeting.  It’s a wonderful group of inspirational friends. Some call us family.  I try to attend as often as I can on line.  There’s an overlapping meeting Monday and Friday with some of the same people.  We talk of god and the unmanagability of life. Fate and free will discussion and spirituality.  It’s a wonderful way to begin a day listening to geniuses and sharing.

I crossed the border into Mexico at 930 am but here in the time zone was 830.  I first met Sandra and was able to buy the earrings Laura picked from the photo I sent her after seeing Sandra yesterday.  It’s Laura’s birthday so jewelry goes well and is easy to ship with Fed Ex or UPS. Last year I used the US mail but don’t trust Canada Post yet after their strike,  Sandra’s husband’s name is Israel and they got to the Catholic Church Sunday.  I bought some more earrings for the girls in the family as well.  I sent purses last year and they were liked .I’ll send wallets or little purses this year so it’s easier to mail.

I walked over to Sol Opticians but they had a line up so I said I’d go for breakfast. He recommended the outdoor Prius cafe down the snowbird alley.  It was good to sit outside in the sun. I loved the huevos rancheros.  Huevo Rancheros is a favourite food I first encountered in Mexico 40 years ago and have loved ever since.  The same goes for Mango Lassies I discovered in Bomba India when I visited there in the late 80’s.

At Sol Optical, the lovely woman optican told me I needed to see a specialist since she was concerned I may be developing cataracts,  My night vision has declined. She asked about floaters but I ‘ve had those since I had a ball hit me in the eye.  She recommended I see my ophthalmologist before investing in another pair of glasses. I’ll definitely do that when I return.  Dad said blindness was the worst in his late 80’s as it took away so many of his enjoyments, watching, tv, reading, driving.  I liked that at Sol opticians they were more interested in my health than making a sale.  

After I left there I walked around the corner to my favourite leather store.  The last couple of years I’ve sent purses to family and bought some for Laura when she visited. This time I only bought my sister in law a large purse while the niece in laws and Laura I bought new smaller Coach purses that appear contemporary.  I liked that being smaller they’d be easier to ship with UPS or Fed Ex.  Now I’ve done all my major gift buying but will be in the area a week or two more at least. I’ll have time to consider the God kids in that time.  

For now I’m having express at the Coffee Shop. Each year I come and sit in this corner typing with my iPad and enjoying the Mediplaza atmosphere, fairly tranquil and out of the way.  The street vendors haven’t bothered me as much this year but then I’ve only been au drab while in previous years I was dressed au femme most of my visits  alone.  It goes in waves apparently aligned with my anxiety and boredom. Right now I’m rather content with my masculinity.  Also medical conditions tend to focus attention on survival.  I don’t seem to be able to escape aging.  I might want to face it and try not to be distracted.  

I’m ambivalent about the future.  I have lost my two best friends of decades in Vancouver and my brother these last years.  My childhood best friend remains in the islands and I’m grateful for his contact.  On Facebook I see school friends and am inspired by them.  It’s difficult aging and making decisions for the future.  I am wealthy today but poor without pension and if I live to be 100.  I continue to work because I enjoy being of service.  The alternative would be to write books and I’ve certainly been procrastinating that. I really should write a discourse on psychiatry and gives talks when I travel so I can continue to write off trips.  

With the high costs of living in Canada and the punitive tax burden of the communist oriented Liberal government and their corrupt PM Trudeau who has just retired, I don’t know what to plan for the future I envisioned living in Mexico younger. I thought it would be great to live in La Paz on my ship and work half the year.  Now here I am living in southern Arizona relatively inexpensively.  I’m essentially on a mixed work vacation and can afford to do this as long as I’m working.  But there’s damage to my Camper that will cost to repair.  Last year my camper repair costs were $10,000.  My RV home costs were $2000 a month.  If i moved out of Vancouver to the country I could live for $1000 a month for housing like it is here.  I simply don’t know.  I’m mostly here because Laura is here and I’ve work and friends in the two clinics I work at.  I have my men’s group and George and others there give me a sense of belonging.  

I’m very grateful for the adventure of life.  I love my dog and travel and have enjoyed sailing, skiing and scuba diving but don’t do those anymore. I’m not even excited as before about hunting. I like motorcycling and quadding, camping, reading and writing.  I like my meetings and church.  I would like to get back into Tai Chi.  

