Hair Appointment

I’m enjoying my hair long again.  Chatter’s Hair Salon in Lougheed Mall is my go to place, A beautiful young woman who only comes in on Saturdays did the best job of my hair one day finding the right blond tint so that the grey was hidden but the roots didn’t stand out.  

I’m often in the twin spirit world.  As a spiritual person I know myself as a soul.  Even believing in Christian reincarnation I see this body as temporal. God is not a gender.  I don’t know what to refer to myself as .  I sometimes say Gender Fluid. I’m no longer the ‘alpha male” I was for decades young. I was competitive successful and a stud, loving women solely yet I’d been abused and twenty years ago I began to integrate these selves.  The child within. I’d wanted to be a playwright and worked as a dancer. I loved the theatre.  But I took the responsible road of service. I married and waited for a family only to find the women had moved on and for some reason I chose girls who were independent and friends called career girls as opposed to homemakers. I loved them as companions but after years the lack of children or mutual focus interfered and with divorce I was thrown back into adolescence. That’s that developmental phase of being single betfore thee new family.  I took care of women.  Shared entirely the fruit of my labour with partners and family while having a good life with my dog.  

I enjoyed being the sailor. I enjoyed the tropics where a pair of shorts or a sarong was all I wore. I used to love suits and the ‘power’ of the military jackets. I loved the cordoroy and wool and the tie and that image of the university professor. But I left the university and the cancel culture destroyed all desire to teach.  Each time I spoke there was some bully in the audience.  The best was the lectures I gave to hundreds who all reported that I’d been the best teacher they’d ever had but one, the woman who was a pedophile with her husband , who had not been jailed with her husband, but let go free because of the perversion of the courts, well,  she joined the course and wrote reams of offence as aggression and the university asked how I’d so impressed 99% and offended this one. I couldn’t breach confidentiality and say that the children had told me she and her husband were both having sex with them but the police only arrested him. It was a real eye opener.  I watched year after year the legal evil of myopic focus and the new left comparison against the perfect, I didn’t want to teach where the bullies ruled. 

I stopped wanting to be the ‘wise man’ because all of my dreams of what I would be were trashed by the cultural terrorists. I was afraid.  Being held hostage. Being raped. Being in a plane crash. Going through the ice on a mercy run in a skidoo, being attacked repeatedly and always some space cadet administrator saying they could do better from their armchair desk.  I was a private on the front lines and turned down offer after offer to be an officer or go back into the fight.  I stopped killers and perverts in high places and was applauded by those who counted but made grevious enemies of those who shared the incompetence or perversions and feared me as I was not for sale. I always argued I was because everyone is but the price I would lie for was not little as some who propelled their careers with deceit and silence. . Then truth became relative and the women said ‘my truth’ and ‘your privilege’ and all manner of ‘jargon’.  I tried to stay away. I worked in a corner and paid my bills and tried to survive,  

95% of German society and Russian society were not the animals that Lenin and Hitler were.  Hitler rose to power because he was a killer and encouraged his brown shirts to silence or kill opposition. The Bolsheviks differed from the much larger Mensheviks because Lenin Stalin Molotov and Trotsky said it was good to murder and assassinate and torture and rob banks for the cause. The Maoists genocided the gentle Tibetans like the Muslim Turks genocided the Armenian Christians.  It takes only a a few men to overthrow a regime.  It’s those who do nothing that are complicit. Bonhoeffer spoke of this. Nuremberg confirmed it. Arendt called it the ‘banality of evil’.

I think estrogen encreases with age. I also have a back pain and young I’d fuck standing up with any number of injuries.  Today I really have to think if fucking is worth the pain.  I imagine that a blow job or being on the bottom is better as it’s less demanding. I’ve grown lazy with age. I don’t want to start a revolution. I don’t want to fight the good fight. I’m resting on my laurels. I’ve done the manly things and been vindicated over and over again.  I don’t think of it as resentment.  I’ve come to accept the past but the issue for me is the future

I’ve also realized that I have God’s protection.  Archangel Michael is there always cleaning up the threats. Also if the leadership were all bad, in the College in Government I’d not survive.  I’ve been persecuted and abused but it’s like all these good people who don’t want the evil perverts and lazy shits to win protect me from death and removal. I’ve survived only because the good people in government have supported me. One step ahead of the crowd, you’re a leader. Two steps a head of the crowd, you’re a martyr. I’m mostly 1 and 1 1/2 steps ahead.  

I love my reliable straight and narrow father friends who ,because they have children and mothers beside them ,have not had the advantage or disadvantage I’ve had of freedom. I’ve not had any children supervision or been that worried about consequence. I have taken risks physically and financially and career standing up to and stopping the bullies but I’ve also danced on the tables and sailed alone across an ocean or climbed mountains alone facing all manner of extraordinary danger which I’d not if I was a ‘family man’.  I actually did worry about my cat and dogs

But today I’d rather be a 50’s girl. I’m struggling with the image of retirement. I’m working as a wage slave within the narrowest range of healing we can do using a tenth of my capacity because lawyers and beurocrats are micromanaging health care and they are more into the Thanatos ‘death wish’ than Eros “the life wish. They seem to know nothing of miracles and even placebo,  They are sluggish in their thinking and ideas which are so concrete. Piaget wouldn’t approve. I’m in a cage of rules that prevent flying and all I can do is triage in war and leave the leadership to fools like Trudeau. I’m a foot soldier in the days of King George the 3rd.  Years from now they’ll find that there was a new ssyphillis that infecthed the minds of the UN dictators.

