“I look at the window and if there are no bars, I make my own coffee.”
The bars I live with are all internalized. I’m old and I’ve been obeying all the laws and doing as I was told and feeling like it’s never enough. The Prime Minister insults me personally. A wasted pumped up amateur wannabe embarrassment he still criticizes me and calls others like me wealthy and entitled. There is talk these days of ‘priviledge’ yet all I hear are critics and when the real heavy lifting is called for all these snow flakes vanish.
I’m tired too. It’s been a long hard week, going to work and dealing with Gilbert’s surgery. I’m thankful he’s recovered. His nights of whimpering and my sleepless nights took their toll.
But the old soldier told me of his nightmare at D Day. “We’d been trained. There was nothing to prepare us for the beaches. Friends beside you having their heads blown right off. Noise. Bombs. Blinding flashes. Bullets. Running forward over dead bodies. Diving into the blood and sand. The only thing that saved me was the drill. We’d been taught over and over again. Load, aim, fire, advance, load, aim fire, what the sergeant had said. They’d survived and they told us what to do from experience. We practiced over and over. It was all that got me through that day. Doing the drill.”
So when I wake up I have my own kind of drill. I make coffee. I feed the animals. George was actually out playing with Gilbert, bumped him with his head. They’re cute that way. Gilbert took it in a good natured way, wagging his tail. He’s still wearing his cone after surgery. He enjoyed the Little Cesar I gave him and even went onto eat some dried food.
I got out an egg I’d boiled yesterday, a banana and a couple of pieces of Babybel Cheese. As soon as I began to remove the cellophane wrapper Gilbert’s head shot up. Despite blindness he found his way immediately to my side. It’s his favourite cheese. That’s why I got it. We have shared some each day after his surgery. He ate venison and steak and liver pate as well. I worried so much about him this time. He was slow to recover, compared to the removal of his first eye. Slow to start drinking water and peeing and a day late pooping. He’s back on track. At the office he gets up to greet his friends, the dog lovers or Gilbert lovers, in my practice. He is wagging his tail and sitting to be petted. I’m relaxing.
Now I’ll get in the shower and dress. More of the morning ‘getting to work drill’. I’ve a ritual. Everything is orderly so I don’t have to reinvent the wheel each day searching for things like keys and wallets. I’m having to look for pants. I put a couple of pairs of jeans in the laundry and have been wearing black dress pants which look a lot like the black sweats. It’s the only snag in the flow of dressing this week.
I sometimes go over the drill in my mind trying not to forget something. Earlier this week, it was a pen. I left without a pen and that obsessive compulsive part of me was mildly annoyed all day using a plastic throwaway I got from the clinic.
Other doctors have been away and sick so I’ve been holding the fort alone. It gives me comfort to be of assistance knowing I’m contributing.I serve my patients and working now in these other clinics am glad to help and pull my weight as it’s reciprocal. When I’m not there someone covers for me. There are no extra doctors. If a doctor is absent the others have to carry his load. My emergency room doctor friend has been alone in a department where there were supposed to be 5 doctors.
Canada may have the most corrupt and incompetent government management of health care in western civilization. Whenever there has been a problem the solution of the Communist mentality administration is more administration. The result is that we have the most administration in the western world and least doctors, highest costs and least doctors. I’ve worked in the private and public sector and the private sector is better less grossly incompetent. There’s countless committee meetings in the public sectors and everyone avoids seeing patients. It’s become increasingly worse over the years.
Then I read in an article that Dr. Bill McEwan is now head of St. Paul’s Psychiatry. I don’t know how long that’s been but I worked with Bill years ago and he was one of those really bright lights and incredibly fine clinicians. Seeing him in this position gives such hope. It’s like having Dr. Hurwitz as head of Neuropsychiatry at UBC. The man’s a regular genius yet I don’t know how they manage in the beurocracy. It’s not so bad as it was when I was there and the head was whipping naked women in his office and the drugs and alcohol were flowing freely. I loved that Dr. Soma Ganesin, the brilliant cultural psychiatrist got a chair of cross cultural psychiatry. Dr. Howard is another of my favourites. Of course Dr. Bob Stowe, the behavioural neurologist working in psychiatry is my personal pick for the highest award for research and clinical medicine. Truly extraordinary clinician but also an amazingly clear thinking academic and researcher. I keep hearing of people I admired most retiring, Dr. Solomon, Dr. Marriage. That's a downside of aging.
