Another year clean and sober. This was a tough one with COVID and isolation, the media and government paranoid and sounding like they’re drinking more than usual. I wouldn’t be surprised that mushrooms were doing as big a business as marijuana in Ottawa. Being clean and sober one sees the obvious tell tale signs. People knew that last year I wasn’t at my best. I put it down to my wife’s addiction and depression, dishonesty and refusal to get help. I was seeing a psychiatrist who ultimately lied and will himself face his maker knowing that he sacrificed his patient for his own wealthy and status. A coward but then he told me he was. He did try to help me get help for my wife, recommended we send her out of the country to get away from the cocaine dealers. She was dangerous at work. I’d struggled with that having reported a doctor who being impaired and negligent was associated with the death of patients. What if it’s your wife? I’d shown loyalty to my profession and been repeatedly punished severely for integrity. Now who was I to be loyal to?
‘Who cares about the patients. They’re like the enlisted men. You’re an officer. You’ve got to spend less time with the enlisted and spend more time with staff. You lose sight of the big picture,’. He said. Exmilitary. Arrogant. Trying to help. I thought he was a narcissist. “You’re too sensitive. You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette. So what if a few patients die. Your job is to be a team player.” He said. He’d wanted to advance. He just saw the politics as chess and made friends as they served him. He did do a good job. Like the British military. He was unethical but in his own way a good man. Very bright and very impressive in so many ways. I was different. Not a company man for sure. I didn’t have a wife who was principally interested in her children. I’d married career girls, party girls really, a princess. I was supposed to serve their every need. I was the ‘wife’. They were feminists. Peculiar people. And thought the same of me.
They all drank and some did drugs, some smoked weed, some did coke but they all drank. I smoked a pipe first, then cigars and finally cigarettes. I rolled drum hill and spliff, the leaves of marijuana plants. The growers took the buds and I was given this garbage bag of spliff those last weeks. I was rolling and smoking. I’d tried to quit smoking 3 or 4 times, lasting months or a season only to start smoking again when I was drinking. I was a binge drinker. Work hard play hard. I’d get drunk on vacation but at home was a ‘social drinker’. Only at parties when we had people over on a weekend would I indulge. It was a typical pattern of wine drinkers. California sober someone called it. My psychiatrist didn’t think it was a problem. It was so common in the faculty , smoking dope and drinking wine. No one being impaired. But my wife couldn’t work. She’d not show up for work. She’d not get help. She’d constantly put us at risk. Driving the car into the wall drunk in anger. Bonzai. I felt like I was Pink Panther and she was Cato. I never knew what sort of chaos or problem I’d be dealing with or who she’d be with. It was a nightmare and I was asking for help and was told by Physician Help, Women don’t have problems with alcohol. Women only drink if their husband was a problem.’
I was told by another psychiatrist. Women don’t go to AA. Another psychiatrist said ‘12 step programs don’t help with AA. ‘. The UBC psychiatrist said it’s not healthy to not drink at all. “ I was told by the psychiatrist, “You’ve got to stop going to AA. Your problem is your Christianity. Your wife says she’s never liked your talking about God. That’s what upset her. “. She doing fucking cocaine and stoned every day on pot and drinking ever night and she can’t get out of bed and she tried to kill me. That’s not what she says. Women don’t have a problem with alcohol and drugs unless their partner forces them to do alcohol and drugs. I was talking to the top doctors in government and these fucking chauvinist pigs were spouting 1950 rhetoric with little slave women at home raising their kids and I was the only one who actually had married a doctor and knew how independent and smart they were and no one would help me get my wife off drugs and alcohol and stop her incessant lying and violence, I literally gave up. I was in an asylum and the crazy people were the zoo keepers.
I quit drinking and quit smoking cigarettes and smoking dope and knew that I needed ‘all my witts about me’ and that if I quit and was clean and sober I could be certain that I had done my bit.
