Princeton, BC, Municipal Campgrounds, the work nightmares,

Gilbert let us sleep in till 5 am. He was coughing and his breathing was stressed.  I took him outside and  walked him. I was only wearing  a hoodie over my black underwear.  Laura has told me they look like bicycling shorts. Gilbert peed a river. The diuretics are working. He loved standing at the river edge below us drinking the mountain creek water.  He was then ready to mark his territory some more.  I was ready to go back to bed.

I let him up on the bed to join us.  Laura spoils him with tickles and massages. I fell back to sleep. 

In a bad dream, I was trying to get a judge to get funding for a guy to have an assistant and for them to set up a group for others to participate in a large community program.  The judge agreed to the money and then I turned to the counsellor and he was delighted with the high pay but hadn’t a clue what was expected now. He had no idea what oversight was   was needed. Like so many he thought it was all about him getting a job and him getting paid and anything like accountability and outcome not being important.  The fellow who I’d got the services for wasn’t even able to say thank you. I asked him in an aside, did you smoke up before this meeting, and he said,”lots and lots’.  He was totally gorked.  Such was addiction. The judge was suspicious, pausing for a moment to study me,  but finally signed the order. We had the funding. Substantial amounts. 

I had no time. The counsellor had promised they knew what to do and had complained that all they needed was money. But it was readily apparent that they didn’t know anything about what the judge expected.  I was fully booked in my own schedule for months ahead. Now I’d helped these guys and dozens more to have funding for recovery programs but  now it was apparent they just thought they were getting money and despite their education and training  hadn’t a clue what was expected. I’d attached my good name to their madness.  I had no time and yet I was going to have to make more time to babysit this program and ensure the judge had the paperwork he required.  I awoke from this nightmare.  

It really was funny when I awoke.  I smiled. It represented my constant battle of 30 years to get funding from authorities for the mentally ill and addicted and then the fight with the mentally ill addicted and their caregivers to get them to do something more with the money than buy natchos and sit around and talk.  The whole idea of accountability was a foreign idea and these people with supposed training had had so little scientific or economic training. It amused me as here on vacation I was having a nightmare of the constant insanity of  my life caught in the middle.  I really do think it’s a metaphor,

 All my work life I was challenged by ‘outcome’ measures. I knew in recovery the good standard for programs was the Navy Pilot Program.  Alcoholic pilots, flying multi million dollar planes, having cost millions to train.  One month of a recovery treatment centre, once a week drug and alcohol counselling, three meetings a week of AA and seeing an addiction psychiatrist once a month.  At 5 years 80% of pilots clean and sober flying planes.

I loved morbidity and mortality stats and working for positive results

At the same time it was always like moving through molasses with so many others making more money to ensure illness and addiction. I just remembered when the Canadian liquor store staff without education, were paid more and more compared to the drug and alcohol counsellor with 3-4 years university education.  Here was the government, our employer saying one thing, doing all manner of preening and lip service but their actions spoke so much louder than their words on the inside.  I made more money doing abortion than doing obstetrics with less hassle and risk.  The same with my colleague who does Euthansia today in the MAiD program.  She makes way more money, has less expectations and is considered sexy and happy compared to me plodding away in the misery and poverty of the human quagmire actually trying to heal and rescue people. 

All the while the College, the government police agency,  was giving the pass to the people who did nothing while I was constantly attacked using a standard of ‘political correctness’ which rewarded doing nothing and punished any activity. My colleague laughed and saw the same people without any improvement in their circumstance for 40 years.  I set various standards like getting patients to get jobs, housing, reduce or stop suicide attempts, all these measures of success, achieve abstinence, live longer than their cohort. .  Meanwhile we had a variety of much higher paid Harm reduction programs that maintained the status quo.

My favourite day was when the head of the multi millionaire program in Vancouver told me “Dr. Hay I know of your great work and how successful you’ve been helping people but we’re not on the same page. You seem to want to get people better while we don’t want to “interfere with the culture of addiction” but see our job as getting them money and other resources.”  

And here I am on vacation shedding the tension of this life of doing good against the forces that ‘aren’t on the same page’.  I imagine the peace makers really piss off the arms dealers. That’s been my experience in life and dealing with the government arrogance where they see themselves as holier than thou but have made a pact with the devil to have a soft life and acquire the most resources. I took comfort at times in reading Bonhoffer’s struggles with the Christian authorities in Nazi Germany and Arendt’s study of the Nuremberg trials looking at the Nazi bureaucrats, insisting they were just doing as they were told, and not responsible.   Arendt  coined the term ‘banality of evil.’ 

