Gratitude Jan.15 , 2020

Thank you God for light.  Thank you God for breath.  Thank you God for warmth. Thank you for morning.  Thank you for the night’s sleep. Thank you for the dreams that touched me with otherworlds and mystery. Thank you for the mind. Thank you for Gilbert in bed beside me. Thank you for indoor plumbing, running water, hot water, flushing toilets.  Thank you for coffee.  Thank you for grinders and electricity and intricate machines that make the morning brew. Thank you for my rugs. Thank you for the heater. Thank you for this clothing. Thank you for my positive memories.  Those things that spark the mind looking forward. I thought of old friends and little children and knew I was blessed. I reviewed my fears and felt that I didn’t want to live in a fortress of walls and moats. I’m so terribly vulnerable and I live in a dystopia but I continue to trust. Each day I go out on the battlefield and bring back the wounded.  I rally the dying.  I’m in this insane world but I’m doing my bit. Each day.  I pay my way. I guess I do thy will.  I’m bitching and complaining and self pitying and moaning and groaning and whining but I get up and help the next person in the line. Two malaria’s and and a cholera.

There are the elite. These men and women so far above the world with guards and limousines and servants and nannies.  I’m wrong to compare myself with them without comparing myself with the cripple.  Acceptance is the answer but I keep slipping. I struggle with my thoughts. I’m beating on your chest God asking for protection and support and guidance. I want to be safe in an unsafe world, rich in a planet of poverty. I want to be joyful in the malaise and depression of existence. Life is suffering unto death.  Desire is the root of all suffering. My back hurts. My shoulder hurts. My knees hurts. I’m always in pain. The plane crash, the car crash. All these attacks on my being. I was doing nothing wrong and paying attention. Shit happens. Ive been living but Ive not been able to evade the arrogant narcissist going through the red light oblivious to others or the troubles he causes. Now years later the trauma greets me.  Ive got to get through the pain. 

The life long desire to be in the south in winter. I want to run from the snow. I’m reminded of the terrrible cold.  Lost in blizzards. Making fires in woods, waiting out the night, blue.  So many negative memories. I can pull them out like a speed dial.  Dial up despair.

Yet here I am with you.  I’ve meditated sitting cross legged on the floor, listening to my breath, distracted by every sound and every undone thing but there I am making a space for you. Listening on the radio pointed to the inside.  God’s within.  I am the bubble make me the sea. I’m talking to the architect not the wall. Be with me today. Guide me.  

I’m supposed to act with dignity today.  Dignity the new standard that has been thrown at us.  The latest demand for perfection by aa group of hookers, thieves and murderers.  They have the guns and the lies and own the courts and rig the election and propagandize to the children.  Fear mongering.

I’m afraid.  Jesus said Do not be afraid.  I’m always afraid. A perpetual coward, faking it till I make it.  I dont’ want to go to Ninevah. I ve been on the icy roads with every poor driver who hit me out of control. The memories of the 360 degree flying through the air , the idiot speeding on black ice losing control in the passing lane and hitting me. I never knew a car could pitch pole and the driver still live. My divorce wasn’t long after. I’d had another near death experience and couldnt believe I was alive.  The car rolling sideways and righting itself. The self centred drunk and stoned in the morning party animals. I couldn’t get to the clinic that day. The police man took me to the emergency and I was so thankful my friend was on. I was desperately falling apart, my back seizing like its done forever. The incompetent young lawyer. The deceitful insurance company.  I was a week in bed.  I bought an encyclopedia britannica and began to read it.  Drinking scotch and popping T3, every move excruciating.

I have never recovered. Flashback pains in cold weather, the icy roads a reminder. The stoned Prime Minister wanting everyone to be stoned along with him so he can make factories and money and have more jets and nannies. I’m trying to stop them drinking. Trying to stop them drugging. Then yesterday I was asked if I wanted to be a euthanasia doctor.  If thinking about suicide isn’t enough. The government wants me to kill. I surrender we say.  Let me be captain of the artillery. I’ve read a book about mortar’s and gain a whole new respect for tubes. Meanwhile low testosterone is at epidemic proportions in Canada and no ones cares. I’m writing viagra prescriptions and talking to women who are blaming themselves for the mans noodle. The men are crying.  I’m sitting with crying me. The transsexuals are no more happy.

