So instead of hearing about the genocide of Tibetans by the brain dead Chinese communist thugs I hear again about Israel and Palestine.
Instead of hearing about the lesbian on lesbian violence I hear about LGBT community smiley face.
Instead of hearing about the gross increase in government and the corruption through out government, I hear about a single case. The Charboneau enquiry is as quickly forgotten as money laundering or drug running.
Instead of hearing about Meaghan’s babies today I hear about some idiot ugly rich girl in Hollywood.
I never hear about Saskatchewan. I never hear about Idaho. I would like to know about Chile. I only heard about Ethiopia because there was a plane crash but when I went there last month there were ten times as many people as in Canada. There are nearly 9 billion people on the planet and Andy Warhol said a person could get 20 minutes of fame. A lot of the media cast are real hogs!
There’s a major selection bias with stories.
So God, I thought I should talk to you. You have Infinite. All Wise, Endless tales.. You are In the heads and lives of billions of people on this planet alone. In touch with sentience the universe over. You would know why the rings of Saturn are reducing and you would know why weather on Mars is arbitrary. I know you know about the extreme events on the moon and have insights into the unborn babies.
You will know what is to come as you truly know what has passed. You have an infinite gigabyte memory so the idea that time travel can’t occur because the past is deleting is simply not true. It’s changing. Just as I am changing in my fondness for bell bottom pants. I’m not any more. I don’t like Cuban heeled boots but your hard drive would be date coordinated and show that I loved Cuban heeled boots when I was 15 and lost interest in them at 17.
I still like stove pipe pants. You do know how long and often giraffe’s vomit. Your capacity for data infinitismal and grand is endless. You are omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotential.
But do you love me.?
Really. Are you going to protect me from government today? I’ve got a ptsd trigger to government because they have protected the killers and rapists while stealing and playing holier than thou. They have no shame. I still have nightmares about their corruption lawlessness and abuse of privilege. I still see them breaking their own laws, bullying and threatening me, They are only showing that ‘might is right’. I thought ‘right is might’ Lord but I’ve been hurt too often.
I know I should not regret the past. I am today due to that. All that is good today comes from the manure of yesterday.
. Ineed to forgive and I need to let go and let god and that the rear view mirror is tiny so we look forward andcan focus on the present.
I know you are here now. When I tried to meditate this morning I had a cat rubbing against my back and a dog rolling on his back in front of me wanting his tummy rubbed. I’d fed them. I wanted some time with you. I felt that release when I connected for that briefest space with your omniscience. I felt I was touching the bigger flow. I wasn’t here in this little eddy of stagnating water where I don’t let you in enough.
But I connected , then my knee hurt. By the way thank you for my knee hurting less each day. Thank you for my anxiety about my right sided weakness being lessened by my colleague who showed me there was no lateralization. Thank you for stilling my fears.
Because I’ve been afraid.
At the end of the day listening to complaints all day I’ve been coming home just exhausted.
“ I hear you’re depressed. I hear you want more money” : but I’m not your Premier or Prime Minister and I hardly have enough to live on and I’ve been working now 55 years for wages and I’m still working. So I can’t really do more than say “I understand how hard it is to live in Vancouver” : It’s the most expensive city in the world with the greatest real estate corruption in history some say. So there’s that whole issue of ‘entitlement’ and ‘political action.’ I used to ask people if they voted but all those complaining almost without exception didn’t.
“I don’t want to take medication. I just need money.”
Somehow everyone wants back in the womb like I do. I miss my mother.
Someone put up the Spot and Dick and Jane reader and it took me back to an easier time. I was part of a loving family. My parents paid the bills. I pay them now. I go to work. I would rather hide in my bed. I love my couch and I love my bed. I don’t like to get mail. I worry as I have for years that someone in government is going to hunt me down and steal my time and attention and punish me for doing the right thing. Then I’ll be punished again for not doing the wrong thing. The whole morality game is wrong. Psychopaths and sociopaths are coming out of the walls like mould.
I’m afraid.
But then I think, you are a loving God. What do you want from me? What do you want me to do. I know that G.O.D. Is good orderly direction. I know that I am to ‘suit up and show up’. I know I’m to be kind. I am to do the best I can but I no longer have resources. Another person was shouting at me because they had to wait months to see me and the next appointment was 2 months and the referral I’d made for them to another specialist was not going to happen until next year and that the tests I ordered aren’t booked till the summer and their doctors all say they never get my notes or my consults and I do them and then I read that no one has done what I suggest and that the lawyers aren’t letting any of the doctors know that the MRI”s are normal and that one doctor is hoarding all the tests. It’s bedlam. The system is broken but all I can say is I know.