Joseph Campbell described my journey of the young fool as the ‘hero’s journey’.  Now I’m at the end of that and look back and see that like any good soldier I served. I was in the wars. I fought well. I had idiots for commanders at time, other times great leaders,  and the government was corrupt mostly but other times far better than expected. In my little sphere I did my best. I served.  I frankly don’t know what I could do better.  I stopped killers. I identified pedophies. I refused hundreds of thousands in bribes. By the measures of morbidity and mortality I outdid expectations. I prevailed. I had outstanding successes. I lived through having threats and guns pointed at me and stayed true. I am sorry my dog was killed. I suspect my care of Gilbert today is somewhat influenced by the guilt I feel for taking Stuart into danger and letting him be poisoned by drug dealers. I know my marriages were hurt by my inflexibility, my refusal to go with the flow, to take it easy, to focus on the money and a good job and not ‘fight city hall’.  

My colleague laughed and said “I stopped reading medical journals 20 years ago and took up studying real estate. You keep reading science and medicine and what’s it got you. I’m a millionaire. You’re a poor clinician and you still have fools telling you what to do. It’s the system.  You can’t do any more when the government is corrupt to the very top. The Prime Minister is paid by the money they take from drugs and alcohol and gambling.  It’s just a party for him and the others. “

My teacher said ,”when you feel you’re doing more work than the patient, you’re no longer doing therapy, you’re giving them your tit.”  He was the one who taught me the fisherman story and reminded me that the best caregivers burnt out because they thought it was a race when it was really a marathon.  I had such good teachers and parents and now after 40 years of work I’m finally registering their genius.  

I’m here in a camper on the side of a stream with no threat and I’m having nightmares about work.  In the midst of the trauma there’s no time to pay attention to the wounds, we’re all just trying to survive and get through the wars , the bureaucrats and patients create. In the frontlines where I lived we were constantly in the war zone while the critics and the activists, the College, politicians and the celebrities and television preachers were always with the ultimate leadership, far from the front, living in the palaces and dachuas.  

Now that I’ve begun winding down I’m on vacation and my unconscious is churning up these dreams that truly make me laugh. Despite the best training and best intentions I got caught in the same old traps. So here I am still dealing with hubris.  Pride and self pity.  I like the idea we’re all on the journey climbing the mountain in our various ways and the idea is not to compare and not to envy or judge but just keep on trekking. I was so easily distracted. How many times did I turn aside to help a maiden in distress only to see myself conned. How many times did I leave the beaten path to help a fallen comrade only to be shot while doing the rescue.  How often were my own mistakes the cause of my own distress and yet I always looked to blame something else, or someone else.  How often I did it ‘my way’ rather than the way my elders recommended. I listened to my teachers in the workplace but not my parents in my personal life.  I am blessed to have had ministers, teachers, elders and friends who set good examples. I miss having had the ‘children police’ that truly guided and dictated most of my friends good behaviour. My dogs have exercised me and reminded me of meal time and contemplation time. I’ve learned love from and through them.  Gilbert, blind, with arthritic back, valvular heart failure and congestive heart disease is making the best of the good moments.  I’m so admiring of friends who have cared for sick relatives and parents like my Mom cared for her mother in our home till she died.  My brother cared for my father.  Dad cared for mother.  It’s in living and caring that we heal ourselves too. I weary of the shallowness of mainstream media and seek the wisdom and depth of ages. 

I’m healing here. The forest is a healing place.

I woke this morning. Another day I was ready to go bear hunting. Today is the last day of the season. Instead I slept in. The problem is that if I shoot a bear we have to pack up and take it to a butcher on the way home.  I’m liking it here. I’m enjoying the down time and even though I’ve worked quite a few hours it’s been unscheduled and responsive to immediate needs.  No strangers either. No facing the unknown insanity.  Just taking care of business and lots of reading westerns.  The great allegories.  I want to get on my motorcycle and head into the backwoods but if there’s a bear I’ll just have to shoot it so by sleeping in I’ve missed that.  In the fall I’ll shoot a deer. I love venison. I’ve never enjoyed bear meat that much and it’s all so much work since I’ve grown older. The last elk I shot almost killed me though I loved the exquisite meat I had for nearly two years.  I’ve a rabbit in the freezer from last year still.  

I’d hoped to catch some fish but I’ve been rather lackadaisical. I’ve a freezer with steaks and smokies. Last night we had barbecued smokies and I made baked potatoes after getting the gas oven working for the first time.  It’s supposed to rain. Laura is easy on the eyes and easy on the mind and soul. She’s happy. Gilbert’s happy.  I’ll probably ride into town and buy a work watch. I broke the strap on my Swatch and even that’s been a metaphor.  I need something more rugged for these excursions since I passed on my Garmin gps watch to a wilderness loving friend who had patience for setting it up each time it was needed. I’d enjoyed it the first time but didn’t use it enough to keep up with the computer updates. I love my Apple Watch but it’s not meant for the back woods.  