I’m talking to friends who stay as far away from sorrow and fear as they can. They live in little gated communities of the mind and heart and think they are Jesus. 

I write gratitude lists. I send people to anger management. I get asked to talk about anger and struggle to forgive. Forgiveness is not for them as much as it is for me. It’s also we’re all connected. I’m angry at my toe for stubbing itself.  I’m so unenlightened. I’m so dark. I’m carrying the light each day, trying to reduce the pain, trying to cut away as little good flesh. Taking out the old and weak.  I miss the easy days of surgery. I miss delivering babies. I miss the days when my skills with my hands were sought out. I did cut downs in hospital, always go the lumbar punctures and inserted needles in to hearts, swan gauzes and chest tubes and pacemakers. It was all glorious. Now I muck in the mediocre.  

The pain is real. It is all in your head.

“You saying its all in my head.” 

‘If I cut off your head you’d feel more pain?”

Why is the brain and mind and soul so little validated but the body is all the rage.  They want money and more money and more money.  Everyone is poor.  Validate the pain. Blame the world for my pain. But accountability brings power. I am my nemesis.  I can change me but not you. The serenity prayer.  

I drove to work 2 hours commuting.  Duty.  Wanting a pay check.  I had such silly expectations of what it would be like to grow old. Retirement. The promise of all those years of sacrifice. Now they circle like mosquitoes outside the screen. The vampires are coming in the chimney.

I’m grateful.  I need only look at a flower and see the wonder.  I have to focus on the positive and let go of the negative. Ive got to walk on the right side of the street and then I won’t be hit by the cars, mostly.

Ive so many blessing. I have these glorious times walking in the forest by the river with my dog who is happy, blind and old and so content not to be alone .Thank you Lord that I’m not alone. Not in solitary. Not locked in quiet room by the instrument of my rape and terror.  Not injected with anti psychotic medications for telling the truth and shouting ‘j’accuse’.  I’m vindicated. The enemy dies.  Arjuna talks with Krishna. The war goes on.

I buy a little statue of St. Michael as I look back my back trail and see the karma of all who hurt me and wonder why I am afraid.  Why must I get wounded for the squad to come up. I’m walking point and always afraid.  But someone else is walking point right now. I’m here in the warmth and have a royally expensive tank of propane to replace this one that got me through the night. It’s so cold outside. I miss Mexico and the beach.  I miss the glory days. I wallow in grief, suck on the tit of despair. I grieve so much but then I look back and today is the glory day.  Today is now. Now is where god is. If I get into the future I get into fear and if I dwell in the past I gather resentments. Expectation is a preformed resentment.  I’m searching for God, playing hide and seek, minute by minute. Here in the mystery in the game. I’m looking for love in all the wrong place and all the right places.  Life is a poem and I’m a poet. Life is a song and I’m the singer. 

Thank you for the laughter. Especially the laughter at myself.  This too will pass. The end is a grave. All else is vanity.  

Thank you God for the coffee.  Thank you for this body.  10 fingers 10 toes.  Help me make the time for seeing friends.  Help me face my fears and go out on the road.  Help me face my fears and get out of bed. Thank you for my waking today. Thank you for the prospect of a hot shower.  Thank you for the coming of the light. Thank you that we know the sun is returning and we dont have to sacrifice any virgins. We dont have many virgins left Lord so thank you for science and the knowledge of astronomy.  

Thank you for all your blessings. Help me to know you more deeply feel you more fully trust you more truly.  Thank you Lord for this life and this day. May I make the best of it, serve you and my fellow man and woman. May I be a better man today than I was yesterday.  Thank you Lord. 

Jan.3 ,2020

Thank you Lord Jesus for this day in his new year. Thank you for your hope and sacrifice.

Thank you for the light that grows the days longer and the coming of spring.

Thank you for this year and the hope of camping and travel in this great outdoor wonderland of Canada.

Thank you for Gilbert my four legged companion who reminds me what a joy it is to breathe and walk and pee.

Thank you for transportation. Thank you for cars and trucks and motorcycles.

Thank you for clean water and clean air. Thank you for heat and fuel. Thank you for the septic system.  Thank you for home.

Thank you Lord for family and friends and coworkers and acquaintances.

