Anti authoritarian, bitchy and whining

I’m feeling guilty because I don’t like my immature negative anti authoritarian self. I’m bitchy and whiny. I am filled with self pity. I get angry. I’m judgemental. I have these character flaws and they spill over mostly in terrible generalizations against government and law courts and burocracy. Meanwhile I know that the vast majority of people are mostly good. I know that if the government, judges and bureaurcrats were poor and powerless I’d not malign them. It’s envy and immaturity that drives this terrible tendency within me.

Yes I’ve been hurt. Yes I’ve been falsely accused and abused and individuals in authority have been corrupt and ignorant and frankly the worst wankers, evil individuals.  But that in no way justifies my tendency to lump them together and do no better in return.  

My aunt said, « if you don’t have anything good to say about a person it’s best to be silent. ‘ When she died we all commented at the funeral on my saintly Aunt’s not having maligned anyone that we knew. She was a Christian and believed judgement was the lord. She was also one of the most gentle sophisticated well mannered people I knew.

I won’t be remembered as such.

I do apologize for all those generalizations and ill considered remarks. I’m especially mean to bureaucrats and administration in health care which is totally unfair as the majority, really, the majority I’ve known have been great. So because a very few have been the genetic errors doesn’t justify my disparagement of the group.  Just because you believe in Climate Change or belong to the Liberal Party of Canada doesn’t mean you need supervised visits with children. 

 There are some people I would say shouldn’t be left alone with farm animals but that is unfair to say this of whole groups of people.  I once belonged to the Liberal Party of Canada and indeed spoke highly of Pierre Trudeau when I was so young and stupid politically that I didn’t appreciate the wisdom of my parents who had great disdain for the communist who was intent on ruining the Canada they loved. I have Liberal friends and they really are great people. Admittedly I prefer the company of the convention stereotypically stigmatized in general but it’s unfair to suggest people who belong to a political party shouldn’t be allowed to drive trucks.

There is a need for tolerance.  Just because a person is pedophile doesn’t mean he can’t drive a truck. He just needs to be kept away from children.  

I am sorry that I am so ascerbic and think that I am witty when I am just being ignorant and mean spirited. Dressing negativity up in clean clothes doesn’t make it less dirty.  I criticize PC as the ‘false belief you can pick up a tourd by the clean end’ but then I go off doing the same thing in the opposite direction.

I’m sorry. It’s not enough to say one is sorry. It requires change in action.  I admit wrong but I don’t know how successful I will be in changing my own intolerance and malicious wit.  The first step is admission of fault.  Now I’m attempt to move forward.  

I believe spirituality is perception.  I need to build my friends up more than tear down my enemies.  CJOB had a morning radio show my parents listened to in the home each morning when I was growing up. It was called ‘Beefs and Bouguets. ». I need to focus more on the bouquet.  Everyone can be bitter and critical.  We need more people to be positive.

I have to look for the positive. I have to focus on an Attitude of Gratitude. 

I know I give myself this this little talk every few months and say ‘some are sicker than others’. I view those who appear ‘evil’ as sick but still I’m not as kind to the sick as I could be and should be.  

I had a great walk with Gilbert today. I just finished reading Katherine’s Diary, a fascinating Australian auto biography of an early famousTransgendered person, a College Librarian who’d served in the Navy and HD 3 children and 24 years of fairly positive marriage before transitioning. 

 I roasted Ethiopian Coffee, had some cups. Had a whole lot planned to do and believe there are things that ‘need’ to be done. I’d intended to go out and do some visits and there was shopping to do but instead I lay on the couch reading, walked Gilbert and read. Exercised and meditated. Journaled and read. .  I love days when I read and drink coffee and literally escape into one of my favourite past times.

I worked last week. My cough has all but subsided. I’ve continued to take care of business, catching up and doing the next right thing.. It’s been a stress getting back into the swing of things after being away. I’m prepared for Christmas. 

I loved being out with the Doc Side crew. Loved Dr. Horvath taking us all out for dinner at the Moxie. I loved talking to Robert. I loved seeing David. It was great to see Jerry, Judith and Mary Lou and meet agin our newest addition. ? Jazz. Dr. Horvath is a mensch.  

