It’s fall and yesterday I prepared for hunting ensuring I had all the components I needed. All that remains to be seen is whether my truck will be ready by Wednesday or Thursday. It will be but my anxiety relates to the times in the past, when 1) my ex wife and I after horrendously stressful hard work had to wait days for our sailboat to be ready because the workers had slacked off. They were sociopaths we would learn and their modus opera di was to do this sort of thing to create drama and crisis so they would gain praise for a late completion and be begged as errant children to come to the table for dinner while the whole caste waited. Yet I remember we were going to sell the sailboat then rather than be dependent on unconscionable marine workers. I remember being furious that as two doctors we gave first world medicine but got got third world service in return . Now I look back and associate that time with smoking marijuania and being preyed upon as doctors, a recurring theme of the lower classes and Marxist mentality. Meanwhile we did get away and did desolation sound and kept the sailboat. I consider it would have been a different life if we’d sold the boat and gone on a cruise. Today I said “G.O.D.” Good Orderly Direction and appreciate when I’m in the Flow and Go is good all of the time.
2). The other time was when we had friends paint the interior of the house with 2 weeks to the do the job and finishing the night we arrived home. It was obvious that they wanted to be ‘seen’ to have done the work. So many work to praise and want to be present for this in addition to the pay. I just wanted to sleep the night before return to work and the demand and stress of an unforgiving job that insisted on perfectionism. Our government always demanded that while surgeons were collectively working under a 25 watt light bulb. The political beauroacratic structure labelled under the delusion they were great when all they were was loyal to the leadership. The doctors were and are great but the licensing system keeps them trapped in inferior settings on b teams rather than people freely moving to best reward. I’ve stayed so in the end it’s been worth it and the house was painted and I stopped drinking and marrying women who drank and did drugs and being around people who drank and did drugs with the result that life improved. The experience with the Frazer RV was another example but they really did seem stoned and sociopathic , a reminder of that lack of accountability. I’m less dependent today and thankful for choices. I’m blessed to know people who are the best advisors.
Now I’m concerned about my fear and identification with the aggressor. Worrying is wicked and it is a prayer for negatives as God focuses not so much on the positive or negative but rather the attachment . I’m attached to my catastrophising so by the law of attraction I attract catastrophe. I am moving more to gratitude. I’m thankful for this life of recovery. I
The College told me being a doctor was ‘just a job’ ……I had responded ‘but to me it’s a calling and a profession’. ‘It’s just a job.’
And I realized then that the government, now communist, worshipping the religions of aetheism, was stealing as communists do, taking all the good and Nobel and sacred for their self centered nefarious aims and not paying what was due. In return they provided shit and low grade management and generally a system where the people want to escape and find they are slaves. I’d felt a slave and now wonder about moving. I see the doctors coming from countries where the leadership is corrupted and they do ‘everything for themselves’ and the new young doctors are ‘working to order’, I loved that a group of doctors wanted to rejected the corrupted government and college in Ontario and join the Teamster Union because government wasn’t acting in good faith or accepting arbitration. Now I think of myself in recovery and trying to live a spiritual life and be ‘kind’ and compare that to the jail where sociopaths are among their own. The government and college don’t want people like themselves or a system that works as a heartless automatism. When they are sick they want ‘care’. Lawyers and Doctors are opposite ends of a spectrum in that sense . The church and state killed God. Steal and little and they put you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king. I suffer all those things we talk of imposter syndrome, alieness. I’m wondering if in the inclusive group I will feel more apart of but then I don’t want to be on the losing team. I also believe Jesus and Buddha and all the saints of all religions are waiting for the last man to pass through. So as its not a race and I can’t get to heaven faster than someone else then participating in this world is not the only way. The way of tantra is not stoicism and avoidance my go to place. Today I address addiction as attachment and I’m not to look for God in the wall but what of sacrifice and what of joy. This life is a gift should I turn away or see the God in all manifestations and embrace the dance. Playing hide and seek with God . I’m wondering about attending WPATH conference and wondering if I felt the same to gender dysphoria as I felt to those who did drugs and alcohol. I’m reflecting on sex addiction and looking at the deadly sins, gluttony, pride, envy and jealousy, anger, and lust. I play whack a moll with them addressing one as the other pops it’s head. The fact remains that only god can relieve me of the bondage of self and the character defects I ‘d like to lose but don’t know if I can focus solely on the light. I’m so easily distracted. This too will pass. ODAAT.
All shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.
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