Psychic Energy

Mere weeks ago I felt that I was raw, vulnerable, depleted.  Every human interaction carried a huge toll. The darkness, the lying news, the lying politicians, the demanding work was wearing me down.  I’ve been praying but feeling further away from God though I know God is with me always. I’m a dreamer in his dream.

Now a week of holidays, hours more sleep, a break from my home routine, four days at Harrison with Laura and Madigan and I’m human again. I could talk to desperate people and feel their despair without being pulled into their sadness and terror.  I could offer help without feeling cannibalized.  

In psychiatry we use the term ‘lending your ego’.  When Jesus was touched he described feeling ‘energy’ flow out of him. I saw that as human not so much godly.  When a friend is grieving and we hung my strength then upholds them.  We share energy, some kind of psychic energy as care givers.  Caregiver burden is this chronic draw on bank and reserves that eventually appears like a classic depression.  Burn out is another term that describes this state in a way.

I was burnt out in December.  This Covid crisis with lockdowns has gone on 2 years and I continue to hear and feel first hand the horrors and nightmares people are facing.  The relapses and the resort to drugs and alcohol is so disheartening. The suicidal ideation and paranoia and relationship breakdowns.  The loneliness.  I continue to talk to old incredibly ill people who haven’t spoken to anyone else in weeks, living marginally poor existences alone in small bachelor basements suites.  The despair is palpable.

I am so thankful for Harrison Hotsprings and Laura and Madigan.  Laura is a front line worker too and has taken months of demands and abuse.  She’d just a week of illness before our time off.   We sheltered each other, lying together with the puppy just holding ourselves together.  We began to laugh again after a day or two.  The first day we were both still in survival mode. But hot springs and no phone calls and brisk walks with endless views broke through the shells we’d erected to hold us together.  Relaxation came day two and three and four.  I physically stopped hurting.  We smiled again.  The dog was happy as always and a cute source of entertainment.  He keeps me moving.  I can’t stay in a fetal position in bed with him about.  He loved Laura with kisses and cuddles. He helped us remain human.

I’m back at work again.  It’s okay. I didn’t feel drained.  I offered condolences, I shared a space. The anxiety of so many about their financial future, the Covid debts and the devastation of government incompetence and inflation is devastating the marginal.  I offered therapy and medication.  I wrote letters of advocacy.  I carried on.  

I’m back at work and even a psychopath, thank God they are rare, hasn’t touched my sleep or filled me too much with fear. Their threats and insinuations and their “allies’ are enough to want me to quit right now.  I might well have in Dec.  Now I’m  just call a colleague and discuss the potential threat.  I’m tired of being threatened , that’d for sure.

When I refused to see the fellow who threatened to kill me and my dog and had threatened to kill his lawyer and his dog and his employer and eventually the Prime minister I received no support from my superiors.  I was criticized for ‘upsetting’ a crystal meth addict who was upset by everyone and infinitely insane dangerous and entitled.  My previous dog had been poisoned by a psychopath when I refused to lie and say his urine was clean.  This guy wanted me to say he was sane while threatening to kill me.  I had no supporters what so ever from my senior colleagues. Thankfully our insurance funded lawyers were more understanding.  “Of course you don’t have to see a guy threatening to kill you.” they said.  “I wouldn’t and no one can expect you too. “. The junior doctor who’d never been held hostage or been shot at or served in prisons or in charge of the dangerously insane ward had said, ‘wouldn’t it have been better to appease the fellow and see him.’  He was an administrative doctor.  He lacked humility, experience and empathy.  I find today I’m tired.  I accept the desperation of people pushed to the edge. I accept the psychosis of addiction.  I liked helping those in greatest need but I don’t seem to have the patience for administration chair warmers and don’t think I ever did.  I don’t know how long I’ll be able to last dealing with their political legal mindsets.  I’m a clinician and I am here because I want to serve and heel.  I’ve years of training and experience and I generally know what I’m doing but I’m tired.  Aging is a lot about fatigue.  

My back hurts.  It’s psychosomatic but it hurts.  My feet sometimes hurt. When I was young I hardly ever hurt.  Now I hurt.  I like the term emotional pain.  

I’m back at work and feel that I’m refreshed and refueled.  Ready to serve again.  I just don’t how many idiots I can tolerate and how I’ll fair if another psychopath attacks me, especially the evil lying women who will sell anything for money.  

Thank you God for getting me through those weeks when I was just existing. I feel the sun returning and life is beginning to course in my veins. I van’s wait till I can swim again without the rigamarole of masks and gauntlets. I m looking forward to spring.  Crocuses come as early as January , always by February. I’m often able to ride my motorcycle in March and get some much needed wind therapy.  Thank God for today.