Douglas Fir, Scotch Pine, Hemlock, Glacier scented breeze

The sun has risen over the ice capped peaks that ring the forest wilderness below Whistler RV Park.  I had mixed dreams. Belonging and comforting as well as conflict and trouble. Laura’s warm body lay beside me. Madigan slept beneath the camper table. I awoke at 6 am, checking my Iwatch know the time. Madigan today hadn’t woken us with whines and whimpers to be let up on the bed. I woke him. 

I drank a lot of tea yesterday.  I liked the morning ritual.  Relief. Then brushing teeth and shaving.

Yesterday was summer hot. The forecast today was for even hotter. The morning breeze though was still cool. 

I donned khaki shorts , Workwear brown shirt and took Madigan for a morning walk.  A man with two while dogs, not poodles. was doing the same. Robins and nuthatches were flitting about.  A group of three people were also up quietly walking along the road..  I hoped the exercise would reduce the energy the little dog has all day.  At the truck camper I sat in the lawn chair facing the still rising sun and meditated.

I do not know for certain anything before today.  Before this moment is a true unknown. I only have circumstantial evidence.  Memory. There’s billions of computing brain cells and equal numbers of stars.  Tomorrow is uncertain. There is now.  I exist. This exists.  I am a co creator with the creator.  I imagine a divine plan.  There is angst. So many fill the ‘waiting for Godot’ moments with endless nonsense. There is this.  Here .  Now.  Matter is slow energy.  I’m humbled by the very arbitrariness of existence and the limits of knowledge.  

Yesterday I spoke with a lovely man comforted by his agreement with authorities.There are those who cling to rhetoric while I am like Buddha asking what do we really know. All suffering is desire.  I am here on a mountain top enjoying the sun rising, while indeed science tells me the earth is setting. We are confused about the fundamental motion of our experience.  Here I’m feeling I am going forward when indeed the earth is going backward.  

I don’t know why my mind produces the thoughts it does. I thought of genital mutilation of male and female children and wondered how that trauma contributed to the wars of the tribes that perpetrated such barbarism.  It is taboo to even consider such a thought. So many thoughts are taboo.  Steal a little and they put you in jail, steal alot and they make you king. Some ‘ruler’, a ‘big man’, “his supportive woman’, the ‘boy’ and the followers demand ‘tradition’.  They only woke today yet still they will be planning on surgically risking the future potential of a child.  The fallacy of the consensus.  Meanwhile other tribes are sticking needles in their bodies and painting their faces with dye.  They are all offended if we don’t respect their customs and play along with their games and our games of who is first. 

My friend was fascinated by the intellectualism that allowed him to believe he was right and someone else is wrong.  

I’m here alone with God in an RV park utterly grateful for the civilization of this experience with the freedom and means to come and go, all the amenities and engineering wonders I could hope for. Even this chair is genius.  I am now sitting at a table that drops into a bed.  The chair I sat on outside folded up small and light and carried on the back of my camper. Just because I don’t know who created lawn chairs doesn’t mean that I believe they didn’t evolve or that I somehow manufacturered them out of my mind.

Today is all about pride, individually and collectively.  The selfie is the metaphor and medium of modern existence.  Space men landing on a distant planet trade mirrors with the inhabitants who have telepathy but lack this capacity to freeze memories.  We live in the past. Moments fly by.

It’s all play. Even the soldiers and generals who strut and take themselves so seriously along with the gangster and the con men and politicians who orchestrate chaos and war must deny death because if we all woke again knowingly in another day and another line of development we’d be free from the grandiosity and arrogance of the hierarchal sorts. Those that gives themselves medals and ribbons and titles. 

I like the symphony but I don’t like the shit thrown at a wall and called art so that money can be laundered and rich men and women can have more children to sexually pleasure them.  Why must we think that those who are at the top of the society are not disease ridden and bothered by hemorrhoids.  I am indoctrinated to look up to them because they have the power to kill me and my family and friends.   Yet if I am immortal not in this comic strip but across the potentiality of the infinite universe, why fear bullies and boogeymen.

I carry in the code of my memory the ability to start this truck. I’ve just made coffee . My unconscious is attached to the Cray computer of God. Each day I awake and don’t even know what dimension my dream world is.  I am ridiculed by ignorant who insist that as they can’t see the ‘ICloud” it doesn’t exist. I am then told what are the ‘social media’  ‘ideas’ each day, the marketting of social reality, the dominance of competing tribes and the corporations and the old and new money. 

 I’m old.  I don’t feel old. I’m as new as the day.  I only feel old when I really consider it and look at the weather worn skin.  I then realize that I’m among stupid people or bright people or mirro kaleidoscopes of my own self.  

