Last night I barbecued Costco steaks with potatoes and Brussels sprouts. A terrific meal enjoyed by Madigan , Laura and me. We watched Matrix Ressurection . My thoughts create my life and group thought creates reality. The power of propaganda. The blue pill for the state elite reality, we’re just slave batteries providing the machine energy. The red pill we are ‘free’. I loved the first Matrix. This is the fourth. I loved that it was co-opted as a ‘video game’. Corporate consumer reframing. Love will set us free. I love the romance era. All you need is love.
Laura and I did a run to Bosley’s with Madigan. We’re looking for his favourite food and getting toys we can leave with him when we go away. I’ve got a new bed and he immediately lay down on it knowing it was his. So far he hasn’t chewed it. I love hearing that Molly Laura’s sister’s dog is a chewer. I look at my dog like parents look at kids and blame themselves for their misbehaviour. The only bad company he keeps is me.
I’ve been liking my home. Bigger than my boat. With better amenities. I lost water in the winter months when the dock lines would freeze and I’d shower at work to conserve water. Winter now is looking like the worst is past. I found it a hard winter with covid. The pool and hot tub was restricted and that was tough given the hot tub is such a source of comfort for my back and swimming my favourite exercise after walking. We certain do a lot of river walking here. But Madigan and I found more unsavoury types were in the woods and mostly I walked around the park. This was good because Madigan and my friends were doing that to so we’d have these marvellous outings and talks with other guys while their little dogs strutted with the power of the pack.
I did go through a bit in December with anxiety about aging and immobility but thanks to Dr. Reddy the chiropractor I got over that hump with hope and a little more flexibility and less pain. I remember a similar time when I got the hanging upside down contraption. It’s all psychosomatic and I feel like such a whiner. Self pity. Anger turned inward.
Work has been disheartening with so many people having social problems rather than bio psycho problems. The problems are of government and world and so many are just old or marginal and inflation hurts them most.
I’ve chosen the path that seemed most ‘needed’ and what ‘God’ wanted and not gone for the ‘big bucks’. Others don’t have the opportunity to turn their back on millions yet I have on several occasions. Now I wonder. I’m working and can so easily fall into the trap of comparing. When my friend Peter headed down to Palm Springs I knew I could retire and do the same but no I continue to work because I can.
Laura works for a doctor who keeps working and I kind of think of being in no rush to change because I imagine travelling south in the RV with Laura. Other days I think of a sex change, or at least breasts and a face lift and wardrobe and Travels with Madigan or Girl like Me riding off into the sunset to be a travel writer. I don’t know if I need the transgender shift since in the tropics I’m happy living in Sarong or shorts. With Laura I’m content muddling along even with the prospect of being the old man. We’ll be travelling together for a month and I just enjoy ‘us’. Yet with the abuse that arose in marriage and dealing with the family insanity having no place to escape for the incessant demands of work and home I fear ever being devoured again. “I gave her my heart but she wanted my soul’,, the immortal lines of Dylan always come back to me another time.
Today I live in the day. I know that when I feel anxious it’s because I’m slipping into future thinking and if I’m feeling self pity I’m selectively extracting the negatives from my memory,.
I’ve had an amazing life. I was so blessed with loving caring parents. I was gifted but the school I attended only hurt me so much compared to other gifted children I knew. I was able to learn a lot and had great teachers and the principal not really that bad. I’ve know far worse administrators especially the lying psychopath hospital administrator and the government health care sociopath administrator. By contrast I was blessed to have Dr. Jack Hildes, Dr. Nady el Guebaly, Dr. Bebchuck as amazing doctors and administrators. I even loved working with the psychiatrist Dr. Brown. So when I’m honest my mind goes to the amazing men and mentors I’ve know like Dr. James Houston, Dr. Phillip Ney, men who had run schools, a chancellor and yet good through and through. When I have misgivings about the leadership and what rises to the top and Peter Principle I can reflect more truly on the likes of Dr. Carl Ridd being a good man and having a senior position. That I didn’t survive the beurocracy was because I didn’t tolerate killing near me. I have stopped a dozen rapes and domestic violence in the community by rushing to assist when I was younger. Older I don’t presume I am needed. A half dozen plane flights I had to save a life but only after I waited for no other doctor to step forward when the attendants called for a doctor. I remember I rushed forward to volunteer as a young intern. I was such a ‘do gooder’ and super hero and would have gladly walked away from the man who died because the head of psychiatry made the decision. But when he lied and said he’d not been there and that I’d made the call, I was thankful I’d copied the notes showing it was his order that caused the death not mine. But the other doctors who looked the other way always remained memorable. I ‘ve know colleagues who were intelligent and others who were cowards and stupid and worse liars. I put my life and reputation and career on the line over and over again to protect patients who never knew the forces of evil they were facing. It’s a weird legacy and I too often focus on the bad guy. The night the hospital administrator wanted me to disconnect my patient so he’d die, screaming at me. Well he called in the head of medicine and the head of medicine backed me and came in at 4 am to tell the hospital administrator that Dr. Hay was doing the ‘right thing’. Dr . Gutowski did his best to protect me from the quite evil forces that took my ex in her addiction.
I’ve learned a lot but rather than focus on the positive I’ve a mental illness , broken search engine that pulls up the terror first. I was only held hostage once but that’s where my mind goes. Identification with the aggressor. The Winnipeg Police who came to my assistance aren’t where my mind goes but rather to the threats and fears. I survived. I thrived and I wasn’t alone.
Yet my mind doesn’t reflect on all the good times and good people. Like the divorced people who dwell on their ex’s at the end and forget the early days and often years of joy. My ex’s were like that, literally years of bliss then something changed and neither of us did the maintenance. If you want to know why a marriage breaks up it’s almost certain that people stopped doing the annual repairs and the explanation can be found in the final year. All the negatives we put up with in relationships just one day become the point at which we decide to stop throwing good money after bad. I almost feel guilty if I dwelling on the great passion and kinky sex I had in dating and early marriage, marvellous lustful times of great joy and the wonderful feeling of love and belonging.
I would have a google that brings forth all the good times first. I’d like to see my mother and father smiling. I remember them laughing camping.I remember my brother and I bicycling. Such good times. I loved my brother making me grilled cheese sandwich when he was left to care for me , my parents gone out. I thought he was so brilliant because I couldn’t even be trusted then to work the stove let alone make a wonderful creation like a grilled cheese sandwich. I love remembering my mom patiently untangling my fishing lines or knitting socks. The wagon wheel stories and hockey days are wonderful
I loved playing at recess with the girls and boys, canoeing at scout camp and the YMCA. It’s a wonderful story. I’m so blessed and so thankful today.
Madigan is lying outside the bathroom whining and grumpy that Laura is in side having her bath and shower and not including him. It’s a joy to see those two interact. She treats him like a kid, distracting him when he’s up to mischievous. I’m like my father, loud commanding. It’s hilarious our dog family.
I am so blessed. I have sat in nature and church and been touched by the Holy Spirit feeling as if I would burst with the joy. Meditating hours I’ve felt such peace. I used to run and climb mountains. Sailing oceans. All the images are there in my mind, great swaths of joy and blessing and I’ve search engine that takes me to a petty resentment or a time I was done wrong, the old tribal Celtic revenge porn memory fault. Today I’d sing the body electric. I loved the beauty of the fog in the park . It’s still there the naked trees softened by the fog as it filters the light and blurs the vision.
Thank you Jesus for this day. Thank you God of Gods. Thank you Lord of Lords.
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