I’m old. It surprises me. I don’t really know what to do when I grow up. I’m doing okay. I’m a little Dutch boy with his finger in the dike hole doing the next right thing but I don’t feel I’m going up. Rather I’m holding my own,.  I used to be in joy with psychiatry loving helping the patients over and over again, watching them giving up death and suicide and addiction ,feeling good with my work.  I don’t have that same joy. The government invests in lies and euthanasia and Christians are persecuted and evil ideals prevail.

I was an idealist as a man. That was animus to me. My anima is ‘live and let live’….go with the flow and ‘don’t rock the boat.  “I’m a pacifist girl and have no desire to be on top. I like to wear panties and bra and remind myself I’m not wanting to fight. I’m old. I’m full of estrogen. The television and the university are full of Greta Thunberg. Girls voted for Trudeau. The feminists promise us they will protect us from the communists and rewrite history and deny the evil of women and that Hitler and Stalin and Mao had mothers and wives and girlfriends.  Perhaps more evil than them. The divide and conquer along feminist lines is women good, men bad,

I’m good there fore better to be a Mad Molly than get caught up in the English French insanity.  The old are the persecuted today. 

We saw that with Covid.  

The old are wasted with the devastation to their pensions and their lives of hard work stolen and belittled.  I’m one of the old. I dress like Klinger in this war.

I wouldn’t mind breasts but I’m rather fond of my Willie.  I loved learning that 10 % to 30% of men were having sex into their 90’s I’m all for being in that group,  More women are having sex too. I’d like to pleasure my partner and be pleasured but I don’t want to carry a bride to the bed room or do any of that harlequin romance or dirty 50 shades of grey shit. I’m a DH Lawrence sort that would like to play on the grass at the picnic. I sometimes miss marijuana because we spent hours lovemaking and now it’s not the process but the end.  I guess there’s the surprise in lasting.  Orgasm.  Rated or over rated.  

I’ve loved the psychologist friends and female doctors I knew who had long term relationships with males and females.  Even now I know so many that switched sides after decades of marriage.  A change. The psychologist said I love a person and if I love the person I will love the body. They’d been wth a man for 20 years and were with a woman for 20 years. They didn’t have morality or believe in the anti homosexuality so prevalent in those who need a scapegoat.  Cherry pickers from the bible who love to point fingers but deny their own sins. Everyone carrying signs saying my sin is less than yours. 

I’m into gluttony with Covid. I’ve got my 20 lbs and bought my first container of egg nog. I suspect it will be my last. I’m too fat for Christmas.

Advent. The coming of the king.

So many I have known have died.  Jim Donahue sang, Coming of the King before Christmas and moved me to the core,  

Now I enjoy that I can wear a dress to the mall and get my hair done and no one seems to care, I was early having long hair and was shot at and was chased through corn fields of Saskatchewan by four guys with base ball bats screaming kill the hippy.kill the long hair. 

It’s probably why I cling to what’s left of it. And still swear being attacked for saying fuck by Elliott’s hollow men.

I guess I have ptsd.  

I loved Travelling Wilbury’s. 

Handle me with Care. Going to the end of the line.

The dead are light points of darkness in the sky where constellations once were. I look up and the Big Dipper is gone. My brother and father and mother. The North Star is not there. Orion is absent. Cassiopeia is a point of darkness. Bernie, Hank, Scotty.  

I find it hard to get close.  Every one seems mortal to me and I’m like the Highlander.  I feel lifetimes along and so few are continuing to survive with the future more of this while I just want to play. Girls just want to have fun . I miss the dance. Jesus said do not be afraid. It’s all fear porn today.

One day I’ll ‘retire’ and maybe return to theatre and dance , play guitar around campfires, ATV in the woods with my dog, sail oceans again. . Right now I’m doing my “duty”.  I’m stoking the star maker machinery behind the popular song.  Carrie get out your cane. 

I can’t even relate to the music today.  Love the symphony.  Appreciate history.  Like walking among art. Contemplation, prayer , meditation,  

I find people say away from me when I cross dress.  Young, they bullied me but today I’m old and keep  my space if respected but as an old man I’m threatens  Young Turks and Young Thugs.  I jumped in the air and kicked the leader of the gang right in the face as they came for me.  I took out two with jump kicks and kneed a third in the face and the rest held back as I then ran. I was young and full of life,  Now I’d pull my groin muscle if I jumped in the air.  When the Muslim muggers in Athens assaulted me screaming ‘kill the infidel’ ,  stealing my gold cross for money not for religion, I’d only been able to run, my first martial art,

Yet when the dark men on Davis Street who were assaulting single femine men hospitalizing them circled me in my high heels I realized how vulnerable women dress , dependent on the group and the society. Faced  with these barbarian low brows I was rather frightened that I was going to get hurt and wasn’t going to be able to out run them in high heels.  As a man I’m always carrying some kind of weapon, Boy Cout prepared with Leatherman or Swiss Army Knife or worse.

it’s strange.

When I’m alone I have no limit to the thoughts and imagination. Among friends I settle into the role. When I’m sexually active with a woman there’s little desire to be anything more than her partner but alone without plans and a world of choice I’m wondering if I should go bungee cord jumping, take a course in sky diving or get a ticket to Thailand to have breasts. I really like breasts and having my own pair might reduce the pangs I feel when the girlfriend leaves.  All the women I ‘ve known have had marvellous breasts and my lesbian friends tell me that they’re as enamoured with breasts as I am. But then I’ve loved all aspects of women except the false acccusations, lies and deceit and evil which is forgiven by women so that they don’t seem to manage their own so often where as I’ve many times controlled men who would hurt women.  All the causes I’ve been in defending ‘underdogs’ and now I’m growing old and don’t feel the safety of the group,.  I don’t feel my mind is anything but in high heels in a court of jackals. That’s fear.