I’m too quick to disparage institutions. These people who are truly amazing clinicians and great souls work there. I’m far too jaded by my contact with the drunken drug abusing psychiatrists who were fucking students and patients and being protected by the College of Physicians and Surgeons. The college is always complicit in the corruptions and scandals of health care but they always have some beurocratic means of avoiding accountability. Sins of omission is what hell is paved with to my mind. That’s why I’ve so enjoyed reading the Nuremberg Trials and Arendt’s accounts of the Banality of Evil. Beurocrats. It’s not Hitler that was the problem but rather those who did nothing. The same occurs today with Justin Trudeau and his Islamaphobia attack on freedom of speech, his attack on business and general financial destruction of the economy turning a once great country into a communist shell which like all communist countries will sell off it’s assets and tax the populace until someone puts a stop to the high living elites. My friends call me a ‘wage nigger’. Those are the bars I see. So far they're just internalized but I wonder when they're manifest on the outside. I doubt someone else can make coffee as good as the coffee I make myself.
I just want to serve God and do medicine. But there’s such a political micro management and control over every aspect of health care I really feel like that Submarine Captain in the Tom Clancy novel where there was an ignorant political leader standing at the shoulder of the captain questioning his every decision. Every decision had to first and foremost serve the administration, the party. The administration always says they’re there for the people, just like Justin Trudeau who claims his flamboyant lifestyle and wastrel waste of mone.y is for the sake of the citizen. There degree is CYA, cover your ass and DLW, do least work. Divide and conquer and scapegoat.
I worry though I’m just disgruntled. I don't like winter here. The darkness and rain. I miss the bright pristine prairies. I’ve lost my brother, my best friend and another friend, and am seeing everyone my age dying around me. My dog’s having his eyes out was a hit. Then another false accusation of subjective emotional lying scheming attack. Before that a year of death threats against my dog and my own life and the ‘authorities’ , the ‘government administration’ , the’police’ doing nothing yet if someone says a doctor ‘upset’ them the whole weight of the authorities comes down on them at the tune of thousands of dollars of punishment for stepping out of line.
They call it the Civil Sevrive. People forget that this is a Military Organization. Like Military service, the Civil Service first serves the Crown. Justin Trudeau isn’t working for Canadians. He actually says Canada is not a nation. He’s a ‘transnational’ and he works for Brussels and Beijing and Mecca but not for me and not for other western Canadians.
Our provincial government and the police and ‘Civil Service” serve a horribly corrupt system where our principle agricultural product here has been Marijuana with low estimates of 8 to 10 billion dollars a year in crops. Couple with that is a 50 billion Heroin and other drugs coming through our city. Annually .001% deterrent ‘catch’ is made by the millions of dollars of police resources who are completely restricted by the senior beurocracy and courts. Yet in other countries where they really do fight crime we always find that there are senior judges and senior administrative staff involved in the multi billion dollar crime rackets. So our local BC Goverrnment, now NDP, would have us believe that the Civil Service and our Courts and themselves are totally untouched by this billions of dollars of money flowing like a raging stream through our city making working folk unable to find housing because of all the criminal investment in real estate here. They caught one police man selling drug from his car.
In the US drug trafficking was finally addressed when all the assets of the dealers were taken yet here in Canada a Surrey marijuana grower is in court arguing that just because his one house was a grow operation all his other houses should be protected from the court.
I see that the laws and attack on legal gun owners and hunters are unbearable, an outrageous persecution and tax grab after the Liberal 2 billion dollar make work gun registry program from Liberal ex security forces and hangers on, totally unnaccountable money in typical corrupt Liberal fashion. Yet when you actually look at the consequences for criminals with guns and the ready availability of pardons and all the ‘treats’ for criminals and legal protections for gun wielding terrorists, it’s thoroughly disheartening.
I’m soul dead thinking that Justin Trudeau gave $10 million dollars of my hard earned , so very hard earned, so very very hard earned, at such high cost and risk, money, to a terrorist who made bombs that killed Canadian soldiers and himself killed an American soldier. And I’m fined for jay walking and expected daily to be perfect. Really all of us as doctors are told we must be perfect all the time or we’ll lose our licenses. We’re constantly fighting the government these days. Studies consistently show that the greatest stress and disappointment for doctors is the constant attack , constantly being stabbed in the back, by the government, this CIVIL SERVICE, military authoritarian construct, with all manner of power and not at all democratic or even thinking for the benefit of all, but wholly self serving and self interested in the administrative goals, which are evidenced in Justin Trudeau consummate political ‘scab voter’ immigration programs, with all the shallow false emotional lies.
It’s the lies. I hate paying taxes now to see the money go to terrorists or to pay drug dealers and their friends in high places.
The Former Mayor and Chief of Police are positioning to make a fortune off legalization of marijuana. The real Liberal Progressive businessman must already be lobbying to legalize pedophilia so that Vancouver could be the first city to have a child prostitution centre. Perhaps they could combine liquor sales, pot sales, free heroin, and gambling to get more criminals to buy real estate here and get the free health care that comes with not having or paying doctors. . One stop vice shopping brought to you for your vote by the Liberals and other left wing aetheists who will do anything for their god, Mammon.
