Turn down day

During the week working I’m wishing i had time to do things. All I have is time and I look forward to the weekend with the thought of freedom.  I like work. It’s not the work. It’s not like I’m wanting to escape from work. It’s just that I sometimes fantasize about all the things I ‘could’ be doing.  This happens when I’m waiting for a call or at noon or in the evening.  

I’m stressed by work more as I seem to pick up the anxiety and despair in a way I didn’t younger, 

Now I’m at the cusp.  People ask ‘are you still working?’  “Are you going to retire?”  More and more I hear of friends dying too.  So I ask is this what I want to be doing? Is this what is the best use of my limited time? There is a sense now that time is limited. An illusion but a product of age.   Is this giving me joy and satisfaction?.  Am I doing what God wants for me?  

My problems are ‘Cadillac’ problems.  I’m alive, healthy, roof over my head, food in the fridge, work to go to, no significant debts.I’ve a mortgage but part of my having this home is to serve my work. If I stopped working I could sell this home, downsize and live off government pension and maybe do odd jobs.  I’m so weary of the government and beurocracy and their evil corruption. Nuremberg.  The banality of evil.

There’s an election coming. There’s a new wave of the Covid.  There’s taxation and inflation and never before have we have such a criminal traitor in power in Ottawa.  There’s a futility of dealing with clowns.  There’s a fear of growing old and becoming more dependent on the likes of our PM who let so many seniors die by incompetence and negligence. I would save more money for old age but there’s never enough to deal with government rapaciousness. They’re the mob.  Death tax. Tax on everything and skyrocketing inflation. The criminals and black marketeers are doing better than ever before like in all third world corrupt countries. I wasn’t prepared for the depth of evil that Trudeau would go to , punishing working Canadians and seniors as he has.  Then I think it’s just ‘fear’.  

The sun didn’t come out today. It was raining yesterday and today.  The fall and winter rain seasons are coming. I hate the doom and gloom of darkness and yet I so enjoyed and was blessed by the summer sun.  I don’t know if I’m prepared for the winter.  Sickness stalks the land in winter.  All the taxes on fuel mean costs of living continue to skyrocket.  It’s okay. I’m fine. There’s always the urge to catastrophize.

I actually imagined this weekend, getting into a dress and packing a travel bag and driving with my dog down to a dog friendly 4 star hotel in Seattle. Years ago I had a Kimpton Hotel weekend like that.  Skirts and blouses and manicures and shopping. Eating out in luxury restaurants. I could leave the dog for an hour or so and he was fine.  The Kimpton Hotels are LGBT and dog friendly.  I doubt my present puppy is ready for that. It was a frivolous weekend. I have had many such alone times over the years. Feeling safe in anonymity. 

In my conservative Christian circles I’m frowned on for cross dressing, sacrilege of sacrilege while all the church ladies have been doing this for decades,  But in my cross dressing LGBT circles I’m frowned on for being a conservative Christian.  Meanwhile people around me vote for Communists and ignore the millions they kill and enslave. Meanwhile the Taliban are raping and killing and 50 shades of Grey is okay because the man is a billionaire.  Political correctness is everything.  I don’t fit in I fit in. I’m in and out, I can play the game but the game is not real. I’m more interested in the Glass Bead Game. I’m playing hide and seek with God. 

In my life I’ve had the experience of a planet with an odd wobble. I’ve been celebrated in the path moving along with others only to continue my eccentric path and move out of the mainstream.  I spend decades mainstream and it’s called a ‘phase’. I’m constantly criticized for hunting and as a sailor it was okay to sail and party in the bay but becoming an off shore blue water salesman really meant I was crazed.  I like the groups I’m in but don’t like the critics.  I was a ‘poet’ when it was belittled and now my poet friends are mainstream.  

My latest craze is cross dressing. I’ve worn women’s clothes on stage. I’ve danced the female roles as a dancer. I’ve been in innumerable gender neutral roles and undertaken countless ‘pink’ tasks. I’m androgynous in that regard. I cook and sew and performed cunninlingus like a pro. I’ve given fellatio.   But I challenge the ‘social norm’.  In high school I was that guy who was a jock, an arts guy, and an intellectual and student council and I moved in all the circles. Today the same.  But I feel the contempt and hear the words of the administrators who want everyone to be as cowardly and afraid as them. The control freaks and the psychopaths in suits seem within me judging myself.  I’m enjoying this book I’m reading. Are you trans enough?” 