Thank you for coffee and refridgerator and supermarkets and pharmacies and malls.

Thank you for entertainment, Netflix, ITunes, Apple, Amazon and BritBox.

Thank you for books and kindle.

Thank you for creativity and art and the friends who paint and sculpt and make music and write poetry and prose.

Thank you for coffee.

Thank you for today.  

Song for 2020

G

Looking for God and the Holy Spirit

C

Calling for Love in the Name of Jesus

G

Hallelujah

D

Hallelujah

C

Hallelujah

G

Praise the Lord

G

Thank you Lord for the new year coming
C

Thank you Lord for the old year going

Hallelujah.....

Thank you Lord for Dogs and Rifles

Thank you Lord for Motorcycles

Hallelujah......

Thank you Lord for mountain streams

Thank you Lord for air that’s clean

Hallelujah.....

Thank you Lord for laughing children

Thank you Lord for loving women

Hallelujah

Looking for God and the Holy Spirit

Looking for Love in the Name of Jesus

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Praise the Lord.

Love God

I was taught to Love God. I was taught humility in my home. As a child I was taught to kneel beside my bed beside my mother praying to God. God was the parents of parents.  God was Father.  God was Creator. God was Mother. God was All.

Later I would learn the spiritual stories of God. I’d read the Scripture, the Holy Bible, the story of the Western Men and Women’s relationship to God.  I’d later read the Gita, the story of the God Krishna,  I’d read of the Yahweh and Allah and the Abrahamic God. I’d read of primitive peoples and the Golden Bough. I’d read of child sacrifice and killing the king. I ‘d read of cults of mushroom, Peyote, and drugs, then the cults of sex and tantra and all the taboos cults with their inner secrets, so often experiential and secretive. 

I’d study in depth the first 300 years of Christianity. I’d see that the Church would be like a cellular creature dividing, not only in Christianity but in Buddhism and Islam.  Quickly one movement would become 10. Always the traditional would then war with the latest ‘anti traditional’.  They’d have the fanciest names.  It was always us and them.  The war was always among men to get you to agree with me. The old paranoid tribal chant. « You’re with me or a gin me.’  We are a religion of peace, only if you become Muslim.  We have the one God. We are the True Christian Church. We’re the only ‘right’ Buddhist teaching. We are only path. We are the one. Me first.  I am the prophet of all Gods. I’m the prophet of one God.  

People are funny.

Religion is made by people out of the god stuff of Spirituality.  Spirituality is about the Holy Spirit.  The second person of the Holy Trinity of Christ. The most basic idea is that there is an unseen world. Nature spirits and superstition.  Freud’s unconscious. 

The plants will grow only if you don’t have sex on Sunday.  The fear of this food or that clothing. It was everywhere.  You knew your tribe by the fears and superstitions.   You had to cut your hair in just this way. The penis was cut in this way. The Labia that way  If you were with us you had your patch that way. If you were agin us you had your triangle pointed up or down depending on whether or not you ate the placenta or were vegetarian. 

It’s truly bizarre.
Don’t criticize my dreidel and I won’t criticize your cross.  There was the war of weapons and the war of words. All over the world the war of religions went on.  

Then finally the best religion of all was the Trojan Horse religion calling itself Aetheism. We are the ‘No God’ religion and the Communists arose with their red colour and new rituals and their Trinity of Lenin, Mao and Marx.  Kill the ‘God’ people because we’re the « No God’ people . The Philosophers fought the Theologians and the Red hats slayed the white hats and aborted all their babies. The elites kept their babies and even created child sex cults in Brussels to play  with the babies of Catholics whose babies lived only because they were not being aborted..  

No God Religion with new or words and new old rituals fought the God Religions with Old new words and Old new  rituals. Separation of Mosque and State never occured.  The State had it’s State Religion and called them Chinese Churches.  The No God religion let in the God Religion and the Religion of no Separation of Church and State spread in the Religion of Acceptance, tolerance  and love.  The religion of the head in the sand.  While the nature spirit religion joined with the no God religion and they all got angry when you called their obsession God because they now used new term Culture, the culture religion fought the fashion religion.  Then the Secularists were the Aetheists in disguise when originally the secularists were for all God religion.  Pantheism and One God. The names changed faster than hockey teams.   

Only the children got confused with the names.  Vegas was Vegas whether it was Brussels or Dubai. 

The No God religion liked to propagandize the children like the God religion did. They all used the children for food and cannon fodder and propaganda movies.

It was ridiculous. It was all just absurd!

It was so human and adolescent. The Fuck God cult versus the Fuck No God Cult.  The idols of money and power and the planet. Save the goat in the Honduras. Help the spotted owl in the Congo.  Whose going to care for the homeless. I’m the Goddess of Fashion. Dress like me. Speak French like I do.  Drive a BMW,  Vegetarianism or insect eating .  Sex dolls.

It’s all such Silliness. God is a comedian.  The No God Religion has outlawed comedy as hate speech. 

Today it’s Christmas.  A baby was born.  The birth of Christ.  God came to see and live his creation.

Jesus, a God Spy.  

Jesus thought childhood was okay despite the constant attempts by the Big Man /Big Woman to kill his parents.  His friend John was beheaded by the Big Woman. The Big Woman just got the Little man to do her will. The Big Man killed babies.  But he didn’t Kill Jesus.

Arjuna asked Krishna why go to War.  Why not. The war will go on with or without you.
Buddha said « Desire is suffering ».

Killing women and children is easier than killing men.  It’s a major embarrassment if a Big Man can’t kill a little child.  Jesus lived.  

Jesus taught love.  The Big Man/Big Woman, the No God, and many Gods, Power and Money Gods, , really , everyone , they all killed Jesus.  But not as a child.  He was lucky. Today he’d be aborted.
But he made it to being a young man before they got him.  He fooled them. For awhile. It was all God’s plan, story,script.

The oldest law of the world is the Chines law of the Fish. There are big fish and little fish and the little fish must be fast and numerous.  

Jesus was killed as a young man.  Crucified.  But then he  resurrected.  Unlike today  they couldn’t censor the tv and internet in those days so the word got out. This world of money and power and big men and women,  No God and Idols, couldn’t stop the Gospel, the Good News. The word got out.

The Gospel spread.  The Holy Bible said the Baby Jesus resurrected. There was life after death. There was Good and Evil. God’s law said don’t fuck the children.  There is a God And God’s law. It’s not seen. It’s inside. It’s all creation. It’s here and now.  

Love God.  Love your neighbour as yourself.

Today is Christmas.  It’s not No God day. It’s not Santa day. It’s not Muslim day or Pagan day or Lenin Day or Mao day or Money day or shopping day or whiskey day. It’s the Birth of Christ. It’s the Birth of the one who said Love God and Love Your Neighbour as Yourself. So the Big Man and Big Woman Killed him along with all the people who couldn’t put Humpty Together . God Creates. Good m’en and women create. Bad boys and girls destroy.  The Creator came to earth and we killed him.

 I killed him. You killed him. We killed him  There’s only Now. Time is the illusion of mind. On this  day of the Birth of Jesus there was the Crucifixion and the Death of Jesus and the Resurrection of Jesus and God.  It’s all in the seed.  The idea of Love. 

Love God and Love your Neighbour as Yourself.

Love God and Love your Neighbour as Yourself

Love God and Love your Neighbour as Yourself.

That’s what Baby Jesus is all about. It will probably get you killed. you won’t be popular.  The nations of the world, all the United Nations,all the Prime Ministers and Presidents,Politburoes ,Priests ,No God Cults,Climate Change Cults , Drug Cults, Herb Cults, Nature Spirit  cults, Culture Cults, fuck baby cults and Kings and Queens aren’t going to much like you.  They’ll fake it.  Big people aren’t known for their humility.   

Jesus Christ is Lord.

Love God and Love your Neighbour as Yourself.

Today a Baby is Born.  

Angry at God

I was fascinated to hear a Christian say, « I don’t know I’m angry at God. ».

I said « Jesus was angry at God » 

« Jesus can’t be angry at God. »

‘What about Eli Eli Lema Sabachtani. ‘My God, My God why hast thou forsaken me?

Jesus taught « Do not be afraid »  Love and fear are opposites but anger is fear in ‘fight versus flight’ mode.  That’s the simplest division. The experience of abandonment is grief.

Jesus was angry at the money lenders. But when Jesus was on the cross, if he was suffering, he was ‘doing God’s will’.  Being obedient to God’s will doesn’t mean I’m ‘happy happy happy’. Jonah was angry.  Grief and suffering go hand in hand.

