God of My Understanding

A loving God, you ask me to find,
When I know pain and fear as the fodder of my years,
And I do not walk on water but walk less and less,
And fear the day I'll walk no more.

I can see mountains I climbed in youth
While today even my spectacled sight for seeing these grows dim,
You ask that I trust and have faith,
Find a god of my underdstanding
And put my faith in this God.

Some higher power, you say, than myself.,
Something other than these thoughts ,
My self talk and ego are not God ,
Though I believe them as if they were,
And accept the constant limitations
That they place on me.

I would do miracles, know miracles, live in the miraculous,
There is sacred everywhere as there is beauty,
But  my heart does not  soar,
And I struggle in the mundane.

And you would have me have faith,
But you  will not show yourself
You,  who gave  Moses a  Burning Bush,
Thomas needed open wounds too.
I am no less in my skepticism.
Indeed I grow nihilistic and cynical.

So that daily , I ask you, that I may know love,
That I may love more, grow in wisdom and discernment,
Know joy, laugh as children laugh, play as pets play,
Smile with more kindness, be less quick to judge, less ready to anger
Less resentful, less fearful,
I would know Grace.

I would know you more, so I pray to you
This God of my understanding, this higher power.
Who must be somewhere hereabouts, with me
Especially when I am alone.
Loving me in mystery.
Loving me even when I cannot love myself.