I am increasingly struck by the sense that I’m a carpenter and people need a plumber but this isn’t the plumbing department and They need a plumber. There’s nothing wrong with the carpentry
I even sometimes say I’m sorry like I’m somehow supposed to have created all the hospital beds that went to salaries for the cousins and ex lovers of the bureaucrats. We have the greatest number of bureaucrats in the world.some say. The percent increase in the last years has been 3000%. The least doctors. Managements give themselves wage increases and pensions and severance packages and make up stories about what they’re doing and take endless holidays and keep renaming themselves.
But the patients come to me the doctor and we’re theleast number in the western world with the longest waitlists and I don’t have any of the tools I was promised. None of the tools I had 30 years ago are now available.
I’m sometimes afraid to go to work because patients are so angry and abused by everyone and the system. The doctor is the only face they see. The PM is smoking dope on another holiday with Empress Sophie shouting “let them eat cake!’
All I can do is show the people the empty shelves of the socialist cabinets and say I didn’t even vote for this except when I was 20.
I’m still paying for the mistakes of 50 years ago. I’m still paying for a divorce. I’m still paying for a whole lot of stuff. But I’m so tired at the end of the day I can hardly get my key in the door.
But my mind sees this skew. You know Lord that I loved having that almost perfect shit yesterday. You know I went ‘geesh that was comforting’. You know I was so happy to pee when I’d held it for several patients and I was so thankful for the 10 minute lunch break when I got the bowl of soup.
I’ve spent 35 years as a doctor doing this and all I get is criticism and abuse and no support and burocrats stealing all the resources that were ear marked for the patients and more and more and more fat cat police doctors trying to find a way to destroy individuals one at a time, picking off the weak ones in the herd , while the herd circles and mulls under constant attack. They can’t even get doctors from Canada to come to VAncouver because no one can afford it here so it’s more and more scab labour because it’s like my friend says, ‘the rulers go to the US when they’re really sick”.
Bitch, whine complain. See how my mind twists reality. God life is balanced and good but my mind and mood shift to see the dark
I had a great day at work each day this week except for 2 or three patients, less than 10%, but our corrupt government demands perfection from doctors - the one complaining they were depressed but refused to take medicine, refused to leave their house, refused to work, refused to exercise, said The doctors were all useless. That’s not depression. That’s a pout. I can’t say that, as much as it would at least correctly diagnosis the ‘noncompliance with medical regimen’ which was at the heart of the interview.
“I don’t want to go back to work and the insurance company wants me to see a psychiatrist but I won’t do any of things my doctor wants because my doctor is a stupid bitch. My husband is doing drugs and my boyfriend is doing drugs and neither of them took me to Hawaii like they were supposed to so I need a vacation and the only way I can get one is to tell the bitch at work to fuck off. That’s what I told the insurance agent too. Now you’re supposed to help me and I don’t believe in any of you big pharma doctors and I’m not getting my kids vaccinated.”
It’s one a day. When I was a family physician I sent the biggest asshole to the psychiatrist. They were called “personality disorder” but you can’t ‘offend’ the patient by giving them an ‘unattractive diagnosis’. Everyone is bipolar. and we all agreed to be nice to them.
Now they come with a bureaucrat, an activist, a lawyer and a dozen other parasites just waiting to catch the doctor for a little sideline drama to explain why they’re at home watching tv and the insurance company is paying. Everyone is a healthcare ‘consumer’ and we want the doctor to support the consumption but nothing is available because the shelves are empty - I kept saying that’s rationed. “I read on the internet this is what you’re supposed to be giving me’
Yes but the government won’t pay for that.
I”ve on my 19th nervous breakdown. I had compassion fatigue 20 years ago working with the dangerously insane and listening to ethics philosophers paid big bucks discussing whether I should have committed this person who ate their daughter’s arm to the hospital and theoretically they should be allowed to be free on a technicality.
The ‘etheicists’ was the latest parasite on the doctor patient interview.