It’s another day in paradise and I’m really happy, feeling each day I relax a little more.

Eunuchs, Bureaucrats ,Strongman, Conformity and Transsexualism

In society the “strong man” surrounds himself with loyal followers and a harem of available mates and potential ‘breeders’.  The castrated male , or eunuch, was the chief bureaucrat or apparatchik for the strong man. Thecastrated man was not a threat to the strong man or his harem. The very act of participation in the castration ritual was as binding as the partial tribal circumcision rituals. Psychologically there is an inherent “Stockholm Syndrome” with the “identification with the aggressor”.

The androgyny of Jesus and the self castration of the priests of the church was a public statement of ‘conformity’.  Indeed ‘conformity’ is the central tenet of the eunuch creed. It is witnessed today in the modern eunuch equivalence of the transsexual male who voluntarily self castrates then spends the rest of his/her life wanting to ‘pass’ as the female. The argument for Identfication with the aggressor can be made clearly in some if not all.

Psychological mindedness is the tolerance of the tension of opposites.

The aboriginal ‘twin spirit’ was the ‘priest’ of the tribe.  The ‘other’ was normally not accepted for its strangeness in the Traditional Society where survival depended on accepting only sameness. Racism then was a natural survival mechanism as were many phobias and taboos.

The petty bureaucrat/apparatchik is the twisted eunuch with a creepy sexual proclivity. In Armstrong’s , Fields of Blood the uncorrupted  bureaucrat is a perhaps unattainable Platonic shadow given the tendency for bureaucracy to grow like cancers and individually to resist accountability and behave inhumanly in the security engendered by either the mob or lemming sense.

I didn’t have my dog Gilbert castrated because I hoped to breed him.  However as the majority of male dogs in the city are castrated to reduce the competition and tensions which arise in proximity to females in heat and the city females dogs are also castrated to reduce the number of puppies, my dog is not allowed in dog day care.  Contrary to what one would believe that the dogs with excess ‘testosterone’ are the ‘fighter’ it turns out that the castrated dogs attack the uncastrated dogs.  The low testosterone dogs “initiate” fights. The high testosterone dogs may well win because of the beneficial effects of testosterone on muscular development but it is the low testosterone dog that ‘initiates’ fights.  So my dog is excluded from daycare and I am commonly being advised that male dogs ‘should be‘ castrated.

I am encouraged to conform.  But I have always dreamed of my dog and a female dog with puppies in the country somewhere. As a pedigreed pure bread his intrinsic value is thousands of dollars more ‘uncastrated’ but the owners mostly of “mutts” would have me castrate him.  Indeed if a dog becomes violent to humans, whether he initiates it or not, he will be castrated or killed.

Considerable evidence supports the view that females initiate violence or encourage violence between suitors and while overly complaining about violence are sexually aroused by the violence. Dr Carl Jung pointed to the persona or public conscious “face” and the shadow or unconscious or covert other self. The central feature of psychological assessment which in absent in the outdated rational court process is the idea of congruence between word and behaviour. Seductive sexual behaviour is commonly seen in court rooms coupled with inauthentic horror. Even Shakespeare observed “the lady protesters too much”
 However as Christine Summers notes in Who Stole Feminism, How Women Betray Women, the “victim” can serves an ulterior purpose. Hitler invaded countries on the pretence of rescuing German victims. North American had been described as the center of “caregiver”and “victim” industry with the devolution today of everyone offended and everyone a victim.

Arendt described the ‘banality of evil’ when she studied the ‘bureaurocracy’ of the totalitarian system.  The totalitarian system she studied was the Nazi beurocracy. The Nuremberg Trials only occurred yesterday but already the Nizcor Projects concerns are being realized. Without the bureaucracy Auschwitz could not have existed. As “None is too Many” by Arabella And Troper showed clearly the Anti semitism in Canada yesterday it arises again today under another Liberal government.

Erving Goffman studied the ‘totalitarian’ regime of the asylum in his classic “Asylums: Essays on the Social Situation of Mental Patients and other Inmates”. Totalitarianism is the natural consequence of increasing authoritarianism. As the insane become more out control themselves they demand increasing control of those around them in a devolving system of natural self destruction.

Dr. Jordan Peterson, in his 12 Rules of Life describes the fluctuations between the fundamentals of chaos and order.  He describes order as symbolically male and chaos as symbolically female, yin and yang, or yoni and lingam, etc.

