There’s the washroom experience. In this one I’ve tried to flush my pants down the toilet full of shit and found that they clogged the toilet. I have to pull them out and this time they flush but then I worry about whether they clogg the pipes and a detective plumber finds something that identifies me in the pocket. I was five when I had the ‘accidnt’ at the park. My brother rushed me to the bathrooms only to have them locked. I had explosive diarrhea.I tried to pull my pants down but filled my drawers. There was nothing to clan up. I was crying. My brother 4 years over was overwhelmed. Back at the car Mom had a blanket or something. I got home and she put me in the bath in my clothes and undressed me in the bath shit floating in the water. It was an ordeal to get it all off me. So there was that again, a recurring nightmare, images of a 5 year old child, covered in shit.
After I left the lecture I hooked up with a colleague who I’d known for years. A great guy. Very tall. I looked up to him. He said he had to go to office. It was just around the corner from the conference hall. Now we were in the southern US, maybe Louisiana. He opened his door to a vast office , the most beautiful you could imagine with Persian carpets and inlaid wood furniture. Graeat leather couch against one wall. A large table that could sit 8.. His secretary had an open area desk. There were exquisite paintings on he wall. Everything so tasteful I loved the office especially the patterned inlaid furniture. It obviously reminded me of the offices I had on Broadway and Carroll yet perfect. I was aiming for this idea but my office were tiny by comparison. Nonetheless I loved my offices.
His secretary offered me a drink and I took it, drinking this glass of red fluid like water and not even tasting it. I was thirsty but when I went for another sip I said, “this is wine. I haven’t had a drink in 26 years.”
My colleague said, “You didn’t know. I once had a beer and I didn’t know. It’s not like you got high or drunk. It happens,”
I love his casual acceptance of the human condition and progress not perfection but I was there thinking how I’d been on a workation and not to meetings. I’d had doubts about AA and found myself doubting the whole abstinenc movement , a friend doubting the continuous sobriety issue, the early drunks , down and otters, more of us getting help earlier, before, physical illness, and loss of family and work, the superiority of treatment, the harm reduction movement. I saw that people really benefited from 5 years abstinence but brains and bodies heal. I felt the worm turning in me, that desire to drink like a gentleman. I have friends old like me with admirable lives, maybe a glass of wine wouldn’t hurt but I know myself I do’t want to ‘hold hands with a nun’ , I say, “I want to orgy with the whore’. Some of that dancing with the devil comes to mind
It was a using dream and I was thoroughly delighted to wake up sober. I was really happy really happy it was a dream. It was so real , the envy I had for the office, the thought that I’ve been ‘reduced’ in sobriety, I’d been a millionaire, before sobriety, I’d had that greart ‘classy’ office but it was alcohol and marijuana and the lower companions and my thoroughly insane partner with her cocaine and depressions that I forget about. The great office came with chaos and insaniety. That upper class life had this under current of white collar criminals and decadence. I miss the scholarship. I’m enjoying my work in my virtual office with lots of tech problems I’m slowly overcoming. I’m doing G.O.D. Good orderly direction. I’m moving forward . I’m blessed with this week by Logan Lake and this weekend in Sunshine Valley. It’s what I love. I love the caravan existence. I loved living on the boat and outfitting it and sailing across the ocean. I have loved my life in sobriety. I’v loved my friends. I look forward to talking with George about my using dream. He’ll have insights from his long term experience. I look forward to the meeting this week. That always reminds me. I looked at my friends glorious office as I looked at another friends house. This weekend I rode by the cabins and thought of another road not taken They’re a half million today and I envied that world but I’ve just enjoyed it a lot more in my camper with my dog and all the amenities. I see these ‘things’ , these lovely places and I ‘d like to visit and maybe even stay for a while but the house I always miss is my first one, the one my dad helped me buy in Winnipeg, and how my ex wife had loved it till her sister got a bigger one and she said we’d need a bigger one but I said after we had children but she looked away and never seemed to want her own children and I’d thought the extra room I was going to make into a library and an office could go to a nursery but it never got that far. I built and office in the basement and it was fine, a lovely space, efficient, then that room remained empty and the whole dream went up in flames.
I’ve left wealth and elegance several times for truth and god and perhaps just adventure. My life has been an adventure. That’s the world I use. For years it was a ‘struggle’.
I’m a healing, a natural, a shaman, warrior. I have this collection of skills the anxiety celts Druid warriors had. I have this healing skill, I am welcomed all over the world by other healers, naturals. I have had the good fortune to have these skills and been included in a profession based on that. The profession honed the skills like a warrior who becomss a navy seal. The selection selected me with these traits, the desire to heal, the preference for life and the ability to kill as well as deliver babied. A lot of effete folk think that they can ‘commne’ and ‘intellectualize’ but that’s not manifestation. You got to get your hands dirty . You walk a mile in their footsteps. You can’t play the ‘administrator doctor’ game ‘obderving’ from on high. The space station folk who write stories of themselves and make up narratives. My feet hurt in their moccasins but I find them in the tunnels of insaniety and lead them back. They trust me because I’m half insane. I’m not untouched by listening hours upon hours to the devil or the insane. I’ve lived in he dark and come back to the light. I’d thought I’d be retired by now and could write books looking at my ‘gold watch’. I see a lot of union people about and know my family had their government pensions and did the easy lifting but bit their tongues and had patience. I had government jobs and left them. I was in the regular army but chose the scouts. I remained a community doctor and had my own business. I did well and served in the area of ‘greatest need’. I really did. I still am but mostly now I’m not independent but rather a cog in the machine. I’m serving as I could of all those years not focussed on the outcome but just doing the motions with good intentions.
I continue to serve. If I won the lottery I might do different. I don’t even buy lottery tickets since I’m rather pleased with this deal I’ve the perfect set up with this camper and the motorcycle on the front. I love the caravan. I love these full service sites. All that I need to do is train to pull the fifth wheel which would provide luxury. I can do that taking lessons and move my whole home. This is just the cabin and I return to the base camp. Maybe next summer I’ll move to a higher level, a bigger load. Right now I’m really happy with this especially with the communication of star link
I was totally moved by the book Congo and loved all the tech in that exploration and now I’m past this now. That best of the best available to the richest corporations and government of the time as written by the authori of Jurssaic Park is right here. I don’t have the military hardware but I do have a semi auto 22 . It was a 22 as a child that I first used that gave me confidence. My brother told me he’d always had a 22. It was sthe Mossad weapon of choic for assasination, My brother and I received marksman awards in our teens. I really was blessed as child with the parents and home I lived in, It really was awesome. I ve been polluted by society to focus on the negatives rather than see the positives. Self pity and catastrophising and now ‘trauma’ have all been intellectualize. I was blessed.
I was so thankful to attend that first early morning meeting with Hal Marley Attitude of Gratitude. It’s what I aspire too. I’m going to have another coffee or get right to packing up. It’s been a great week of healing. Pride parade was this weekend and I’ve been wearing skirts and blouses all week. It’s a shaman thing. Twin spirit but not in the biblical sense but rather in the older tribal sense of synchronicity and God. I’m God man as much as Animal Man. The latter is so popular with the barbarian communists who masqurafe dictatorship for the peoples. Trudeau’s wife Sophie openly separated this weekend and the best joke was the rest of Canada wants to divorce him along with Sophie. It’s apparently another affair but my bet is on the Epstein list and drugs . Sophie’s like a rat escaping a sinking ship and no doubt they’re both parents who want to see the best for their children the way elites do.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment