New Day, Waiting for Puppy

I am not doing well without a dog. Gilbert was such a good dog. He got me out in the morning. I loved our walks. I was always having to go outside so he could pee. He and I were buddies.  Parallel lives in the same place. Me reading books. Him chewing sticks.  Together we’d eat a chicken or he’d beg bits of my steak. We’d travel in the truck together, him watching everything and just enjoying the ride. I would enjoy so much more because the simple pleasures made him happy and I saw how jaded I’d become. Life without him is just not as full and animated.  

I’ve a new puppy coming.  Gilbert and I talked and he said ti was okay for me to get another dog because he was sorry to have left me.  I was afraid alone. Gilbert was my alarm system. He also sensed people and I knew if he liked someone I would probably like them too. When he didn’t like someone it was important to pay attention.  I thought I have the time now with Covid and working at home to train a puppy. The first months are demanding.  

Now this week it’s all I’m thinking of.  May as well be the Messiah coming or any baby.  I’m in anticipation mode and a little afraid.  I worry so much about the little ones, fearing I’ll miss them eating something not good for them, running off leash in front of a car, not paying enough attention so they become neurotic.  I have raised several dogs but more often they raise me. I’m not very pleased with myself as a human. I’ve skills and done great things but in the day to day life of basic living I’ve fallen short.  I look around at my friends who’ve children and large friendship networks, social folk who maintain all these connections. Well, I’m just happy with a dog. I’ve got work that has me intensely involved with people and I live in a police state where any word I speak can cause me horrible pain.  I’ve been traumatized repeatedly and brutalized by authorities acting on behalf of psychopaths and criminals. Gilbert got me out of myself, forced me to constantly reflect on gratitude. I was so blessed with my little cockapoo. Now  another is coming. He’ll remind me life is worth living despite the constant abuse from the banal ‘lick and kick’ folk above. He’ll love me poor or rich.  He’ll be a companion when all else forsake me. I’ve divorced women who were full of empty promises and perfectionism.  Now with a dog, I’m okay. I’ve thought of having a sex change because men are so demonized in our society.  I’d just like to be a Klinger in Mash. I’m old and weary of the war. I’ve protected countless people from the abuse. I’ve placed myself repeatedly in the middle, a peacemaker and healer. Now I’m just exhausted. Gilbert used to curl up beside me shoving his little bum up against me. Just wanting the contact and I’d stop crying. Miraculously I’d see he needed me and that was okay.  Condemned by self serving authorities and elite arrogant low brows I’d find Gilbert there reminding me that a walk or just sitting by the river was better than being in my office. He’d get me out of myself. I’d realize I was self pitying again and catastrophising and life is good just throwing ball. I’d throw ball and it would get better. 

Now I’ve a new guy to get to know to find out what his likes and dislikes are and to learn his games and his curious ways as he’s checking me out.

I’m waiting for a puppy.  It’s a big deal.  A new family member.  A room mate. A play friend.  A responsibility.  Someone to care for.