In my head on a rainy Sunday morning

“If God were small enough for me to understand Him, he wouldn’t be big enough to do the job.” I do want to understand God’s purpose for me on a daily basis. I want to know the meaning of my life. I want to understand my relationship with a Loving God. I want to minimize the unnecessary pain in my life and maximize the pleasure. I want to be of benefit to my fellow man. I want to seriously consider what I want written on my headstone or said as my eulogy. I want to understand why seemingly bad things happen to seemingly good people, especially myself.
These are the questions of humanity. They are what religions are made from and wars occur for. They are at the basis of myths and are brought forward to explain existence beyond the instrumental and quite meaningless manner of saying ‘life happens’, ‘shit happens’. Western ‘zen for dummies’.
Reincarnation ‘explains’ a lot . Much of what bothered me as a child made sense over time yet today there seems a finite world with insufficient time to right the apparent wrongs. I’m reading this book about the Vietnam war which shows that General Westmoreland’s “policy” was a war of attrition, hoping to kill enough Vietnamese that they would tire. However for every 10 or 100 Vietnamese he killed Americans died and the body counts of the enemy were grossly inflated for political reasons. Further there was widespread business and financial corruption with supply problems and inferior equipment for the soldiers because of the greed of the superiors. As a result it appears a whole lot of 20 year old serving their country were killed or maimed for no good reason.
Reincarnation would say that Westmoreland and the others involved in the debacle would come around and experience the war next life as the grunt. Today’s Queen is tomorrow’s chambermaid. And vice versa. The idea is that everyone gets to play every part in time.
The eastern mystics call this ‘maya’. Life is an illusion and it’s only a play and the idea is to meditate and get out of the game. Kind of like escape from Matrix. Buddhism and Hinduism have a kind of nihilism about life. It sucks. Life is suffering. Desire is suffering so become desireless and escape. Yet escaping life and getting out is a desire and the desire not to desire is a desire so the whole thing becomes beyond thought which is considered part of maya anyway.
Christians believed in reincarnation. The jews believed in reincarnation. Moslems tend to believe what Christians and Jews believe but add the ‘kill Jews and Christians’ to the equation just to fill in time.
I’ve read great books on this subject. The Secret was the latest. It kind of says I can have a porche if I don’t think about hemorrhoids, cancer, war or cockroaches and focus my attention on pretty things. Oprah liked it and I like Oprah. I think there’s a lot to be said for that but in the end we still die horrible deaths unless we welcome death.
“I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his taxi.”
But all around me I know people who have broken the laws, mostly marijuania growers and importer/exporters who have made a fortune through rejecting the ‘rules’. Further I try to be good all the time and the ‘good seem to finish last.’ Even Hitler had Eva Braun who I’m sure wasn’t spouting radical feminism and pms and bitching at him to take another country. Maybe she was. Is Camillia more complacent or just manipulative. Prince Charles is visiting Victoria and that seems like a better job than fighting the government to get resources for people homeless and out of work because of the ‘economic down turn’ which really seems to have occurred because of decisions by people much higher than my pay grade. The Westmoreland crew, so to speak.
I feel like a grunt. Yet I have many moments of joy in my life. I take for granted things like heat and toilets working and water and clothing. When I consider how rich I am in storage locker ‘stuff’ and how I have a cat that really is entertaining then my relationship with my God improves. Often wondering about the meaning of life is a sophisticated ‘poor me’ rather than a movement into the sacred.
Faith is accepting that life is Good and God is Good. Jesus died for out sins. God became man and man experienced the full catastrophe (but only 30 something years – I’ve outlived Jesus – and he didn’t have to put up with marriage – I’ve toughed it out more than Jesus – but I 'll pass on the crucifixion but that's over quick compared to those living still today in iron lungs - I'll take a short painful death over a prolonged painful death – on the other hand Moses sucked it up big time. David had his experiences too and Paul was a shit who must have had hemorrhoids to get so much of the Bible turned back to the old testament when Jesus had said he came to ‘fulfill’ all that. That’s the trouble with orthodoxy, pretentious as hell.”
The Secret is to be thankful for what we have. Look at the blessings. Count them. I’m focusing on a water leak that splashes intermittently beside the computer. I’m focusing on the mess. In contrast I can focus on the good sleep I had in the warmth of duvet heaven. Getting a functional hot water system seems insurmountable but I really will solve it. I thought the move was insurmountable and made that change. This leak is irritating. It may be condensation. I think it’s the window above me. It was a problem once before.