Now it became apparent within a year of being clean and sober how many of the leaders in government and administration in psychiatry at the time were drunks and stoners. I wasn’t. I had removed a variable that had me hanging out with people who were impaired in reality and it took me several years to distance myself from the narcissism and sociopathy of leadership. They’ve since died. New leaders have joined. Fucking students is verboten. The university still has it’s dark recesses of perversion and hedonistic drug abuse and sex abuse but it’s not supported. Even the judges who had sex with native children are being ousted. There’s a wonderful pragmatism in the university again. People are interested in healing and research and solving the questions of disease and health. Meanwhile the College of Physiians, the Police doctors working for the government and the government focus on censorship and political flavour of the months and do everything that is mob violence in an attempt to appease whatever political minority is ascendant. Nothing scientific or reasonable ever comes out of these bodies anymore. Just Marxist pap and mediocrity and a priori reasoning. It’s pathetic. The media and university and the lessons of the Covid crisis and Agenda 21 and all the private jets, hypocrisy and arrogance and dictatorship continue to destroy any true respect once existed.
I love that movie where the kid holds up the black tow truck driver, pulling a gun on him, “Do you respect me now?’ Says the kid. “I respect the gun”. “But you respect me.” “I said I respect the gun. If you really wanted to know if I respected you, you’d put down the gun’
The College of Physicians and Surgeons, the strong arm of the politics of the day, the church facing Galileo, the voice of the mob just said, “doctors will be disciplined who disagree with us.” All science and appearance of science has been chucked. You must obey. We are the borg. It doen’st matter what the scientists say. We chose which ones we believe and the ‘matter is closed’. The science is closed. Unbelievable that people can continue to call themselves doctors and say such ‘twat’. Maybe it’s always been politics. It’s as silly as the partisan ‘fact checkers’. In multiculturalism there is no truth just ‘my truth and your truth’. The Marxist disease of paranoid proportion has taken over the west. In communist countries they know it’s just a gang dictatorship. They ‘respect the gun’. People do what they do because they are afraid. The profession is gone. Unions are left to fight an evermore evil deity that brings to mind the writings of Bonhoeffer. The God of egotism, the God of the state, calls itself an ideology but kills more than any religion. Some billion killed by Marist and communists and Maoists in the last century. Christians, Buddhists, Jains, Hindus, Taolists, Sufi, Sikhs all persecuted by the ‘unknown god’. Narcissism.
I like the old language of the ‘demon drink’ when I quit drinking. I thought to go back to general medicine, asked to join a monastery , meditated with the benedictines , obtained a University of California masters degree in theology, religious studies, did years of night school at VST and St. Mark’s and Regent, wrote papers on Heaven and God and again was among those who thought this world ‘unreal’. I had spent years with monks and had a ‘calling’ to go into medicine. I miss the spirituality of the Northern Medical Unit and Community Medicine and Public Health. I was so moved by the compassion of Dr. Jack Hildes. There was a real humility there. Psychiatry had it too. I was blessed to have John White, Bebchuk and el Guebaly and more as mentors. But then I fell in with the ‘drug pushers for the multinationals’. Those who sold the most pills were elevated in the faculty. It was car sales and pharmaceuticals. I loved the pharmaceuticals but their corporate interest overshadowed the role of the university and the ethics of a profession. I loved sales too and was glad to prescribe a good product but my colleague was desperate for money and power and he left a trail of dead only to be celebrated by government. Government wasn’t the pure democracy of textbook but a disgusting little gang of competing interests. I loved the joke that said politicians should wear uniforms showing their ‘sponsors’. The Liberal government today is the worst in Canada. One ethical scandal after another and now censorship bills so that what happens in Monarchies and Dictatorships can happen here. If you give me a new house, I’ll let you have a monopoly of the telecommunication industry.
I was innocent. I was once an intellectual and idealist. I still believe in idealism. I’m still an optimist. I’m a Christian and there’s a book that says good wins in the end. I believe in a loving God. I don’t worship drugs, alcohol, power, sex, status, the State, my boss. I love God. I love the Creator. I believe that we are in the mind of God and that we are co creators in creation.