Today I choose to believe in God. I choose to be humble. I choose to give thanks to the Sun and the movement of the earth and the perfect construction of this world which is so similiar to the one I knew yesterday yet different.  I am thankful for a higher power, a sense of a creator and the interconnected ness of creation. The alphabet of DNA. The joy I had learning the basis of chemistry and the complexity and simplicity of the material world, a sentence and a paragraph and a story.  

I look back on my life and it’s a story I’ve written with ink and feathered pen. It’s amazing.  God is good. Life is wonder.  This is sacred.  Thank you Jesus.  

Laura has climbed out of bed, relieved herself in the truck camper washroom, fuzzed over Madigan whose love for her is overwhelming. I held her warm voluptuous body next to mine and felt home.  She is so pretty now doing cross word puzzles.  I made us stove top expresso coffee and she is content as I am .  Madigan the cockapoo is even napping under the table dreaming of climbing on Laura’s lap again and being pampered.   I’m thinking another coffee.   Has Elon Musk brought us a little closer to inhabiting Mars? Thank you Jesus.  

Anti-authoritarianism and God

I’ve woken up again into a complex world of form and colour and sound. I don’t recall making it. I don’t know how to create it myself. I’ve a memory I don’t know how I came by but it remembers things much the same as they were from yesterday.  The dirty dishes are in the sink. I’ve got the same number of hands and feet and such.
I exist. I’m the perceiver here. But I don’t know who or what created this space and stuff and my mind and senses and such.  I don’t seem to be the author of my own existence unless I’m already demented and forgot some special powers I had and don’t seem to have now.  It’s way beyond 3 d printing. It’s a life I’ve got and I don’t really know how that’s come about. There are Ideas I have and hypotheses but none of it is really better than bullocks.
I like Buber who described this experience as I and the Other.  There is a sense of separation.  Me and this computer. Me and this air about me.  I see at least in a dualism of sorts.
Now because I’m humble and don’t have the capacity to create reality out of thought to the best of my knowledge I grant the existence of a creator.  Some “other” that made or is this world I, my limited self, this ego, have woken up to.  I think the aethesist are weak minded and don’t give thought to this basic dilemma of existence.  I’m here waiting for Godot and they’re going on about there not being a God while I’m in awe and gob struck by the table and the chairs and the mundane sacredness of existence. When I stepped outside it was even more awesome.  I have this little dog to and he’s utterly curious about everything like any minute he’s going to find the answer. Now I appreciate that for decades I’ve been looking for the creator and had but glimpses and experiences.  I’ve not actually met some black momma or white dude in a cloud.  I’ve just felt safe and secure and not alone. I have this sense of a positive entity. This other is kind enough to share this creation with me.  That may be projection. That may be a wishful thinking.
My aethesist friend would say that when he wakes his bed has ever been there. The Multiverse dimensional reality forever and to forever may have existed in all it’s complexity as is with my sole preoccupation making sense of it.  But my other friend once a gold loving light hearted person is now heavy hearted and philosophical in a tedious sort of way.  So I do like the humour of the god folk.  They’re less wicked than those who seem like wankers. We meet and congregate and share our faith.  For it is faith.
I’m anti authoritarian with the creator as much as I am with everything and everyone else.  I object that I woke today to my own place with the dirty dishes of last night and wish that this space was a self cleaning entity.  I have a number of complaints like the aches and pains in this body.  My memory suggests that they follow from my over use strains and even abuse of this body but still I wish a creator would grant me a new pain free body.  And I don’t like the aging experience much so I would rather be think and wrinkle free and no longer have grey hair.  I’m anti authority about those things. I have a memory of an unappreciated younger self that ran faster and jumped higher. I’d like that today.  So despite the ignorance I have of this whole of creation I’m critical and even think that I could do better. I may do sit ups today and remedy some of the problem but it’s still much easier to be negative and wait for a magical solution to my minor discomforts.