I’ve never been ‘enough”. I wasn’t good enough as a kid. Loud enough, tough enough, quiet enough. Man enough, gay enough, smart enough, Christian enough. And if I’ve been ‘enough’ one way I’m too much or too little some other way. I was never drunk enough and then I was never sober enough. There are always people comparing and criticing and I’ve taken in the loudness of it all. I’m critical of the government. They are bullies and liars and right now we are paying them and they are extortionists and theives, 

I tried to have the wife and kids. I did the right things. I bought the houses and devoted inordinate time to making money and repeatedly the courts or the government stole it from me and gave it to psychopaths.  I told the truth and the judge listened to the liars. I worked hard and my pay went to the support the corrupt.  I gave a life time of service and saw that caring for people in the front lines, clinical work, was mostly frowned upon. Those who spent their times in office , the bottom of the class, the politicers and smoozers got most rewarded.

It’s the poor me Trojan worm in my brain computer that’s a ‘go to ‘ refrain. The disgruntled poor me song played on the tiniest violin. I do gratitude daily to refrain from living in that bitter envious poor me place. 

 When I put on a dress it’s like I don’t have to ‘fight’ anymore. Dozens of times there have been major emergencies, crisis, fights, people being beat up, girls being raped, car crashes, gangs….and I’ve stepped out of the crowd, alone and confronted the situations, leading for the good.  It was like the first life saving situation on that beach in Toronto where 1housands watched and only a half dozen of us assisted in saving the drowning woman’s life.  Age 16 and now a half century more later it doesn’t change.

 I’ve been first out of  the trench.  I look back now and see the fat cat leaders with guns and their guns are to shoot us.  We’re sent in against the enemy without pay and without guns and told to get the guns of the fallen.  Only occasionally have there been women in those situations and I’ve loved those women.  There rarer among the women than I am among the men.  The last time I was first to an emergency the ‘masses’ were filming it with their phones and thank god for the woman who joined me in saving the life and told the others to stand back.  

I’ve lived among idiots and only realized it when so many voted Trudeau. I felt like I was in the 30’s in Germany watching my friends back the stupid little corporal who was an idiot.  Idiots love power and go on to abuse it.  I’ve fought idiots all my life.

Wearing panties and a bra and a dress and high heels I simply don’t think it’s my place to fight. I’m an old lady when I’m out cross dressed and I just want to have fun.  I love going to the spa and paying for people to serve me, to have my hair done, my nails done. As a man I suppose I could have gone for massage but men mostly are served by surgeons and doctors.  We injure our backs carrying the luggage of women and children and the elite. We get cut and shot defending the home.  I sing the song ‘I’d rather be a hammer than a nail.” 

I learned that the US Canada border was still closed and the idea of a lazy weekend , road trip and nice hotel was off. It wasn’t really a plan.  

I like the sense of being ‘bait’ too. Being a girl is ‘fishing’. I’m a pretty lure, a worm, trolling through the market.  I like to hunt as a man. I pick out the game I want and shoot it because it stops and looks back. I’m the one who decides what to shoot though the deer might want to be found. I sometimes say I provide euthanasia to the suicidal deer.  As a man I’m a sniper.  When I was young, walking around was a risk because there were all these guys looking to prove themselves not a few guys who were really mean.  I’d get the girls and they’d want to beat me up and I won a whole lot of fights. It was okay until the Marxists feminists usurped women’s liberation and egalitarians and began to celebrate the lying sociopaths like the Trudeau ‘s who claimed they were feminists when they were beating women up and paying off little girls they abused.  The whole Marxist Communist gig,the left wing shickt is to say one thing and do the next. It’s second nature for the godless to lie.  

Then the same sorts were in the money games.  I had to deal with administrators who ‘lied’ and stole documents and threatened me in person and in committee.  I survived them. I did my time and just tried to do my job. I was a clinician. Like a welder I was just going my trade. I was aconstantly paying huge amounts of money to the authorities for protection so I could do my job and collect my pay and the authorities increasingly sided with the criminals and psychopaths. Today I pay these extortionists so they don’t burn down my home. They’ve got guns.  They deserve no respect.  They are unethical and evil.  

So I pray.  

I like walking downtown and feeling the wind under my skirt  that the most I have to fear is a purse thief. I’m camouflaged. I’m unarmed thanks to the criminal leader. I don’t have a purse gun. If I defend myself I’ll go to jail I’ll lose my time playing lawyer games.  My blind dog and I were threatened, I will kill you and I will kill your dog. He said over and over.  I’ve been told this a dozen times venomously by young men who I simply stared down and faced and prepared to kill.  I am too old for a second round. I’ve paid millions in taxes to the public purse to have ‘safe’ streets to be able to go to work ‘unmolested’.  I’m scared still.  One young man sophisticated in the system went to the administration and complained that I woulfn’t help him even though there were witnesses and he was threatening to kill everyone .  The administration, cowards and con artists, low life worse than him,  beat me up to protect themselves.  The police did nothing.  