I became a realist. Live and let live. Martyrdom is out. I tried desperately to get as far away from the depth of evil that was in the centre of government and showed it’s ugly head in the College of Physicians and Surgeons, my nearest proximity to the utter corruption and taint. “Women don’t lie about sex”, she said. Now the government lets criminals out of jail and throws ministers and hockey players in jail. It’s Alice Restaurant. I’m reading Bonhoeffer and Arendt. History repeats itself. And the fat cats are all about grooming and giving each other medals and titles. It’s theatre of the absurd.
I trust in God.
AA was a spiritual program. Do you believe you are a spiritual being living in a material world or a material being living in a spiritual world. Are you a scientist or an aetheist. Einstein said God doesn’t play with dice. Pascal’s wager.
For me it’s a feeling. I am one with God. Fear is a measure of your distance from God and equally a measure of your humanity. I surrendered. I went with the flow. Live an let live. I no longer fought the authorities. They like all bullies continued to kick and threaten anyone they could. I believed in God. I let God do karma and retribution. I felt Angel Michael on my back path. All these evil people were dying and having terrible diseases and getting caught with their dicks in boys and girls and their children learned of the shame of their parents. The gays and lesbians didn’t have children, though some didn’t Without children they could be more manipulated. Nothing scares a person more than being a parent. Nobody with a child is likely to lie for the State when their infant is threatened with assasination. Get the single people and use them to do the dirty.
I didn’t have children but I constrained myself because I had a dog. Death would be a release like the Christian martyrs who were murdered by the millions by the State and by Muslim invaders and Communist aetheist. I love Monty Python’s utube “Always look on the bright side of life’ with all the choir hanging from crosses being crucified.
I’m old now. I’ve lived a full life and know that I could have found a cure for cancer or schizophrenia if I’d not being constantly distracted by the silliness and deceit of government. I know that government is in the business of pushing drug and alcohol and gambling so doesn’t really want to stop killing people. I remember when the alcohol counsellors found the government was paying them a third what they were paying the alcohol sales men.
It’s a death culture and the College of Physicians and Surgeons is part of that death culture. Steal a little and they put you in jail . Steal a lot and they make you king. The Security Council of the UN , the leaders are all in the business of pushing war and weapons. Trudeau sold billions of dollars in war material last year while stealing guns from the peasant voters who supported his reign of hypocrisy.
I’m clean and sober. The left now says anyone who doesn’t agree with them on who they kill and how they make money illegally and who is dictator or whatever lie they make up and call it science shaming the field as they once shamed religion with their ‘god wants you to vote for Joe Biden’ nonsense. If you are a liberal you’d vote for the Ayatollah. It’s absurdist. Existential Angst. Waiting for Godoy. Kafka and Camus. The Plague. The Castle.
I discourage people from killing themselves. I recommend the best medication and treatment for the diagnosis I make with the best of education and experience.I try not to offend people. Telling addicts and alcoholics and hit men that their life style is killing them gets complaints. The most popular doctors are the ‘feel good doctors’ pushing ‘happy pills’. I was mr. popularity in high school. I played the game for a year and agreed with everyone and had no opinion. I was like administration. I was president and executive in organizations.
“You never disagree with the leader in the peace time army”, the military doctor said.
“You don’t ever have to salute the man, you salute the office,” the ex military doctor taught me
Do you respect me? I respect the gun.
They threatened me. They took everything and I was told by the friends of the man who raped me , If you don’t shut up about that we will ensure you never ever know freedom again.
If you question me, if you ask a lawyer for help, I will ensure your mind never functions again . I have drugs that will destroy your mind and I will use them to protect myself and my friends, he said.
If you don’t have any skin in the game, you can say what ever it is your childish silly ego wants. But when you and your family are threatened, when your family need police protection, when your loved ones take a vacation till whatever you’re involved in blows over and when your windows are shot out and you are afraid, really afraid, then talk to me. Otherwise, stopped you silly grandiosity and sensitivity and self pity. Wake up!