The cat cried to be let out so I let her out. It’s raining and cold. She was soon crying and wailing to be let back in. I talked to my neighbor and he got rid of his television 9 years ago to avoid being commercialized. If he wants to watch a movie he does so on his laptop but he says he’s so thankful not to be at the mercy of commercials.
I loved "lost in the cosmos" by Walker Percy and "Your God is too Small" by Phillips.
It’s another day. I am slowly making my way through clutter. I have a propane camp water heater that works well for creating hot water on a temporary basis. I was able to wash my hair and sponge shower. I’ve packed my swimming trunks in my bag so I can stop at a pool and wash and go swimming. It’s all doable just inconvenient. Much of one’s dismay is being out of habit and having to adapt to new circumstances. We’re creatures of habit and what I’m really trying to do is restore organization to my life so I can ‘not think’ about the basics.
The basics are the sacred too. These ‘hierarchies’, ie going to church versus taking a dump are self created. I really can change my attention and focus and get more into the moment and enjoy more the simple things. Like having a functioning toilet and being reminded that water has to be hauled. City living is kind of like being in a hotel existence. I’m back to doing things myself. Freedom. Independence. A different set of rewards. All those matters of ‘character’ versus ‘personality’ if we consider them in that sense.
Yet even these are open to consideration. The emperor has a royal bum wiper but he has to deal with the bum wipers personality on a daily basis. Ugh. I’ve enough to deal with my cat’s attitudes. Getting ‘attitude’ from the bum wiper would be a bitch.
It’s so easy to envy and write a ‘one down’ and “poor me” script. Do I want to be super rich if it makes me an asshole. Can I be superrich and myself. Can I have my youth restored without buying all those expensive creams or dying and being reincarnated stupid as a baby. Can I have the power to stop war. But Krishna said to Arjuna , the war will always be there , the question is whether you join or not.
I am reading about war. I think it’s because all the resources of the country went to shit when the dicks used an excuse to invade and control the gas prices. I figure Saddam wasn’t willing to play along with the rest when it came to controlling the gas price. So he was made an example of. It’s as good a reason as lot of the others flying around.
Of course it’s a poor me explaination because it means that I could be taken out to because I’m not a good obedient boy all the time and part of me says if I am I get rewarded yet I look around and here in BC the thieves and dope growers and those who truly believe their own selfish interests are wholly important regardless of harm to others are rewarded.
Note the poor me. It’s always there. Creeping in. I’ve got this great blanket and the water leak is beside the computer not on it. No bombs have landed in my lap. Life is good. It’s the mind that can reduce everything. And really the world has moved on. It's H1N1 time though some 100 canadian soldiers died in the last months and a cruise missiles costs a couple of million. I can't help but think we could all have eternal youth and health care with the cost of killing today. It's just one of the reasons I don't like paying taxes and really really question the saniety or goodness of my leadership.
Eckart Tolle ‘s book Power of Now and some of his writings are very good for focusing on the power of the mind. I loved that I was told to read the psalms daily. I would read them today if I could find a Bible in this clutter.
I’m thinking I’ll blow this pop stand and get to church. Going to church and getting together with others who see themselves in relation to God and others is an uplifting experience. I could be getting together with others thinking about how to ‘get’ more stuff but if I want ‘stuff’ I can go to the storage locker. There’s a hundred books there I haven’t read or would like to read again. There’s furniture that’s not being used. I’ll ride my truck today and my motorcycle won’t be used. There’s so much one can do. I know a guy with 7 lear jets but he can only ride in one at a time. Given the rain I’ll take the truck and maybe drop off the laundry. Parking will be a bitch. The motorcycle makes parking in a city a joy. Living in the country is always a joy for parking. It’s always a trade off. I must ask God to help me accept this or get in step with his program. I’m always wanting things my way, on my schedule, and I’m always underestimating the time something takes and am always playing catch up in a hurry with too much to do and too many demands. I must like that somehow. When I’m older and retired I’ll have lots more time to mozy. Right now I’ve got people to see and places to go. Hustle bustle, maybe solve the leak while I’m at it. God is good. Good is great. God is love. He has a purpose for me today and by the time I go to bed tonight I'll have a better idea what that purpose is. Meanwhile I have to get up and shave and get dressed and get out to the truck. I have know people who have trouble getting those things done on a daily basis so I should be thankful I'm still getting up and out. Thank you Jesus!