Anti authoritarian, bitchy and whining

I’m feeling guilty because I don’t like my immature negative anti authoritarian self. I’m bitchy and whiny. I am filled with self pity. I get angry. I’m judgemental. I have these character flaws and they spill over mostly in terrible generalizations against government and law courts and burocracy. Meanwhile I know that the vast majority of people are mostly good. I know that if the government, judges and bureaurcrats were poor and powerless I’d not malign them. It’s envy and immaturity that drives this terrible tendency within me.

Yes I’ve been hurt. Yes I’ve been falsely accused and abused and individuals in authority have been corrupt and ignorant and frankly the worst wankers, evil individuals.  But that in no way justifies my tendency to lump them together and do no better in return.  

My aunt said, « if you don’t have anything good to say about a person it’s best to be silent. ‘ When she died we all commented at the funeral on my saintly Aunt’s not having maligned anyone that we knew. She was a Christian and believed judgement was the lord. She was also one of the most gentle sophisticated well mannered people I knew.

I won’t be remembered as such.

I do apologize for all those generalizations and ill considered remarks. I’m especially mean to bureaucrats and administration in health care which is totally unfair as the majority, really, the majority I’ve known have been great. So because a very few have been the genetic errors doesn’t justify my disparagement of the group.  Just because you believe in Climate Change or belong to the Liberal Party of Canada doesn’t mean you need supervised visits with children. 

 There are some people I would say shouldn’t be left alone with farm animals but that is unfair to say this of whole groups of people.  I once belonged to the Liberal Party of Canada and indeed spoke highly of Pierre Trudeau when I was so young and stupid politically that I didn’t appreciate the wisdom of my parents who had great disdain for the communist who was intent on ruining the Canada they loved. I have Liberal friends and they really are great people. Admittedly I prefer the company of the convention stereotypically stigmatized in general but it’s unfair to suggest people who belong to a political party shouldn’t be allowed to drive trucks.

There is a need for tolerance.  Just because a person is pedophile doesn’t mean he can’t drive a truck. He just needs to be kept away from children.  

I am sorry that I am so ascerbic and think that I am witty when I am just being ignorant and mean spirited. Dressing negativity up in clean clothes doesn’t make it less dirty.  I criticize PC as the ‘false belief you can pick up a tourd by the clean end’ but then I go off doing the same thing in the opposite direction.

I’m sorry. It’s not enough to say one is sorry. It requires change in action.  I admit wrong but I don’t know how successful I will be in changing my own intolerance and malicious wit.  The first step is admission of fault.  Now I’m attempt to move forward.  

I believe spirituality is perception.  I need to build my friends up more than tear down my enemies.  CJOB had a morning radio show my parents listened to in the home each morning when I was growing up. It was called ‘Beefs and Bouguets. ». I need to focus more on the bouquet.  Everyone can be bitter and critical.  We need more people to be positive.

I have to look for the positive. I have to focus on an Attitude of Gratitude. 

I know I give myself this this little talk every few months and say ‘some are sicker than others’. I view those who appear ‘evil’ as sick but still I’m not as kind to the sick as I could be and should be.  

I had a great walk with Gilbert today. I just finished reading Katherine’s Diary, a fascinating Australian auto biography of an early famousTransgendered person, a College Librarian who’d served in the Navy and HD 3 children and 24 years of fairly positive marriage before transitioning. 

 I roasted Ethiopian Coffee, had some cups. Had a whole lot planned to do and believe there are things that ‘need’ to be done. I’d intended to go out and do some visits and there was shopping to do but instead I lay on the couch reading, walked Gilbert and read. Exercised and meditated. Journaled and read. .  I love days when I read and drink coffee and literally escape into one of my favourite past times.

I worked last week. My cough has all but subsided. I’ve continued to take care of business, catching up and doing the next right thing.. It’s been a stress getting back into the swing of things after being away. I’m prepared for Christmas. 

I loved being out with the Doc Side crew. Loved Dr. Horvath taking us all out for dinner at the Moxie. I loved talking to Robert. I loved seeing David. It was great to see Jerry, Judith and Mary Lou and meet agin our newest addition. ? Jazz. Dr. Horvath is a mensch.  

I loved today not driving. I loved not facing traffic. I had thought all afternoon about taking out my motorcycle but I enjoyed the warm and the coffee, my own washroom, my own little monks cell. Gilbert Enjoyed  having me toss the ball for him.  I shaved and showered and even intended to go swimming. I have errands and tasks to do but it all got set aside as I enjoyed the day alone and in comfort so grateful for this reprieve.  Thank you. 

I prayed and meditated considering the nature of this universe, the names of God, my place in. As Bernie would say « Holy Pirit Come ».