I am 29 and holding

I am having another birthday.  At my age it sounds a bit like a dental procedure. I strongly suggest if you don’t already, you really ought to get to know some older people.  I have a diminishing group.  No longer because I’ve said something deemed offensive, or pissed in their indoor potted plant, but rather because some of my best friends have become slackers.

I’m proud to say I’ve not and here I am having done another cycle of the hamster wheel.  Buck up, matey!

The earth keeps up its end, circling the sun which is itself circling about the galaxy in a mathematical predictable way. I met the remains of Lucy, 3.2 million years old so know that others have gone before me.  Despite my egomania with an inferiority complex, I am not unique. 

I don’t quite remember a year ago.  I was definitely more irritable. I was in yet another war with the despicable forces of evil within the government. Right now I’m having a rare reprieve from their penchant for self preening,  bullying and otherwise grossly deplorable behaviour.  I look back on my life and seen endless windmills thankfully broken up by  loving Dulcinea.  

The friends and family that remain are even more admired for their stalwart behaviour.  I truly loved the turkey feast of a family Christmas my sister in law, Adell, threw for all our benefits.  I’ve also been blessed to share a lot of activities with my friend Laura who shows great fortitude attending ballets and theater events as well as travelling and camping.  This last year I can attest that there were no grizzly bear warning signs over our tent.  The camper roof leaked  over her head though. Gilbert and George made it all worth it. 

Gilbert the cockapoo companion has been a blast all year. Unbelievably loyal, good natured and ready to play he sets a high standard. His buddy, the cat, George, has been equally enjoyable if only for the entertainment they give me with their strange furry interactions and rituals.  They do demonstrate to me the benefit of sleep and rest. I’m finding with age that I’m even less annoyed by down time.  

I really did not expect to live this long.  

I have truly been blessed. I often feel close to a loving God. The game of peek or boo or hide and seek is well played now. I choose to call him ‘my Lord’  His other name is   “Jesus Christ”. Sometimes I say ‘Holy Spirit’, too.  For me spirituality is a gift of God.  Grace.   Religion is a man made celebration of grace.  I loved seeing the Cistine Chapel.  God was touching Adam. Adam was touching God. This was was spirituality and religion meeting for me.  This was the God man interface.  I love the places of worship and the record of relationship.   

I don’t know why I’m here. I am thankful to my parents for avoiding the abortion and later infanticides. From family lore I tried their patience particularly.  I do identify with the tv series, ‘young sheldon’, not so much for genius, as just that separation between my thoughts and feeling and those around me. As a child in school I was so often struck by the incongruences, hypocrisy and outright fear that permeated my world.  The Kennedy Missile Crisis had a profound impact on me simply because it was apparent so few understood the effects of radiation. Today I still have that sense of separateness, knowing something and wondering why I seem alone in such knowing. Vindication isn’t really much fun. 

I was indeed interested positively and negatively with chemistry at a young age.

Today I’m enjoying coffee. Just a couple of weeks ago I was drinking coffee at a monastery, made from the beans from a tree I was sitting under. It was the best coffee I’ve ever tasted.  

I’ve been truly blessed to have been able to study science and medicine. The biological sciences, neurochemistry and psychiatry have been truly fascinating. I’ve never been bored with these subjects. I’ve enjoyed history and religion as well.   

I regret some times that I didn’t take an alternative path. Others, including naked pole dancing, were offered to me but I chose academia instead.  I spend too much time at a desk . If I’d remained a lecturer or professor I could have at least worn off calories prancing about at the front of the class. 

 I used to say that I work in the complaints department of life but next life I plan to return as a casting coach so that people would show me their ‘best song and dance’ rather than their ‘worst’. It’s given me a somewhat jaded approach to humanity since I’ve seen so many on their worst days. I’ve learned immense optimism though because I’ve been blessed to see the amazing recovery that people make,
physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. One day i see someone tied down to a gurney so they don’t hurt themselves then a short while later  they’re  walking free,  independent and positive.

For some reason with all the raving about euthanasia I’ve reflected on a life of convincing literally hundreds if not thousands of people to continue living.  In an age of low cost euthanasia this skill I developed like any fine artisan is no longer appreciated.  Contrary to the mainstream view.  the medication isn’t what changes one’s idea of about living,  it’s the relationship and the ideas.  I’ve given hope as others have given me hope.  Medication helps with that but not alone.

Now I’ve a new slate ahead. Another run at knowing God better. I pray and meditate daily.  I’ve always prayed and meditated, sometimes much more formally, sometimes less so.  I experience life as richer with a relationship with another. The one became many and the many become one.  The mythical relationship. I’m always seeking God if only because I expect that the deeper the relationship with God the better the taste of chocolate or the fiercer the orgasmic intensity, or the more serene the peace. I see in my life and the life of friends that being a ‘god seeker’ leads to immense rewards.

I don’t fear death as I believe that consciousness continues. I look forward to meeting my mother ,father and brother, aunts, grand parents, relatives who have passed away, teachers and friends who have gone before me. It’s not that I have anything left unsaid. I just want to hug them and hold them. I hold to a Mark Twain sort of life after death vision.  I could enjoy pig farming in the hereafter.

In the meantime I’m thankful for this body, which St. Francis called ‘brother ass or brother donkey’.  I realize I take so much for granted and whine and complain far to readily without remembering that I have mobility. I’m relatively disease free. I have fresh running water in my home, hot and cold, the air is relatively clean, I have heat and air conditioning.  I’ve so much to be grateful for except my analytic brain, useful for other things, so often is seeking out the negatives, disease, looking for the wrong, doing the preventative analysis, as if this life was an astronaut’s journey. I’m always listening and looking for leaks in the suit. Life is much more robust than I give it credit for.  I’ve been alone in the middle of an ocean thousands of miles from a shore, alone in a hurricane, dependent on the workmanship of strangers, and survived.  Why so much doubt?  I liked learning that “Anxiety was a measure of my distance from God. “. It’s equally a measure of my humanity.  I do know to “ tether my camel” but then I must trust God.  I can’t anticipate the Vorgon. Acceptance is a good idea.  I would know serenity. 

It’s another year. The New Year for the world is Jan 1.  For me,  it’s this day.  My own personal beginning of a new year.  Thank you. Thank you all who have shared it with me and will continue to share it.  Less slacking please. Yes, I’m thankful for all the joy of association and the shared pleasures.  I am thankful still for the learning. 

Thank you.