Feeling Bullied

Why God must I be bullied again?  I’m at the end of my life. I have served and done good for decades. I had some doubt and blamed myself and accepted that I was at fault when younger again and again the institutions bullied me. I accepted when I was caned and strapped in the school. I accepted when I was lied too. I always thought that if I was more experience, more educated, older, wiser I’d not face this bullying. It just goes on.  I feel trapped and harassed and my time and presence demanded for the greed and avarice of others. I’m not left alone to do what is good. In a middle of an epidemic with many new consults a week and constant complex questions in my speciality I’m fully engaged . I’m burnt out and depressed and tired.  My back hurts . My brain doesn’t work it’s overwhelmed. I can’t return all the phone calls. I’m daily faced with more and more demands. Then the institutions step in, this gang, and they demand I put all aside for them, for their money making. There is no pay for me, no compensation.  

No wonder doctors are no longer coming from the highest ranks.  The autonomy and freedom and independence and in fact the authority to make decisions is rapidly being reduced to a hierarchy where the administration tell these ‘technicians’ what to do. The arts students are a dime a dozen so they take leadership roles and rule like the communists and terrorists.  The scientists and those indispensable are reduced to the 19th century vision of the dead. 

I’m weary. I thought there’d be flying cars and robots and safe travel and dancing in the streets. Instead we have bullies.  Bullies and more bullies.  

I was minding my own business, working in my own world, doing my best and out of the cracks they came. I trained to be a healer. I heal.  The beurocrats need imitation. They demand I mirror them. They have these theatre’s of the absurd.  They insist I play their games speak their language.  It’s all pontifications and pompous and the rewards are untold money for the players but not for me. I’m shanghaied , taken from my lowly work and dragged before the bullies to do a little dance.  

I always wanted to be a writer. I wrote several books and stopped. Mainly because they wanted me to perform.  I did my time on stage. I performed. I appeared on radio and tv. I danced. I was offered positions and scholarship. I received awards.  Now I don’t so much want to appear before anyone but the absolute minimum necessary for my work.  

I want to be camping. I want to be in the forest. 

Right now I’m longing to walk in the footsteps of my grandfather in his hometown. I felt Jesus when I walked in his footsteps in Israel. I know I shouldn’t need a prop.  It’s just that Grandad had a mission and children and followed in the path of his father and his father. I have no cattle and it’s too late to farm.  I was okay to doctor. But now what do I do, keep doing this more and knowing that facing bullies shortens my life by years.  The old warriors hung up their swords at 50. I’m decades past that and continue to defend the mentally ill. But no one defends me. I’m lost and alone and waiting for death and torture.  There’s pay back for doing well. I’ve never pressed too hard. I know what they do to martyr.s

Christianity teachers the perfect man and son of god is crucified by the authorities.  

The oldest law of the world is the Chinese Law of the Fish: there are big fish and little fish. The little fish must be fast and numerous.

I want to visit the museums and art galleries and see the latest architceture and the wonders of engineering and transportation.  I want to be touched by the greatest creations of man. All around me the communists and terrorists are destroying the works of wonders. The cancel culture is the deepest of evil.  Censorship and eventual destruction of anything but what the bullies want.  Propaganda and marketting. I want to see the Mona Lisa before it is destroyed. I want to stand again at Magdalene College and remember how I left entertainment for academics. I want to be uplifted.  I am so weary of the corruption of this country.  It’s in my face and I want to turn my back on the lack of ethics and morality and apathy.  I am afraid. I pray and I meditate and i reason with my fears. I dispels them with ceaseless prayers but rather than looking at the light my focus wanders and I see the darkness.  

God is good all of the times.  

This too shall pass.

I was up half the night with the nightmares again. I saw the little girl dying because the bullies killed her. I’m so tired.  Tears stream down my cheeks as I think of those few I could not defend. There were so many.  Victims all. I rescued . I redirect. I wrested the god of addiction and pulled countless individuals from the darkness. I walked into the darkness. I did miles in others shoes and walked them back. I point out the detours when the roads had been bombed and ruined. I was a guide and covered their backs as they struggled forward.

I’ve made it this far but just as I’m crawling on my belly to what I believed was my well earned reprieve the bullies attack. They know my weakness.  I can’t fly away. I can’t escape. I’ve given all my blood as transfusion for the wounded. Now they’re monsters screaming. I was mugged in AThens. I was shot at .  I was knifed. I was falsely accused and billy clubbed . I’ve been lied to too many times. I’ve been bullied and now……gaslighted…..and I’ll get up another day and carry on.  

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, thou art with me.

Always God has protected me.

Death is just a passage to be with my parents and family and friends again.  This is just a little room in a trillion rooms. It’s just a blue dot.  

All shall be well. All shall be well . All manner of things shall be well.