Friday, July 21, 2017

Yea I'm still here and Squeezing the Puss out of my Brain

“Yea, I’m still here,” I told God.
The lights were on. Bird song was coming through the window. The little bundle of joy, the cockapoo Gilbert was lying on his bed.  I reached out and rubbed his back.
He licked my face.
It’s God’s way of saying Good Morning.
I wanted to shout back, “What’s good about it."
I wake up like that some days.  There was the time in my life when the twin vultures of fear and anger sat on my bed posts waiting for my eyes to open.
Now it’s mostly, “when are you going to make something of your life.”  I reminisce on the people who said I’d be a failure if I didn’t shape or change or be like them.
Now I’m old.  Older.  I’m looking out of my eyes and not realizing that I’m no longer 20 or 30 or 40 until I see a reflection of myself in the mirror. I like looking at the young people.  I worry then I may seem creepy.
I wonder how long it will be till I’m irrelevant.
There’s an ennui.
“What should I do today, “ I ask God.  I’m in my under wear and I’ve gone to the toilet. That’s a given. There’s not a lot of decision making in bodily function. I don’t like to sit in warm wetness.  I do my own house keeping .The place is a mess.  I haven’t had a cleaning lady in a year or more.  I am afraid of strangers in my house. One years back notified her gang friends of what I had in my Shaughnassey home. When I caught them and asked who the hell told them to target my place I heard that the cleaning lady was a friend.  Loose lips sink ships. They were after my new computer. I have little shit like that.  An iPhone. An Ipad. When my iPad was stolen from the clinic it was a year of hassle it seemed restoring medical apps, finding passwords.  hours of work.  I’m thankful for the Apple iCloud today. I back up but thieves are a hassle. I worry too about ammunition. Each year I hunt and when we do we carry spare shells in our pockets especially 22 shells we use for shooting grouse. Tender tasty morsels of delicious wild bird.  The trouble is getting all these shells stored safely again when I come home.  They should up in my launder smaller than a penny.  They fall out of the bags onto the floor.  I hate the thought of a cleaning lady calling SWAT because she finds a 22 shell in my bed. Then there’s the sex toys and women’s clothes. Who wants the church to know that you have a bottle of KY jelly in the bathroom.  It’s not like it’s crack or heroin or bombs but it’s that sense that there’s no safety.  The STATE is oppressive. Totalitarian. Demanding compliance with the prescribed norm.  Maybe the Bible will offend someone. I have anatomy books. I have Clausewitz.  I have chemistry. I don’t know what will offend people and hide in side a lot. Not wanting to face anyone in Canada off hours for fear talking to them about Jesus will have me arrested for hate speech.  Of course I could be Myla Cyruss and talk about killing people because of their differing ideas. I remember a woman shouting at me in a meeting that I should speak about a man pointing a gun at me because it’s so violent. She was a nut bar. So many people never actually experience anything but their own mental banking then demand the centre stage when adults are talking. I was telling a guy about the fear I had when a guy pointed a gun at me and he was sharing the same. There were no police for 15 or 20 minutes in either case and it changed our attitudes to the promises our taxes pay for and the idea that we can trust the STATE. Theres wild fires all over and people being evacuated. but when this was done in Alberta the RCMP used the occasion to go in and take every farmer’s guns.  Here in BC they caught one guy going about stealing millions of dollars.  Yet they call citizens criminals if they want to defend their property and stay home with buckets and shovels.  It upsets me but then I remember it’s just media.
The whole news thing is a grand lie.  Adolescents have all the answers to events at the global level but can’t make their bed. I”ve not cleaned my house myself for weeks. That is the solution. No cleaning lady , clean your own place.e So A week or two back I shook out the rugs and swept the place. A major improvement. I take my laundry to a laundry lady.  Why can’t I be thankful for that rather than focusing on not having a cleaning lady and complaining about too much clutter and my growing aging hoarding tendencies. I’m not really a hoarder I just have a storage locker where I have kitchen stuff I can’t find so buy a whole new set.  I also have food, cans of stuff. Always ready for armageddon.  I’m going to die and there’s going to be 2 weeks supply of canned food for charity.
“God I’m about ready for a shower,”
I’ve got a lot of automatic pilot stuff written into my schedule. My alarm goes off 5 days a week.  My keys and wallet are in one place. I have a lot of stuff organized for easy thoughtless progress. Even after the morning coffee I don’t like heavy decisions.  Shoes, jeans and shirt are all where they are supposed to be.  Looking for underwear is the most difficult thing. I wonder about colour and fabric. I like the new Calvin Klein sensual slippery stuff, almost feminine, such an improvement over my old stanfields that are going holy and bunch up when I sit.  I have the a few perfect underwear. Just comfortable and black and no need for consideration .  It’s just that there’s never a weeks supply, and I use them early and am then sorting through a whole lot of not so comfortable ones like the mis matched socks. Best part of summer is not wearing socks even when I ride the Harley I can forego socks in my boots.
The vehicles are a delight. I don’t know if I could get to work in a jalopy anymore. What get me out the door is looking forward to driving the truck, the sportscar or the motorcycle. I didn’t know this about myself but I’m really into vehicle. As a little boy all I did was zoom a sports car about or float boats. Now as an adult I’m doing what I fantasized my whole childhood about except the planes.  No one has trusted me with an F16 either.  I ‘d argue that I didn’t need lessons, just a quick review and then give me the keys.  Like I did with my Dad and his precious truck before I crashed through the neighbours fence, the old man scream, ‘brake brake ‘ and me flooring the gas pedal.