The ‘stages of grief described by Elizabeth Kuala Ross include ‘anger’.  Anger is a natural state.  Things can cause me to be angry but if I hold onto my anger then I can become resentful. The Bible is clear that we shouldn’t hold onto anger but it doesn’t deny anger is human. Holding onto anger or nurturing anger will turn one bitter.

 Jesus was ‘son of man’.  HE was all human. And all God. If he was just a God then he really wouldn’t have ‘suffered.  To be human is to have the full experience of humanity.  The whole issue of the nature of Jesus resulted in the Athanasian Creed and the Hypostatic Union of Jesus, perfectly divine and perfectly human, not a chimera and not a duality, but one.  One person of the trinity.

So I imagine if I’m a man of human nature on the cross doing the will of God but dying slowly in the most horrid pain, I’d feel ‘anger at God’ knowing that God’s perfect love but at that moment of sever pain feeling abandoned . I may know God will not reject me but I am human. Jesus was human even if there are those who would reduce him to an idol.

Today ‘Why have you forsaken me, “while it might remind us of an earlier psalm, might well be said in the vernacular of today, ‘fuck you God.  Indeed there is a movement by this name and a major controversy. People leave the church and no one question if they are angry. People are afraid of anger in themselves and others. 

In psychiatry, in ‘somatic depression’ or the ‘somatic sympton disorder,’ we think of pain as clothed in grelief and fear and anger. Abraham saw depression as ‘anger turned inward’.  Pain is by extension anger turned inward. Somatization and conversion disorder are pain or other physical symptom like fatigue as well, understood to be a mental disorder, not denying the ‘pain’ any more than one would deny the excruciating pain of ‘phantom limb pain’ but recognizing the materialistic error is in the brain, or the biopsycosocial error is in the ‘mind’.  It’s not simply  a ‘brain’ disease perse but a ‘mind disease’as well.

Anxiety is said to be the measure of one’s distance from God as well as a measure of one’s humanity.

It helps one see ‘suicidal thinking’ as ‘anger turned inward””’  more clearly and understand the ‘seriousiuslness of ‘emotional pain’.  Emotional pain can be deadly.

In ‘communication psychiatry’. Everything is sen as ‘communication’. Cancer is seen as ‘that which can be said in on other way ».

The idea therapeutically in psychosomatic medicine is to look for a new and different approach when conventional therapy fails.  If the door handle turned doesn’t open the door , turn the door handle in the other direction.  

Phillips wrote the sweet little classic, « your God is too small ».  

The God of Love is big enough to take all your anger and all your pain.  God doesn’t reject man.  The devil was said to have turned his back on God because he’d rather watch his shadow than look into God’s light.  

Aliénation and isolation are précurseurs for suicide .  Dehumanization and the feeling of being unloved, alone and rejected.  It’s fundamental to survivalhaving purpose as Man’s Search for Meaning showed.  We die most from ‘neglect’

Jesus was foul  mouthed and ill mannered with friends in low and high places. Inhis day and associated with the improper. Today the contemporary ‘cross’ might well be an ‘electrocution chair’, a ‘guillotine’ or a ‘noose.’ We have a Fondness for the symbolism of the museum Christianity and ‘cobweb Christianity’ as seen in the sentiment some view the ‘cross .’ But it can cause us to overlook the ideas of Jesus today.  Christ’s value is not as a ‘myth’ or ‘teaching story’ alone but as a ‘relationship today’.  If I get angry and my friend leaves me , Do I really have a friend in Jesus.  

All adolescents in their relationships with their parents go through this phase.  Today most Christians are unprepared for this adolescent phase of their spiritual relationship which is no surprise when the church seems unwilling to engage at the point of  ‘anger’, especially anger at God.  Rejection of God.  

Ultimately this is tied to suicide and addiction and pain. 

If it’s not the Cross then what is Glad Gethsemane. And why would Kierkegaard say Life is suffering unto death if was he not referring to pain and the burden of life, expulsion from Eden and loss of innoscence.

