Morning Limbo

I’m in limbo today. The aftermath of a full Halloween weekend with lots of exercise and activity.  I thought of going to church but remain ambivalent. I don’t know what to wear. 

I woke at 530 from a frightening dream.  A low life troll character in a beat up old car had stopped on the bridge, probably Granville.  He’d tried to steal my hard maroon  combination brief case. It was the one I had as a student. At this time i didn’t know what was in it. My valued student things from then, the Texas Instruments calculator, notes.  Or it could be Secret papers.  Stacks of money. My life savings.  I’d escaped the initial lunge and was rapidly backing up glad he was alone

When I woke suddenly I felt my physical vulnerability. The tenuousness of physical reality.  ‘Fear of economic insecurity will leave us,” hasn’t fully worked with me. I still have that fear that at times tormented my father in his final years as he worried about being cut off his pension.  He deeply mistrusted the Trudeau government. 

I also had that sense that I’d again been less cautious in public.  Showing any kind of success or wealth in this world attracts parasites. It’s the DTES on large scale. I’d enjoyed going out to the restaurant dressed fine wearing gold, trusting.  I’m older and a target for the theives.  I was lucky in the dream. There was only one. He had ropes too but his interest was money.  Kidnapping and theft and extortion. I’ve been in my head too much and not as situationally aware as I can be. The letting up of Covid restriction.  Going out to a restaurant and to a movie, being in the city, all are novel and I’ve not maintained the vigilance that was previously second nature. I think that was what the dream was saying. Also reminding me I like my ‘things’.  I’m still a materialist though spiritual. That brief case represented hours of extra work that allowed me to buy something that really was attractive and executive appearing but perfect for my needs at the time, carrying my notes and book and calculator and pens.  I have many little things like that whose value is in their functionality and selection.  I have one Swiss Army knife and one Leatherman that after countless trials of a life time are just the ones that suit my needs now. To another they are just a means to another hit of crystal meth or crack.

My next dream was apocalyptic. We were a group in my peninsula on the ridge where the hunting is. We were two groups in camps.  The other group was a family and I was with just a couple. We all had rifles and the other group had a collection of pistols. I’d been hunting meat and they’d been teaching their kids to shoot pistols target practising. I’ admired their weapons cases and a large amount of ammo.  The woman had asked me to transfer pictures of her kids to a different medium.  I had a computer base with Hamm and satellite.  It was post apocalyptic and I enjoyed the woman and the family. I’d not been able to do all she wanted there but would be able to do that more at  base camp with more equipment.  We were secure but someone was always on look out. The trucks were loading.  We were splitting up for the return to base camp. They  were up earlier and ready to go. I with my colleagues were late rising and waiting for coffee.  They were more vigilant with their children.  I was calm and not concerned.   Normally I’d been alone in the wilderness or with immediate friends and family out patrolling and aware of the danger. Now I felt I wasn’t alone but that others, like this family, we’re becoming aware and preparing. 

The dog jumps on my face and wants me to get up. Our routine is for me to to take out the garbage and walk him till he poops. .It was very chilly, clear sky, frosty. He pooped and we came home. I actually meditated for a little time, did stretches and sit ups. Now I  am on my second cup of coffee and feeling better.  

I feel in limbo.  I’m at that end of career pre retirement place. I think another 5 years of work would be fine but I want a longer break and I don’t. I’m content doing the same old same old routine, work easy like an old shoe. The difficulty is getting there,  Getting dressed and out is the difficulty.  Day by day I do the next right thing.  I want to travel more but that is all. Whether it’s here in Canada or the US with truck and RV or flying overseas doesn’t matter. I’d like to go to Aberdeen.  It’s an arbitrary calling.  Visit the land of my grandfather then return leaving as he did.  I had thought to leave the coast and return to the east or interior but right now I’m relatively content here. No place seems that much more secure.  

People I know and care about are dying.  The lights go out.  I miss Jean and John and George and Ron. There are others too.

In my uncertainty about the future I’m not quick to make new friends The friends that are dying are people I’ve known decades , the new friends I have are mere years in making.  I”m slow to trust with reason.  

I simply don’t know what more to do.  At one point this morning I woke and had a blank slate. I felt like I would likely feel retired.  I have nothing that needs doing today. I’ve a meeting but I skipped church and could skip the meetings as well though I look forward to the checking in as I once did on our Hamm radio off shore net. 

Everything else I could do is arbitrary. I have some chores and projects but they’re minor and nothing stops them from being put off.  I was pleased I got up and walked the dog. Now I’ve journaled.  I’m sluggish, My back hurts and I could go to the hot tub where there’s great relief or pop some naproxen or ibuprofen and feel relief as well. I don’t want to experience an upset stomach which occurs with the NSAIDS in time but I have some Tecta.  I can more than manage.  

I had a red dress I planned to wear for Halloween but couldn’t bring myself to go out to the Halloween party or the dance last night.  I watched Free Guy enjoying it from my couch, the dog happy I was home.  

I might have a nap and wake more ambitious or just read this morning,  Uncertaity and lack of direction,  The Meme said the ‘purpose of life is developing a relationship with Jesus Christ’. I’m certainly talking to him and listening, praying daily.  I’d meditate longer but cross legged my back hurts and yet the sitting is good for my knee and back. I think the riding so far on the Vespa yesterday strained it along with the extensive walking.  I’m stiff this morning. It’s a good stiffness.  

I suspect the elite have back aches but don’t realize them because their naked Asian masseuses give them a massage before their coffee. I would not feel pain if I rolled from bed into a hot pool then was greeted with a petite naked masseuse waiting  to walk on my back. Then I’d met with physiotherapist and chiropractor . Then maybe a swim.

I suspect my back wouldn’t ache in the morning if I was wakened to morning sex.  It’s a minor irritation that I focus on because of the lack of distraction. 

I’m weary with generating activity. I feel at times as a kid on summer vacation when I’d like to ask my mom what should I do today but she had chores as an answer.  I wanted fun.  I could go to the art exhibit but then I think of Madigan. He mostly wants to walk which I may feel like doing more after the morning shower. Cadillac problems.  

Right now I’ll lie back and read.  

Thank you Jesus for this brief reprieve.

Buying Madigan a new jacket at Mr, Pets because it got so cold last evening after early dinner on Commercial at Kitchen Whisky Cafe. We had to wait for a taxi. We rode  down to Metro Vespa to leave the Vespa for a part replacement and tune up. The service department is great there.

Then we walked up to Commercial and ate burgers outside at Kitchen Whiskey Cafe. Great food, great service, great people watching. . It got chilly sitting.  A jazz band began to play in the park across the way .  I was texting with Laura about Evie being sick and on antibiotics.  Madigan was beside me enjoying his ‘extra patty’, He actually climbed into and sat in his morocyce box I’d been carrying by hand.  I was dressed for Halloween in leathers with red lipstick.  I saw a tiger and a princess and jester go by on Commercial. I got a thumbs up from those I passed.  I dress this way sometimes when it’s not Halloween. 

I’ve wondered recently at all the costumes I wear.  I’ m many characters or roles.  Even within each role there are variations, the sports jacket and jeans to three piece suit, the cammo jacket and pants to shorts ,the off shore sailing jackets and the shorts, the skirt and gown.  

Within all these I’m myself, talking to God, asking direction and protection. Show me the way Lord.