It’s the whole issue of living in the present.  I’m calm and happiest when I’m present.  My mind is mostly at peace,  I drift into future zooming and dooming and then the anxiety strikes.,  Being told my eyes are aging is unsettling ,  For several years my back pain has interfered with sex and exercise. I’ve tried to do the exercises and swim but the pain is straining.  

I am thankful that Trudeau has stepped down. He was evil and my nemesis.  Now I feel there is perhaps hope.

I am lonely at times .  I returned to Canada earlier last year after only a couple of month because I was lonely.  I am a lone with. God.  I enjoy being here than being alone in wilderness as I did before. I like sitting in cities writing. I have my camper and it’s isolated in an RV park miles front Yuma.  Tomorrow I’ll ride my Vespa with Madigan into Yuma to attend church.  

Madigan is beginning to bark at strangers When he gets into sheriff mode, he’s bored and wants to move on,  There are children playing on the crow in the plaza and he wants to play with them.  Considering how many people I’ve seen in my life I am rather aloof now in life . That goes with the territory.  

Thank you God for this life Thank you for the color and sights .  Thank you for Madigan. Thank you for Laura. Thanks you for Adell, Graeme, Andrew , Allen , Tanya, Meagan,  Elliot and Finn. Thank you for the dogs.

Thank you for all the blessings, Thank you for the glorious hot dry weather. Thank you for the kindness and friendliness of people. Thank you for coffee. Thank you for my ability to travel. Thank you for all o the senses. 

Time to use the washroom and head for the border crossing. 

It’s a good day.  God is good all of the time 

Daylight savings

I went to bed last night after a movie and an episode of NCIS.  Jethro was working on his boat in his basement. I remembered dad making a boat in the garage.  I’m trying to sell my boat since age and back pain and weakness since my fall in Scotland have discouraged me from hopes of sailing with my brother or taking the inside passage to the Caribbean in preparation for an Atlantic crossing to the Mediterranean.  It’s hard to believe Ron passed so many, so few years ago.  My friends George and John died . Then Vivian in Covid. I bought sage to smudge this place after it’s time in storage. That brought back thoughts of her.  The world’s a lonelier place.  I’ve actually enjoyed my camper truck motorcycle land yacht and am even considering this beast as a nomad’s castle.  I’ve plans of visiting Hay Bay this summer.  I haven’t seen the nephews or the great nephews.  I feel so alien in contrast to their normalcy.  Adell is in pickleball tournaments and Alen and Megan are saving for a house.

I’ve signed up for a new course and now wonder about the timing.  It’s feast or famine in my life with too little or too much work.  I was beat up this weeks with one physically threatening patient and another beaurocratically threatening. Both were a product of their disease so I felt sadness for their sickness and understood that their anger with the authorities who had failed them was now directed at me the front line worker they had contact with.  Their calls are not being answered by government services and they’re been refused and cut off.  Drugs and alcohol, isolation and alienation but I’m afraid because I’ve been hit several times in the past.  These were virtual but the psychic stress of verbal abuse and biting the hand that feeds and false allegations and deceit all still come through the screen.  I was exhausted this weekend. I’ve others phoning and wanting to speak but I was emotionally raw and felt that all I could do is recoup for another week in the trenches.  I’ve also several ‘yes,but’ terribly soul sucking negative people believing in their marijuana which no longer is working like alcohol fails and now they blame me and the antidepressants for their problem.  I wouldn’t mind so much but I’ve talked with the back benchers and administrative set and they’re so far removed from reality they may as well be on the space station.  They don’t even register that our clinics now have to post signs don’t hurt the staff. Everyone is lying about the post covid mass illegal immigrations and the devastation rapid inflation by corrupt government has had on those with fixed pensions or disability.

I’m actually blessed. My dog is well. We walk several times a day even in the rain. I had him at the off leash dog park a couple of times this weekend and I even swam doing laps and getting much needed exercise.

Now I’m planning on church. I’d thought about church last night but felt with the time change confusion it would be okay if I didn’t make it .  It was Burnaby round up yesterday. I had tickets and wanted at least to go for the evening program. Yet driving at night was discouraging so Me and Ed’s lasagna and a movie instead.  

Now I really should get up and get dressed.   

 

Gratitude. Thank you for the electric blanket. Thank you for the electric heater fireplace. Thank you for the propane heater. Thank you for the warm. Thank you for Madigan. Thank for Jesus. Thank you for running water. Thank you for my health. Thank you for my mobility. Thank you for my car and truck and motorcycle . Thank you for my home and work.  Thank you for today. Thank you for incense and smell. Thank you for feeling. Thank you for sobriety. Thank you dance. Thank you for theatre.  Thank you for music.  Help me to find the time and resource to attend the symphony. I’d hoped to this weekend but maybe next.  Thank you for stories.  Thank you for plane flight. Thank you for milk and coffee. Thank you for yogurt and gummy vitamins. Thank you for thought and reflection. Thank you for reading.  

