Glory

When Lori came back  to church after her bottom surgery, her transgender friend, Anne’ jokingly said,said ‘well. I guess you won’t be using glory holes any more.’

‘Not likely,’ Lori laughed, never herself using one but knowing the reference.and appreciating the joke. They both did not  not realizetheir conversation was overheard by the pastor’s oldest daughter who’d stepped out of the stall saying,’if you’re not using the glory hole anymore would I be able to use it.

Lori and Anne had no idea what evangelical spa or bible study place the girl was thinking they were about. It was all they could to resist bursting out with laughter as the hurried out the exit together. When the two girls were outside in the hall, Anne couldn’t help saying in, ‘Would you call that bent on glory?”

They laughed. 

“I would indeed. Do you think we should have explained?” Lori asked.

“ I wouldn’t know where to begin”, said Anne. 

‘Probably a good idea because that’s as far back in the rear view mirror as testosterone’ said Anne

‘Amen.” 

The two women walked up the stairs from the church basement leaving the pastor’s daughter staring shocked at her iPhone’s wickipedia page, knowing for sure she was going to erase her search immediately.

A good Sunday

When I woke up this morning I wasn’t feeling particularly good having dreamed of receiving three cigarette and 2 joints and looking forward to using them. The so called ‘using dream’. I didn’t partake but I was full of bygone delight.  A kind of hang over. I’m coming up on 25 years clean and sober and find every year during this month of June I have a difficult times.

I felt like I had a day ahead and literally nothing to do. I was reminded of those summer holiday days as a kid of 10 or 11 when I’d be bereft of ideas about what to do and actually ask my mother. She’d naturally come up with chores and I’d escape on my bike. I suspect she was wise enough to know what she was doing. I used to bike everywhere as a kid. I supposed I could load Madigan on the motorcycle and we could go off exploring. 

Instead I decided after coffee to get ready for church. I decided to dress as Amber and just accept cross dressing as part of my nature.  I’ve cross dressed for church before. I understand my cross dressing mechanic patient who dressed as drab for working on his car’s engine.  Jeans and t shirt.  Church is a dress up occasion and I did enjoy getting ready. Nothing spectacular. I was ready in less than 45 minutes and with Madigan made the drive to church in 15 minutes. We actually arrived on time as the church was full and I think they must have started a few minutes late.  

I loved the service. I love baptism services and at least 2 little girls were baptised.  Madison was well enough behaved and I was thankful for that. He’s learning.

After church I returned home.  

I changed and went for a hot tub and swim. Three adults were enjoying the pool but the hot tub was free so I did enjoy that.  As they 2 women and a man didn’t seem to be leaving the pool anytime soon I chose to leave after a good time in the heat. I’d sun tanned yesterday and had a little rose colour on the skin that carried a little sting, not unpleasant but just enough to remind me I’d had some sun for the first time this year.

Then I took Madigan for a long walk by the river, passing our Rainbow bridge and doing stretches along the way at the fences. It was walk to the green generator and I was content with the exercise. Madison as ever was ready to return.

Back home I’ve been chatting with Laura on Signal. 

I was considering a course at Oxford but none really appealed.  However I went over to Trinity College and joined Futurelearn again. I’d signed up but never done the Culture of Ireland course, something I may come back to. This time though I did a week of the 4 week book of Kell’s course and thoroughly enjoyed it. 

I’d been fasting all day but now have decided white spot fish and chips with a burger for Madigan is a great idea. I’ve not eaten some 18 hours so that’s definitely a healthy break and fish and chips is calling. I’m riding the Harley over. They said it was going to be 20 minutes so I made this note.

What there fore turned out to be a blasé day has been perked up by Church and a river walk and and an hour of a most interesting lecture series. I did a medical course for credit yesterday and feel better.  

Thank you Jesus. 

  

Feast of St. Barnabus,

June 11 is the the Feast of St. Barnabus.  Today, June 12 we  celebrated this day at St. Barnabus Anglican Church, New Westminister.  I was pleased to have attended feeling God’s finger prints were on my actually getting out of bed and dressed in time to make the service.   Madigan likes to attend church but is only slowly learning to be respectful.

Barnabus, was a Cypriot Jew, apostle of Jesus Christ,  who was preaching the gospel in Cypress.   Jews,  disputing with him in the Synagogue, fell upon him.  After torturing him they stoned him to death. St. Barnabus is venerated as the patron Saint of Cypres today.  He is said to have defended the gentile converts against the Judaizers in his missionary work with Paul the apostle.

