Anti-authoritarianism and God

I’ve woken up again into a complex world of form and colour and sound. I don’t recall making it. I don’t know how to create it myself. I’ve a memory I don’t know how I came by but it remembers things much the same as they were from yesterday.  The dirty dishes are in the sink. I’ve got the same number of hands and feet and such.
I exist. I’m the perceiver here. But I don’t know who or what created this space and stuff and my mind and senses and such.  I don’t seem to be the author of my own existence unless I’m already demented and forgot some special powers I had and don’t seem to have now.  It’s way beyond 3 d printing. It’s a life I’ve got and I don’t really know how that’s come about. There are Ideas I have and hypotheses but none of it is really better than bullocks.
I like Buber who described this experience as I and the Other.  There is a sense of separation.  Me and this computer. Me and this air about me.  I see at least in a dualism of sorts.
Now because I’m humble and don’t have the capacity to create reality out of thought to the best of my knowledge I grant the existence of a creator.  Some “other” that made or is this world I, my limited self, this ego, have woken up to.  I think the aethesist are weak minded and don’t give thought to this basic dilemma of existence.  I’m here waiting for Godot and they’re going on about there not being a God while I’m in awe and gob struck by the table and the chairs and the mundane sacredness of existence. When I stepped outside it was even more awesome.  I have this little dog to and he’s utterly curious about everything like any minute he’s going to find the answer. Now I appreciate that for decades I’ve been looking for the creator and had but glimpses and experiences.  I’ve not actually met some black momma or white dude in a cloud.  I’ve just felt safe and secure and not alone. I have this sense of a positive entity. This other is kind enough to share this creation with me.  That may be projection. That may be a wishful thinking.
My aethesist friend would say that when he wakes his bed has ever been there. The Multiverse dimensional reality forever and to forever may have existed in all it’s complexity as is with my sole preoccupation making sense of it.  But my other friend once a gold loving light hearted person is now heavy hearted and philosophical in a tedious sort of way.  So I do like the humour of the god folk.  They’re less wicked than those who seem like wankers. We meet and congregate and share our faith.  For it is faith.
I’m anti authoritarian with the creator as much as I am with everything and everyone else.  I object that I woke today to my own place with the dirty dishes of last night and wish that this space was a self cleaning entity.  I have a number of complaints like the aches and pains in this body.  My memory suggests that they follow from my over use strains and even abuse of this body but still I wish a creator would grant me a new pain free body.  And I don’t like the aging experience much so I would rather be think and wrinkle free and no longer have grey hair.  I’m anti authority about those things. I have a memory of an unappreciated younger self that ran faster and jumped higher. I’d like that today.  So despite the ignorance I have of this whole of creation I’m critical and even think that I could do better. I may do sit ups today and remedy some of the problem but it’s still much easier to be negative and wait for a magical solution to my minor discomforts.
I haven’t even got around to considering that this other might have a ‘purpose’ for this wonderland I’ve been gifted with.  I don’t even know if I have a purpose. I have yesterdays plans and goals and all the relationships in my memory but this is a new day.
I fantasize that I could pack and grab the dog and head off to a war zone with a sniper rifle and play out the game I watch on tv and play in games. I could buy a romance experience with a slim young erotic person like the literature that is so popular in the culture.  Love and war.  Instead I will have another Kaffkasque day living a Camus existence celebrating life in a mundane sort of office way talking to be people about life and why to not destroy themselves or other while they’re trying to figure things out.  Everyone is quite hysterical.  There’s even these television and computer news files that show strangers having all manner of insanity, talking heads and drams and music and sports.  It’s amazing what people get up to in this prison of life without really knowing anything about the ‘why’.
I’m fascinated with the why and sometimes shout in the night in the woods at God ‘Why’.  I’m anti authoritarian then.  I’m not as filled with acceptance at times when I’m experiencing pain in this body or fear or worry. I remember this is a little ball I’m sitting on and it is spinning around a sun in a galaxy somewhere at the arse end of the universe.  Its not like I’m in the centre of anything but my own mind where I appear I am a legend.
Today I will try to be less anti authoritarian.  I know I’m appalled at the so called ‘political’ leadership and the ‘bankers’ and ‘lawyers’ and ‘eurocrats’ that are enough to make anyone want to escape to reality tv.  It astonishes me in the news that there can be such corruption and greed and waste and narcissism in this democracy.  I feel like it’s a riot or a farce but then I have to ask what really do I think of this existence I’ve just woken up to. The metaphor I use seems so much to define my feelings about it.  It’s entertainment and distraction.
I feel I’ve been here a long time and still don’t know whose life this is.  I know there are abortions going on daily and people being killed and thieves stealing food but right here and now I’m still not knowing really truly whose life this is.  I have hypotheses and  I have faith but today I’m really going to focus on the authority. I don’t think it’s me.  The author of this life could have been me. One theory says that we get together between these reincarnation lives in a place called the bardot and there we write these existences.  I may be meeting with some of the other script writers today and we don’t knows. That’s the Cloud of Unknowing. It really wouldn’t be fun if we knew everything.  So yes I may die to day but death is just an awakening to true life.  That’s my favourite thought. I’m less afraid and angry when I think that.
Now despite being anti-authority and angry that I have so many limitations and inadequacies, I don’t fly, and I’m not the worlds greatest lover, richest, most sensitive, wisest person, but rather mediocre, instead, despite all this I am going to talk to this other in a way I remember is called ‘prayer’.  I’m going to ask that today be special and that I come closer to knowing whoever or whatever is behind my waking today here and now. I also want to do what is best for me today that I may be of most service to whatever the grand scheme is.  I don’t want to be whining and complaining and pushing back but rather I’d like to go forward with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. I ask God, because I chose to call the other God, that God be with me and guide me and show me the Way.  Thank you God for this awakening today, for the bed and warmth, the little dog, this body, the toilet and the food. Thank you.  Now I’m going to use the shower. I I seem to recall this is one of the greatest creations of all time and always gives me joy as this thing called coffee has given me joy. Thank you.