Clown cyclists of Burnaby: The CYCOPaths.

I was walking the Brunette River trail with Laura and Madigan.  Laura is a beautiful grandmother and Madigan is a adorable priceless 9 week old cockapoo. We were only walking for an hour, two at most, seeing maybe  40 or more walkers and half as many cyclists. Not one of the walkers or hikers showed any evidence of abject stupidity. Not a single one even had a Monty Python funny walk. There were lots of dogs too and they appeared well behaved like their masters.

By contrast the cyclists were utterly incompetent. Despite many of them wearing the cutting edge in cycling fashion and having the most expensive of bikes, we’re talking thousands of dollars of gear, not one knew how to cycle.  Not one.  True there were no crashes despite how obvious it was so many were mental wankers.  That was solely due to the quick wits and intelligence of the walkers. Not one of the cyclists had two neutrons they could rub together.  Except perhaps one who was the exception. 

I bicycled across Europe. I’ ve cycled cities and trails.  I’m  a Harley Davidson and Vespa driver along with a couple of other road machines.  I know all about cycling.  Not one of the people on that path did. 

First there were no bells heard.  When cycling on paths with people it is evidence of training, intelligence and competence that a cyclist announces their presence coming up behind someone by ringing their bell.  Without the bell alkers can’t hear these stealth war chariots untill it’s too late.  Any bicycle without a bell should be fined. That’s if we had police doing their jobs for the safety of the community and not focusing their attention on the latest silly fashion of the addled  politicians.

Secondly a path is divided into two halves so that a cyclist passing moves over to the other side of the path when there is no one coming. A passing cyclist slows down when there is.  Repeatedly cyclists pushed walkers off the road refusing to understand the simplest principle of cycling.  They really ought to be required to do remedial walking, given the level of stupidity I saw consistently for roughly two hours.

I only saw one clearly professional older man cycling as an adult observing all the elements of cycling I could hope for,clearly conscious,  adept and the ultimate exception to the rule. His presence was like Einstein in a mentally retarded classroom..

By contrast a young man and woman who had obviously just bought the most expensive colourful cycling clown outfits and the most expensive bicycles cycled side by side between two older women standing on either side of the path. The path could barely hold  4 people abreast. One lady jumped back and shouted at the passing cycopath female. The chimpanzee girl,who’d just learned to manage two wheels upright, unlikely capable of using the brakes, terrified us all by taking one hand off the handlebars and using it to make a clever response to the older lady of showing her one finger.  I confess I interpreted the one finger réponse as normally perceived though it’s equally possible she was telling us all she only had one neutron. 

Obviously this 30 year old woman had not been diaper trained so should not have been allowed on the bike as any adult would know that forming single file is the appropriate way to cycle between adults talking across a path.  

Forming single fire simply wasn’t a skill  any of the cyclists had accomplished.  This was as far beyond their mental agility as using signal lights is for the car drivers of Vancouver.  Only a father and his two children under 10 years old showed that they could form a single file.  Three pot bellied grossly ugly Neanderthals men drove along three abreast forcing everyone to move to the side to avoid getting mowed over by the baldies.

I clocked a couple of young people doing 50 km/hour, utterly out of control with kids and dogs and old people all taking their lives in their hands going for a weekend walk. This was the normal experience with Stanley Park where cyclists routinely maim walkers and collectively refuse to have any training. The police don’t seem to fine them. Everyone downtown has stolen bicycles. It’s Vancouver. But this is Burnaby. For decades the intelligent have been leaving the city and moving away from the blue and white collar crime of the central Vancouver.  

Burnaby.  This is where genius is normally found. New Westminister is where  city began.  Now we have clowns and cretans in our midst riding bicycles. Why have they been let out of the circus. 

We might as well open the walking paths to quads and Harley’s since their drivers have more training and intelligence. 

If I’d been on my Harley Davidson 1600 cc Elecrtroglide, dressed in leathers and body armor,  without my puppy,  I’d gladly have caught up to that uncouth bitch in her pretty costume and taken her picture. Then everyone would know what syphilis of the brain looks like. But I was walking Madigan, my 9 week old puppy, with Laura the refined older lad.   I know Laura would help me bury the body but she’d had a hard work week at the clinic and wanted a wee bit of relaxation rather than grizzly entertainment. If we wanted to take our lives in our own hands and play Russian Roulette with uncouth demonic cyclists we could have gone for a walk on the downtown Vancouver sea wall. 

I hate to say it but it’s time that cyclists in BC are required to take a driving course . As a libertarian I don’t like more laws and police involvement but all these cyclists were rich in material wealth, albeit heartless and soulless with gross deficits of frontal lobe function. .  They could well afford to pay for some basic training in riding a bicycle.  I suspect Canadian cyclists collectively are unwelcome in Europe where I never saw the likes of this incompetence and stupidity.    It’s so unfortunate because I know some very fine cyclists. That one gentleman demonstrated that cyclists really can learn. I can’t help but feel the shame of cyclists who really can ride as the very idea of a cyclist is increasingly associated with ignorance and arrogance.