This weekend I’ve been faced with taxes. I’ve collected all I need but this year I’ve been doing it ‘digital’. The difficulty now is generating reports for Anil.
I have further been unable to access the Scotia banking app. It requires a password but my Pw had been facial recognition. I have the app on the ipad and it’s working but I’ve not had it working on the new phone. I was afraid to change passwords because the absurd password function requires me to give them information that is really bizarre from within the account I am trying to access. I had this same problem when I started the app. It required a phone call. The problem with the phone calls is that the wait time is a “over 20 minutes’ . I gave up after a half hour or closer to an hour realizing that the bank isn’t watching call need with staff. If ever there was a time to hate bankers it’s now as the elite make obscene profits off Covid.
Meanwhile I’m struggling with my thoughts and their tendency to drift into that cognitive behavioural mire of ‘self pity’ and ‘anger’. I’m overwhelmed by this subpoenae to court by the greedy and elite. I’m dealing daily with life and death and these lawyers in the interest of greed are demanding I leave my practice for a day to be available to discuss a report I wrote a decade ago. The case fell down because the people wanted more money. I was fired and it was all chaos. My positive report at the time served them and was reasonable but I have no idea where things are today and this 19th century legal lie about ‘memory’ is fundamentally archaic. The conventions that exist in the law and politics are 19th century and frightening. I’m having nightmares again nightly faced with the prospect of going to court.I can’t stand the court anymore after a judge in a hissy fit or error and rage and corruption tried to destroy me in his error given he’d chosen the errors of a junior to condemn my patient. The judge was corrected for his error and I was just doing my job. I was telling the truth and doing the next right thing and this awful human being called me a liar without proof and defended a coke dealing sociopath to the cost of my patient and her family. Some personal vendetta, some karmic event where the dirty man had dirty money and paid a fortune to spite the little girl who had nothing. She’d become addicted to coke getting her coke from lawyers and doing coke with lawyers. I saw her and helped her bccome clean and sober. Her coke partner stayed on coke with illegal money and set out to hound her to her death. When she died his judge and lawyer came after me and everyone who had defended the little girl. It was the greatest evil I’d seen in court. The courts here are 90% okay but corruption is rife. The marijuana industry was 80 billion a year. The fentanyl and other drug industries are more. The money laundering in the city is 400 billion one estimates. Gang wars leave bodies dead in the streets. The Pistons cannibalism and missing girls and pedophilia are all alive and well but obscured by the censorship of the press. This all doesn’t happen without corrupt judges. I just think I was lucky that 90% of the judges I came before were really okay. I wouldn’t have been there if it weren’t for my oath to help my patients and the requirement for me to serve them. I decided that my patients who were head injured and traumatized needed me to know enough about the law and injury so I even attended courses and prepared reports for my patients. The forensic lawyers are some of the highest paid in the profession. I wasn’t . I’ve always ended up at the lower end of income because I’ve worked with those most in need or with the highest risk least desirable.
In the world of AA and NA there’s all this angst but the fact in patients with drug addiction and even in recovery are the least desirable of patients because they’re the most entitled and angry and complicated . So I’m working with these people every day. It’s supposed to be because I’m empathic and because I binged drank. I never drank more than my colleagues who still drink and do drugs. There was a group of us. I sought help because my ex wife had become dangerous in her addiction and at times wholly dysfunctional when she wasn’t doing the most bizarre behaviours. She refused to go into treatment and refused to stop doing drugs and refused to get help. So I sought help. I accepted that I couldn’t drink and often slipped and said ‘my wife is unmanageable.’ I’d actually said “I could treat a hundred insane people and get paid or spend the day with you alone and not get paid but I couldn’t do both. She was actively suicidal at the time. And I asked physician help for help. Their agenda was to separate us and treat me. I was struggling with my marriage failing after my last marriage failed after I was raped and drugged with my supervisor a famous doctor from a famous doctor family, all above the law. I’d begun to drink after that or when I was taken hostage or when I was in the plane crash and mercy flight. It was all trauma but the friend of the psychiatrist who abused me said I was schizophrenic and delusional about those claims ….eventually I’d be seen by other pscyhiatrists who were not part of the sex with student gang and not related to the original psychiatrist and they all said I was okay. No schizophrenia.
I concluded that with the world so scared I couldn’t afford to drink or smoke a joint because these people in charge who owned the world would do terrible evil to me. I’d go on to work pro bono for a good lawyer righting wrongs in the legal system, helping prisoners falsely accused and terribly wronged and I knew and was afraid of what I saw being done here. The only balance was when I worked for the refugee system and saw how much worse it was in other countries. The religious dictatorship of Iran and the South American dictatorships and communist dictatorship.
I’ve made some progress, accessing the bank app on the iPhone 13. I’d had it on the iPad but can’t download reports. Have to get tax data to Anil.