Jesus said “Do not be afraid’.  ‘Jesus never said anything about women in business suits’.  He never said anything about men in frocks either.

Oh well. Time to dress for a hair apt.  

Shame

Hard Start, 5 Snooze bar presses

I was dreaming I was at a meeting of friends.  I think I’m missing my annual conference. I’d also lost a favorite medical text but had a binder with me.  I was streaming into a lecture theatre with a lot of good folk and the subject was spiritual and the presenter divine. I woke at 4 30.  I felt good. I used the washroom and crawled back into bed under the thick warm comforters feeling grateful. I’d gone to bed early too.  I’m reading Edinburgh Dusk, a detective novel placed in 19th century Scotland. Good late night read. I’m also reading a history of Scottish Art.

I woke again when the alarm went off at 630.  I hit the snooze bar.  I even hit it one last time after Madigan jumped on my face like a rodeo horse.  It was kind of a pout. If you’re going to interfere with my getting up, then I’m not getting up. I felt kind of 5 years old.  

I was feeling lonely, a bit like my life is bare. I’ve been working longer hours and everyone is in despair.  The APA said depressions were 3x worse this last year.  Just numbers but if the prevalence of depression is 30 % that means 90% are depressed. I was sad and irritated by a person critizing me and the staff for not seeing her more frequency or responding to her emergencies.  I wrote a letter saying I’ll never be able to meet her expectations. I read that the ‘burnt out’ ration for health care workers is 90%.  I think I’m doing good to get up and go to work. I liked reading Elizabeth Taylor saying, you just get up and fight through.’  I like saying to myself do the next right thing. 

I was up and dressed and haf the garbage and Madigan on a leash.  I immediately saw my beautiful neighbour. She stopped to greet Madigan. Her and her husband are in the film industry.  Then. Peter appeared with Madigan’s girlfriend Bella, and their new havanese Luka, only 10 weeks old.  The dogs has a marvellous sniff and greet while Peter and I talked weather and pleasantry.

I was so exhausted and brain weary and worked so late last night I missed my meeting. I watched a rerun of Charlies Angels and enjoyed the escapism and the pretty girls.  Silliness with action.  I ate canned soup and toast and went to bed early.

I loved the smell of the air and the sun was rising. I’d not seen the sun in days . It’s totally uplifting for my spirits. Friends are going and returning from Purerta Vuarta, Arizona and Florida.  I’m really looking forward to going to Grandad’s place of birth in Scotland.  I’ve been thinking of sailing so haven’t been able to sell my boat.  I believe my camper is being repaired. Thaun is arranging travel insurance. I liked talking with Anil who forewarned me there’s an age limit on RRSP contributions. I don’t see myself not working but the government is the enemy of citizens making it even harder to protect ourselves. They’ve invested our pensions in the Communist Chinese coal mines.

The Omicron variant is upon us. The Ghislane Maxwell/Epstein trial is on. The Best meme was Hillary phoning Ghislane saying ‘how would you like to hang tonight, girlfriend’.  Bill Clinton lies about all his time on Epsteins Island. Trudeau was there but Trump wasn’t and Trump banned him from his golf course.  But that’s just what the news fables say.  I’m in the midst of more revival about what I actually know and focussing on that. I breathed deeply today and the air smelt wonderful. I may be regaining some ability to distinguish scent. I lost that a few years back and couldn’t smell manure but could still smell smoke. I can’t smell light fragrance but still smell musk. Then every once in a while I feel I’ve been treated to the full sense of smell again and scents of the forest are as fragrant as this morning.

Life is good , all of the time. It’s perception mostly if not all.  My back is feeling better each day and it was really limiting there for a weeks or months.  Dr. Reddy the chiropractor is helping.  Then it’s sunny today and the storms seem past. 

Hallelujah! Thank you God for all your blessings. Thank you for Madigan, family, friends. This morning I thought I was alone and suddenly God put two lovely people in my path.  Thank you Jesus.  Now Madigan is playing happily on the rug rolling on his back with the long giraffe toy trapped in his paws while he chews on the ears. 

Thank you. 

Gratitude and Madigan Swollen River Walk

I chose gratitude as a title to uplift me. I slept in. I’ve done a long walk with Madigan. I’m thankful for air, and water and sunshine. I’m thankful for mind and heart. I’m thankful for Ethiopian coffee. I’m thankful for Madigan. I’m thankful for warmth

I enjoyed Wheel of Time. I loved Rosamund Pike.  I was thankful for the hot tub and swim yesterday.

I slept in this morning. 10 am. Latest I’ve slept in in a year.  I woke at 3:50.  I’ve done that this week . On my walk today I saw that the river had risen but the dike has several more feet of elevation .  I looked at in the wee hours to see if there was water in the streets.  We joked yesterday about my having my folding boat and outboard ready.

I’ve been reading of Scotland,

Adell actually found Grandad’s departure from Scotland. His birth was 1886. Dad used to say if he’d stayed he would have got in trouble for poaching salmon.  He was so upstanding here becoming the reeve but he loved to hunt and fish.  Dad loved to fish and I did in the ocean but not inland in BC.  I loved to fish in for pike and pickerel and bass in the interior.  Just never had the same success with rainbow. Loved ocean fishing, salmon and cod.