Thank you God. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Holy Spirit. 

Yuma - love

I ward off fear every day.  I like that religion is for those who have never been to hell and spirituality for those who have been and don’t want to go back.  My very life and being and mind were threatened by a satanic man .  I knew fear. I’d seen the torture provided in the name of justice. I’d witnessed the grossest abuse of power.  I was afraid. I was experiencing ‘incomprehenible demoralization’ and cried out to Jesus.  I had felt beyond Grace. I felt every path I took was blocked. I thought ‘how could all these bad things be happening to a good guy like me’.  I felt the depth of betrayal and knew terror and despair.  I cried out to Jesus.  I cried out to God.  

“My God  My God why hast thou forsaken me?” “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?’  I was in the long dark night of the soul.  

I survived. Later I’d be in a hurricane in winter at sea, days inside of the washing machine like sail boat unable to find comfort, totally at the mercy.  I  felt then the  same physically as I’d felt imprisoned by enemies.  This time I did not feel I was alone or that I had done wrong. I felt close with God.  I’d not turned my back on Jesus but knew he was with me. I had faith and trust in the Lord.  I’d clung to him in the darkest of times and been rewarded.  I’d confessed my sins. I was no longer alone and alienated. I’d been the Prodigal Son returning to my family. I’d sought the guidance and leadership of  Christian missionary doctors and Christian professors, and spiritual friends.  I’d begun the path back to the god of my understanding. I once again sought to know daily God and God’s will for me. I prayed daily and eventually ceaselessly as St. Paul had taught. I meditated as I had long ago learned.  I lived.  I humbly turned my will and my life over to God. I accepted I was powerless over alcohol and drugs and that my life had become unmanageable. I found the lost strength and hope within me. I attended church and meetings and studies.  I pilgrimaged to the Holy Lands and prayed in the places of worship of the holy.  I literally let go and let God.  

I contrast the time I have today with that turning point decades ago. I’d put my faith in romance back then and looked to sex and drugs and rock and roll for answers. Today I talk directly with God and ask for his forgiveness and guidance.  Each day I begin the day in gratitude and ask for the presence of Jesus Christ in my life.  I pray to God and the saints of all religions . I am a seeker and yet trust in the Hound of Heaven. I know the footprints in the sand and see the hand prints of God in my life. Theres’ a fourth dimension I often stumble into. . That flow or consciousness that is beyond all human understanding, the transscendence.   I fear at times I am a spiritual consumer seeking the nectar of God. It is a journey and destination. I accept I am in this life and enjoy food,  .exercise, sleep and fellowship that  is itself Godly.  I live in this world but I ‘ m not of this world.  I am a child of God but I am vigilant, less naive, older. 

I dreamed of being given marijuana by a taxi driver last night. I took the package and woke.  I still have dreams like that, not using, but as C.S. Lewis say thinking that God could be found in the wall of his creation. I want direct contact with God . The old tantric path was thoroughly explored. The journey is forward not back.  It served its time back when.  Now it has no future.  I don’t know why it came to me out of my memories, as a tease or temptation.   I imagine it was because I ‘ve been watching 007 and revisiting the 60’s.  I’m remembering youth and love and dancing in the streets of San Francisco with flowers in our hair.  I’m reading a book on the history of Northern Africa and remembering being in the Kazbah, me and Bobby McGee. I’m grieving my youth.   

Today I’m old and life has been a grand adventure with my Doystoeyski encounter with the sophisticated devil who offered me a choice. I look the road I did and the one he din’t not know. Now I’m feeling sometimes that I’m in Heaven’s waiting room but I know that’s decades a head.  It’s the weariness that assails me now sometimes.  I remember the single footprints in the sand then. I say All shall be well, all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well. I remember Hal’s teachings on an Attitude of Gratitude. I try to get over myself.  I try to keep my head in the same room as my ass.  I know God is in the present. 

It’s best then I go for a walk.  My dog is always happy to walk with me. He’s a great teacher.  

Thank you God for rescuing me from myself. Thank you God for loving me as father and mother and giving me a father and mother who loved and taught me love. . Thank you God for this life of mystery and adventure. Thank you for the journey, companions and memories.  Help me do my best today, Grant me serenity, courage and wisdom. 