Jesus loves me.
The bars on the asylum were to keep the monsters out not the patients in.
The bars in the jail are to keep the inmates in.
Political prisoners are so common. They assasinated my friend . He was riding his bicycle to burn his robes again and say this time there was no justice for the middle class in Canada.
I’m clean and sober . Mostly that means I’m rather Joyous and Free. I am happy and content and a peace in an amazingly deep way. I live each day like Brother Lawrence said but I pray almost unceasingly like St. Paul said. The minute i listen to the evil fears of fear mongerers who talk but don’t walk and aren’t at all a threat to anyone, because if they were they’d have scars and so many are so pretty and young and naive, well each day I wake up and it’s a new day.
Were you there when they crucified my lord. Yes. I was holding a spear. The enemy is within. It’s not these paranoid politicians or the corrupt College of Physiciasn and Surgeons or the bought government. The reason we had 6 months longer of lockdowns and torture and abuse and death by lockdown was because the government stole the health care dollars and had a party. We’ve had 6 months of utter corruption and waste due to the worst administration since King George. The lies persist but finally the WHO and the Wuhan Flu are being addressed and the prestigious journals like Lancet should get knew editors and we will breathe easier when Dr. Tam and Dr. Fanci face charges of disinformation and misinformation. Nocebo.
But I am frightened too. I’m human and afraid. Jesus commanded do not be afraid.
I wear women’s clothes and think of an identity change. I have watched too many seniors, especially old white men, being tortured and killed and encouraged to euthanize this last year. Health care I thought would be available in old age is gone. Doctors aren’t even allowed to treat their patients. Hydoxychloroquine, Invermectin, Morpine, Benzodiazepine. Everything is state controlled. Doctors must take gag orders in the hospitals and now we are censored. So I’m afraid of being tortured in my last year of life like so many seniors were during Covid. My patients one after another were crying saying they couldn’t see grand children, loved ones. I remember they wouldn’t allow my dog to come in the hospital to see me when I was sick. It gets worse.
My gay patient told me about his friend who was gay having a nurse whose religion teaches her to kill gays. My quadriplegic friend was bullied and lied about and abused and perverts and thought police and tyrants and ugly of uglies, despicable lawyers and judges andd parasites crawled all over him when he was dying.
I am afraid of growing old.
I want a new face, Leonard Cohen.
I imagine being a dumb blond and getting taken care of . I wrote the poem I want to be a princess for a day. I don’t want to be a mother. I don’t want to have to shave my legs.I just want to scream at all the leaders of the world. “I’m so offended’ and then have everyone who says I’m an idiot be called a chauvinist pig and a bad man.
I’m so tired of the delusional Politics of Marxism. Two associated phenomena are linked with the word. “Oppressed”. It’s the ‘paranoid ideation”. Rich oppress Poor”. Men Oprress Women. ‘. Republicans Opprss Demoncrats’. Doctors oppressed patients. the Old Oprese the yaounde
So I’m old white and male. I can’t do anything about being old or white but I can self castrate like Origen. All my life I’ve been blamed. All my life I’ve been accountable. I am the last Boy Scout and frankly I’d rather be a Girl Scout. I’m glad to help the parents since I’m not one but I don’t want to be a single man in a mob of Liberals and Marxists.
If my boat were here I’d head back to see to be alone. I’ve liked being alone during Covid. I’ve liked my neighbours and friends and colleagues. I just wish this world were heaven on earth. I have to deal with my own failings. There’s so much I could be doing. I’ve two books that just need arranging and editing, the drafts done and they’re uplifting, without the bitching and whining.
I’m tired of whining and bitching.
I whine and bitch too much.