I loved today not driving. I loved not facing traffic. I had thought all afternoon about taking out my motorcycle but I enjoyed the warm and the coffee, my own washroom, my own little monks cell. Gilbert Enjoyed  having me toss the ball for him.  I shaved and showered and even intended to go swimming. I have errands and tasks to do but it all got set aside as I enjoyed the day alone and in comfort so grateful for this reprieve.  Thank you. 

I prayed and meditated considering the nature of this universe, the names of God, my place in. As Bernie would say « Holy Pirit Come ».

Darkness, Sharia Health Care System, and Politics

I woke up to the darkness and prayed.  It was early morning.  I prayed some more.  Morning prayers stop the deluge of demands waiting at the door to terrify me.  I’ve a routine.  I get up. I put on the coffee. I learned from that patient.  Asking him to describe his day, he said.
“I look at the window and if there are no bars, I make my own coffee.”
The bars I live with are all internalized.  I’m old and I’ve been obeying all the laws and doing as I was told and feeling like it’s never enough.  The Prime Minister insults me personally. A wasted pumped up amateur wannabe embarrassment he still criticizes me and calls others like me wealthy and entitled. There is talk these days of ‘priviledge’ yet all I hear are critics and when the real heavy lifting is called for all these snow flakes vanish.
I’m tired too. It’s been a long hard week, going to work and dealing with Gilbert’s surgery. I’m thankful he’s recovered. His nights of whimpering and my sleepless nights took their toll.
But the old soldier told me of his nightmare at D Day.  “We’d been trained.  There was nothing to prepare us for the beaches.  Friends beside you having their heads blown right off.  Noise. Bombs. Blinding flashes.  Bullets.  Running forward over dead bodies.  Diving into the blood and sand. The only thing that saved me was the drill. We’d been taught over and over again.  Load, aim, fire,  advance, load, aim fire,  what the sergeant had said.  They’d survived and they told us what to do from experience.  We practiced over and over.  It was all that got me through that day. Doing the drill.”
So when I wake up I have my own kind of drill.  I make coffee. I feed the animals.  George was actually out playing with Gilbert, bumped him with his head.  They’re cute that way. Gilbert took it in a good natured way, wagging his tail. He’s still wearing his cone after surgery. He enjoyed the Little Cesar I gave him and even went onto eat some dried food.
I got out an egg I’d boiled yesterday, a banana and a couple of pieces of Babybel Cheese. As soon as I began to remove the cellophane wrapper Gilbert’s head shot up.  Despite blindness he found his way immediately to my side. It’s his favourite cheese.  That’s why I got it. We have shared some each day after his surgery.  He ate venison and steak and liver pate as well. I worried so much about him this time.  He was slow to recover, compared to the removal of his first eye.  Slow to start drinking water and peeing and a day late pooping. He’s back on track. At the office he gets up to greet his friends, the dog lovers or Gilbert lovers, in my practice. He is wagging his tail and sitting to be petted. I’m relaxing.
Now I’ll get in the shower and dress. More of the morning ‘getting to work drill’.  I’ve a ritual. Everything is orderly so I don’t have to reinvent the wheel each day searching for things like keys and wallets. I’m having to look for pants. I put a couple of pairs of jeans in the laundry and have been wearing black dress pants which look a lot like the black sweats.  It’s the only snag in the flow of dressing this week.
I sometimes go over the drill in my mind trying not to forget something. Earlier this week, it was a pen. I left without a pen and that obsessive compulsive part of me was mildly annoyed all day using a plastic throwaway I got from the clinic.
Other doctors have been away and sick so I’ve been holding the fort alone. It gives me comfort to be of assistance knowing I’m contributing.I serve my patients and working now in these other clinics am glad to help and pull my weight as it’s reciprocal. When I’m not there someone covers for me.  There are no extra doctors. If a doctor is absent the others have to carry his load. My emergency room doctor friend has been alone in a department where there were supposed to be 5 doctors.