Now I’m here drinking coffee and considering a shower.  The walk was good today. Later I have the western canada docs meeting.  I meditated some. I’m feeling I’m on God’s bench in the game of life, waiting.  There’s a boredom when life is good.  No drama.  The threats at a distance.  I’m content and grateful. . All my problems are Cadillac problems. I love that I’ve paid the flights for the vacation and now have next the cost of hotels and major costs are taken care of I just need to keep working and saving and putting some away for the lack of income during my time away.  Work is hard. It’s draining.  Dispirited people and amongst them a soul sucker.  Rare but they are there.  They present as sad and victim but their anger is palpable.  They scare me and it’s eggshells to not offend them. They are searching for someone to blame and cannibalize for their poor choices.

I’ve had chicken lunch, read social media, walked Madigan again and had a billable conversation with a colleague. The rain is less. I’m puttering about.

Andrew thinks DNA test results aren’t secure enough and is concerned about family getting testing as smart devices can be targeted with family DNA. I contacted Hay Clan Geneologist to see if I could get more on grandad before I get there. Adell did a marvellous job of tracking his arrival in Canada. I passed results to Wayne Hay as one of the girls there is also interested in genealogy.

Gratitude,

Thank you Jesus.

Thank you God for this day. Thank you for my fingers and toes and Madigan.

Stormy day

Vancouver is now reconnected with the rest of Canada. The storms of the last weeks had flooded Abbotsford and Princeton and Merrit. The old Sumas Lake had reformed.  Courageous farmers and friends rescued horses and cattle. Mudslides destroyed parts of the Coquahalla.  I was here.  Unaffected except for the deluge of rain.  Not cats and dogs but raining hippopotamus and dinoasuras.  Torrential.  Now all are ready.  Crews on hand. It’s been raining steady for two days.  The river is high and some banks have been eaten away. I walked Madigan along the river.  Again it’s not really affected me.  Sandy said her husband has stayed in Vancouver because though they have opened the road to Chilliwack it’s one lane and lots of construction, the one hour commute now 6 hours.  In my church they are gathering clothes and food for the migrant workers who are stranded, their bunk houses and the land flooded.  

Today there were some food shelves empty at Walmart. I’d been to Costco last week and there was no shortage. I’ve a fridge and freezer and cupboards full of foods.  The booster for the Covid vaccines is becoming available. I’m planning on getting mine. 

I’ve been focussed on the birthday holiday.  A conference and a trip to my grandfather’s home. I’ve just read a great detective novel, Edinburgh Twilight (Ian Hamilton series) by Carole Lawrence. I’ve downloaded the next Edinburgh Twilight.  I find reading stories like this acquaints me with Edinburgh. I’m well in to the  Bloody Scottish History 

Aberdeen by Elma McMenemy . I’m enjoying the easy read. I’ve got several on the go including Scottish Art and Modern Art , a very short introduction, by David Cottington, a really excellent read. I’m wondering about going to the Tate and the Scottish Modern art galleries.  I’ve little love for the post impressionist period overall though the impressionist and surrealists and cubists were all outsiders in their day.  I just don’t enjoy Pollock as much as Gainsborough or Van Gogh.  I really like religious art especially mother and child presentations.  I confess too that I’m delighted to have a study focus now that I’m going to be visiting art galleries again.  I like reading of history, and art, and culture.  There’ s the. Medical school I’ll be visiting and I’m looking forward to Opera and Ballet. I was able to book the opera but am still trying to get tickets to th ballet. The server failed at the last minute and I’m not certain I have them or not. It’s very difficult to call because of the extreme time difference.

I’m considering a new jacket for the trip. I’ve grown fat so the one lined shell jacket which would be ideal won’t be comfortable with a sweater under neath. I plan to buy a High land sweater on arrival for the trip but need the right jacket. I think Mountain Equipment Coop is the likely place.  I’ve taken my long leather coat out of storage and am enjoying it though I didn’t wear it last year.  There’s something to be said for storage and wardrobes.

It’s raining heavily.  I took Madigan for a walk by the river. We had yoghurt and Cobs spinach croissant . I showered and dressed . Then I drove to Dr. Reddy who did another adjustment . His last adjustment a few weeks back really improved my flexibility and mobility and took away the sharp pain I had in the right lower back. After I stopped at Staples where I sat in an office chair better than mine.  I’m think the couch is a problem too. The chair is certainly better than the jury rig office I had at the beginning of Covid.  Now I’m doing much better. I’d love when the hot tub wasn’t jet less and we had to limit the number there. I don’t want to risk going over and having to turn back. I’ve been using naproxen most days and I’m doing better. A matter of weather too.  I bought Epson 110 mobile portable printer ink. This printer is turning out to be really great.  I also bought another pen , old technology but it’s a really beautiful Cross.  There really is a market to be made in ornamental jewelled tablets.  Phone covers are fine but like the pen the actual laptop and pad and phone could be ornamented.  I’ like my iPad with rubies and engraving. My silver skull head umbrella arrived.  It will give me comfort walking in the morning and late at night as I could fend off a predator, those times being dark and the time I as an apex predator would be prowling. I worry about my little guy out on point tugging on the leash.  I want to protect him. He’s a good boy. A fine little room mate.  Pulls my heart strings.

Adell got the chocolates I sent her. Graeme is recovering. I bought some Christmas pjs for Elliott and Fin. 

