Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Gratitude, Wednesday, Jan 28, 2015

Thank you God for the bed. I really enjoy beds.  I enjoyed my sleep. It could have been longer. The dreams could have been better.  Lots of times I love my dreams so much. Especially when my parents and old dogs come to visit me.  Last night was just kind of interesting.  Thank you that the nightmares I used to have didn’t occur. I haven’t been faced with dead patients, still born babies, faces of suicides, faces of men trying to kill me, cancer, HIV, none of that stuff that used to really haunt my sleep.
I am so thankful for the good dreams and last night it was a kind of mix.  I did wake up at 4 am and worry about the courts. I have longed for death so many times as I ‘ve faced the judgement of judges and bureaucrats for doing the very best I could with what I had and still not being the perfection that they have by their association and superiority. I wake to their condemnation and I’m back in grade school with the stupidity of principals and teachers who were wrong and  insisted on hurting me in their error.  I fear now that all I do is ‘identification with the aggressor’. In weak moments I fear that all the times I’ve been strapped and humiliated and punished by authorities has made me join them.  I fear the times I've been held hostage, the times I've been imprisoned, the times I've had guns or needles shoved at me. Yet it’s all above my pay grade.  Still somedays, especially with all the negativity of the media, and all the horrible corruption in government and bureaucracy, all those killings I’ve been punished for stopping over and over again, all the times I’ve stood up and been silenced for telling the truth, all the times I've been punished for saving lives and healing, and all the times I've  stopped  corruption and killing and the lies, the lies are the worst Lord. I'm so tired. So very tired.  I'm fearful of another hotshot, another wannabe, another swaggering killer backed by whatever forces or money and me unable to run. Maybe it was the metaphor of the broken down old tank and a life of crossroads with Nazis over running my position, the saving of some silliness and irrelevancy.  Why do I care for the mentally ill, the drunks and the drug addicts, the rejects of society. Why can't I just focus on the rich and powerful, serving the privileged and feeling good about helping a nun or monk or CEO. Why must I work with everyone when it would be so easy to cherry pick and get ahead, become somebody and something, and have respect and a career and a name.  Why have I worked so far from importance and served in the outback and out way and sideshow and dregs.  Why didn't I get smart and think about a better job and money when I was younger.  Why am I still working 12 hours seeing people all day when the smart ones are going to committee meetings and advising.  Why why why. Why do I let why's ruin my sleep and unsettle my mind. Thank you God for let me let go of the nonsense of thought.  
So I woke in the night worrying again that the Monday morning quarterbacks will question my loyalty and want only those who goose step in their midst and I’m afraid so afraid.  I miss being alone at sea. I miss being alone in the woods.  I feel like running away in the middle of the night when I wake and fear they’re wanting me to stop complaining about all the money that’s being diverted to killing.   I believe in leadership but the mixed messages and the words out of the side of the mouth are frightening me.
But I went back to sleep.  Maybe it was Fury, the great Brad Pitt movie I saw about WWII.  All the forgotten heroes.  Maybe it was the hearing the word ‘hero’ and wondering how much I’ve done for the dollar, or ribbon, or an idea.  Reading always about the loss of faith of other doctors, hearing others asking what it really means. There’s confusion and I’m confused.  Maybe it was being in Turkey where the ideas were so simple.  Like those days when everyone agreed, Serve the Fuhrer.  Maybe it’s the Auschwitz memorial and Obama snubbing it. Maybe it’s Obama.  Maybe it’s the media.  Maybe its Russia at war with the Ukraine. Maybe it’s too much media.  Maybe it’s just worry I’ll not be paid at the end of the week. Maybe it’s worry I’ll not have a job like so many good people I know.  Maybe it’s the welfare state that awards so many I know who just do drugs and break the law then when they’ve wasted all their private resources get given public resources. Maybe I’m just suffering ‘compassion fatigue’, the 19th nervous breakdown, for the 121st time.  Maybe it’s the weather.  I don’t do well in Jan or Feb.  Too many people demanding too little hours and too angry I’m not there for them. Too many people wanting me to write too many letters to too many bureaucrats demanding too much time.  Maybe it’s just that the days are long.
But I fell back to sleep.  Waking in the night is always awful. Especially struggling with a cold, injured feet and joints.  The pain gets to me. I take the pills and the stomach inflames. I know I should be exercising but exercise hurts. I know I shouldn’t be eating but eating eases the pain. I know I should be swimming but I’m afraid of driving. I’m a one may ‘yes,but’ in winter.  But I’m thankful its not the snow and misery of blizzards which are occurring out east.
I’m just confused.
Thank you for the light that comes with day. Thank you for the dog that licked my face this morning. Thank you for the sleep that followed the waking. Thank you for the joy of peeing.  Thank you especially for the coffee. Thank you for the yoghurt and banana.  Thank you that I have so much when I could have so little.  Thank you for the abundance. Thank you for work and purpose. Thank you for direction. Thank for the ability to serve.  Thank you for the trees and grass and green.  Thank you for the shower I ‘ll soon have. Thank you for clean running water that I can make hot with the turn of a switch. Thank you for my car. Thank you for my clothing. Thank you for the laundry.  Thank you for my family. I so appreciate my brother’s wisdom and humour. Thank you for my nephews who are emazing.  Thank you for the god children. Thank you for the health of family and friends. Thank you for the interesting things my friends post on Facebook.
Thank you for all the funny animal videos. Today especially thank you for the bathing elephant babies.
Thank you for Jesus. Thank you for Mark Twain. Thank you for the Dalai Lama. Thank you for Rumi. Thank you for Yogananda. Thank you for all the wisdom teachings. Thank you for the Bible. Thank you for science. Thank for mysticism and spirality. Thank you for religion and politics and play. Thank you for all the entertainment. Thank you for the creativity of men and women. Thank you for fashion. Thank you for the colour orange.
Thank you for memories. Thank you for old lovers.  Thank you for travel. Thank you for anatomy and physiology. Thank you for good literature. Thank you for fine music. Thank you for theatre. Thank you for Hollywood and Balliwood.  Thank you for dance, especially English and Latin. Thank you for recovery.
Thank you for those who’ve heard the message. Thank you for those who listen. Thank you for activities. Thank you for recreation. Thank you for clubs and organizations and institutions. Thank you for principles. Thank you for silence. Thank you for blessings.
Thank you Lord for this day. Help me always to see the silver lining in clouds. Help me to find the rainbows. Help me to be as kind as I can be.  Help me to follow in the steps of my parents and teachers. Help me to be loving and less judgemental.  Help me to see the good. Help me to be kind. Help me to be understanding. Help me to be hopeful and uplifting. Help me to be stable. Help me to resist the sales and pull of despair and narcism. Help me to keep out of the black holes that beckon and want to consume. Help me to stand outside the anger. Help me to see past the rage and hostility and indifference to the hurt that taught.  Help me to love always.  Help me to be a better person. Help me to be a better a doctor. Help me to be more intelligent and more responsive to the needs of my patients. Help me to be more understanding and kind to the bureaucrats and judges who are themselves doing the best they can with so little resources. Help us all in these mean times.  Help us all this day.
Thank you Lord.

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