I wonder though if I’m just tired and depressed. I can’t seem to shake the faces of young patients I’ve known who have died in this Fentanyl epidemic. I should be thankful really. It’s been at least a couple of weeks since the last death.
I worry I might just be sour and because I’m sour I see the city with no housing for the workers, the criminal upper classes, the government corruption and the drug addicted Trudeau family and this news NDP government no better despite the promises and lies ; all this I see may simply reflect my unwillingness to look on the good.
I’ve lacked gratitude. They all may just be doing their job. Like the guy who brought the gas to Nuremberg. “I just needed a job for my family so this job hauling gas to Auschwitz is a good job”. “I don’t think about what they’re using the gas for.”
No wonder government jobs are always the highest paid. The amount of guilt and shame that go with them especially in health care where they can’t even get or keep doctors and the doctors who they have are afraid to see patients especially women who are untouchable, the new sharia medicine rules in place, so that it’s just too cumbersome to examine women for fear touching them, might lead to a complaint and any complaint costs a doctor personally $5 to $10, 000 dollars and much more if he’s a critic of the system and not one of the chosen insiders sharing complicity with the flavour of the month royal court ‘politically correct beurocratic dictatorship and enslavement.
See I lean to the negative. Life is roses on one side and shit on the other and the shit is the manure for the roses. God is Good. God is good all the time. This too will pass.
Thank you Jesus for the rain that stopped the fires and washes away the dirt in the streets. Thanks for the chill of fall that kills the fleas in the grass. Thanks for Gilbert getting better another day and George our rescue cat having a home. Thank you for my health and ability to serve and be of use to my fellows not only working but as part of a team pulling my weight.
Help me to focus on men like Dr. McEwan and Dr. Ganesan and Dr. Stowe and Dr. Howard and Dr. Hurwitz and see that the finest of clinicians work well despite this system. Even Dr. Lou the great addiction psychiatrist tolerates the administration somehow. So why does it bother me so much.
It’s not the outside issue as much as my perception. I’m fearful of the sharia communist destruction of Canada by Trudeau and the Globalist Agenda 21 destruction of democracy and celebration of Civil Service Dictatatorship. The UN Agenda 21 actually called for Canadian Civil Service to be traitors to parliament and mutiny. Yet so far it’s only in the US that they’ve outlawed Agenda 21 state after state. In Canada the Beurocacrats and Courts in general, in general all appointed left over colonial constructs, have become an elite, no longer responsive to the elected parliament.
Trudeau gives millions to foreign Muslim countries with no mandate as such for this. Then he ignores the Christians who are persecuted around the world to bring jhadists Muslims unvetted into the country to introduce the terrorism which is devastating my loved London.
Thank you God for your blessings. May I see the glass half full. There are so many blessings. Let me watch the rise of men like Andrews Scheer and women like Kelly Leitch and know that this is hope of spring. It’s always before winter that I cringe and worry. Maybe this year won’t be so bad. Maybe there won’t be so many suicides in Jan and February and I won’t be without any mental health resources to offer people, crying in despair in the middle of the great darkness. All I can do is watch because it’s against the law for even doctors to touch patients today as it may be miscronstrued. Sharia medicine reigns supreme in Canada. The government has made all doctors the enemy. It’s the old divide and conquer. Sharia communisms comes like a Mile, "wrecking ball'. Sexy.
Of course the fallacy of the courts and the judges who should be educated as such is the ‘ends against the middle’ . The Trudeau court influence continues to shape Canada against the will of the majority of Canadians despite the fact that Justin Trudeau as never before is totally on the wrong side of history.
Drop these obsessions. You slept, I say to myself. Do the drill. Get out of your head. Stop with the self pity. Focus on the positive. See things will get better. This too will pass. All shall be well. All shall be well. Just 2 more days to the weekend.
Thank you Jesus for the hope your story brings. It’s says that in the end we win. I am so very thankful for all your blessings and really all the great men and women I’ve been blessed to know and have as teachers. Thank you. I pray too for friends in Nepal. I pray for my family and friends and patients.
Thank you God. Help me to have clarity of vision and see that you are the potter. I am just the clay. I must just do the drill. Get to work. Go through the gauntlet of the worst administrated highway in history and accept that with 50 000 other commuters that the Civil Service, because its got its own agenda can’t get the traffick to flow despite all the evidence in the world that good administrations can make the trains run on time, Ehen I lived in the US I saw better management of freeways with a hundred times the traffic.
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