I’m so looking for ward to a vacation. I recharge in the woods alone in the woods with my dog in the forest or at sea. Laura is easy on the mind. She’s not a loud person. My ex was so loud. So emotionally loud. So many of my patients emotionally are screaming neediness and entitlement and me first and I’m really afraid and I don’t blame them but I want a break from the nails on chalkboard feeling . They don’t realize that their drugs and alcohol are like perfume on body odour. Their cover ups are not working and they need a bath.
i like being baptized. I ‘liked immersion in the Jordan River in Israel. I like being reborn.
I imagine that all cocks are outlawed and only the big fucker can have a cock as we move to sharia communism and no one wondered that the sales of viagra sky rocketed and the leadership castrated the men collectively. Abortion industry and euthanasia industry. Only my friend will be allowed to have a baby. Only my friend will be allowed to fuck
The technology is mind boggling 1984
Of course we can make human robots too and space ships. I want a flitter and I’d like to visit aliens. I’m not finding intelligent life down here.
I like the absurd. The artist world is always the clown. The dictators have no humour. Trudeau may laugh in a drug induced state but alone someone must know his eyes are as cold as his fathers and he can’t comprehend a joke. Humour is the highest form of coping mechanism along with altruism. The study of humour and degrees of humour and the culture of the Rwandan humour versus Tibetan humour.
Respect the gun, or else.
Madigan
Madigan is enthusiastic and fun. He’s just a baby, Laura says. He began to hump the leather shop owners leg when I was buying a mesh jacket with armour. Yesterday we rode the Harley downtown. He screeched at stops but loved the ride. I can see him in the mirror . He just wants to go. His new harness works well and he’s learning to be contained . He cries when I leave him alone. He’s the boss. Omnipotent puppy. I like that he walks me. I like that he wakes me. He’s a good room mate. I don’t realize parents fully appreciate how much children give to their lives.
It’s already so hot. Yesterday it was 90 degrees in the garage where my office is despite windows and door being open. The air conditioning on low keeps this living room below 80 with the door open. If I close the door the air conditioning will bring this room down to 70. Yesterday I lay outside on a deck chair reading in the sun.
Now I need to take a trip to the post office. I also need to get a box from Staples to put the papers that were in the drawers of the old desk. I have to run the cables to the computers and such on the desk too. I’ve been reading the stories of Todd Ingram a fictional character in WWII, a naval man who escaped from Corigidor and now is an Exec offiecer in the Solomons defending Guadalcanal. I realize when I read history that I’ve got it pretty good. Our leadership may be inept but it sure beats the Japanese and Nazi leadership. I loved that the Saudi Prince chopped up a journalist, put him in green garbage bags and hauled him out to the trash, while his wife waited outside. A year a later the Saudis simply apologised their coverups didn’t work. I suspect Trudeau and Hillary and Obama and Biden and maybe even Trump had a disappearance or two. The issue is degree. In the Middle East people disappear every day. The genomics in China persists right now. Cristians are always being hacked to death by machete in Africa.
Canada isn’t perfect but it’s good enough. I went to Meteora and Cappadocia to learn. I don’t know where to go to flee except self castration. Mothers are tortured by hurting their babies. I already saw my dog hurt when I couldn’t protect him. I accept I can’t even protect myself. We are the Borg. you will be assimilated. No freedom of assembly. Censorship laws the worst in the world, greatest debt and invompetence, propaganda galore.
I’m captured by the Turks and I’m DH Lawrence. I’m the Mollies. I’m the United Irish in the 1790’s. I’m all the persecuted. My artist friend and I discussed persecution and the collective emotion we can all feel is the ‘helplessness and hopelessness.’ Then there’ identification with the aggressor.
This day is hot. I’m blessed to have this hot summer day. Thank you God. thank you Jesus. Thank you for 24 years of grace. I’m looking forward to 25 . June is always difficulty. The nightmare and triggering occur then a new year begins and I let go of the past. My position was over run. Surrender. I like wearing dresses. Klinger and unconventional MASH. I’m watching the China Sea. We can still say China Sea even if we’re not supposed to say China Flu.
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