Canada may have the most corrupt and incompetent government management of health care in western civilization.  Whenever there has been a problem the solution of the Communist mentality administration is more administration. The result is that we have the most administration in the western world and least doctors,  highest costs and least doctors.  I’ve worked in the private and public sector and the private sector is better less grossly incompetent. There’s countless committee meetings in the public sectors and everyone avoids seeing patients.  It’s become increasingly worse over the years.
Then I read in an article that Dr. Bill McEwan is now head of St. Paul’s Psychiatry.  I don’t know how long that’s been but I worked with Bill years ago and he was one of those really bright lights and incredibly fine clinicians.  Seeing him in this position gives such hope. It’s like having Dr. Hurwitz as head of Neuropsychiatry at UBC. The man’s a regular genius yet I don’t know how they manage in the beurocracy. It’s not so bad as it was when I was there and the head was whipping naked women in his office and the drugs and alcohol were flowing freely.  I loved that Dr. Soma Ganesin, the brilliant cultural psychiatrist got a chair of cross cultural psychiatry. Dr. Howard is another of my favourites.  Of course Dr. Bob Stowe, the behavioural neurologist working in psychiatry is my personal pick for the highest award for research and clinical medicine.  Truly extraordinary clinician but also an amazingly clear thinking academic and researcher.  I keep hearing of people I admired most retiring, Dr. Solomon, Dr. Marriage.  That's a downside of aging.
I’m too quick to disparage institutions.  These people who are truly amazing clinicians and great souls work there.  I’m far too jaded by my contact with the drunken drug abusing psychiatrists who were fucking students and patients and being protected by the College of Physicians and Surgeons. The college is always complicit in the corruptions and scandals of health care but they always have some beurocratic means of avoiding accountability.  Sins of omission is what hell is paved with to my mind. That’s why I’ve so enjoyed reading the Nuremberg Trials and Arendt’s accounts of the Banality of Evil.  Beurocrats. It’s not Hitler that was the problem but rather those who did nothing. The same occurs today with Justin Trudeau and his Islamaphobia attack on freedom of speech, his attack on business and general financial destruction of the economy turning a once great country into a communist shell which like all communist countries will sell off it’s assets and tax the populace until someone puts a stop to the high living elites.  My friends call me a ‘wage nigger’.  Those are the bars I see. So far they're just internalized but I wonder when they're manifest on the outside.  I doubt someone else can make coffee as good as the coffee  I make myself.
I just want to serve God and do medicine.  But there’s such a political micro management and control over every aspect of health care I really feel like that Submarine Captain in the Tom Clancy novel where there was an ignorant political leader standing at the shoulder of the captain questioning his every decision. Every decision had to  first and foremost serve the administration, the party. The administration always says they’re there for the people, just like Justin Trudeau who claims his flamboyant lifestyle and wastrel waste of mone.y is for the sake of the citizen.  There degree is CYA, cover your ass and DLW, do least work.  Divide and conquer and scapegoat.
I worry though I’m  just disgruntled.  I don't like winter here. The darkness and rain.  I miss the bright pristine prairies.  I’ve lost my brother, my best friend and another friend, and am seeing everyone my age dying around me.  My dog’s having his eyes out was a hit. Then another false accusation of subjective emotional lying scheming attack.  Before that a year of death threats against my dog and my own life and the ‘authorities’ , the ‘government administration’ , the’police’ doing nothing yet if someone says a doctor ‘upset’ them the whole weight of the authorities comes down on them at the tune of thousands of dollars of punishment for stepping out of line.
They call it the Civil Sevrive. People forget that this is a Military Organization.  Like Military service,  the Civil Service first serves the Crown.  Justin Trudeau isn’t working for Canadians. He actually says Canada is not a nation. He’s a ‘transnational’ and he works for Brussels and Beijing and Mecca but not for me and not for other western Canadians.
