Hot

It’s hot.  90 degrees hot. Madigan sat on my face this morning. He’s up at five now. I slept in till 730 fighting him off. Even the dreaded tongue in nostril trick didn’t move me.

It was the clammy heat that did it. I decided it was time to open the doors. All the windows were open all night. I put on the air conditioner too. 

Madigan and I walked down the Brunette River walk. That’s where I saw the Great Blue Heron.  So glad to have my camera.  

Back at home meditation and exercise. Not much enthusiasm.  I did like the coffee but had to turn the air conditioning off to use the espresso machine.  Yesterday  I blew the 30 amp circuit. 

I’d thought of going to church this morning, considering wearing white.  Then I saw that the service was zoom. I’ve not much enjoyed zoom church or zoom meetings. Only the educational zoom and work zoom psychotherapy, mostly psychopharmacology, has worked well. 

We’re camping this week. I’m really looking forward to it.  Lounging and fishing. A road trip to the interior. I upgraded my security and stored the hunting materials till fall. Dropping off the ATV for service and winch installation.  I’ll be set for bow hunting then rifle hunting. Will be glad to get a deer this fall and introduce Madigan to grouse. 

On Friday Madigan rode on the back of the Harley to Rogina’s to pick up her beautiful painting of Gilbert she did before he died. I’m looking forward to having it framed and on display.  Now Madigan is the biker dog and will this fall become the bird dog. He’s half way there to being a therapy dog. Just needs to be a little more patient.  He still gets bored easily.  Not so much chewing and damage this week.  He’s pooped outside the whole week. Morning and night walks and I don’t have to pick up his pee pads.

The clammy heat reminds me of some days in Saipan.  I had air conditioning at work and in my apartment. The breeze was great on the beach. But some days the humidity would be like it is here. I remember Mexico rarely had this kind of humid heat. These memories are so fond. I loved my time on Saipan and in La Paz.  A girl on FB posted a picture of herself in the Bahamas.  It reminded me of the lovely time I had there with Julie, Bill and Bill.

I have the new folding piano. It’s sits along the back of the sofa by the Christmas Cactus plant.. My Martin guitar is at the other end of the sofa hanging from the wall.  I don’t play much music these days. Going partially deaf made me somewhat self conscious the first year.  TB medications likely.  But I like to blame it on ‘Guns, rock and roll and ex wives.’  More cachet.

I’ve not even listened much to the stereo.  There’s been times. For weeks I wore earbuds when I walked and listened to tunes on my iPhone. I don’t listen to the radio in the car much because of all the communist propaganda.  In the war they called one ‘Tokyo Rose’.  I wonder if we can call ours “Ottawa Ollie”.  

I’m roasting coffee green beans now.

I gave Madigan a cold shower and shampoo. It’s turned him into a zoom beast. He clearly enjoyed the aftermath and didn’t really mind the shower. Now he’s rubbed himself on every fabric in the place rolling around on the bed and couch and the rugs. Glad I washed the rugs last week.

I am blessed so much by God. I would feel and know the presence more. When I meditate Madigan thinks it’s a game and buzzes by me.  I’m able to find that centre of peace at times. It’s like he’s jealous of my in attention. Babies do that.  Sense the mother not paying attention and cause a fuss. Malidigan will have no other gods before him.  

This morning my back hurts more. Different stretches yesterday. I really should be in a tai chi and yoga class seeing chiropractors and doing physiotherapy.  I’ve the new desk and may get a new chair. I remember when I had my work space with my chair so set up I loved most being at work sitting in the office listening to patients. Now my favorite place is the sofa.  I’m working on getting that happy work space.  Here I’m sitting ,back straight, on the side of the couch.

I need to write more dialogue

‘What do you need, Bill” 

‘To write more dialogue’.

‘Why’

“ I like dialogue in the books I read. It’s probably the work of punctuation that steers me away.’

“Why not try some other punctuation process?

It’ possible.