The interspace between these two , the grey in the black and white, is the ‘intersex’, an actual biological construct which exists and is considered well in Alice Dreger’s classic, Hermaphrodites and the Medical Invention of Sex.  Those who would argue that heterosexuality, homosexuality or intersexuality or indeed changing sexuality is ‘unnatural’ are proved wrong over and over again by biology which is the lodestone of the natural.  Indeed “civilization’ is perhaps the most ‘unnatural’ creation of the human species.

Morality is distinct from biology though Darwinian Imperialism would dictate that ‘survival of the fittest’ is the morality of all including the gene. The power of the ‘strong man’ and the ‘adherents of the strong man’  aim to maintain a mutually beneficial ‘order’ and resist change ,most often by offering the same, disguised as change,  with the ultimate effect that “the emperor has no clothes’. Social Darwinism is the bureaucratic bible.

The survival of the bureaucrat/apparatchik  or eunuch is dependent on the success and maintenance of the status quo.  Order begets power to those dependent on the throne.  “Steal a little and they put you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king , to quote Dr Johnson paraphrased by Bob Dylan.

Today’s strong man is in flux and a source of uncertainty but likely is the banker as they are most portrayed as ‘order’. Only the richest elite can afford obscurity. The Mao Jacket Sculpture of Sui Jianguo epitomizes the overt austerity of a man whose wife and he enjoyed personal wealthy and debauchery the likes not seen since the sultans while the masses were murdered and impoverished.
Veblen by contrast mocked the outward appearance of the American businessmen in their suits of Puritan simplicity while their treasure horse wives staggered about under the weight of gold and jewels and minks expressing the “conspicuous consumption” of the rising consumer cult.
They are the Straw men of  T.S. Elliott.  Money as a ‘construct’ is most controllable with the immediate value independent of it’s inflation peculiarities of confidence. It is one thing to forego the  “gold” standard which the new Chinese currency wishes to restore as compared to Canada’s Decadent PM Trudeau who would have no standard and declare the “budget will balance itself”.  Marx, the world’s greatest Kafetch, biting the hand that fed, proclaimed, “money is the God of the jews” and “religion the opiate of the masses”.

 The strong man once was the warrior but war today is commonly fought in board rooms and lawyers and corporate leaders are the new knights of the realm.  If they succeed they in turn share the spoils of females and gold. War is the failure of diplomacy but equally its own business. The principal role of the UN is to maintain the order brought on post WW2. The “security council” of US, Russia, Britain, China, France are the principal arms dealers of the world and compete routinely in “dry” or “wet” wars to compare advances in technology and a more intimate Olympic competition for humans.

Hitler was the ‘strong man’ whose existence depended upon his Goebbels and Himmler, the most powerful of his inner circle being the sole female, Eva Braun.  Lenin’s circle was Stalin, Trotsky, Molotov and Krupskaya and Armand the wife and mistress of Lenin.  Even Jesus had his Mary Magdalene, portrayed ironically as  celibate though it was known that Jesus surrounded himself with ‘fallen women ‘as well as the most upstanding women like Mary and Martha.

To gain real loyalty the strong man in the Hell’s Angels ,kills. Stalin and Lenin and Molotov were the killers , and being willing to kill and steal, these ‘bolsheviks’ overthrew the moderates’ mensheviks’.

So the Hell’s Angel Strongman kills himself without witness then witnesses the killing by his second in command and so forth. Today the binding in the elite may well be with pedophilia of as the author Patterson suggested cannibalism. Reality by comparison is often stranger than fiction. hiaasen the great southern novelist perhaps outdated said “the only thing a southern congressman can’t do is be caught in bed with a dead woman or alive boy.” That’s the elite where there is a “free press” but in Muslim countries such as Saudi Arabia or Buddhist countries such as Thailand where any criticism of the elite leadership is prison or death all bets are off.

In the Abrams history, Pink Swastika, Homosexuality in the Nazi Party, homosexuality was rife in SS. The gay men gassed in Auschwitz werehowever the “queers” and  the most ‘effiminate’ , the ‘bottoms’ as opposed to the ‘tops’ .  The passive is considered ‘effiminate’ so that in the lesbian culture the ‘butch is ‘dominant’ aggressive and most likely ‘top’. In domestic violence. Studies  lesbians were the most violent followed by gay male couples followed by heterosexuals.  There is no comparable data on the intersex as yet. Domestic violence against children is mostly done by females which follows the standard abuse of power where power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.  While the negatives of single parenthood are flaunted the lust for tyranny is rarely addressed.

The ‘strong man’ is commonly coupled with the ‘priest’ or ‘medicine woman’, both being ‘aserxual’ or at very least not a threat to the power of the strong man.  Historically the survival of church and medicine , scientists, physicians etc depended solely on their abject agreement with the ‘strong man’.  If they ‘disagree’ they die. History records the carnage of the threats to the strong man. Stalin’s wife suicided. The great play  of T.S. Elliott, Murder in the Cathedral starring Thomas Beckett is perhaps the best example and indeed, object lesson.  Bonhoffer’s tale of morally standing against the Nazi and Lutheran church is just a more recent example.