Our provincial government and the police and ‘Civil Service” serve a horribly corrupt system where our principle agricultural product here has been Marijuana with low estimates of 8 to 10 billion dollars a year in crops. Couple with that is a 50 billion Heroin and other drugs coming through our city.  Annually .001% deterrent ‘catch’ is made by the millions of dollars of police resources who are completely restricted by the senior beurocracy and courts. Yet in other countries where they really do fight crime we always find that there are senior judges and senior administrative staff involved in the multi billion dollar crime rackets.  So our local BC Goverrnment, now NDP, would have us believe that the Civil Service and our Courts and themselves are totally untouched by this billions of dollars of money flowing like a raging stream through our city making working folk unable to find housing because of all the criminal investment in real estate here. They caught one police man selling drug from his car.
In the US drug trafficking was finally addressed when all the assets of the dealers were taken yet here in Canada a Surrey marijuana grower is in court arguing that just because his one house was a grow operation all his other houses should be protected from the court.
I see that the laws and attack on legal gun owners and hunters are unbearable, an outrageous persecution and tax grab after the Liberal 2 billion dollar make work gun registry program from Liberal ex security forces and hangers on, totally unnaccountable money in typical corrupt Liberal fashion.  Yet when you actually look at the consequences for criminals with guns and the ready availability of pardons and all the ‘treats’ for criminals and legal protections for gun wielding terrorists, it’s thoroughly disheartening.
I’m soul dead thinking that Justin Trudeau gave $10 million dollars of my hard earned , so very hard earned, so very very hard earned, at such high cost and risk, money, to a terrorist who made bombs that killed Canadian soldiers and himself killed an American soldier. And I’m fined for jay walking and expected daily to be perfect. Really all of us as doctors are told we must be perfect all the time or we’ll lose our licenses. We’re constantly fighting the government these days. Studies consistently show that the greatest stress and disappointment for doctors is the constant attack , constantly being stabbed in the back, by the government, this CIVIL SERVICE, military authoritarian construct, with all manner of power and not at all democratic or even thinking for the benefit of all, but wholly self serving and self interested in the administrative goals, which are evidenced in Justin Trudeau consummate political ‘scab voter’ immigration programs, with all the shallow false emotional lies.
It’s the lies.  I hate paying taxes now to see the money go to terrorists or to pay drug dealers and their friends in high places.
The Former Mayor and Chief of Police are positioning to make a fortune off legalization of marijuana. The real Liberal Progressive businessman must already be lobbying to legalize pedophilia so that Vancouver could be the first city to have a child prostitution centre. Perhaps they could combine liquor sales, pot sales, free heroin, and gambling to get more criminals to buy real estate here and get the free health care that comes with not having or paying doctors. . One stop vice shopping brought to you for your vote by the Liberals and other left wing aetheists who will do anything for their god, Mammon.
I wonder though if I’m just tired and depressed. I can’t seem to shake the faces of young patients I’ve known who have died in this Fentanyl epidemic. I should be thankful really. It’s been at least a couple of weeks since the last death.
I worry I might just be sour and because I’m sour I see the city with no housing for the workers, the criminal upper classes, the government corruption and the drug addicted Trudeau family and this news NDP government no better despite the promises and lies ; all this I see may simply reflect my unwillingness to look on the good.
I’ve lacked gratitude. They all may just be doing their job. Like the guy who brought the gas to Nuremberg. “I just needed a job for my family so this job hauling gas to Auschwitz is a good job”.  “I don’t think about what they’re using the gas for.”