Here’s what’s in my cabinet I say to the patient. That’s what I’d recommend. I’ve got 30 years experience was a really bright light once was trained by the best of the day. That there though is what the bureaucrat doctor, the communist company doctor recommends and what I’m supposed to sell because it’s cheap and politically correct, some politician is getting a kick back for us pushing that product but personality i use the other one. You want that box because you read it on google. Fine.
Next week’ You’re not helping me.”
“You’re a lousy doctor.”
You’re not doing what I recommend. You’re doing what google recommended.
It’s insane.
The patients actually are now more sane than the government so it’s the same old asylum story the bars are on the asylum to protect the inmates from the outside world.Bitch, bitch, whine , complain, vent. Everyone is hurting . It’s the tax squeeze. I’m just the punching boy because everyone is afraid of government. Kafka’s castle.
“I went to the hospital and was ther 12 hours and they did nothing”
“I saw my doctor and she did nothing but sent me to you’
I’m seeing the glass as half full. I laughed half the night watching Gilbert and George interact. They have this game. George knows lying beside me is Gilbert’s place but George does this because he wants to be my number one. Then Gilbert wants to be in that place. This plays out over and over and over now for weeks. George didn’t use to want my attention. Now he’s very much into me partly because it pisses off his friend Gilbert.
The flowers have been spectacular. The weather is improving. I love the sunshine. I have this magnificent little mini i enjoy scooting to work in. I rode my motorcycle and that was a treat not to get killed on yet again. I escaped a dozen impaired Vancouver drivers in rush hour and survived getting to a meeting. I have the best family though I miss my mother, father, aunt and brother and grand parents. Friends are getting really old but some are doing great pilgrimages and travels and having grand children. They’re entertaining. I love that other friends are writing books. I love seeing the new babies.
So all this good stuff is happening. I’ve paid the taxes. I’ve paid the rent. I’ve food in the fridge. I’m hurting and aching and aging but I’m not facing a diagnosis of cancer or waking with lines in my body after a drunk hit me on my motorcycle. I’m afraid of dying. I’m thinking about death more and though I have you and I look forward to seeing my parents and family again I am sad about this life. All the angry women in the world. All the lying media. All the religious wars and the lying and the continued Arms Dealing by the Big Girls and Boys. I really wanted peace on earth when I was young. I wanted academia and ideas and love and lust and gluttony and now I’ve got sloth. I was in the hot tub last night and could have stayed.
I have no reason to complain. I should count my blessings but my damn mind sees the negatives. It dwells on the fear. It goes back to the past and dredges up the memories of psychopaths and sociopaths , those committee members who killed my patients. I think I should hunt them down and torture them one at a time but they’re just the Nuremberg lot. They murder by negligence and covert aggression, like the hospital administration I called out who took the money ear marked for the baby incubator and bought himself a new desk for his office. He was eventually fired. I don’t know how many babies died for his ego.
So God I ask you what am I to do. I am tired of being the little boy with the thumb in the damn while others make money dumping raw waste into the water then demanding I pay tax for their waste. I’m tired of having the shit slosh around in my head.
I think too much. My mother said that. Life is good I’ve got a weekend of camping planned. I’m going to be with the fur baby and my friend Laura and life is good but I over think it and find some self pity poor me, some body did me wrong, some shit when you’ve said over and over again.....I should have an ‘attitude of gratitude’ and that I should sing praises.
Post modern jukebox was a lot of fun last week. Thank you Lord for all that entertainment and talent.
Thank you that Eric came back from his holiday and fixed my refrigerator leak and put the second battery in the camper. I really appreciate the tv mount in the unit and all the other little repairs he did. I’m thankful for all that. It’s my own fault I don’t clean my place or get a cleaning lady. I bitch and complain about the same things. I swam this week but i shouldn’t have had a second helping. Fatso. See I immediately slip out of gratitude into cricitism and offence.
Look at all the other great men and women in bureaucracy doing their jobs well. Looks at those lawyers and journalists who are working with even greater assholes than some of us have to work under. Look at the stink in government cities. I’m here on the coast and it’s sea air and sunshine and the snow is going. I have so much to be thankful for yet I steal my own joy. God help me see the positives.
Count my blessings. Thank you God. Mom used to say that when I bitched to her about school and the idiots. I miss Mom. I miss Dad too. He’d know what to do with whatever mom didn’t know what to do with. I’m doing okay. My friends are taking care of me. I’m really blessed. I just have to stop the negative thinking and the fear.
Thank you God.
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