Herod of the Great of Biblical times got the gold and became the prototypical strong man mall developer and the harem of wives who produces the incestuous daughters including Salome who made John the Baptist’s head her jewelry box, Thank heavens for the the Salome opera. Despite Herod’s evil which might well have been explained away in Job, this strong man tyrant of Roman Empire appears outwarded to have got more John the Baptist or Jesus or the massacred innocents. Christians might not get the virgins of the Muslim conformist followers of the the strong man of Islam but at very least Anglicans talk much about the mansions they are promised in the afterlife.

The eunuch is the symbol of ultimate conformity. Whether Origen self castrated or not, the strong man wanted the priest celibate and the bureaucrat castrate by conformity so as to not be a threat to himself or his harem.

Loyalty to the leader is all that is necessary , hence the strong man quote goes, goes “I don’t need your loyalty when I’m right. I need your loyalty when I’m wrong.”

The petty bureaucrat  makes ‘conformity’ not ‘truth’ or any other ‘virtues’ , but “conformity” his Perverted Virtue.  Living in fear of the ‘strong man’ he or she self castrates or actually castrates.

In the modern world this would suggest that the ‘outed’ trans sexual would make the best prime minister or leader of the government bureaucracy. The argument here being that the modern day politician is no longer the leader themselves but a kind of ‘mascot’ for the power behind the throne. Recently Canada’s prime minister returned from India having given Indian business men hundreds of millions so he could use their country as a back drop to his photo op, only to be followed by the French Prime Minister who returned from India with nearly 20 billion in bullion from his trade visit.
The leaders of the UN, the Security council of China, US, England, France, and Russia are the only ‘strong men’ in the mix, perhaps the other ‘politcians’ which are not ‘mascots’ but weld real power themselves.  In the US the politician leader is the supreme commander in chief and in the past the George Washington presidential typeswere formally military leaders. The epoch of lawyers in America ended with the Clinton, Bush, Obama lawyer schemes floundering with lawyer Hillary’s failed bid. Now a businessman is in charge reflecting a shift in the leadership and of the beurocracy.
It is always to be remembered as Robert Graves so clearly showed in Golden Bough that the role of all leaders to the greater group is as potential sacrifice if things don’t go right.

The Eunuch remains male or female as the Confuscian goal. Without children they are less likely to be controlled by the traditional threat to the competitionof that the killing of killing of the children imposes. Lenin killed the children of the Czar to show what he would do to his followers, more than for any other reasons.  The ruthlessness of the ruler is the morality of the ‘strong man’ in comparison to the’conformity’ ‘truth’ of the eunuch beurocrat. A woman might better be manipulated through threat to her children,

The ‘outlier’ is like David to the paranoid and later certifiably insane King Saul. The more  insecure the strong man the more they cannot  tolerate ‘difference’ as the traditional socitety tale of anthropologist Diamond of Guns Germs and Steel  tells. Difference  is cause to kill.  The thug is threatened by the creative.  Creativity is the most feminine bottom passivechaotic position  as compared to the agitated desperate order.business of the rutting monkey order.

The ‘reformer’ is the enemy of anyone who benefits from the status quo. Bureurocrats live lives of quiet desperation. As Victor Frankl learned from his up close view of the bureaurocracy of Auschwitz his life was meaningful in comparison to the meaningless of the butchers of the camps.
If Joseph Conrad were alive today he would indeed shout again, “the,horror, horror” all the while the chief paediatric surgeon of Milan Kundera’s the “Unbearable Lightness of Being” made the best of window washing.

