Wednesday

I woke up to the musical alarm.  The song, “I believe in God”.  The Creed plays over and over. I hit the snooze bar twice.  I was going tor three but thought it unfair to the puppy. I don’t know when he awakes but he’s so excited when I get up.  Jumping and twirling.  I stepped off the bed and walked into the bathroom.  Looking over his shoulder at me, he peed on the bathroom rug. I was still too asleep to do anything.  He seemed very impressed with himself.  Last night he pooped in the shower.  He’s a big dog and I think he thinks big dogs do it there.  “See dad, I’m a big dog too”.  I couldn’t process all this, just picked up the rug and put it in the hamper. I used the anti odour spray and wiped up the dribble around the rug. Despite the size of the target, he’s a boy.

When I was on the floor doing meditation and yoga he was all over me. I kept thinking this is ‘god’.  I petted him till he settled then got up and made coffee. Coffee and a Christmas tart.  The food. I read the Internet news.  No change.  Election and Covid.  Friends with great risqué jokes.  A shopping catalogue experience on FB with things they know I liked.  A travelling vest that carries all the tech one could want.  I then remembered I wasn’t travelling anywhere any time soon.  Back to the shower. Walk the dog. Into the garage office.  

Another 8 hours of reassuring people who are too often alone and in despair. The Covid pandemic begat the Mental Health epidemic.  The worst is dealing with the bean counters and money men, insurance agents, safe in offices, hustling front line workers that simply burn out. They’ve done months on the front line and now I have to explain to someone witholding promises that the person can’t work. To bosses, and Monday morning quarter backs, and insurance folk, everyone is a malingerer, If it wasn’t for my desire to not get a strangers blood on me I’d have throttled this one callous sociopath in suit for demanding a letter that week or he wouldn’t honour the care workers claim from a week before.  “It’s Covid!!~! I wanted to scream moistly in his face. I’ve waited months for a new washing machine. It took me weeks to get my computer fixed.  Here’s this bully terrorizing my patient with their petty power in the middle of the plague with half the government and union workers gleefully doing holiday times even though they never were frontline. And he  gets sticky with a good girl who collapsed at work and now is paranoid in bed.  I remember when I worked VGH ER walking through molasses going to the executioners block headed into work where for months I’d been spit on and bled on by Aids demented patients, drunk and stoned angry people just handed a death sentence by their doctor.  This patient younger friend had died from Covid and heart disease.  She couldn’t work.  But this strutting paper pusher working under layers of strutting paper pushers was kicking us down at the bottom, Last night at 9 pm I filled out the forms and sent them to the clinic front line staff who look more grey each time I see them.  The lockdowns wearing people down.  Stop banging pots for frontline workers. Do something meaningful like processing their claims and getting back to your cushy safe office jobs rather than smoking dope and watching Netflix.

Just another day.  Another old man who is the highest risk patient in my practice, a war vet, nightmares, flashbacks, physical wounds, heart and lung disease, lives a lone.  His horrible little room is cold in winter. He has trouble breathing. Can’t lie down or would die at night. His friend, another war vet, used to drive each week to take him to the market. He died last week, multiple illness, but Covid got him.  The patient asked the government for help. He was told he had to fill out a form on line. He only has a cell phone.  I tried navigating the site from my computer. Completely unmanageable.  One of those ‘see we care’ government actions that guarantee no one uses it but the virtue signalling works. Thankfully there are advocacy services. I get the phone number. An. Advocate I know will help.  But no one would talk to this old man.  The site actually said that they had closed their physical offices due to Covid.  Just great government. Like Trudeau taken months of summer holidays and claiming he cared.  I resist the frustration.  The people who are working are amazing. I have several government patient working from home or going to stand and meet the growing lines of desperate people.  The problem is at the top but locally leadership remains mostly okay.  The man has no money for food delivery. I called a market and they’ d make a delivery this time till we got the advocate involved.  He couldn’t plan for his only friend to die.  Trudeau’s henchmen would be on their way to offer him MAiD and Euthanasia if I mentioned his name.  My germophobic OCD patients are really taking a hit. The saddest are the family of dying parents in maximum security nursing homes.  No visitors.  I hear all the things the daughter wished she could have told her mom. She tells me how her last memory was putting her hand to the glass window, standing outside in the rain and cold looking at her moms crying eyes.  I’m tired of this too. I can’t support lockdowns but tell those at risk to be safe.  Covid vaccines appear to be good but no panacea.  Nature will go it’s course. The vaccines will be ameliorative. But life is temporary.  In the meantime we try to be kind, at least some of us.  

The media is controlled by 6 propaganda corporations. I miss the bootleg music stations that had ships at sea.  The truth is in the blogs and pub med studies that aren’t reported widely.

I’m going to shower. The walk with the little guy is a high spot for him.  I get joy watching his joy.  

I’m praying more.  The Bible gives solace.  I reading the history of government persecutions of Christians.  Islamists killed more this week in Africa.  Trudeau hates Christians and Catholics.  Communism is the religion of Aetheism and Trudeau invited the Communist Chinese Military to train in Canada and steal military secrets. In a sane world he’d be in jail but the Nazi’s seem to be ascendant, Totalitarianism and Sharia Communism.  I read how millions of Indians hid their money in their mattress.  I wish I was better at barter.

Then i take hope and realize this too will pass. I will read to the end of the chapter on persecution of Christians and come to the time when tolerance of religions came to be and freedom of speech, freedom of expression and freedom of congregation were not something people would give up to girl abusing clown who looks more impaired every picture I see of him.  What does he do in that basement of his?  A previous liberal PM was out every night with prostitutes Could some one assure me there are slave girl in the dope den in the basement on Sussex.  AFter reading he invited Communist Chinese Generals to Canada I can believe anything.  Like his father he hates American and British.  I really have trouble maintaining faith and trusting leadership.  Why is Trudeau still there?  But locally the government still functions.  Hogans and Dix are pretty solid characters by all reports. I can only hope. Everything is above my pay grade as billionaires become trillionairs and middle class is taxed down to peasant class.

I’d better put on the SAD Lite. The rain and overcast wear along with the isolation. I miss church. I miss the theatre and symphony and ballet. I miss travel. We’d planned to go to island for Christmas, not Italy, not Ireland, just to Victoria.  I used to drive down to Bellingham for a day in winter. A break from the city. A change. Now even that is verboten. I’m looking forward to a break.  The depression, anxiety and despair is getting to me. “The meds aren’t working, doctor’. The patient says of their pain or anxiety medication.  I worry about addiction. I hear drunk and stoned patients who relapsed and there’s little to offer. ‘I called the number you gave me and they say they have no one talking to anyone. I can’t afford anything,  What are you going to do?  Meanwhile Trudeau Supremo gives more money to terrorists and overseas cronies.  I have to deal with my resentment but I remember a mentor telling me that it wasn’t a resentment if the bullets were whizzing past your ear. In times like this it’s just best to duck. I’m blessed myself.  I can listen. Reassure. Keep the communication open.  Thank god the police have been helping my patients who have locked themselves in their rooms to kill themselves and my phone calls have brought relief. I love my colleagues working emergencies.

Another day. Covid and lockdowns.  

At least the puppy is eating and pooping.  Thank God for that. 

Flicker out window