I’m now at home having had sandwiches and now drinking Ethiopian coffee wondering about going out looking for a jacket thinking myself silly for doing so.  I could go for a swim or read my Scottish or art history.  I am often restless and spend too much time on the couch watching Netflix. 

__________

I ‘ve  just returned from another walk with Madigan.  Down by the river. It’s swollen and fast flowing.  The bank is out in one place and a big tree has toppled with the great roots no longer holding as the river bank was eroded. It was dusk.  I took some pictures.  I had my new umbrella with the skull handle and steel shaft.  Felt better if a cougar , coyote or bear surprised me on the path. As it was two great st. Bernards came up behind me.  Madigan and turned back and was ready to play. We know them. Still they startled me. Hadn’t heard a thing. If it weren’t for Madigan a cougar or wolf would be on us. I’m going deaf and the rain muffles sound. I used these conditions to sneak up on deer in the rain and shoot them.  I’d not like to be walking at dusk or dawn without Madigan.  I had my long leather coat on which is protection.  

I feel badly .  I was talking to my neighbour and couldn’t help but comment on all the billions that was supposed to go to ‘infrastructure spending’.  The Liberals couldn’t say where it went.  It was supposed to dredge areas and improve dikes and roads but typical of Trudeau government rife with corruption it likely went to multi million dollar gab fests of party favourites.

I was thinking of doing another step 4 around institituions.  I am resentful at ‘Trudeau”, “federal government”, the UN,  IPCC, WEF and Agenfa 21 , Davos and now the Glasgow Orgy.  Why.  Because they take my money. It doesn’t affect my self esteem or personal relationships. Obviously it can affect my sex relationships because the stupid young girls love the shallow rich stupid guys like Trudeau and all those spouting ‘politically correct ‘ propaganda and fashion.  The Nazis early got laid a lot.  But really it’s just my money that I get upset with and the though that these little psychopaths could be putting more money into science and less into parties that are no different than they were a thousand years ago.  Talk fuck fests. I’d like functional MRI’s and PET scans . I’d like more medical research and anti terrorism and less corruptions. If our leaders weren’t such twits all our tax money wouldn’t be going to these luxury scams and the drivel that flows from the central BS.  

Oh well, what’s my part in it. I didn’t vote for the little dictator or his Quebec rodent followers and the scab voters who he favoured from other countries selected for likelihood to vote 30 years in the past.  The Liberal Party and Trudeau are as out dated today as Xi Jinping.  Marxism is a maggot crawling off the dead body of communism.  My part is that I voted for Trudeau and supported Trudeau when my father and mother told me that Trudeau senior was evil or twisted. They knew the family stunk and yet I was 20 and I liked Trudeau senior. Though that carnation lovely and liked that I shook his hand on ly to find out later he didn’t like shaking hands.  I sort of grabbed it.  Then his sick son came along and I’m paying for the silliness of my youth, listening to hippy world and not asking whose paying.  Now the eggs have hatched and the chickens have come home to roost

I have ‘fear of economic insecurity’, aging now and seeing Trudeau inflation and economic mismanagement.  

Yet I’m spending,  I could be more frugal like my family.  I’m working longer than any of them. I’ve worked hard too.  I like working. I like being of service.  I’ve all I need and my anxiety and fear is future based.  God is good all of the time. I need to get to meetings.  Yet I listen to anxiety all day.  I ‘m constantly ‘lending ego ‘ and ‘reassuring’.  Still I’m blessed.  This too will pass.  

There’s a South African variant.  I’m waiting for a booster. There’s a ‘vaccine passport’ I need. I’m waiting for insurance appraisal of my injured camper. I saw the card for the people who sell yachts.  I’m putting it off. May be I’ll sail to the Caribbean or Ireland yet. I’ve the boat. All I need is crew.  But I could sell the boat and focus on travelling with RV and truck   I’m waiting to hear about the Camper bccause I’ thinking of trading my  F350 2017 8 foot box 6.2 gas engine for the 6 1/2 foot box because then I could perhaps sell my little car. I simply can’t easily drive and park in city with 8 foot box but with the new surround cameras and shorter truck I could do well. I also take the gate off to put the camper on and with the short4r box I’d leave the gate on rather than having it off most of the year.  It’s an idea.  My fears are related to the possibility that my ‘plans’ won’t come through because of inflation etc.  Fear of economic insecurity would leave us.  Well I do tend to take my will back rather than accept ‘thy will be done’.  If that’s what God wants it will happen, Like the vacation .  

The bank just reinvested a mutual fund that came to maturity today. Here I am afraid of economic insecurity and I have a ‘mutual fund’.  I can get by. I just don’t want to ‘get by’. I want to continue to have this ‘good life’. I really am grateful for this good life. I have a nice place to live, clean water, clean air, heat.  I’ve work and madigan and Laura visits. I’ve family and friends. Thank you Jesus. Of course we’re a little worried the river rising. I’ve an inflatable in the garage and a folding boat on the side.  I’ve even got a couple of outboard motors.  It’s not as if I’m not prepared. I talked to a man today whose unable to get to his home in Kelowna because the roads are closed and he’s concerned about his house and property. My problems are Cadillac problems. Like what am I going to eat to night.  I’ve chilli or kraft or I could order a pizza.   Life is okay.  

Thank you Jesus.

