Morning Journal December

My near death, exotic Asian male cold, that had me on three antibiotics and coughing non stop 24 hours producing the colours of my forefathers, persists like a nagging collection agent.  I slept through the night after a weekend of mostly sleeping and resting and doing nothing of note except entertaining my dog, reading and taking care of business.

I returned from India sick a week ago and have only been able to complete half days at the clinics, my coughing, brought on my talking stress, soul sucking, anxiety, whatever, begins to worry the waiting room and I leave.  

Meanwhile someone has introduced Christmas and I’m still back in Halloween and Remembrance Day.  I didn’t make it to church or may have had the advent candles to kick me into the present. I’ve been jet lagged worse than I can remember. My back and shoulder hurt. My knee is a whole lot better. One joint improves and another atheletic traumatic memory takes over it’s place. My body and I have entered a bargaining phase. I beg and cajole activity when a lot of the time all it wants is the couch.  “The couch! The couch!” My knee used to scream but not it’s just my back and throat whimpering.

We’ve been discussing chronic pain recently.  There continues to be this ‘acceptance’ of ‘physical illness’ as if ‘physical illness’ is ‘without blame and shame’.  Meanwhile I consider everything psychosomatic and ask myself constantly what have I done to cause this, how can I change this, what can I do to make it better. I avoid seeing MRI”s of my joints because they invariably look permanently damaged while I know we’re self healing beings. Neuts grow their severed tails. We’re constantly killing cancer cells on a daily basis. My skin is renewing itself ever matter of weeks and my blood is replaced every couple of months, all the cells renew every 7 years.  It’s a dynamic milieu but my binary limited ego mind reduces everything to good and evil or broken and fixed and if shown an MRI of my back, would simply act as a “NOCEBO”>

A nocebo is a ‘curse’. 

A placebo is a ‘blessing’. In the materialistic world of aetheist medicine , placebo or ‘self healing’ has been denigrated.  The consumer medicine group can’t bill for it and the heiarachical world we live in with big and little, leaders and slaves, and all the hidden agendas, survival of the fittest, priviledge and blame and shame, placebo is denigrated. I believe everything is self healing. I believe as a doctor I’m facilitating the process. I’m like the artist who says he’s letting the sculpture out of the rock. I’m a gardener weeding. I believe God wants good and I’m doing God’s work. So I believe that we have a whole collection of self limiting thoughts and beliefs that stop us from levitating, flying, and saint like behaviour. We hear and know of these individuals but then our propaganda denigrators education system and media constantly ‘discount’ miracles. Miracles and the sacred are going on all the time.

I’m not paying attention.

I’m easily distracted by lust, gluttony,anger, fear, selfishness. I’m struggling daily to be a better person. I look back and see I’ve been writing and saying and doing that for decades with limited benefit. My intention has been perfection and God’s will but like St. Paul said, “I do what I don’t want to do and don’t do what I want to do.’

I”m aware I’ve overweight and would benefit from hours in the gym. I listened to some people in a coffee shop, these ladies and young men, talking about their daily gym times 1-2 hours. “What the fuck are you, professional athletes!”   I encouraged my patient to meditate 15 minutes a day. She’d come from a retreat where they wanted her to meditate 2 hours a day. “What the fuck do they think I do all day!”

So I’m supposed to write the great Canadian novel. it was supposed to be written decades ago. Instead i blogged and journaled and wasted away in oblivion bitching and complaining.

My alarm goes off early each morning. Why is it dark outside!!!!!  The alarm song is ‘It is well with my soul ».  The ipad has the ‘Creed.’It’s a good way to wake. 

I was dreaming of India. I was with a group of people meditating and having coffee and generally hanging out. I often find myself in churches and holy places in my dreamS.  

Gilbert my Guru was beside me . He’s taken to liking the electric warming blanket and lies up against me and it.  Would never admit it. Old dog.

So I started the day great with a hug and belly rub. I gave Gilbert the belly rub.  A lot of my life I’ve woken with gorgeous women in my bed. I’ve looked over and been shocked at the beauty of my bed mate. It continues now even some days, though Gilbert is the constant. I’m really blessed. Now I’ve a happy little dog who is blind and having a bad back now  accepts being helped down from the bed. He has a combination of a clean clothes pile piles suitcases and foam stairs.  He gets up but likes a hand down.