Today the church was full not only because of the special day but also because of the planned  baptism of children. The Right Reverend John Stephens, the Bishop of the Diocese of New Westminster since January, 2021 presided. Rev. Emile Smith was there and greeted Madigan.  When I asked where her dog, Fritz, was , she pointed to the other side of the church. That was good because while Fritz is well behaved Madigan is not. 

There was the cutest little girl with her hair braided with tiny white beads attached. She wandered about in front of the altar and gave Madigan no end of entertainment with her comings and goings.  He would have gladly joined her were it not for the leash.

The opening hymn was “You are the salt of the earth’.  It was uptempo. I enjoyed it’s positive message.  

When Rev. Emilie Smith gathered the little ones around the Bishop for the children’s message they were a motley crew ages ranging from 2 to 12.  All were  so well dressed by their parents.  The little girl with the braids and beaded hair went forward. Madigan  who thinks he’s one of the kids wanted to join in. Again the leash worked wonders.  The Bishop who has adult children of his own spoke kindly to them asking them questions about the baptism that was about to take place. 

Patti was leading songs in Xhosa, Swahili and English.  I was pleased to learn “Ni mwena” means God is Good in Swahili.

With all the family and sponsors I chose to stay seated when the Baptisms were taking place. 

“Receive the light of Christ, to show that you have passed from darkness to light”..

“Let your light shine before others that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven”

“Let us welcome the newly Baptised.”

Because of covid , with a third of the church still masked, we waved the ‘peace’ rather than shaking hands. For a moment I had a flashback to a 60’s love in.

Eucharist was then opened to all. I joined the line to accept the “body and blood of Jesus “all the while Madigan was tugging and twisting below me, trying his best to ‘raise hell’. 

After Eucharist we said together, the prayer I so enjoy, “Glory to God, whose power, working in us, can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine. Glory to God from generation to generation, in the church and in Christ Jesus, for ever and ever. Amen” 

The closing hymn was “Draw the Circle Wide’, celebrating the inclusiveness of the Christian mission. 

It was a a very good service, the Bishop’s sermon having been spiritual and timely, the baptisms uplifting, the music glorious.  Madigan did well.  Emile invited us for the lunch after but I felt Madigan had done so well. Time to leave before the children danced and ran out of the church behind us.

Thank you Jesus for this lovely St. Barnabus Church service and for getting me out to congregation and communion.  

New Day

I pray, God, guide me this day. Thy will be done.  May I know you more deeply. May I serve you in all I do and say. Show me the Way. Thank you Jesus.

I walk the dog.  I make coffee and drink it. Soon I’ll step in the shower and wash then dress. I have a chiropractor apt with Dr. Ready and truly hope that he will provide some relief for my lumbar back pain.  It’s a chronic conversation.  I am thankful my doctor reassured me that I could go for adjustments. I’m thankful he said that there was was nothing concerning to see. I was thankful she suggested I do stretches before I get out for bed.  Since doing that the sharp soul destroying pain I’d feel standing has gone. I’m even now sitting aware of my back.  It gets better with exercise and movement.  I’m just cautious fearing a twist will send sharp pain through me.  

My God what is the meaning of this pain. What am I to learn from it.  Pain is that which you can say in no other way.

Yes I know that I have too much belly pain and need to exercise and eat less. I didn’t fast yesterday but I had a good run there and I’m still swimming most days. I’ve stopped the sit ups and stretching but still stretch. Yes I need more.  

I like the balm of gilead the monks make. 

It’s also  a distraction.

I’m just coasting here in my life. So much more I could be doing but instead I’m just doing the next right thing, getting by, working. I’m definitely working. But I fear I’m resting on my laurels there . I’m working more than my cohort and so many are dying , becoming ill or retiring. I would only travel. I am fine recouping. I’ve had a magnificent European trip with the incredible viewing of galleries. Now I’m just waiting to camp again. I’ve been planning for next winter. I’ve kept matters going, doing the errands, making repairs. I”ve the Harley insured and on the road. I’ve shared my income with others. I’ve donated. I’ve participating and done service. It’s okay.

What I could be doing

- completing the three books I’ve done major progress on

- taking more theology courses at the university, maybe anthropology

- making more progress regarding my gender dysphoria, talking with others rather than being in my head.

- i could be exercising more and meditating and praying more

- I could be reducing my storage locker.  