I haven’t even got around to considering that this other might have a ‘purpose’ for this wonderland I’ve been gifted with.  I don’t even know if I have a purpose. I have yesterdays plans and goals and all the relationships in my memory but this is a new day.
I fantasize that I could pack and grab the dog and head off to a war zone with a sniper rifle and play out the game I watch on tv and play in games. I could buy a romance experience with a slim young erotic person like the literature that is so popular in the culture.  Love and war.  Instead I will have another Kaffkasque day living a Camus existence celebrating life in a mundane sort of office way talking to be people about life and why to not destroy themselves or other while they’re trying to figure things out.  Everyone is quite hysterical.  There’s even these television and computer news files that show strangers having all manner of insanity, talking heads and drams and music and sports.  It’s amazing what people get up to in this prison of life without really knowing anything about the ‘why’.
I’m fascinated with the why and sometimes shout in the night in the woods at God ‘Why’.  I’m anti authoritarian then.  I’m not as filled with acceptance at times when I’m experiencing pain in this body or fear or worry. I remember this is a little ball I’m sitting on and it is spinning around a sun in a galaxy somewhere at the arse end of the universe.  Its not like I’m in the centre of anything but my own mind where I appear I am a legend.
Today I will try to be less anti authoritarian.  I know I’m appalled at the so called ‘political’ leadership and the ‘bankers’ and ‘lawyers’ and ‘eurocrats’ that are enough to make anyone want to escape to reality tv.  It astonishes me in the news that there can be such corruption and greed and waste and narcissism in this democracy.  I feel like it’s a riot or a farce but then I have to ask what really do I think of this existence I’ve just woken up to. The metaphor I use seems so much to define my feelings about it.  It’s entertainment and distraction.
I feel I’ve been here a long time and still don’t know whose life this is.  I know there are abortions going on daily and people being killed and thieves stealing food but right here and now I’m still not knowing really truly whose life this is.  I have hypotheses and  I have faith but today I’m really going to focus on the authority. I don’t think it’s me.  The author of this life could have been me. One theory says that we get together between these reincarnation lives in a place called the bardot and there we write these existences.  I may be meeting with some of the other script writers today and we don’t knows. That’s the Cloud of Unknowing. It really wouldn’t be fun if we knew everything.  So yes I may die to day but death is just an awakening to true life.  That’s my favourite thought. I’m less afraid and angry when I think that.
Now despite being anti-authority and angry that I have so many limitations and inadequacies, I don’t fly, and I’m not the worlds greatest lover, richest, most sensitive, wisest person, but rather mediocre, instead, despite all this I am going to talk to this other in a way I remember is called ‘prayer’.  I’m going to ask that today be special and that I come closer to knowing whoever or whatever is behind my waking today here and now. I also want to do what is best for me today that I may be of most service to whatever the grand scheme is.  I don’t want to be whining and complaining and pushing back but rather I’d like to go forward with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. I ask God, because I chose to call the other God, that God be with me and guide me and show me the Way.  Thank you God for this awakening today, for the bed and warmth, the little dog, this body, the toilet and the food. Thank you.  Now I’m going to use the shower. I I seem to recall this is one of the greatest creations of all time and always gives me joy as this thing called coffee has given me joy. Thank you.