 

Friday, after Madigan walk and first coffee

I’m working this morning. It’s normally my day off but the work has piled up and spilt over. Frankly there’s not much else to do when the rains have been so hard and I don’t feel ambitious.  I’m happy to work and help.  There’s reason to earn money for a change, The steady reduced income took care of my needs but now I’m planning a vacation, a birthday gift for Laura and me and it’s not just the cost. But I won’t be working for weeks.  People on salary with government and corporate jobs never understand that work slaves without benefits have to forgo income to take time off.  I did like that the NDP granted 5 mental health days a year. I won’t have to lie to myself as employer and employee of my own company, that I’m physically sick to take a day off.  I can just admit to mental illness and take a day off, in my case without pay.

We walked in the dark today.  Madigan didn’t like it.  He was thinking or smelling cougar, bear and coyote. This is the feeding time of the predators.  Pre dawn. I had my pen knife.  A little key chain thing that I imagined defending myself against all monsters with. I imagined little Madigan jumping on the back of the monster only to be swatted away,If he didn’t run first and look back to see if I was following.

Nice to get the day exercise done. I have laundry too. I sort of meditated.  

My life it quite serene. Paying the rent and gas and food bills.  Much harder with the Trudeau inflation but I’m getting by. It suddenly impacts on me that other are struggling with the floods .  Sandy describing Roger staying in the city because the 100 km commute has become 6 hours each way because of the road destruction and repairs. Others are sick. I’m in my little bubble with Madigan doing one day at a time , grateful, mellow. 

Planning a trip is exciting.  I’ve been reading a history of Aberdeen.  Extraordinary. Thinking of Grandad as a boy and me meeting him as a child who told me not to chase his chickens as it would make them tough to eat.  I loved him lifting me onto the huge horses.  I was on an elephant. Percherons.  I was 5 yo.  His house was beautiful polished wood but bare. I’m here in cluttered piles , dog food bags, shoes, just a clutter. Their house was bare floors and few pictures on the wall.  Pristine and simple.  He came to Canada as a young man to build a farm and log. He did both.  He became the Reeve.  In the end the lawyer stole his land and inheritance.  Literally stole it.  Made off with the money and was never caught by the police or fellow lawyers and judges.  A thief.  He took all the money he held for so many farmers. I’d meet those affected over the years.  We understood thieves but the system of support. Judges and politicians and police and lawyers all corrupt and ‘letting this lawyer steal millions’.  When they hunted down Obama Bin Laden I knew they could have found and captured this lawyer but he was one of theirs and never caught.  I have thought of vigilante justice but believe all those who colluded to take the wealth of hard working men like my grand father are rotting in hell and their families are cursed for generations. It’s not for me to do.  In another life time these evil folk who were the core of Nuremberg will castratrf and hanging pithed frogs from the city walls.  

I’m not sure granddad care. He worked and laughed,  Hardship was a way of life for him.  I’m going to the place of his birth to walk where he walked and pray.  I’ve had a life of relative ease compared to those children of the war years and rationing and being settlers.  Today life is good. I’ve heat and water and food and am thankful.  

Dad never went to his father’s home. Mom never did either. I’ve been to the birth place of my mothers family and have just the birthplace of my fathrr’s father to visit. I expect Graeme, Andrew or Alan will go too one day. To pay homage to the settler who pioneered in Canada facing the harshness of northern Canada and making a home.  

Meanwhile I’m arranging attending a Shakespearean Opera in Edinburgh half way around the world.  The distances are so much less.  Grandad took what he knew was probably a one way ticket to the wilderness.  I’ve flown all over the world to dozens of countries and most continents.  I’ve even sailed across oceans and bicycled across continents. I wanted to motorcycle Scotland but with Covid and lockdowns and my birthday I’m taking the first opening to go to this place I’ve thought so much about .  There are many places I’d still like to visit but this was top of the list.  I want to remember Grandad.  My father’s father. A hard man as men were who survived and thrived back then.  My father, his oldest fought. Dad left as a teen but they were friends later and Grandad’s visits were usually annually maybe more and an occasion.  Grandad would come with Dad’s brothers and the whole Hay household so ruled by Mom would change.  The north would invade the south. Grandad admired Mom and she respected him.  It was though like a king coming.  I read the visits of Scottish kings and Grandad’s arrival in town was like that. Always in an new big boat of a car, an Oldsmobile I think and Dad would take the men and us for dinner. They’re talk cattle prices and logging and I’d be enthralled. A World so far away and above the city.  When we visitted the north it was a boy’s delight. I loved my cousins and the freedom. Mom would be picking her way about avoiding cow pies and puddles in her shoes before she learned to wear galoshes.  I remember her visits north and how at first she was aloof from the earthiness of the farm then she adapted becoming more relaxed and laughing more.  I never saw her ride a horse but Dad did and I rode with him.  It’s hard to imagine grandad as a young man.  I knew him old when he sat tall on a tractor and was in charge.  A king of man.

Time to get ready and go to work in my garage virtual consulting.  

Thank you Jesus. Thank you heaven. Thank you God. 

Another Random Day

Madigan was lying beside me wanting to share my breakfast yogurt and granola bar. Now that I’ve begun to type, he’s left to get a stick to chew on.  I found this morning. He’d chewed another sheet. I have caught him in the act and stopped him. I’ve scolded him. I do just thinks it’s a nervous behaviour. It seems to occur when I leave him alone at home. I may get a lock for the bedroom.  Yet all his other ‘bad’ behaviours have come and gone.  He outgrows them. This is rare too.  It was a month since last time and I wondered if some food was spilt on the sheet.  

The problems of caring for the young.  Every month improvement.  He did nuzzle the nurses crotch last week.  She pushed him away kindly.  We laughed. She’s had dogs.

