Tuesday Morning, I'm awake

Tuesday Morning. I’m awake.  Thank you God.  Another day. I so appreciate the little munchkin room mate Madigan. He was irritated at me in the night when my feet crowded him. He sleeps at the end of my bed. My little puppy guardian. Well, we’ve not made it back to the bed. I’m sleeping on the couch because I’m afraid he might fall off of  the bed or pee and poop in the clothes I’ve piled at the side. I do laundry and bring it back in a bag a can’t say I’m very good at stowing. Now i’m stepping over pee pads and searching out poop that’s mostly on the pee pads but might still appears as an underfoot surprise.  He’s a very smart dog and learning house training okay.  Unfortunately with the rain and cold I can’t get him outside. He needs to be lifted down the stairs.  

I don’t know what’s going on internationally.  Everything I hear about Canada, the liberal government and Trudeau is appalling and frightening.  I feel my once fine country is being turned into a third world slum with communism and dictatorship looming.  The Covid continues to spread with the fear and hysteria. The lockdowns don’t make any sense from a scientific health perspective.  My patients are plagued with mental illness. The anxiety and depression and despair are palpable.  I daily reassure, prescribe meds and diagnose illness.  

It’s like all these administrations are one trick ponies. We had the ‘climate change hysteria’ with everything focus on the ‘the world’s dying give me money’ while every other aspect of life was belittled. “Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.”  says harry only to have Jill shreik, “Don’t you care. We’re all going to die.”  Now suddenly we’re oll goingto die for Covid.  But what about my job , what about church, school, music, the theatre company.  

I Know. 

The isolation is beginning to wear on me. I’m like I was solo sailing.  I spend alot of time alone. Writer’s do. Wilderness survivalists do. I have alot of experience. I don’t mind being a hermit. I like it here. I’ve this new funny roommate. Right now he’s chewing a bone which is so much better than when he’s chewing cable. Yesterday he found fishing reel and unreeled fish line all over the living room. I felt like a Navy Seal had booby trapped my place.  I had to cut my way through.  

I continue to pray and ask God for guidance.  

The future is so uncertain.

I wonder if this is any more true of any other time or just a product of the awareness brought on by Covid.  I am aging. I will die. We hear of people dying all the time.

No one I personally have known has died in months.  Patients have attempted suicide but every other patient I know has lost someone and grief is heavy in the air. What I fear is the torture and isolation of the nursing homes.  Deaths are great there. I remember Dad saying how horrible it was to be confined to bed blind with a hospital acquired infection. Solitary confinement, he called it.

I used to take comfort from the thought that I’d write the great Canadian novel. I thought to sail across the Atlantic retracing the path of my forefathers back to Scotland. I’ve looked forward to going to Aberdeen where my grandfather hailed from. Then I actually fell to the childish becoming of a ‘lord’ as a result of buying a foot square of Aberdeenshire land in Scotland for $50.  What a ruse!  Now I’m Lord Hay.  Some family probably owned that land one day as that’s the clan origins. If it’ had not been Aberdeenshire I’d not have fallen for the inspired money making venture. Now I’d like to visit ‘my land’.  

I have sexual thoughts.  Bisexual.  Romantic. Orgies.  I dream of Egypt and barges and fans and being fed grapes. I have strong young men and women serving me. I channel some ancient Gods or aliens or emperors.  Mostly I think of massages. What does one do after an orgasm.  There’s whatever leads up to it. I have friends. Even now I have to socially distance. I can’t have assistance with the function of orgasm anymore than I can hope to have someone scratch my back. I’m alone with my own bodily functions.  I imagine royal assistants and laugh.  How once there were chambermaids to the king. But then there was constant paranoia. Even now we don’t know what Gates plans to put in the vaccines he may well force on the world with the complicity of the weakling corrupt Trudeau.  I like Elon Musk. I’m delighting in his space age activties. Perhpas I’d like a plae on Mars.  This world has become too adolescent and bizarre.

But what really do I have to complain about. I m thanikful for the food, the fresh running water, indoor plumbing, heat, the intermittent good weather.  Christmas Advent is here.  The Coming of the King. There’s the renewal.  Spring isn’t that far off. Each day I plod. My back hurt. My joints complain but I’m moving forward, slouching towards bethlehem perhaps. 

I’ve so much to be thankful for but though I have a full belly I take no pleasure in the many who have not.  I want us all to be blessed. I don’t have the I win you lose trait . It’s always been for as long as I can remember, we’re all have to go through to the last one before we can all go through. There’s no hierarchy in the wisdom of the spirutual worldl. There’s no first. We all arrive together. so we might as well help the one falling behind.  I will die I supposed but I can’t get ahead.

I hear of all the deaths from overdoses and think of the luxury and poverty.  I could be captaining my sailboat across the cold Atlantic but I’d rather have a sex change and find pleasure inside out of the elements.  I see the street person getting some cheap short lived pleasure from drugs and can’t judge them.  It’s the same as abortion and euthanasia now. The ultra rich elite allow slum accomodation. The main problem is the courts. The judges allow the bullies thugs and gangs to terrorize the people. Sellig them drugs and taking the best for themselves with all the corruption of the legal system.  I idealize these matters only to know that everyone really isn’t corrupt but indeed is doing the best the can.

Everyone is doing the best they can.  

Everyone is doing the best they can.

Some are sicker than others.

I could do more but I’m lazy too., I fantasize about beaches in the tropics.  I long to sail in warm weather. I consider selling my offshore sailing vessle for a lighter rigged coastal cruise I can better handle. I’m happy smaller more constrained. My dreams are smaller. I’m thinking lakes rather than oceans. 

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

I am thankful for the puppy. I’m thankful for work and purpose. I muddle on.  It’s enough I suppose. I’d like to see the confusion lift. I’m afraid of the UN and the Great Reset and communism and persecution and dictators and poverty.  I fear aging in cockroach infested nursing homes.  I fear torture.  

But God is good and I feel distant from God.  I feel dsitant from my fellow man and woman.  

I was visitted by Laura on the weekend and it was comforting.  

I don’t know what I want at time even.  

I pray.  Thank you God for this creation. Thank you for the opportunities. 

I’m looking forward to another coffee and a shower and a walk with the puppy and my camera. I like taking pictures of birds.