I’ve been in survivor mode since covid. I’ve relaxed with my time south this winter. I really did benefit from the sun rest and working virtual only 4 days a week with the clinics. I had a day this week with a patient threatening me because he’s been refused funding by another agency, another patient angry that I’d reported their extensive drug use in my report as a substance abuse issue. They’re definitely precontemplation in regards to change and were uninterested in knowing the effects of the various drugs they were using on the brain. Finally another patient was psychotic and angry at me because they didn’t feel they needed antipsychotic medications despite hospitalization. I was exhausted and all beat up and came home to see we will still dealing with the patient who threatened the clinic. I was peripheral in that but became anxious about work wondering if I really wanted to deal with the anger so many patients have these days because of the lack of resources, high costs and horrendous delays in health care. I feel as usual being a front line worker I’m the one that takes the hit while the back benchers and those out of touch on the space station called the shots then scapegoat individuals for the system flaws in the system created by the stupidity, ignorance, incompetence, corruption and greed of those calling the shots in Ottawa.
I was going to work and coming home and eating and watching tv and sleeping but I feel alive again. I did talk to my mentors and colleagues about the dangers in the workplace and the false accusations and entitlement and demands and the signs now in the clinics to not abuse the staff and that violence won’t be tolerated. It’s not surprising that no one wants to work on the front line. I was actually enjoying being of service until that day when the damn broke and all the verbal abuse and aggression came out, completely unrelated to me, but because of problems the patients had in their lives dealing with authorities.
Before Covid I was on a couple of boards and was taking theology course in the evening completing a master of religious studies as well as receiving an M. Div ironically from an online institute that was shut down. I have the Master of Religious Studies but the M. Div I’m amused by given the irony of a fraudulent colllege. I was only interested in that institute because the other M.Div’s with denominational and I wanted a non denominational degree. I loved studying theology and evening courses at Regent College, St. Mark’s Catholic and Vancouver Theological College. I have no difficulty identifying as a Christian and I am an Anglican but I find that some aspects of St. Paul’s Judaic cultural and historic teaching no longer seem true. I continue to be able to say the Creed and agree with that but it’s a challenge to accept the evangelical position of biblical truth. At the same time I don’t believe in cherry picking either.
The fact is I’m really excited about studying anthrooploy’s Ritual and Religion. At the British Museum I was most impressed by the exhibit of early man and astonished by the advances that have occurred in understanding of prehistoric man. I’d studied Anthropology of Canadian Natives at University of Waterloo enjoying the study of Boaz and others and read Prehistory (a very short introduction) by Chris Gosden and the Scots a genetic journey, by Alistair Moffat looking at what we’ve learned from such advances as DNA testing. It’s all fundamental to the psychotherapeutic work of psychiatry , understanding the need for ritual. I loved Dr. Jung and Dr. Freud’s work in these areas especially considering today that anxiety patients are experience without routines and the break down of the cultural and community supports.
I dreamed last night that I was sharing accommodations with women in the Meditarrean area. The significance was one of them asking for a bath or a shower. It reminded me of all the shitty dreams when I didn’t have a washroom or the hole in the floor was plugged. In other dreams I was in the third world hole the floor was wet and covered in urine and I had to balance tried to squat and keep my trousers from touching anything. It was a dream breakthrough last week when I actually had a white washed washroom with a new flush toilet. I love dream analysis and this represented an ultimate progress. Then to have last night’s dream of the my friend wanting a bath or shower and thinking that there must be one was truly exhilerating. Hope and faith were being restored.
I’m old now, a birthday just passed and that was the time of the clean dream. The Mediterranean habitat luxury living communities continues to be enjoyable . In the dream there were meetings and friends mingling and I confess I don’t know if it’s my future or heaven but it’s as positive a dream as those with my dogs. I wake feeling uplifted, grateful and capable.
I feel God is with me too. I pray always and feel carried on eagles wings.
I’ve completed the collection of paper I needed for the Anil Auluck my accountant. I’ve also completed the cleaning and organization that has me back here from having been almost 3 months on the road. I’ve a functional life and am thankful that I was able to complete that adventure.
I have a bucket list, lying on a beach in Phuket, a trip to Europe to visit Berlin, Vienna and Venice, a return to Ireland and Scotland, and a visit to my nephews and family in Ottawa and Napanee. I imagine the latter trip would be a drive with my truck and camper. My sister in law is selling their property and I imagine bringing back the hard bottomed dingy I had with the big sailboat I’ve up for sale. I’ll be happy with progress.
The fact is I ‘ve turned it over to God. So much is out of my control so I simply do the next right thing and continue.
I am thankful. Today it’s not raining and I took Madigan for a long walk. I would have walked further but my knee was seriously painful after I over did it a week ago. I’m having to pace myself. He liked our visit to the off leash park and I imagine I’ll do that again soon.
My expresso machine began to act up so I bought a new one only to find it’s not working optimally so I’m considering returning it today.
Everyday errands and cadillac problems abound. I just work away at it.
Thank you God. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Holy Spirit.
This was the snow days last week then we had the hail and then the rain. Today is dry. Grey sky but pleasant. I’m thankful the snow and cold sleet are past. In like a lion out like a lamb is the old march saying. I’m hopeful we’ll continue to see the weather improve. The light is better and the clocks change today.
I love my new helmet mount. I might even get out on the motorcycle this weekend.
We’ve had some beautiful skies and sunset . Mostly I’m pleased I’m looking up and paying attention.
The best buddy. He keeps me active. Loves to go for a walk and take me along.
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