I’m grateful for this day. I had interesting dreams. I’m on an adventure wandering about groups of people looking for something or someone like one would in a flea market. No pressure . No stress. Just interest and curiosity.  

This morning when I walked Madigan the moon was still out waning but a haze in front of it. Still dark outside but not as cool and not raining.,  I enjoy breathing.  I can’t get enough of it.

I was thankful that Mary Lou texted me ‘see you tomorrow’ reminding me I’ve a drive to the city.  It sure helps keeping track of where I’m supposed to be. I have a calendar but don’t look at it unless there’s a problem or planning.

I included Archangel Michael, St. Thomas, St. Patrick, St. Francis and St. George in my prayers today.  Holy names are uplifting. I ask for help in my work , to know God’s will and to have the power to carry it out. I pray for compassion and protection. 

I’m concerned about finances watching my very hard hard earned savings dwindle with inflation.  I’m to meet with the bank. I’m considering trading in my truck anf with a smaller truck I can drive in the city maybe even selling my car.  I find it hard to know what to do.  Covid . Lockdowns.  Chinese war mongering.  Yesterday their nuclear planes flew over Alaska and Japan in a joint exercise with Russia.  Nuclear bomb threat again and buffoons like Biden and Trudeau in power.  It’s easy to be distracted and fear full. Floods and slides isolating the lower mainland just like my recurrent dreams of mudslides beginning decades ago. But I’m not in them so my life is blessed.  There really is no chaos today. I maintain myself worried about being overweight trying to exercise and walk and swim. I go to work. It’s a routine.  Nothing is really outside my knowledge or experience but I still have the rare psychopath anf they attempt to extort or threaten by saying they’ll complain.  Only last week a girl tried to get special attention with lies and threats so I refused to see her again .  I used to cure such girls of the manipulation and tendency to violence. They have too many allies in government. It’s likely a product of frugs and now so many beuroracrats are stoned .  I remember my Dad having to know which suppliers and workers were alcoholic.  ‘When they’re sober they’re good but you can’t depend on them.’  The same with the dope smokers . They can’t handle the stress.  I saw that in off shore storms. When I was smoking dope it was terror but when I was clean and sober much worse and more dangerous conditions were just dealt with.  

I say thank you Jesus a lot. If only for the joke Willie told me about ‘pass the butter’ and the family saying everyday things like that with the intonations of the televangelists.  Thank you Jesus is more a quiet remark and a reminder that the Creator is in charge.  I don’t want to mess it up.  I want to go with the Flow, be in the Now, let go and let gof. Thy will be done not my will. I don’t want to make it complicated. I want that attitude of gratitude. I don’t want to be a nosey Parker or critical Karen.  I really want to look to the good or look to God and resist catastrophising.  All day long I’m reassuring people whose vocal tones and emotions are nails ona chalk board.  At the end of the day I’m exhausted. It’s from lending ego and from gently disagreeing with people who want to kill themselves or extort something with threats of violence. I’m on edge all the time and in the evening I’m mentally and emotionally worn.  

Even now I’m waiting for a variety of tests long delayed to be done on patients who are more desperate with the waits,  

The sun is coming out. The overcast sky is listening. We’ve had some beautiful colours with dawn. The rains haven’t returned .  Rescuer and repairs continue It’s only a few miles away that people are without heat or dealing with flooded basements and cars.  It’s like when I was in Jerusalem and I saw the smoke on the other side of the city.  The television was showing the war zone and I was safe and warm and people were having coffee in the streets around me.  Whole towns are flooded but I’m in an island of safety hearing of the difficulties. Our church wanting clothes for migrant workers who had to flea there accomofdations with only the clothes on their backs. My other church friend feeding hundreds of displaced farmers in their church.  Here I am blessed with heat, water, refridgerator and clean clothes.  Thank you Jesus.  

Tine to go to work and hope to be of service. 

Thank you God for all your blessings. Thanks for your love and care of family and friends especially those recovering from physical health troubles. I’m at that age where so many people I know have had heart surgery or are recovered from strokes or have chronic illnesses they need to take medications for. Meanwhile my only complaint is that I have to be careful with my back twisting and lifting.  Small potatoes compared to so many others I know.  I’m in wonder at my age and quite surprised at those around me I know who are suffering so much more, their genetic package not as robust perhaps or more wear and tear. It brings one closer to one’s own mortality.  Thinking about life and death more.  Looking forward to the coming birthday. A milestone.  Each one these days has a special glow. Like milestones on Everest given all those I’ve known who have not been so blessed to come this far.  

Thank you Jesus Jesus Christ. God with in , God will come again,  Where is heaven. Within.  I am the bubble make me the sea.  The Hound of Heaven and hide and seek with God. I love seeing mothers play peek a boo with their infants.  Madigan now tearing up the yogurt container doesn’t believe I’ll return when I leave him still.  I am making a point to leave him for bits of time though I don’t know I can continue to buy new covers.  This too will pass. He’s such a good boy.  His patience grows each week.

Thank you God. 

A weekend with Laura and Madigan

The storms have passed.  Abbotsford remains flooded .The Sumas lake has returned. At one point all the routes into and out of Vancouver to the rest of Canada were blocked by flooding or landslides. The pictures of the destruction of parts of the Coquahalla were incredible.  Farmers and friends helping cows and horses to escape from islands in the valley.  Princeton and Merritt under water.  Canoes and flat boats being used on city streets.  Rescuing folk from second stories.  