Darkness, Sharia Health Care System, and Politics

I woke up to the darkness and prayed.  It was early morning.  I prayed some more.  Morning prayers stop the deluge of demands waiting at the door to terrify me.  I’ve a routine.  I get up. I put on the coffee. I learned from that patient.  Asking him to describe his day, he said.
“I look at the window and if there are no bars, I make my own coffee.”
The bars I live with are all internalized.  I’m old and I’ve been obeying all the laws and doing as I was told and feeling like it’s never enough.  The Prime Minister insults me personally. A wasted pumped up amateur wannabe embarrassment he still criticizes me and calls others like me wealthy and entitled. There is talk these days of ‘priviledge’ yet all I hear are critics and when the real heavy lifting is called for all these snow flakes vanish.
I’m tired too. It’s been a long hard week, going to work and dealing with Gilbert’s surgery. I’m thankful he’s recovered. His nights of whimpering and my sleepless nights took their toll.
But the old soldier told me of his nightmare at D Day.  “We’d been trained.  There was nothing to prepare us for the beaches.  Friends beside you having their heads blown right off.  Noise. Bombs. Blinding flashes.  Bullets.  Running forward over dead bodies.  Diving into the blood and sand. The only thing that saved me was the drill. We’d been taught over and over again.  Load, aim, fire,  advance, load, aim fire,  what the sergeant had said.  They’d survived and they told us what to do from experience.  We practiced over and over.  It was all that got me through that day. Doing the drill.”
So when I wake up I have my own kind of drill.  I make coffee. I feed the animals.  George was actually out playing with Gilbert, bumped him with his head.  They’re cute that way. Gilbert took it in a good natured way, wagging his tail. He’s still wearing his cone after surgery. He enjoyed the Little Cesar I gave him and even went onto eat some dried food.
I got out an egg I’d boiled yesterday, a banana and a couple of pieces of Babybel Cheese. As soon as I began to remove the cellophane wrapper Gilbert’s head shot up.  Despite blindness he found his way immediately to my side. It’s his favourite cheese.  That’s why I got it. We have shared some each day after his surgery.  He ate venison and steak and liver pate as well. I worried so much about him this time.  He was slow to recover, compared to the removal of his first eye.  Slow to start drinking water and peeing and a day late pooping. He’s back on track. At the office he gets up to greet his friends, the dog lovers or Gilbert lovers, in my practice. He is wagging his tail and sitting to be petted. I’m relaxing.
Now I’ll get in the shower and dress. More of the morning ‘getting to work drill’.  I’ve a ritual. Everything is orderly so I don’t have to reinvent the wheel each day searching for things like keys and wallets. I’m having to look for pants. I put a couple of pairs of jeans in the laundry and have been wearing black dress pants which look a lot like the black sweats.  It’s the only snag in the flow of dressing this week.
I sometimes go over the drill in my mind trying not to forget something. Earlier this week, it was a pen. I left without a pen and that obsessive compulsive part of me was mildly annoyed all day using a plastic throwaway I got from the clinic.
Other doctors have been away and sick so I’ve been holding the fort alone. It gives me comfort to be of assistance knowing I’m contributing.I serve my patients and working now in these other clinics am glad to help and pull my weight as it’s reciprocal. When I’m not there someone covers for me.  There are no extra doctors. If a doctor is absent the others have to carry his load. My emergency room doctor friend has been alone in a department where there were supposed to be 5 doctors.
Canada may have the most corrupt and incompetent government management of health care in western civilization.  Whenever there has been a problem the solution of the Communist mentality administration is more administration. The result is that we have the most administration in the western world and least doctors,  highest costs and least doctors.  I’ve worked in the private and public sector and the private sector is better less grossly incompetent. There’s countless committee meetings in the public sectors and everyone avoids seeing patients.  It’s become increasingly worse over the years.
Then I read in an article that Dr. Bill McEwan is now head of St. Paul’s Psychiatry.  I don’t know how long that’s been but I worked with Bill years ago and he was one of those really bright lights and incredibly fine clinicians.  Seeing him in this position gives such hope. It’s like having Dr. Hurwitz as head of Neuropsychiatry at UBC. The man’s a regular genius yet I don’t know how they manage in the beurocracy. It’s not so bad as it was when I was there and the head was whipping naked women in his office and the drugs and alcohol were flowing freely.  I loved that Dr. Soma Ganesin, the brilliant cultural psychiatrist got a chair of cross cultural psychiatry. Dr. Howard is another of my favourites.  Of course Dr. Bob Stowe, the behavioural neurologist working in psychiatry is my personal pick for the highest award for research and clinical medicine.  Truly extraordinary clinician but also an amazingly clear thinking academic and researcher.  I keep hearing of people I admired most retiring, Dr. Solomon, Dr. Marriage.  That's a downside of aging.