“I know God I’ve got to get ready. I’m more thankful for the day  Journalling does that to me. I call it” squeezing the puss out of my brain.’  Some mornings I have to do serious Gratitude lists just to get my attitude shifted forward.  My depressive patients can suck the soul out of the universe. They’re atheists and make the strongest case for all they’re thinking.  Things just are. So I’m just negative. Some people are just positive.  I say they pray. I point out that Catholics experience the same shit as atheists but atheists kill themselves all the time while Catholics don’t.  They say they’re delusion. I ask them to read Don Quixote.  They have no Dulcinea’s.  They see everything in the worst way and then want a special pill to ‘feel good’.  I have to watch my thinking every day like I avoided having patients infected in surgery by washing my hands all the time. Then we’d have the nose picker from the kitchen union and the administrator who’d come swaggering through the wards but not wash his hands after he touched stuff.  Idiot.  But I can reach back into my mind and remember that administrator or the guy in his boat who made things work smoothly in the ward and got things done and was always finding stuff to make it all work when we on ihefront lines felt it was hopeless at times  He was a mensch.

But my self pity mind is always looking for the shit on the left hand side of life. Like thinking about Trudeau. I don’t like the dope smoking arrogant communist idiots brand name.  So why don’t i focus on the positive, on Andrew Scheer, a good young man whose worked hard all his life has this great family and a steady woman who loves him as the two love the Canada I believe in. I love the Canada I grew up in the wilderness and the land and the people working together, not all the divide and conquer and favouritism of today. I like the bringing together of Andrew and should focus on the positive.  My aunt said if you don’t have anything good to say about a person don’t talk about them but I’m caught up in the madness of today’s politics and like everyone else seem to have a lot of shit to say about what i don’t want and those assholes  I don’t like but why am I not speaking more about that glorious woman Rempel.  Or thanking Rona for making parliament such a civilized place. While Trusdau was sitting women and looking down his nose at everyone Rona was being a real lady but one who didn’t take shit. She reminded me of the Queen.
I like Ron Reed. He’s the director and produce and actor at the Pacific Theatre.  He’s a true Mensch and his work is uplifting and thought provoking and he brings together people who see beyond the superficial.
But I work all day with people who are out of prison or on the way back to prison who steal and whore and do drugs. I’m trying my best to stay detached from the horror. I have people who die ridiculous overdose lives trying to get high by getting enslaved. Monkeys with electrctrodes in their brains.
And I ask you God, “What am I to do today.” What is it you gave me this life for. What can I do to serve you and my fellow man.

And Now I’m going to work.  Time to shower. I like the showering part of the day, like the coffee, like the night ice creams. There are oasis of positives in even the despair of ennui and the same old same old.  Squeeze the pus out of your brain I tell myself and try to focus on the positive. Pray and meditate.  Exorcise the negative. Don’t let the acid settle.  Be teflon to all the criticism and abuse and negativity that’s coming your way in your job as the Complaints Department of Life and don’t focus on the Administration. They’re still looking for their ass with both hands and all they know how to do is reward their friends and criticize all others. They’re cowards , terrified for their jobs and their perks.  Look how much money Obama and Michelle got for their bit of government.  Accept you’re envious. You’re doing okay.  There’s never enough.  That’s why the George Soros are their to remind you of the banality of evil and the power of Greed.  Just do your bit today.
Thy Will Be Done .  Thank you Jesus!

Holy Mary Mother of God, Pray for Us Sinners, now and in the hour of our death.

Saints of all religions we bow to you now. May thy love shine forever on the sanctuary of my devotion and may I awaken thy love in all hearts.

TGIF.

Think positive. Block the negative thoughts by positive affirmation.  Look for the good in people. Jesus came to his disciples as a wounded stranger.  It doesn't take a genius to know it's broken, it takes a genius to know how to fix it.

Life is for living.

Be Still and Know that I am God.

Thank you Lord. Thank you for all that is life. Thank you for creation Creator.  Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, Yea God

Thank you. Really Thank you.
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