The border to the US open but with the Canadian Trudeau requirement of testing to return.  Then the letting up as more backlash of sanity reaches the PM on permanent mental vacation, his wife lying about her family’s accomplishments and demanding a third nanny.  Emperor Trudeau and Marie Antoinette.  Wolfe is rolling over in his grave as Quebec allies with Saudi and fights Alberta oil while continue to expect the West to pay for the Snow Birds.  We only just learned that Quebec doctors work half the hours of the rest of Canada’s doctors.  Burn out is a western Canada problem as waitlists here increase.

Laura came with her bags on Friday giving no end of joy to Madigan.  He does pirouettes in the air when she arrives.  I hugged and kissed her and welcomed her home here while Madigan tried to hump her leg when he wasn’t vying for a three way kiss if we were on the couch on in bed.

I actually committed to the buying of air tickets for our spring vacation in the UK.  It’s a birthday present. Both of us are having momentous birthdays.  Meanwhile Madigan now one celebrated the anniversary of meeting Laura this weekend. It’s been a year.  He destroyed his bunny soft toy in celebration.  

With Covid and lockdowns I came to live only day to day, survival mode. The decision to commit to a vacation at the significant cost in these inflationary times of Trudeau greed and corruption took a lot.  When i did it though I felt like there was hope. I ‘d committed to the future. I also figured I could continue to work. I wonder about retirement.  Seeing patients and helping with my knowledge and experience continues to bring joy and a sense of satisfaction. I am thankful for the staff who address the administration issue. The government remains at arms length actually having better things to do than demoralize , humiliated and demean doctors for doing their work.  We continue without the promised resources and daily patients wake to the false promise of health care as they face more and more waitlists. 

Thank goodness Dave has a very conscientious doctor. My nephew had his heart procedure only to have a blood clot days later and a few more days in hospital.  The doctors are excellent and the nurses are too but the lack of funding and misappropriation of Ottawa and poor management means there’s holes through the system, I’m thankful when patients get good care and am glad to be there when I see they’re being overlooked.  

We did enjoy watching Tombstone last night and Jungle Cruise, the Disney fun movie with Emily Blunt.  Having done some service and felt the spiritual uplifting that comes with volunteerism I actually went to Costco for the first time since Covid.  I’ve been anxious about getting sick and taking all the precautions.  Now with a European trip planned I feel I really am motivated to be well, exercise, and sleep, with avoidance of unnecessary risk.  Costco was fine. Busy but not as much as I remembered.  There were all the fear mongering Menes on FB about shortages.  Gas prices were up and prices in general were high but there was all the meat and cheese and staples that Costco is famous for. I naturally bought more than I’d planned having mainly wanted steak and chicken and some drinks.  It was a good visit and Laura was there at the door to take the food after Madigan inspected every bag.  He came with me to park the car.

It was raining most of the weekend so we only had short walks. I had a good time arranging ballet and opera tickets overseas.  It’s like Kedging, putting this anchor into the future to get the boat of one’s life off the shore.  At least out of the shallows. I feel I’ve dived in.

The Rittenhouse Trial concluded with the boy being found not guilty. The judge agreed he shot in self defence and contrary to media coverage there was no racism. The men who attacked him were all white with horrible criminal records.  Unbelievably biased press coverage.

We also stopped by Coastal Ford to look at a new truck. I am considering trading mine in.  With a shorter box and the bigger engine of the new Super duty I could pull my Fifth Wheel within the specified parameters. I’m just on the cusp. Dave gave me a great idea of putting an extra spring in my present truck. But this one I have had to take off the tailgate when I have the Camper on. The tailgate is heavy and sits off most of the year along with the back up camera and step.  With the short box I would just put the tailgate down with the camper. My camper is in Frazerway waiting for the assessor to decide if the damage is worth fixing or if it will be written off and I’d need another camper. The question is would my camper fit the smaller box truck or would I get a smaller camper.  

These are all future oriented considerations .  It’s also a practical reason for work. I van pay for this with work rather than retirement savings. I could with a smaller truck also not need my car. I am considering selling my boat too so there’s a lot of considerations. Cadillac problems.  

I am thankful for God in my life. Daily prayer and meditation.  I am grateful for my life and reflect when I really didn’t care.  My back hurts but that’s been an off and on matter at different times in my later life. Old guys get tougher and share their back tales.  Nothing unique there.  

It was only a year or two ago that I wasn’t sure I’d want to live long but now I’m actually looking forward to life continuing. I don’t have a desire to escape from work. Working from home and part time in the office isn’t onerous and though there’s so much despair and anxiety I find the patients collectively are less aggressive .  This is even with my seeing a lot of people with addiction and psychopathy. I’ve always done the heavy lifting. Many of my patients are not wanted in psychiatric teams or in private psychiatric offices.  I’m pleased to care but refused another patient last week because she wanted perfection and was threatening blaming me for the limits of resourced that are directly the consequence of Trudeau’s corruption greed and mismanagement. 

Thankful Horgan and Dix continue to do well.It was sad to hear Mr. Horgan had throat cancer.  Hopefully he’ll recover.  So much stress.  Meanwhile Trudeau avoids any of it taking vacation after vacation when he’s not in his mothers basement appearing to have been on a run when he appears occasionally to blame Harper and Jesus for his failings.

I’m rude. I will one day need to forgive government. It was government that killed Jesus.  Yet he rose and will come again.  Hallelujah

Must get ready and go to work.  It’s a good day. Madigan and I saw Laura off and had a walk already. Now he can come with me and see his friends , Belinda and Karen at the office. He likes all the women there actually and loves meeting my patients thinking they come to play with him.  

Thank you Jesus! Hallelujah.