I’m too quick to disparage institutions.  These people who are truly amazing clinicians and great souls work there.  I’m far too jaded by my contact with the drunken drug abusing psychiatrists who were fucking students and patients and being protected by the College of Physicians and Surgeons. The college is always complicit in the corruptions and scandals of health care but they always have some beurocratic means of avoiding accountability.  Sins of omission is what hell is paved with to my mind. That’s why I’ve so enjoyed reading the Nuremberg Trials and Arendt’s accounts of the Banality of Evil.  Beurocrats. It’s not Hitler that was the problem but rather those who did nothing. The same occurs today with Justin Trudeau and his Islamaphobia attack on freedom of speech, his attack on business and general financial destruction of the economy turning a once great country into a communist shell which like all communist countries will sell off it’s assets and tax the populace until someone puts a stop to the high living elites.  My friends call me a ‘wage nigger’.  Those are the bars I see. So far they're just internalized but I wonder when they're manifest on the outside.  I doubt someone else can make coffee as good as the coffee  I make myself.
I just want to serve God and do medicine.  But there’s such a political micro management and control over every aspect of health care I really feel like that Submarine Captain in the Tom Clancy novel where there was an ignorant political leader standing at the shoulder of the captain questioning his every decision. Every decision had to  first and foremost serve the administration, the party. The administration always says they’re there for the people, just like Justin Trudeau who claims his flamboyant lifestyle and wastrel waste of mone.y is for the sake of the citizen.  There degree is CYA, cover your ass and DLW, do least work.  Divide and conquer and scapegoat.
I worry though I’m  just disgruntled.  I don't like winter here. The darkness and rain.  I miss the bright pristine prairies.  I’ve lost my brother, my best friend and another friend, and am seeing everyone my age dying around me.  My dog’s having his eyes out was a hit. Then another false accusation of subjective emotional lying scheming attack.  Before that a year of death threats against my dog and my own life and the ‘authorities’ , the ‘government administration’ , the’police’ doing nothing yet if someone says a doctor ‘upset’ them the whole weight of the authorities comes down on them at the tune of thousands of dollars of punishment for stepping out of line.
They call it the Civil Sevrive. People forget that this is a Military Organization.  Like Military service,  the Civil Service first serves the Crown.  Justin Trudeau isn’t working for Canadians. He actually says Canada is not a nation. He’s a ‘transnational’ and he works for Brussels and Beijing and Mecca but not for me and not for other western Canadians.
Our provincial government and the police and ‘Civil Service” serve a horribly corrupt system where our principle agricultural product here has been Marijuana with low estimates of 8 to 10 billion dollars a year in crops. Couple with that is a 50 billion Heroin and other drugs coming through our city.  Annually .001% deterrent ‘catch’ is made by the millions of dollars of police resources who are completely restricted by the senior beurocracy and courts. Yet in other countries where they really do fight crime we always find that there are senior judges and senior administrative staff involved in the multi billion dollar crime rackets.  So our local BC Goverrnment, now NDP, would have us believe that the Civil Service and our Courts and themselves are totally untouched by this billions of dollars of money flowing like a raging stream through our city making working folk unable to find housing because of all the criminal investment in real estate here. They caught one police man selling drug from his car.
In the US drug trafficking was finally addressed when all the assets of the dealers were taken yet here in Canada a Surrey marijuana grower is in court arguing that just because his one house was a grow operation all his other houses should be protected from the court.
I see that the laws and attack on legal gun owners and hunters are unbearable, an outrageous persecution and tax grab after the Liberal 2 billion dollar make work gun registry program from Liberal ex security forces and hangers on, totally unnaccountable money in typical corrupt Liberal fashion.  Yet when you actually look at the consequences for criminals with guns and the ready availability of pardons and all the ‘treats’ for criminals and legal protections for gun wielding terrorists, it’s thoroughly disheartening.
I’m soul dead thinking that Justin Trudeau gave $10 million dollars of my hard earned , so very hard earned, so very very hard earned, at such high cost and risk, money, to a terrorist who made bombs that killed Canadian soldiers and himself killed an American soldier. And I’m fined for jay walking and expected daily to be perfect. Really all of us as doctors are told we must be perfect all the time or we’ll lose our licenses. We’re constantly fighting the government these days. Studies consistently show that the greatest stress and disappointment for doctors is the constant attack , constantly being stabbed in the back, by the government, this CIVIL SERVICE, military authoritarian construct, with all manner of power and not at all democratic or even thinking for the benefit of all, but wholly self serving and self interested in the administrative goals, which are evidenced in Justin Trudeau consummate political ‘scab voter’ immigration programs, with all the shallow false emotional lies.
It’s the lies.  I hate paying taxes now to see the money go to terrorists or to pay drug dealers and their friends in high places.
The Former Mayor and Chief of Police are positioning to make a fortune off legalization of marijuana. The real Liberal Progressive businessman must already be lobbying to legalize pedophilia so that Vancouver could be the first city to have a child prostitution centre. Perhaps they could combine liquor sales, pot sales, free heroin, and gambling to get more criminals to buy real estate here and get the free health care that comes with not having or paying doctors. . One stop vice shopping brought to you for your vote by the Liberals and other left wing aetheists who will do anything for their god, Mammon.