“I’m having a cool bath.’ Laura texted me this morning. “My apartment is so hot I’m planning on getting my nails done to get away from this heat for a few hours”

“I had a cold shower. “ I texted her . That was before I bathed Madison. She’ll be impressed to hear that.

I’ve a trip to Canadian Tire for a cot so I can lie on my front and tan my back. I suppose a blanket would do but here I’ve no space for that. 

I believe in God. I believe that I am an electromagnetic halographic reality in a quantum mind of God with infinite dimension and parallel universes. All of these paths stem from the present. Practicing the presence of God I know God now as a ‘wee small voice’ or the silence within. I’m able to close my eyes and envision light. My breath is the umbilical cord to the rhythms of the univerves. The breath of god, the coming in and going out. I have slowed my breathing down to stillness but now I’m enjoying my body. I had the thought that this wasn’t a prison or a suffering or even Maija but a gift. I’m enjoying the dance of life. In time I’ll pass to the next realm. Now I’m enjoying pleasures, food, sex., sights , sounds, smells, Madigan, friends, work. Colleagues. 

I am exploring the anima or female side of myself, the path not taken.  I am of an age where men and women differ less and childbirth is no longer the principle drive beyond survival.  I feel weighted down as a man with the constant threats and attacks and the life long need to defend and protect and provide. Needless to say women don’t today care or assume it’s for granted. Seniors and especially men are routinely abused.  

I’m reflecting often on my bisexuality.  There’s au drab and au femme.  I fantasize about a sex change and a new life and identity.  Leonard Cohen, I want a new face.  There’s no end to neediness and little reciprocity with girls and government. Individually I’ve been blessed. Certainly I love mothers. My mother was such a saint and loved me far more than I ever could return. I took her for granted. The wives were a treasure at times. Giving meaning and purpose and joy to existence and then the cricitism, neediness, and constant demands.  I remember thinking I didn’t need a mother and how there wasn’t this adult function in the wife, either little needy girl or demanding judging bad mother. I actually have had so many times when women were the best of companions. I so enjoy Laura’s company . Friends for decades now.

We’re planning another camping trip.  This year to come is an after COVID sort of easing forward. I’m looking forward to going to Aberdeen and South Ireland.  Next year. I’m probably going to plan the Aberdeen trip in the off season. I’d like to go to South of Italy too and Brazil.  There’s the Phillipines and Africa and East Europe all calling.  I’ve the canal trip to the Caribbean to sail and expect if I were to trade my boat that would be a marvelous adventure. The inside passage. Alternatively I could accept that I have my sailing boat and manage with it’s size and weight and head out to cross the Atlantic. If I gain self confidence again I might do it. The work is daunting. I ‘d rather travel around in my truck and camper with a motorcycle exploring more of North America.  There’s the deer hunts and moose hunts to come.  Not enough time. I spend so much time working and making money to do these things with more than half my effort going to taxes for corruption and greed of people hell bent on supporting slackards, terrorists and cronies.

I’m blessed. I’ve so much here today. I have my dog and my home and work and I’m slowly paying off the mortgage. I’ve paid off the massive debts of two marriages with spendthrift women who were so smart to ensure the man paid. I tire of that. I can so easily raise resentments but they’re not true.  We had good time and bad times and I was truly blessed to known and be apart of the lives of such amazing women.  I truly loved my ex wives.  They were definitely the best of a bad lot . I laugh. They probably thought the same and would make an equally sound case against me and feel so ‘hard done by’.  Such victims in the end. I never knew.  But then we know people deeply in relationship and our expectations are so different. If we’d not been in a Marxist slackard society perhaps we’d have done better. Work was so demanding.  We were both so tired and had such demands of perfection placed upon us while the authorities were creepy and abused us. Then there were their mothers, talk about creepy and psychotic. Both my ex wives mothers tried to kill their husbands, now isn’t that a pattern.  Oh well. That was then and this is now.

The coffee beans are roasted. The laundry is outside drying .  The dog is drying. I’ve thanked God and will continue to thank God.  Grace.

Thank you Jesus.