- I could be cleaning my home or at least seeking a cleaning service

- I could be decluttering

- I could be taking driving course to improve my driving skills

- I could be studying guitar or keyboard to improve my knowledge of musical

I’m hoping if it’s sunny I’ll lie outside and read more genre based novels. I’ll walk the dog. I’m part of what our friend Ann calls the invisible low. The elderly.  I’m a senior. I want to be ‘somebody’ the song said. I’m past my prime. I could be studying medicine more.  A course is definitely a consideration. I began one last week and found it didn’t work on the ipad so I was going to have to do it on the Mac Pro.

I am grateful.

Thursday

I’ve made it this far in the week.  Madigan pounced on me when I woke up. I was in a deep sleep when the alarm startled me awake. Despite hitting the snooze I couldn’t get another moment’s peace. I was awake

Breakfast of coffee, banana, protein bar and yoghurt.  Madigan heard me open the wrapper on the protein bar and was instantly off the bed and in the living room beside me.  

We walked. It’s drizzling. 

I plugged the battery tender into the Harley I think I may need a new one after it was used so little during covid summers. I’ve been riding the Vespa.

I continue to wonder if my transgender desires are sex addiction or identity woes.  It’s tied to retirement and the sense that my career is winding down and I don’t have a real purpose. I’d said that I’d write books but I can do that in a skirt.  The manliness of sailing cross oceans, hunting big game and motorcycling across country no longer seems necessary. I’m feeling weak and vulnerable and sedentary. I want to drink coffee and write but am longing to be in the south again.  

I’m also reflecting a lot on God. What does God want of me. What is my relationship with God. What is heaven and death.  What next.  

It’s a new day. Rejoice.  Thank you Lord. 

Blue sky

I woke and stretched in bed. This was what the doctor recommended. Sure enough the pain of standing was less. Stretching. Gravity. Low back pain.  I even ordered a book on back exercises from the spinal-health.com site she recommended. I’ve a chiropractor apt I’ve been waiting for since before I went to Europe. I had this idea I had to have a spinal X-ray before next manipulation. I’ve been rather skitterish.  Vulnerable. Fragile.  I’m better today.  The blue sky cinched it. The forecast was rain. Yesterday’s sunshine was so uplifting. I’m disheartened that my mood is so marginal that the mere presence of sun uplifts me and a day more of rain and gloom disheartens.  We’ve had so much rain and the political darkness is epic.

I tried to ride my Harley again only to have the battery be dead despite my charging and riding it last week. So I bought a new small motorcycle battery charger tender. Unfortunately it didn’t have the proper connection for the wires that come out and connect to the electric heat vest I wear in winter. I returned to Lordco and they gave me the part. I found my crimping tool and the box of connectors, cut the wires and added the new connector. Interestingly the automatic charger detected the polarity issue on the connector so I had to cut off the first one and reattach the second one. I couldn’t ‘see’ the difference.  Eureka the second try worked and the bike’s been charging all night. I’ve not done electrical work, even as simple as this in a couple of years. 

 Covid was a bit of a black hole. 2 years of minimalist survival mode. Work and sleep. I’m glad I had the Europe trip and all the walking and study to kickstart my life again. I’m actually motivated. 

It still astounds me that at took courses in the evening after work and did a masters in religious studies/theology.  I was delighted to see my friend AIM’s book awarded. I’m again reading David Kuhl’s book What Dying People Want.  They’re both elegantly written academic books. I once aspired to that but then chose the populist approach to writing. I moved apart from my colleagues at the university when the corruption smelt to high heaven and cowardice was overwhelming. I’ve been out in the clinical world doing heavy lifting. It feels like a bit of a factory. Virtual now there are severe limits on psychotherapy but psychopharmacology is easy with the medium.  I like that I have so many patients I know and see each year. The new unknown patient is the challenge. I have those weekly but it’s the balance that makes the practice less stressful.  

I’m now looking forward to the winter southern trip for a month as a trial.  Between now and then I have the Scot Fest Highland GAmes with Laura. It’s just a walk about on a Saturday afternoon. Participation , belonging. In years gone by I’ve been more involved with the Hay presence. I loved the day Stuart, my Scotty, wearing a Hay tartan jacket walked at the front of the opening parade with the Sgte Major and all.  He stole the show that day.  

Laura and I are planning a hotel stay in Harrison’s for the July long weekend. After that there’s Pride Festival. I’ve not been for so many years because the IDAA conference was that weekend. I decided with Europe I”d miss the IDAA this year even though it’s in Houston where I”d love to go, simply because the travel restrictions are onerous still and I’d spent so much on the Europe trip.  I’ve only paid off the cost and I’d actually paid flights and rooms before going.  The lack of income and all the sundry considerations with tax and various dues all colliding had me living pay Cheque to pay cheque. I don’t know how others live because everything has gone up with inflation. Rent increases, food price increases, gas price increases.  The grossest most offensive mismanagement of the economy and outright corruption by the Trudeau government never before known except in his Father’s Day.It’s almost like the son wants to out do the father in ruining the finances of Canadians.  The communist Krause and the other globalist elite are quite frightening. 