If I’m wearing a dress i imagine that I could have a man find me attractive, strange as that may seem, and at worst I’d have anal sex. It’s not that bad. I was raped and no one cared and indeed like most things it was my fault and I shoulfn’t have been there and I shouldn’t have smoked dope and I shouldn’t have trusted the powerful.

The Bible teaches us the government killed God’s son.  

God doesn’t care if I have Sex with consenting adults male or female. God doesn’t care if I masturbate.  It’s really clear what Jesus talks about. Ideally you marry and have children. But in the great kahunna, the great line is ‘God had nothing to say about women in business suits.”

Half the children of divorce their fathers are not the fathers. The courts refuse to do DNA testing on children of divorce.  The church ladies looking down on the lustful are the overweight gluttons.  Sloth is the go to Netflix sin of the day.

I ‘ve walked the dog a couple of times. I’ve got this day off. There are all kinds of things I should do:

1. Clean the house.

2 Wash the vehicles

3.  Write a novel

4. Complete the applications I began last year for various titles I’ve earned but bureaucrats have put up extortion rackets around so I have to do all these wasteful paper hoops 

5. Volunteer at the local political party again. 

6.  I prayed and meditated but both Gandhi and Martin Luther King said if it’s tough day spend more time on your knees. I pretty much pray unceasingly as it is. I’m always talking to God in my head, in my journals.  Guide, me Thy will be done.

7.  I was looking at electric folding bikes and got side tracked by an electric skateboard . I’m ambivalent and don’t need to spend the money. I love my Vespa in town.  But next week I’ll have the thought I should have looked at electric bikes on the weekend when I had the time. I won’t dwell on it.

8 I should get out. Go for a ride . Take madigan on the bike down to Commercial and have cofee. But it’s raining , spitting. Sitting out side writing nonsense is not that attractive in the rain.  People watching isn’t so good. With the dog along I need to sit outside.  

I could just read for a bit.  Soon it will be noon.  .  I feel like I’m wasting my day, Yet it’s no big deal. Cadillac problems.  I”m procrastinating doing a lot of things I think that I could be doing. I got my bow from the storage locker and I could be testing it before the actual hunting days but I usually use the first day of the hunt to site in and all that. 

Next step is to have a shower. Maybe that will inspire.

Tuesday Morning, I'm awake

Tuesday Morning. I’m awake.  Thank you God.  Another day. I so appreciate the little munchkin room mate Madigan. He was irritated at me in the night when my feet crowded him. He sleeps at the end of my bed. My little puppy guardian. Well, we’ve not made it back to the bed. I’m sleeping on the couch because I’m afraid he might fall off of  the bed or pee and poop in the clothes I’ve piled at the side. I do laundry and bring it back in a bag a can’t say I’m very good at stowing. Now i’m stepping over pee pads and searching out poop that’s mostly on the pee pads but might still appears as an underfoot surprise.  He’s a very smart dog and learning house training okay.  Unfortunately with the rain and cold I can’t get him outside. He needs to be lifted down the stairs.  

I don’t know what’s going on internationally.  Everything I hear about Canada, the liberal government and Trudeau is appalling and frightening.  I feel my once fine country is being turned into a third world slum with communism and dictatorship looming.  The Covid continues to spread with the fear and hysteria. The lockdowns don’t make any sense from a scientific health perspective.  My patients are plagued with mental illness. The anxiety and depression and despair are palpable.  I daily reassure, prescribe meds and diagnose illness.  

It’s like all these administrations are one trick ponies. We had the ‘climate change hysteria’ with everything focus on the ‘the world’s dying give me money’ while every other aspect of life was belittled. “Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.”  says harry only to have Jill shreik, “Don’t you care. We’re all going to die.”  Now suddenly we’re oll goingto die for Covid.  But what about my job , what about church, school, music, the theatre company.  

I Know. 

The isolation is beginning to wear on me. I’m like I was solo sailing.  I spend alot of time alone. Writer’s do. Wilderness survivalists do. I have alot of experience. I don’t mind being a hermit. I like it here. I’ve this new funny roommate. Right now he’s chewing a bone which is so much better than when he’s chewing cable. Yesterday he found fishing reel and unreeled fish line all over the living room. I felt like a Navy Seal had booby trapped my place.  I had to cut my way through.  

I continue to pray and ask God for guidance.  

The future is so uncertain.

I wonder if this is any more true of any other time or just a product of the awareness brought on by Covid.  I am aging. I will die. We hear of people dying all the time.