No wonder government jobs are always the highest paid. The amount of guilt and shame that go with them especially in health care where they can’t even get or keep doctors and the doctors who they have are afraid to see patients especially women who are untouchable, the new sharia medicine rules in place, so that it’s just too cumbersome to examine women for fear touching them, might lead to a complaint and any complaint costs a doctor personally $5 to $10, 000 dollars and much more if he’s a critic of the system and not one of the chosen insiders sharing complicity with the flavour of the month royal court ‘politically correct beurocratic dictatorship and  enslavement.
See I lean to the negative. Life is roses on one side and shit on the other and the shit is the manure for the roses. God is Good. God is good all the time. This too will pass.
Thank you Jesus for the rain that stopped the fires and washes away the dirt in the streets. Thanks for the chill of fall that kills the fleas in the grass. Thanks for Gilbert getting better another day and George our rescue cat having a home. Thank you for my health and ability to serve and be of use to my fellows not only working but as part of a team pulling my weight.
Help me to focus on men like Dr. McEwan and Dr. Ganesan and Dr. Stowe and Dr. Howard and Dr. Hurwitz and see that the finest of clinicians work well despite this system.  Even Dr. Lou the great addiction psychiatrist  tolerates the administration somehow.   So why does it bother me so much.
It’s not the outside issue as much as my perception. I’m fearful of the sharia communist destruction of Canada by Trudeau and the Globalist Agenda 21 destruction of democracy and celebration of Civil Service Dictatatorship. The UN Agenda 21 actually called for Canadian Civil Service to be traitors to parliament and mutiny. Yet so far it’s only in the US that they’ve outlawed Agenda 21 state after state. In Canada the Beurocacrats and Courts in general, in general all appointed left over colonial constructs,  have become an elite, no longer responsive to the elected parliament.
Trudeau gives millions to foreign Muslim countries with no mandate as such for this.  Then he ignores the Christians who are persecuted around the world to bring jhadists Muslims unvetted into the country to introduce the terrorism which is devastating my loved London.
Thank you God for your blessings. May I see the glass half full. There are so many blessings. Let me watch the rise of men like Andrews Scheer and women like Kelly Leitch and know that this is hope of spring. It’s always before winter that I cringe and worry. Maybe this year won’t be so bad. Maybe there won’t be so many suicides in Jan and February and I won’t be without any mental health resources to offer people,  crying in despair in the middle of the great darkness.  All I can do is watch because it’s against the law for even doctors to touch patients today as it may be miscronstrued. Sharia medicine reigns supreme in Canada.  The government has made all doctors the enemy. It’s the old divide and conquer.  Sharia communisms comes like a Mile, "wrecking ball'.  Sexy.
Of course the fallacy of the courts and the judges who should be educated as such is the ‘ends against the middle’ .  The Trudeau court influence continues to shape Canada against the will of the majority of Canadians despite the fact that Justin Trudeau as never before is totally on the wrong side of history.
Drop these obsessions. You slept, I say to myself.  Do the drill. Get out of your head. Stop with the self pity. Focus on the positive. See things will get better. This too will pass. All shall be well. All shall be well.  Just 2 more days to the weekend.
Thank you Jesus for the hope your story brings. It’s says that in the end we win.  I am so very thankful for all your blessings and really all the great men and women I’ve been blessed to know and have as teachers. Thank you. I pray too for friends in Nepal. I pray for my family and friends and patients.
Thank you God. Help me to have clarity of vision and see that you are the potter. I am just the clay. I must just do the drill. Get to work. Go through the gauntlet of the worst administrated highway in history and accept that with 50 000 other commuters that the Civil Service, because its got its own agenda can’t get the traffick to flow despite all the evidence in the world that good administrations can make the trains run on time,  Ehen I lived in the US I saw better management of freeways with a hundred times the traffic.