I wonder though if I’m just tired and depressed. I can’t seem to shake the faces of young patients I’ve known who have died in this Fentanyl epidemic. I should be thankful really. It’s been at least a couple of weeks since the last death.
I worry I might just be sour and because I’m sour I see the city with no housing for the workers, the criminal upper classes, the government corruption and the drug addicted Trudeau family and this news NDP government no better despite the promises and lies ; all this I see may simply reflect my unwillingness to look on the good.
I’ve lacked gratitude. They all may just be doing their job. Like the guy who brought the gas to Nuremberg. “I just needed a job for my family so this job hauling gas to Auschwitz is a good job”.  “I don’t think about what they’re using the gas for.”
No wonder government jobs are always the highest paid. The amount of guilt and shame that go with them especially in health care where they can’t even get or keep doctors and the doctors who they have are afraid to see patients especially women who are untouchable, the new sharia medicine rules in place, so that it’s just too cumbersome to examine women for fear touching them, might lead to a complaint and any complaint costs a doctor personally $5 to $10, 000 dollars and much more if he’s a critic of the system and not one of the chosen insiders sharing complicity with the flavour of the month royal court ‘politically correct beurocratic dictatorship and  enslavement.
See I lean to the negative. Life is roses on one side and shit on the other and the shit is the manure for the roses. God is Good. God is good all the time. This too will pass.
Thank you Jesus for the rain that stopped the fires and washes away the dirt in the streets. Thanks for the chill of fall that kills the fleas in the grass. Thanks for Gilbert getting better another day and George our rescue cat having a home. Thank you for my health and ability to serve and be of use to my fellows not only working but as part of a team pulling my weight.
Help me to focus on men like Dr. McEwan and Dr. Ganesan and Dr. Stowe and Dr. Howard and Dr. Hurwitz and see that the finest of clinicians work well despite this system.  Even Dr. Lou the great addiction psychiatrist  tolerates the administration somehow.   So why does it bother me so much.
It’s not the outside issue as much as my perception. I’m fearful of the sharia communist destruction of Canada by Trudeau and the Globalist Agenda 21 destruction of democracy and celebration of Civil Service Dictatatorship. The UN Agenda 21 actually called for Canadian Civil Service to be traitors to parliament and mutiny. Yet so far it’s only in the US that they’ve outlawed Agenda 21 state after state. In Canada the Beurocacrats and Courts in general, in general all appointed left over colonial constructs,  have become an elite, no longer responsive to the elected parliament.
Trudeau gives millions to foreign Muslim countries with no mandate as such for this.  Then he ignores the Christians who are persecuted around the world to bring jhadists Muslims unvetted into the country to introduce the terrorism which is devastating my loved London.
Thank you God for your blessings. May I see the glass half full. There are so many blessings. Let me watch the rise of men like Andrews Scheer and women like Kelly Leitch and know that this is hope of spring. It’s always before winter that I cringe and worry. Maybe this year won’t be so bad. Maybe there won’t be so many suicides in Jan and February and I won’t be without any mental health resources to offer people,  crying in despair in the middle of the great darkness.  All I can do is watch because it’s against the law for even doctors to touch patients today as it may be miscronstrued. Sharia medicine reigns supreme in Canada.  The government has made all doctors the enemy. It’s the old divide and conquer.  Sharia communisms comes like a Mile, "wrecking ball'.  Sexy.
Of course the fallacy of the courts and the judges who should be educated as such is the ‘ends against the middle’ .  The Trudeau court influence continues to shape Canada against the will of the majority of Canadians despite the fact that Justin Trudeau as never before is totally on the wrong side of history.
Drop these obsessions. You slept, I say to myself.  Do the drill. Get out of your head. Stop with the self pity. Focus on the positive. See things will get better. This too will pass. All shall be well. All shall be well.  Just 2 more days to the weekend.
Thank you Jesus for the hope your story brings. It’s says that in the end we win.  I am so very thankful for all your blessings and really all the great men and women I’ve been blessed to know and have as teachers. Thank you. I pray too for friends in Nepal. I pray for my family and friends and patients.
Thank you God. Help me to have clarity of vision and see that you are the potter. I am just the clay. I must just do the drill. Get to work. Go through the gauntlet of the worst administrated highway in history and accept that with 50 000 other commuters that the Civil Service, because its got its own agenda can’t get the traffick to flow despite all the evidence in the world that good administrations can make the trains run on time,  Ehen I lived in the US I saw better management of freeways with a hundred times the traffic.

But see you’re the one that’s off. CBT. Look on the bright side. Stop being so negative. Get to work and help someone else. You’re a royal pain, I said to myself angry that I let the internet fill my brain with the selective media narratives of the day. Who cares what socks Justin Trudeau is wearing.  Be thankful he can at least dress himself.   The world doesn’t need more critics or administrators. You’re a front line worker. Get in there. Do the drill.  Hit the beach.