I meditated. I speak to God. I pray. I have this ongoing relationship with God that’s kind of authoritarian 911 guy, a bit like my father as a kid, and a bit like my mother and best of all when he’s a friend. I like the song I have a friend in Jesus.  I just have difficulty relating to this guy’s guy who hiked everywhere in robes and the dessert. I sometimes find a more fitting relationship figure that’s less austere.  It’s my perception. God within. God will come again. I like the name Lord. « L iveor D ie. » I find the God path is life.  Evil spelt backwards is good. I’m reaching.  I’m trying to awaken that within me that has always known god, The child within.  I believe life is a forgetting.  Then we die and we’re reunited.

In my prayers I prayed for my teachers, and mentors and family and friends. It can’t hurt. I have been blessed and so often I feel alienated and alone and detached and afraid.  

I like being alone in the woods. I miss sailing.  I miss the distance from government. I couldn’t have been awake a half hour when I was thinking about the Climate Change nonsense and the diabolical tax fraud claiming to tax us as punishment to redistribute wealth to Equatorial Countries. I’m freezing my butt off. I had to pay $60 for propane to heat the place this week. It’s so cold here. This is the coast. It’s the best it gets in Canada. I spend decades in Winnipeg and northern Canada.  Meanwhile I’ve just returned from where the sun always shines and the people can live comfortably on the street. That doesn’t happen here. 

I’m always upset when I feel someone is taking my money or earnings. I work really hard. I have got up and gone to work and worked 12 hours a day all my life and looked around at white collar and blue collar welfare, people coasting and wanting me to support them. Meanwhile I like supporting people I choose. But I don’t like the government stealing from me to support their nefarious cronies. That’s my viewpoint. It’s worse in the Equatorial countries. Just read the history of Libéria.  All the bullshit about ‘racism’ in the Media and no one is talking about race. It’s not race or gender.It’s good and evil and corruption. Like this massive redistribution scheme to destroy Canadians and I think it’s occurring because our leader is a coward and a slut.  I think the screws were put to him by the big boys in the UN> Take our slaves and peasants or we will cut off gas to Quebec.  We won’t sell our goods cheap says China unless you get on board with forgetting about the Hong Kong freedom movement.  

I think we should be allied with America. They’re the best bet. Trudeau’s father joined with France . France contributed about 1% trade with us while America contributed 80 %.  It’s all above my pay grade.

But there I was meditating, at peace and getting ready to go to work.Thinking politics and bullshit.

Not gratitude.

I really have to focus on gratitude. Praise and thanksgiving.I’ve got this great parka. I know how to live in 40 below zero weather. It’s only 4 below here. I’ve this magnificent dog. I roasted a whole boodle of green Ethiopian coffee beans and had the best coffee. I actually had instant porridge and had prepared for my going to work by boiling eggs on the weekend. I had a delicious boiled egg for breakfast.  It’s a paradise. I’ve this great little dog who always looks for the best and just wants to sniff fee fee ass, eat treats, and drink toilet water, and piss everywhere. Life is a dream. My GURU Gilbert.  

So I’ve got to get showered and dressed. I have running hot water, great propane heat warmth and electricity warmth.I »ve this internet connection to the world, friends all over, I’ve this ipad computer that is beyond NASA a decade a go. I’ve a Dick Tracy watch. I know there’s no intelligent life in the capitals of the world and keep asking to be beamed up and one day I will dematerialize and appear somewhere else. God will take me home. I will meet my mother and father, brother,  aunts and uncles and grandparents again and the friends who have gone before. Today I’ve got to get suited up and try to be kind and nice and do the next right thing.I’ve got this great little car. I remember when I played all day with a dinky toy and thought life would begin when I had an actual car. Now I do. I have everything but my mind forgets. I am blessed and instead I focus on the weak knee or the computer program that bounced me off it earlier this morning. I focus on the fact that I had intended to start writing a book but instead babbled. 

Oh well.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you Lord. Thank you Creator. Thank you God. I will put on the armor of the lord, remember St. Francis, God beneath, God beside, God above, God in front, God behind, protect me and be thou my shining light. May I do thy will.  Let me know thy will. Thy will be done. Lift up my eyes. Raise me on eagles wings. Thank you Jesus!