April 14, Tuesday, 2020. Covid 19 Quarantine

I am thankful for this day, the sunshine, the blue sky. My quarantine companion, Gilbert, is a blessing. I have indoor plumbing, clean water, Ethiopian expresso coffee, cold milk, honey, yogurt, granola. I have a comfortable home. I’m still working. The news continues to improve.  The Facebook humor continues to amuse. There are moments of clarity.

Last night I woke at 2 am.  A night mare. 1984. Dealing with beurocrats.  The old recurring interrogation with communist low brows.  Grey suits, Empty rooms. Ancient jails.  I feel there are bullies who want the world to return to normal where they could tease humiliate and dominate others beneath them knowing their superiors in the lick and kick game would back them.

I am thrown back to elementary school where I fought to defend my friends from older gangs.  I’m older now, exercising, trying to loosen my back muscles, uncertain if I could even run very far if I was chased.  Frustrated with age.  In the middle of a crisis and all I have to do is wait. I’m meditating.

I talk to God constantly. I have mostly positive thoughts.  It’s been a good life. The hopes and dreams could still come to pass.  Time is more precious older.  Yet here is fine. I’m nothing to complain about even if I try to make a case against reality. It’s simply okay.  I have fleeting negative moments.

Most of my dreams are really positive. It’s not all like the days of nightmares. I do have flashbacks to the emergency and being spat on, the blood in my face, aids drug addicts after fights with cops using their disease as a weapon , so desperate, wanting to take a doctor to death with them.  So much fear back then when I was immortal and being a man and a hero seemed admirable. I don’t feel immortal today.

I am gender fluid in regards to vulnerability. I feel testosterone lowering with age and estrogen increasing. I have no desire to fight. I fear touching as much as bruising. I no longer have the skill to jump in the air and kick an assailant in the face defending myself on the streets from knife wielding thugs. Since being mugged by ten Muslims screaming ‘infidel’  in Athens I’m less confident. The bad group in gangs. I remember we used to walk as pairs or alone or sometimes threes and fours but more and more the gangs were appearing. I like this social distancing and it levels the playing field. No longer do I see ten young men together.  I am alone and fear for my blind old dog with a sore back.

Now I’m taking solace in the isolation. I become anxious when out of control random people pass and it’s apparent from their manner that they are immature or disrespectful.  Yesterday, a large family spread across the whole path and not moving aside.  Another young guy passing inches from me when there was a whole path.  I acquiesce. I can’t fight even if I wanted to. I fear any contact. I just want him out of my space. If I shot or stabbed or hit someone that close there would be blood splatter.

I don’t want anyone near me. I just go out to do my errands and walk the dog and these people annoy me because they won’t keep their distance.  I understand the funny pictures of men with various devices that establish a space. Don’t people feel they’re invading my personal space.
But no, they’re so insensitive. It’s long been an issue for me the loudness of the world, the proximity of so much tension, and me only at ease in the wilderness.

These things I reflect on when I journal are so minute and unnecessary. I allow my memory to reflect on the bother. I watched a beautiful drake mallard for the longest time. The sun was coming through the trees and the light and dark shadows almost zebra’d.  But does my wayward mind focus on those moments.

I had the iPhone in one hand the dog poop in another and I threw the iPhone into the dog poop bin by mistake. I was trying so hard to be clean and safe and here I ended up half climbing into the dog bin trash can. I showered when I got home that day and put all my clothes in the laundry. God has a sense of humor. I had such hubris.

Thinking like a Pharisee or Sadducean. Believing in the magic and rituals and not remembering it’s always in God’s hands. I must tether the camel and trust in God. Faith without works is dead but works without faith is lost too.

I have this blank slate new day and can celebrate with praise and gratitude. It’s an opportunity to be more with God.  I love breathing in in the morning. The breath of life. I once took it for granted. Now as I walk the dog I take deep breaths. I am thankful for the pain free moments. I’m so blessed to have coffee and honey.  It’s a glorious life , a gift of creation. I’m inconvenienced but its a matter of creativity to make the most of what I have.  Necessity is the mother of invention. Now I get to have a morning shower. I love the smell of the soap.  Clean clothes and a brief walk with the dog before a day of homework begins.

Thank you Jesus! Praise the Lord. Hallelujah! Life is Good.  May my family and friends be safe today. May all I love and care be surrounded by your grace and touched by your love. Thy will be done. Not my will. Thy will be done.  Hallelujah!