Miracles

I believe in miracles.  I believe that events in history have occurred which were apparently 'supernatural' which we now know by the study of science to be 'merely' 'extraordinary'.  In this understanding the 'eclipse of the sun' by the moon is explained today by science as the moon crossing before the sun whereas in the past it was understood as the sun being taken away and returned.  I also believe that man's ego is such that he tends to project his present into the past and believe that the events of yesteryear were as he understands them today. I consider this 'retrospective falsification'.
Understanding this I still believe in Miracles as in 'God events'.
I have a theory about the events of the "Big Bang" but I don't 'know' the Big Bang as I know my own fingers.  However as a scientist today I know the limitation of my own 'belief' in my knowledge of my fingers.  I know the quantum physics explanation of the existence of my fingers and the vast limits of my understanding and perception of even my own fingers let alone matters of distant past. Neuropsychiatry has at once humbled and expanded my understanding of perception.
I believe that there are supernatural forces that we today do not understand so would call their 'effect' miraculous. I believe in a whole list of such forces as telepathy and levitation.  I believe that as all is now and the external material world is a bubble on the vast ocean of the spiritual world which itself is a mystery at the surface regarding the centre and depth I can know only in a limitted sense because that is the nature of this incarnation and the nature of this 'world'.
As theology teaches 'many houses' science teaches many 'dimensions'. There are multiple parallel universes. My perception may 'switch' from one universe to another.  Would I know this.  Subjectively I have a sense of points in history where I came to 'cross roads' of 'potential' and perhaps experienced the 'road less travelled" . I have a sense of these 'nodal' points in time when a confluence of events gives rise to a course which leads me in a certain direction but which might well lead alternatives of self, a multiplicity of perception, in another direction. I am left with what I wake to each day.  I can not in good faith knowing what I do of the potential of this world or of God that more is not possible.  I, for all I know, am the 'rate limitting' step.  I believe an infinitude of events is happening in God's time and God's 'spiritual' domain but that I 'see but through a glass darkly' in my life.  If it was God's will for me to fly in this world I'd fly with or without wings.  Now God  wants me to walk  or my own fear limits me to walking as Peter could not walk on water as long as Jesus did because of his lack of 'faith'.  Peter did walk on water though whereas the other disciples didn't.   I pray to fly and might in time be in a world or dimension where I can fly.  Alternatively I might 'miraculously' buy a ticket on a child guided Canadian made spaceship with a propulsion system conceived and designed by women alone.
I believe that our 'faith' is made stronger in this world as our beliefs are increased from the chaotic childhood fantasy world to the 'reality' of the 'collective' to the miraculous potential of the future.  Cellphones would have been considered miraculous once.
I believe that there are other planets inhabitted by human like forms and other aliens and other interdimensional beings. I imagine that if one can imagine something it exists in some form somewhere.  Unicorns and fairies and trolls all may exist but that I am not to be distracted in my spiritual journey by the fanciful and 'magical' but am to be devoted to the goal of coming closer to God , the true light, the word that was with Jesus as John tells us.
I believe that Jesus, the son of God, has given us the clearest vision of human potential on earth, which is in the 'love' he shared and the 'sacrifice' he made.  I think that whether a person uses a spear or a nuclear device to kill they are still primitives whereas Jesus was God like in his command to love your enemy.  That said I might well kill my enemy because I'm a 'sinner' but I wouldn't promote "killing' as the 'Way".  I believe that there have been many prophets and saints and that where their teachings meet there is the greatest likelihood of navigational truth.  
Albert Schweitzer realized that all was alive and that killing couldn't be avoided and as a doctor I am unable to be 'silly' about  death and my complicity  but must realize that it matters where my heart is too.  The scriptures tell me that I will need to see like a child again but this 'child like' innoscence is not the ignorance of children but rather the 'wisdom' that comes with experience.
I believe I have experienced miracles and witnessed miracles in my life but my tendency is to 'normalize' and 'deny' these.  Truthfully though I have no other better explanation despite my experience and training.  I consider all life is a miracle and sacred and that there are these events that are 'more' miraculous and more sacred.  They speak to the glory of God.
I do not need to 'deny' a 'virgin birth' out of 'arrogance' but can 'believe' it.  It's not really been much of an issue for me and may well be 'made up' by theologians but then everything can be seen through 'cynical' eyes.  The critic can destroy all.  If a person today claimed to be pregnant and a virgin I'd be most interested in looking at the DNA as I'd expect 'god stuff' perhaps.  Again what happened in the yesterday' has a different relevance to me 'today'.  I have no 'disbelief' that the seas opened for the fleeing Moses tribe but I also know stories 'exaggerate' with time and commonly in the past people said a thousand people were killed in a war when only a dozen were. That's at least the case in the Scottish tribal fights that I studied.  But that's History and history by convention is just an approximation of the truth for the collective imagination.  I wasn't there in this incarnation in the past as the story is told.  I don't know with certainty if there once was an age of Atlantis and we have devolved or if we are evolving moving from the Old Jerusalem to a New Jerusualem. I really don't know. It's all a matter of belief. I am suspicious of those who 'insist' that I 'believe' what they believe as if they 'need' my belief to be the same as theirs as this is what fanatics, insane people and some political leaders have been like.  I may well be wrong and they are right but I shy from 'bullying' .
Events have occurred in my life especially those times when I thought I was near to death and felt a presence of God and somehow there was a reversal of events and I lived.  The same has occurred in the process of healing.  There has also been an association between prayer and the miraculous.
I can easily 'argue' as a 'critic' and am highly trained to 'debate' the opposite, that is a purely 'material' world without 'miracles'.  I am glad for that training. It's the same training that Saint Paul had and then he was blinded and regained his sight and came to believe in miracles in a personal way.
I consider this a personal journey. I share my perception of that journey and I surely will be highly skeptical about anyone who claims to be able to levitate but I will not exclude the possibility. I'd gladly levitate alongside him.  But the fact is  I'm too much a  'doubting Thomas'.
I am a scientist and a theologian.  To me scientific theologian or theological scientist is not an oxymoron. Such was the case for most of the greatest scientists of all time as it was for Einstein and Newton.  There are a  few scientists and theologians today, who I tend to believe are simply 'lazy', and  won't  take the trouble to play three dimensional chess in a multi dimensional universe so insist that we all believe their reductionist perspective because it's self aggrandising in some way.
I remain open minded but don't believe in having such an open mind that my brains fall out. I also don't want to be so close minded that I have only a brain unmindful of the miraculousness of mind which connects us with others and with God.