Anti authoritarian, bitchy and whining

I’m feeling guilty because I don’t like my immature negative anti authoritarian self. I’m bitchy and whiny. I am filled with self pity. I get angry. I’m judgemental. I have these character flaws and they spill over mostly in terrible generalizations against government and law courts and burocracy. Meanwhile I know that the vast majority of people are mostly good. I know that if the government, judges and bureaurcrats were poor and powerless I’d not malign them. It’s envy and immaturity that drives this terrible tendency within me.

Yes I’ve been hurt. Yes I’ve been falsely accused and abused and individuals in authority have been corrupt and ignorant and frankly the worst wankers, evil individuals.  But that in no way justifies my tendency to lump them together and do no better in return.  

My aunt said, « if you don’t have anything good to say about a person it’s best to be silent. ‘ When she died we all commented at the funeral on my saintly Aunt’s not having maligned anyone that we knew. She was a Christian and believed judgement was the lord. She was also one of the most gentle sophisticated well mannered people I knew.

I won’t be remembered as such.

I do apologize for all those generalizations and ill considered remarks. I’m especially mean to bureaucrats and administration in health care which is totally unfair as the majority, really, the majority I’ve known have been great. So because a very few have been the genetic errors doesn’t justify my disparagement of the group.  Just because you believe in Climate Change or belong to the Liberal Party of Canada doesn’t mean you need supervised visits with children. 

 There are some people I would say shouldn’t be left alone with farm animals but that is unfair to say this of whole groups of people.  I once belonged to the Liberal Party of Canada and indeed spoke highly of Pierre Trudeau when I was so young and stupid politically that I didn’t appreciate the wisdom of my parents who had great disdain for the communist who was intent on ruining the Canada they loved. I have Liberal friends and they really are great people. Admittedly I prefer the company of the convention stereotypically stigmatized in general but it’s unfair to suggest people who belong to a political party shouldn’t be allowed to drive trucks.

There is a need for tolerance.  Just because a person is pedophile doesn’t mean he can’t drive a truck. He just needs to be kept away from children.  

I am sorry that I am so ascerbic and think that I am witty when I am just being ignorant and mean spirited. Dressing negativity up in clean clothes doesn’t make it less dirty.  I criticize PC as the ‘false belief you can pick up a tourd by the clean end’ but then I go off doing the same thing in the opposite direction.

I’m sorry. It’s not enough to say one is sorry. It requires change in action.  I admit wrong but I don’t know how successful I will be in changing my own intolerance and malicious wit.  The first step is admission of fault.  Now I’m attempt to move forward.  

I believe spirituality is perception.  I need to build my friends up more than tear down my enemies.  CJOB had a morning radio show my parents listened to in the home each morning when I was growing up. It was called ‘Beefs and Bouguets. ». I need to focus more on the bouquet.  Everyone can be bitter and critical.  We need more people to be positive.

I have to look for the positive. I have to focus on an Attitude of Gratitude. 

I know I give myself this this little talk every few months and say ‘some are sicker than others’. I view those who appear ‘evil’ as sick but still I’m not as kind to the sick as I could be and should be.  

I had a great walk with Gilbert today. I just finished reading Katherine’s Diary, a fascinating Australian auto biography of an early famousTransgendered person, a College Librarian who’d served in the Navy and HD 3 children and 24 years of fairly positive marriage before transitioning. 

 I roasted Ethiopian Coffee, had some cups. Had a whole lot planned to do and believe there are things that ‘need’ to be done. I’d intended to go out and do some visits and there was shopping to do but instead I lay on the couch reading, walked Gilbert and read. Exercised and meditated. Journaled and read. .  I love days when I read and drink coffee and literally escape into one of my favourite past times.

I worked last week. My cough has all but subsided. I’ve continued to take care of business, catching up and doing the next right thing.. It’s been a stress getting back into the swing of things after being away. I’m prepared for Christmas. 

I loved being out with the Doc Side crew. Loved Dr. Horvath taking us all out for dinner at the Moxie. I loved talking to Robert. I loved seeing David. It was great to see Jerry, Judith and Mary Lou and meet agin our newest addition. ? Jazz. Dr. Horvath is a mensch.  

I loved today not driving. I loved not facing traffic. I had thought all afternoon about taking out my motorcycle but I enjoyed the warm and the coffee, my own washroom, my own little monks cell. Gilbert Enjoyed  having me toss the ball for him.  I shaved and showered and even intended to go swimming. I have errands and tasks to do but it all got set aside as I enjoyed the day alone and in comfort so grateful for this reprieve.  Thank you. 

