Saturday, March 5, 2011


Controlling is a necessary part of leadership. Leadership is obvious where it's an assigned role or where a person has agreed upon specific authority such as a guide or teacher.
Where it's toxic and bullying and may reflect underlying developmental issues is when the situation is recreational and there is no 'assigned' or 'agreed on' leadership. This can happen in all manner of relationships.
Often 'controllers' reckonizing their ugliness conceal their behaviour with a variety of strategies from passive aggressive, to mild aggreement.  'What would you like to do?" is followed by "Whatever you want to?" but then a pout occurs if you answer "skydiving". 
The "Whatever you want to do?" was really an invitation for you to play one of the controllers favourite games, "can you make me happy by telling me what I want to hear.'  This is also called the 'telepathy' or "mind reader" games.  The controller thinks "I'm having fun when everyone does what I really like to do.'  Often the controller thinks, "you don't really know what is good for you, I do, and therefore I will help you make decisions, without actually 'telling' you what I want, because I know people don't like to be 'told'. Controllers never appreciate how utterly narcissitic they are since they see themselves as such caring people.
Often among kids the controllers are identified by some kid saying "Who made you God?"  Adults are less likely to be so honest but nonetheless will find that being manipulated by controllers is irriating. Controllers at heart are really very limitted and afraid.  They act out of fear.
In transaction analysis terms (Games People Play) controlling is person who can't give up the 'parental' role in a play context.  Those who can't stop being 'parents' and 'adults' in play contexts are usually quite afraid of their 'inner child' who they think is a kind of evil twin.  Controllers often 'act' good and 'appear' good but in fact that's a cover up.  Underneath they're often angry and resentful.  Controllers want to be taken care of and want the world they are living in to be safe and to their design based on the limits of their past which gets lived out continuously in the present which they have to control or bad things might happen.  Controllers are desperately afraid of 'bad' things and the baddest things are 'unknowns'.  Hence why such good people are often said to live lives of quiet desperation.
They lack joy but have a kind of contentment. They're putting in time and want others around them to be satisfied within the prison of their perception. They never question the 'good enough'.  They don't like people who charge at windmills or reach for the stars.  In a way politically they are lemmings because they refuse to rock the boat or stick out. Behind the scenes they like to manipulate and control though.  Smiling they frown.

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