But see you’re the one that’s off. CBT. Look on the bright side. Stop being so negative. Get to work and help someone else. You’re a royal pain, I said to myself angry that I let the internet fill my brain with the selective media narratives of the day. Who cares what socks Justin Trudeau is wearing.  Be thankful he can at least dress himself.   The world doesn’t need more critics or administrators. You’re a front line worker. Get in there. Do the drill.  Hit the beach.

Yea I'm still here and Squeezing the Puss out of my Brain

“Yea, I’m still here,” I told God.
The lights were on. Bird song was coming through the window. The little bundle of joy, the cockapoo Gilbert was lying on his bed.  I reached out and rubbed his back.
He licked my face.
It’s God’s way of saying Good Morning.
I wanted to shout back, “What’s good about it."
I wake up like that some days.  There was the time in my life when the twin vultures of fear and anger sat on my bed posts waiting for my eyes to open.
Now it’s mostly, “when are you going to make something of your life.”  I reminisce on the people who said I’d be a failure if I didn’t shape or change or be like them.
Now I’m old.  Older.  I’m looking out of my eyes and not realizing that I’m no longer 20 or 30 or 40 until I see a reflection of myself in the mirror. I like looking at the young people.  I worry then I may seem creepy.
I wonder how long it will be till I’m irrelevant.
There’s an ennui.
“What should I do today, “ I ask God.  I’m in my under wear and I’ve gone to the toilet. That’s a given. There’s not a lot of decision making in bodily function. I don’t like to sit in warm wetness.  I do my own house keeping .The place is a mess.  I haven’t had a cleaning lady in a year or more.  I am afraid of strangers in my house. One years back notified her gang friends of what I had in my Shaughnassey home. When I caught them and asked who the hell told them to target my place I heard that the cleaning lady was a friend.  Loose lips sink ships. They were after my new computer. I have little shit like that.  An iPhone. An Ipad. When my iPad was stolen from the clinic it was a year of hassle it seemed restoring medical apps, finding passwords.  hours of work.  I’m thankful for the Apple iCloud today. I back up but thieves are a hassle. I worry too about ammunition. Each year I hunt and when we do we carry spare shells in our pockets especially 22 shells we use for shooting grouse. Tender tasty morsels of delicious wild bird.  The trouble is getting all these shells stored safely again when I come home.  They should up in my launder smaller than a penny.  They fall out of the bags onto the floor.  I hate the thought of a cleaning lady calling SWAT because she finds a 22 shell in my bed. Then there’s the sex toys and women’s clothes. Who wants the church to know that you have a bottle of KY jelly in the bathroom.  It’s not like it’s crack or heroin or bombs but it’s that sense that there’s no safety.  The STATE is oppressive. Totalitarian. Demanding compliance with the prescribed norm.  Maybe the Bible will offend someone. I have anatomy books. I have Clausewitz.  I have chemistry. I don’t know what will offend people and hide in side a lot. Not wanting to face anyone in Canada off hours for fear talking to them about Jesus will have me arrested for hate speech.  Of course I could be Myla Cyruss and talk about killing people because of their differing ideas. I remember a woman shouting at me in a meeting that I should speak about a man pointing a gun at me because it’s so violent. She was a nut bar. So many people never actually experience anything but their own mental banking then demand the centre stage when adults are talking. I was telling a guy about the fear I had when a guy pointed a gun at me and he was sharing the same. There were no police for 15 or 20 minutes in either case and it changed our attitudes to the promises our taxes pay for and the idea that we can trust the STATE. Theres wild fires all over and people being evacuated. but when this was done in Alberta the RCMP used the occasion to go in and take every farmer’s guns.  Here in BC they caught one guy going about stealing millions of dollars.  Yet they call citizens criminals if they want to defend their property and stay home with buckets and shovels.  It upsets me but then I remember it’s just media.
The whole news thing is a grand lie.  Adolescents have all the answers to events at the global level but can’t make their bed. I”ve not cleaned my house myself for weeks. That is the solution. No cleaning lady , clean your own place.e So A week or two back I shook out the rugs and swept the place. A major improvement. I take my laundry to a laundry lady.  Why can’t I be thankful for that rather than focusing on not having a cleaning lady and complaining about too much clutter and my growing aging hoarding tendencies. I’m not really a hoarder I just have a storage locker where I have kitchen stuff I can’t find so buy a whole new set.  I also have food, cans of stuff. Always ready for armageddon.  I’m going to die and there’s going to be 2 weeks supply of canned food for charity.
“God I’m about ready for a shower,”
I’ve got a lot of automatic pilot stuff written into my schedule. My alarm goes off 5 days a week.  My keys and wallet are in one place. I have a lot of stuff organized for easy thoughtless progress. Even after the morning coffee I don’t like heavy decisions.  Shoes, jeans and shirt are all where they are supposed to be.  Looking for underwear is the most difficult thing. I wonder about colour and fabric. I like the new Calvin Klein sensual slippery stuff, almost feminine, such an improvement over my old stanfields that are going holy and bunch up when I sit.  I have the a few perfect underwear. Just comfortable and black and no need for consideration .  It’s just that there’s never a weeks supply, and I use them early and am then sorting through a whole lot of not so comfortable ones like the mis matched socks. Best part of summer is not wearing socks even when I ride the Harley I can forego socks in my boots.
The vehicles are a delight. I don’t know if I could get to work in a jalopy anymore. What get me out the door is looking forward to driving the truck, the sportscar or the motorcycle. I didn’t know this about myself but I’m really into vehicle. As a little boy all I did was zoom a sports car about or float boats. Now as an adult I’m doing what I fantasized my whole childhood about except the planes.  No one has trusted me with an F16 either.  I ‘d argue that I didn’t need lessons, just a quick review and then give me the keys.  Like I did with my Dad and his precious truck before I crashed through the neighbours fence, the old man scream, ‘brake brake ‘ and me flooring the gas pedal.