I prayed and meditated considering the nature of this universe, the names of God, my place in. As Bernie would say « Holy Pirit Come ».

Morning December

I don’t know why I woke up at 3 30 am.  It’s a favourite time for wakening.  Usually, when I do, I pee and go back to sleep.  Last night I didn’t. My dreams were fond, my brother and I by the lake.  Hiking.  Often I dream of people who have passed. The other world seeming closer. Other times I dream of the special peninsula where there’s a kind of spiritual gathering.  I’m thankful for the positive dreams, the messages from beside or from insider. The dream , the royal road to the the unconscious or the overlap with a parallel universe in the multiverse.

I tried to go back to sleep and just kept wakening. This happens but rarely. I looked at FB and then read the western I was reading. Then I downloaded a spiritual text and got distracted by the division in the church described so headed over to Safari to look for a discussion of this division. All spiritual and secular organizations have their divisions and these are more interesting now.  It’s amazing how anything stays together given ego and divisiveness. Herding people like herding cats.  So much for sheep.

I’m waiting a bit to die. Wondering what to do when I grow up.  Have a lifetime to reflect on , have ambivalent thoughts about how I’ve used my time on this earth.  What I’ve taken pride in now causes me wonder.  

I see the leadership do the exact opposite of what we are given to believe. Like a soldier who gets a bravery medal from a cowardly leader, I feel I’m in a similar situation. I have to assess my own life in the light of wisdom.  My father told me, never volunteer. I volunteered. I put myself forward.  I was transparent. I sacrificed. I served.  Now I learn that ‘every man for himself’ and ‘survival of the fittest’ are the measurements today.  I look at the words and actions of people and see a tremendous incongruence.

I consider my own insecurity.  

I increasingly don’t know, go through the motion. Read the words ‘anguishing monotony’ in relation to the world. Meanwhile I was enjoying the ‘routine’ and ‘mediocre’, tired of others drama and even weary of my own. Escape. Participate.

Virtue of necessity.

i care for Gilbert, a blind dog with an injured back.  It’s reason to live. That and a plant by the sink I just watered again today.  Family, friends and all else seem fine but not enough to stop me from beaming up if I was called upon to join the Rapture or save the intergalactic universes from invasion by Vorgon Borg Communist Bureaurcrats, a kind of slug creature with endless hot air and a fascination with covering their anus while walking about ignorant of the exposure of their minute misshapen genitalia.
I’ve no reason recently to ride a white stallion with armor which would have to be very light and not cause me any more concern with gravity.  Aging is not for the youth.  

I’m grateful and thankful but feel I’m just going through the motions. I did exercises today. Ate breakfast will dress and be the ‘good boy’. Working for the bad boy.  Looking at the bad girl on the cover of Time.  It’s the rain and darkness.

I feel invigorated by the sun.  I am a different person once I suit up. I’ve shaving and showering to do and then will rise to the occasion of the day.  I don’t feel tired just a bit despondent. It’s always better as I go through the motion despite the desire to return to bed. I have no really better alternative.

I am in God’s waiting room. Thy will be done not my will.  Maybe the second cup of coffee will be inspiring. There’s a certain lack of inspiration, a lack of variety, an ennui.  I feel disconnected. I have this at times. The derealizations and depersonalizations.  The knowledge that escape has never worked and the Borg seem always overpowering. City Hall with all it’s men that can’t put humpty together again.

It’s glorious really. This season. Waiting on the coming of the king.  The baby Jesus.  

I’m in the dying day and light of the year. A cold full moon promised today.  I’d rather be walking naked on a beach in the south looking back at my boat anchored in harbour dreaming of mermaids and friendly aliens from distant worlds.  

Thank you Lord for the flowers and colours.  The coffee and ice creams and chocolate were a special treat. The girls were pretty. The men strong. The.dogs such a wonder and the cats so much entertainment.  It’s Christmas season.  There needs to be bonfire and lovers who leap across the fires now not waiting till the spring solstice.  I remember standing about fires in parkas outside igloos. The northern lights were beatuful ,better than tv.  Like classical music. The skies royal symphony.  Thank you Jesus.