I get distracted by Amber and Billy stories and pictures. I want to create a book and self publish as well as the psychiatry book and travels with cockapoo,, I could expand it to dogs including Shinto and Stuart.
I really would like to do a few month trip with camper through southern us, maybe even drive into America. It’s all too dangerous. I don’t think Amber thinks like an old lady or Billy like an old man. These fictions characters of fiction are both at most 40. I’m curious at how I’ll be after this vacation and birthday. Laura seems to be aging well and more anxious about the adventures I plan. I don’t think she is happy at the idea of heading up to Alaska or down to Louisiana. She seems happiest with her sister and they had their adventures young and now are growing old more gracefully. I even thought of riding my motorcycle down to Argentina but now fear accidents. I’d sail my sailboat down to the Caribbean but fear the cost of damage to the boat. I’m mostly thinking of fears of cost or harm to body. I once just jumped in. I miss the bravery. I miss the adventure. I love in a strict routine, working, producing money and paying off the mortgage.
I love the spring and summer and camping and already am looking forward to it but don’t like the idea of winter next year and would gladly head south and spend three months working virtual out of Arizona. I like Arizona.
I’d like to get my boat where I could use it. This having it up on land isn’t good, paying thousands for storage isn’t good but if I sell it now I lose in tax, better to sell things when I’m not working. I can’t have RRSP’s next year so more tax. I don’t think I’m working smart and not really enjoying work so much. Covid, lockdown, election, politics make everything difficult and confusing.
Work is taking up too much of my mind with this subpoena and all the Beurocratic and administrative demands and government a predator. I’m afraid to retire given the rank abuse of the elderly. I’d like to write and travel and succède as a writing making money to carry on but fear cases like this 10 years old and me being subpoenaed to appear and play the lawyer game where they act like they know memory and what occurred a year ago is changed by politics and time. Retrospective falsification and fashion all the social court matters.I’ve already had to deal with a judge who argued Moynihan’s Law existed forever when in fact it was created and didn’t take into account the oath a doctor takes to serve his patient. Unbelievable. I am an expert witness and assist the court but my first duty as a doctor is too my patients so here was anew law which attempted to put the judge above the covenant of doctor patient. More Trudeau dictatorship. It would be easy to sell out the patients but the fil political college demands that the doctor perfectly please the patient and popular doctors don’t get complaints. Smart doctors avoids addicts and borderlines because they complain. Because I refused to give drugs to patients they complained the the college whose process cost me $1000 destroying private practice and prejudicing doctors against mentally ill and addicted.
I want to go somewhere I can treat patients and be judged on the morbidity and mortality not gossip and political correctness. I am afraid of patients too. I faced the guns and knives they brought into the office and threatened me with, but now I know the college will back the criminals and liars and psychopaths. The man threatened to kill me and his dog and his employers and his lawyer and I was faulted by the utterly incompetent cowardly ignorant college for critic ing me for not seeing and bêlaient his lies. I read when they built the walls of Jericho the enemy would attack so they had to half the workers and make them guards. All I have is time and the beurocrats and lawyers have time and are paid forever while I and my patients are without time or resources and I feel time and resources are finite and I’m being punished forced to appear in court, unpaid, bullied, threatened, cancelling a day of work all so everyone else can make a killing. It’s just about their money and I’m punished for proving above and beyond the care and time till I was fired because I wouldn’t lie or and now they want me to face the same old dilemna where I’ll be in court with a judge who has already proved he’s an enemy of physicians and I’ll risk answering truthfully a question that could upset the the family because they are so greedy and will blame me if they don’t get more more more and the family never was mp patient and the family refused to see a psychiatrist and I don’t know but fear my patient will suicide because that’s what happened the last time a judge didn’t care or know about mental health and from his 19th century mind and given he listened to a corrupt ignorant reprehensible junior I’ll trained wrong person created hell. I’m having nightmares and my mind won’t work as it keeps sliding into the past despite all I do to think positively and skip the triggers. I’ve asked for help and the junior person is well intentioned. My fears are catastrophic and each day I go to work I feel because I’m not getting sleep and am so anxious and depressed I can’t be perfect like the college demands of all doctors. Be perfect because we’re not. Their hypocrisy and arrogance are so pathetic but we have a little ignorant elite bully pervert in PM office kowtowing to the murderous corrupt Communist chines.
I don’t know. I’m enjoying sun and walks with the dog around the neighbourhood. I burnt my meal last night and ate it.
Im enkyoying tv.
This new massage mat has helped my psychosomatic back pain. I was cane and strapped in school and raped at university and always I was blamed. I love God and sometimes just want it to end but know that’s just crazy because my life is great and only my mind is the problem. I have to get it into the present.
My dog has his paw on my side and the sun is shining.
Get your head in the same room as your ass.
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