“I know God I’ve got to get ready. I’m more thankful for the day  Journalling does that to me. I call it” squeezing the puss out of my brain.’  Some mornings I have to do serious Gratitude lists just to get my attitude shifted forward.  My depressive patients can suck the soul out of the universe. They’re atheists and make the strongest case for all they’re thinking.  Things just are. So I’m just negative. Some people are just positive.  I say they pray. I point out that Catholics experience the same shit as atheists but atheists kill themselves all the time while Catholics don’t.  They say they’re delusion. I ask them to read Don Quixote.  They have no Dulcinea’s.  They see everything in the worst way and then want a special pill to ‘feel good’.  I have to watch my thinking every day like I avoided having patients infected in surgery by washing my hands all the time. Then we’d have the nose picker from the kitchen union and the administrator who’d come swaggering through the wards but not wash his hands after he touched stuff.  Idiot.  But I can reach back into my mind and remember that administrator or the guy in his boat who made things work smoothly in the ward and got things done and was always finding stuff to make it all work when we on ihefront lines felt it was hopeless at times  He was a mensch.

But my self pity mind is always looking for the shit on the left hand side of life. Like thinking about Trudeau. I don’t like the dope smoking arrogant communist idiots brand name.  So why don’t i focus on the positive, on Andrew Scheer, a good young man whose worked hard all his life has this great family and a steady woman who loves him as the two love the Canada I believe in. I love the Canada I grew up in the wilderness and the land and the people working together, not all the divide and conquer and favouritism of today. I like the bringing together of Andrew and should focus on the positive.  My aunt said if you don’t have anything good to say about a person don’t talk about them but I’m caught up in the madness of today’s politics and like everyone else seem to have a lot of shit to say about what i don’t want and those assholes  I don’t like but why am I not speaking more about that glorious woman Rempel.  Or thanking Rona for making parliament such a civilized place. While Trusdau was sitting women and looking down his nose at everyone Rona was being a real lady but one who didn’t take shit. She reminded me of the Queen.
I like Ron Reed. He’s the director and produce and actor at the Pacific Theatre.  He’s a true Mensch and his work is uplifting and thought provoking and he brings together people who see beyond the superficial.
But I work all day with people who are out of prison or on the way back to prison who steal and whore and do drugs. I’m trying my best to stay detached from the horror. I have people who die ridiculous overdose lives trying to get high by getting enslaved. Monkeys with electrctrodes in their brains.
And I ask you God, “What am I to do today.” What is it you gave me this life for. What can I do to serve you and my fellow man.

And Now I’m going to work.  Time to shower. I like the showering part of the day, like the coffee, like the night ice creams. There are oasis of positives in even the despair of ennui and the same old same old.  Squeeze the pus out of your brain I tell myself and try to focus on the positive. Pray and meditate.  Exorcise the negative. Don’t let the acid settle.  Be teflon to all the criticism and abuse and negativity that’s coming your way in your job as the Complaints Department of Life and don’t focus on the Administration. They’re still looking for their ass with both hands and all they know how to do is reward their friends and criticize all others. They’re cowards , terrified for their jobs and their perks.  Look how much money Obama and Michelle got for their bit of government.  Accept you’re envious. You’re doing okay.  There’s never enough.  That’s why the George Soros are their to remind you of the banality of evil and the power of Greed.  Just do your bit today.
Thy Will Be Done .  Thank you Jesus!

Holy Mary Mother of God, Pray for Us Sinners, now and in the hour of our death.

Saints of all religions we bow to you now. May thy love shine forever on the sanctuary of my devotion and may I awaken thy love in all hearts.

TGIF.

Think positive. Block the negative thoughts by positive affirmation.  Look for the good in people. Jesus came to his disciples as a wounded stranger.  It doesn't take a genius to know it's broken, it takes a genius to know how to fix it.

Life is for living.

Be Still and Know that I am God.

Thank you Lord. Thank you for all that is life. Thank you for creation Creator.  Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, Yea God

Thank you. Really Thank you.