The shortage of doctors and the overwork of doctors is in the headlines.  The government is replacing doctors with nurses and just like among the natives they’ll soon replace nurses with 10 week trained community care workers. The new policy is to have an off the shelf one fit all health care program that provides the least and if more is needed they one gets shunted off to the sides if one survives. It’s such a factory model while all the money goes to administration. The committee meetings ad infinitum that made government work so appalling have just ratcheted up to even greater obscenity. Meanwhile I”m without any benefits and no pension and continue to slog away doing the lion’s share of work while by government counterpart is now high paid. I remember when I could sit in my office all day and didn’t see patients .  One doctor in the government went 6 months without seeing a patient and only showed up for the staff meetings for an hour every day Lovcked themselves in the office the rest of the day reading and I presume masturbating.  Another doctor told me they ran a real estate company because the management didn’t want them to ‘interfere’ in the health care. They needed the doctor to co-sign their bullshit.

I miss the slow pace and lack of work and envy my administrative doctor colleagues . The young are flocking to this monetary heaven and the security. In Canada the only ones doing well are the criminals and those with government jobs.  See I descend into self pity. But what would I do otherwise. I saw an Australian all terrain camper that really was skookum and I loved that he was on a grand walk about. I expect if I wassn’t working and was more animated I’d be traveling about putting a camper. The trouble with this wine it’s the greatest live aboard ,real luxury since the yacht days, so much better than apartments with the dog and neighbors and park, but I feel I have to downsize or become a really good driver. I’m just not able to manage towing this about. I’d hope to go south with the camper. Like my Vespa and my Harley Bagger.  I’ve a world of big and small accessories and older I just want to deal with the ‘small’.  I struggle with trading this in, selling the boat, and camper an getting a gas bus I could drive today and heading out. Younger I”d head to South America and visit Bolivia and Brazil and Chile and Argentina.  Today I’m more often thinking I’d like to crawl back to bed and hide.  I’m not intrepid today recovering and physically feeling less.  I’m cautious now and am acting fairly normal. Life is good.  Each day has adventure. I’m enjoying my life and grateful.

Thank you Jesus for all your blessings.  Thank you for Laura and Madison and family and work and help me to serve better and guide me. 

Dispatches

I am still here. The sun is shining this morning so there’s hope. Yesterday was cold and gloomy.  Canada’s government in Ottawa is still morbidly stupid, arrogant and foolish. Swab and the WEF Communist New World Order progresses. I read the news and fear for possessions.  The little money I’ve worked so hard to save sits in the bank and I imagined it would help me when the government theft of pensions left me destitute in older age. Silly.  Today is sunny.  Carpe Diem. Shanananananaa live for today. Don’t worry about tomorrow……I used to smoke dope and live in a womb. ….I was a Boy Scout and learned the motto ‘be prepared’.  I know the rich get richer and the crap game is rigged for the bullies and takers. I even know that my go to place is ‘self pity’.  Right now I continue to be bullied by Frazerway RV.  It helps me have empathy with all my patients similarly bullied these days by government and busiesses.  I suspect Trudeau’s incompetence and greed is tied to his drug addiction. I help people who have drug addiction and I was addicted to tobacco and abused alcohol. It’s nearly 25 years I’ve not had a smoke or drunk alcohol.  25 years without altering consciousness with chemicals.  I’ve lived this life on life’s terms.

Today the sun is shining. What a little thing that is but it uplifts my spirit. I love the light. My eyes no longer see clearly in the dark. My vision requires glasses. My hearing is less and I’m using hearing aids more.  

I spoke to Lydia about my back.  Getting up in the morning was like have knives stabbed in my lumbar spine. She looked at the X-ray.  “Other than the fracture and a little narrowing it’s a very good spine. You have a very good looking spine.”  I thought of Schwarzenegger in the moving where the alien hunters tear the spine out of their human victims.  “You need to do more stretching.  Stretch in bed before getting up. Like a cat.”  I ‘d actually not heard this and really appreciated it. I had been getting out of bed and doing stretches but now am stretching before I stand. I tried it this morning and it worked.  That the intuitive wisdom of a good doctor.  I’d heard the same from my colleague from U of Manitoba. I was reading the book on death and denial and the story of the girl with back pain which turned out to be metastatic concern got under my skin. I’m becoming hysterical.  “I’m going to the chiropractor.”  ‘That’s good,” she said, Here’’s this site called ‘spine-health.com’ I find it very helpful’.  I checked it out and it really was helpful. I’ve actually ordered a book of exercise.  

I did Tai Chi for several years and my back pain was completely relieved and the relief lasted several years later. I’ve grown fat with covid and lazy too, just surviving with the work and isolation.

I was considering a sex change too. At least getting hormones and breast implants. Too old for surgical genital operations and feeling self castration is probably just a reaction to the Canadian government’s propaganda.  I don’t think I’m aging that gracefully. I’m whining.  Lydia told me that her husband had the expression ‘man up’ when it came to doing the things he had to do. I’ve been swimming. Last year I was stretching and doing sit ups daily.  It’s time to stop moaning and looking for magic bullets. I probably was hoping for Lydia to say, you’re too sick to do anything but lie on the couch and watch Netflix till you die shortly. Maybe push the fringerator closer so you won’t have to get up to get your snacks.

Madigan my cockapoo physiotherapist has been walking me four times a day.  

I imagine my desire to be female is a reaction of resentment to the heavy lifting I did au drab.  All that life saving work and all that manly years of provider and protector and now our PM rewards criminals by taking the guns of non criminals and gives our pensions to his cronies and welfare recipients transferring to rewards of long hard work to the non workers.  Laura and I know people who never work always complain work the system live in apartments and on social media and do volunteer work for political parties that say ‘give to the poor, ie themselves’ and I’m seeing inflation and savings being attacked. Trudeau actually froze bank accounts of his political enemies and stole their money.  Nothing is safe in Canada under this tyrant.  

I read a promise, “fear of economic insecurity will leave us’.  Yet here I am again not turning it over to God, not surrendering. Fearing when I should have faith.  

My back hurts. I can’t be a soldier. I can’t stand through a surgery. I hear daily so many people hurting so much worse than me and I don’t have any answer because the theft and betrayal is by a government I have never supported.  The socialism communism is not my idea of the meritocracy I believe in.  

Meanwhile I resist retirement partly because I’m enjoying my life though you’d never know it with my whining and complaining but there’s the fear that when I can’t work the government will make me homeless.  I imagine that a woman can survive better than a man because I can’t fight any more and men are attracted more than old ladies. Old ladies seem to be left alone. I feel no lone will care for me and I feel my dog still needs me.  I cant’ save because any money I put in the bank could be taken by Trudeau or Krause. I have hidden gold but know I don’t trade and barter. I served my life saving lives and even know I’m being beat up and bullied by Frazerway RV who clearly have sharp business practices and take advantages of people. I imagine if I was a Hell’s Angel or someone like them I’d not be bullied now. But I’ve been a doctor and given equal care who have come my way whereas I’d refuse to treat Frazerway RV if I was like them spiritually, narcissists and soul suckers.  I imagine that I want to be a woman because my ex partner so often lay dead for ever when I licked their clitoris pleasuring them and they demanded worship and never said thank you’ll

I don’t find much graciousness in the world.  That’s communism.  The godless lack manners and couth. I’ve been too long among the uncivilized and wish I could be where work and contribution gained respect and unethical little girl abuser bastards whose brains are mush didn’t get to rule. I’d like to see the rot in Denmark removed. I ‘d like to see the old treated better .  

I’m actually rather blessed.  I’ve got sufficient resources . Today is sunny.  Practicing the Presence of God.  This is the day of my life.  Nothing is certain about tomorrow or the next minute. Gratitude. An attitude of gratitude is necessary.  Graciousness begins here. I’m thankful to God for the sun, for the air, for the Cadillac problems for the pain that says I’m alive, for the possibilities, tor the future for the countless blessings. Thank you Lord for Madigan. Thank you for Laura. Thank you for my colleagues. Thank you for my neighbors. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for all the blessings. Thank you for clothes and tech. Thank you for the flowers of spring. Thank you for the little dogs. Thank you for the novels and stories and internet and Netflix.Thank you for work. Thank you for all the positives I take for granted. Thank you for my nephews and great nephews and the god kids. Thank you for piercings and tattoos.  

Thank you Lord Jesus. Guide me and help me find my purpose and meaning again. Show me what it is you want of me at this age.

Spreading the ashes of Gilbert George and Tiffany 

Walking with Laura and Madigan