No one I personally have known has died in months.  Patients have attempted suicide but every other patient I know has lost someone and grief is heavy in the air. What I fear is the torture and isolation of the nursing homes.  Deaths are great there. I remember Dad saying how horrible it was to be confined to bed blind with a hospital acquired infection. Solitary confinement, he called it.

I used to take comfort from the thought that I’d write the great Canadian novel. I thought to sail across the Atlantic retracing the path of my forefathers back to Scotland. I’ve looked forward to going to Aberdeen where my grandfather hailed from. Then I actually fell to the childish becoming of a ‘lord’ as a result of buying a foot square of Aberdeenshire land in Scotland for $50.  What a ruse!  Now I’m Lord Hay.  Some family probably owned that land one day as that’s the clan origins. If it’ had not been Aberdeenshire I’d not have fallen for the inspired money making venture. Now I’d like to visit ‘my land’.  

I have sexual thoughts.  Bisexual.  Romantic. Orgies.  I dream of Egypt and barges and fans and being fed grapes. I have strong young men and women serving me. I channel some ancient Gods or aliens or emperors.  Mostly I think of massages. What does one do after an orgasm.  There’s whatever leads up to it. I have friends. Even now I have to socially distance. I can’t have assistance with the function of orgasm anymore than I can hope to have someone scratch my back. I’m alone with my own bodily functions.  I imagine royal assistants and laugh.  How once there were chambermaids to the king. But then there was constant paranoia. Even now we don’t know what Gates plans to put in the vaccines he may well force on the world with the complicity of the weakling corrupt Trudeau.  I like Elon Musk. I’m delighting in his space age activties. Perhpas I’d like a plae on Mars.  This world has become too adolescent and bizarre.

But what really do I have to complain about. I m thanikful for the food, the fresh running water, indoor plumbing, heat, the intermittent good weather.  Christmas Advent is here.  The Coming of the King. There’s the renewal.  Spring isn’t that far off. Each day I plod. My back hurt. My joints complain but I’m moving forward, slouching towards bethlehem perhaps. 

I’ve so much to be thankful for but though I have a full belly I take no pleasure in the many who have not.  I want us all to be blessed. I don’t have the I win you lose trait . It’s always been for as long as I can remember, we’re all have to go through to the last one before we can all go through. There’s no hierarchy in the wisdom of the spirutual worldl. There’s no first. We all arrive together. so we might as well help the one falling behind.  I will die I supposed but I can’t get ahead.

I hear of all the deaths from overdoses and think of the luxury and poverty.  I could be captaining my sailboat across the cold Atlantic but I’d rather have a sex change and find pleasure inside out of the elements.  I see the street person getting some cheap short lived pleasure from drugs and can’t judge them.  It’s the same as abortion and euthanasia now. The ultra rich elite allow slum accomodation. The main problem is the courts. The judges allow the bullies thugs and gangs to terrorize the people. Sellig them drugs and taking the best for themselves with all the corruption of the legal system.  I idealize these matters only to know that everyone really isn’t corrupt but indeed is doing the best the can.

Everyone is doing the best they can.  

Everyone is doing the best they can.

Some are sicker than others.

I could do more but I’m lazy too., I fantasize about beaches in the tropics.  I long to sail in warm weather. I consider selling my offshore sailing vessle for a lighter rigged coastal cruise I can better handle. I’m happy smaller more constrained. My dreams are smaller. I’m thinking lakes rather than oceans. 

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

I am thankful for the puppy. I’m thankful for work and purpose. I muddle on.  It’s enough I suppose. I’d like to see the confusion lift. I’m afraid of the UN and the Great Reset and communism and persecution and dictators and poverty.  I fear aging in cockroach infested nursing homes.  I fear torture.  

But God is good and I feel distant from God.  I feel dsitant from my fellow man and woman.  

I was visitted by Laura on the weekend and it was comforting.  

I don’t know what I want at time even.  

I pray.  Thank you God for this creation. Thank you for the opportunities. 

I’m looking forward to another coffee and a shower and a walk with the puppy and my camera. I like taking pictures of birds.  

May 29, 2020 Covid 19, Freedom Phase 1

Covid 19 continues to spread. Herd immunity may be less than previously thought. Normally 60 to 70% needed with the exception of small pox which required 90%.  Sweden already saying they may see herd immunity at a lesser percentage and may meet 50% by summer.  The westcoast of America and Canada is already at 20 to 30% contact with young people having 1/10 the risk and old people over 65 with existing medical illness still facing 10 times risk of illness. Death is rare from Covid 19 alone.
In the US because Covid 19 deaths are paid so well and do not require definitive dx, ‘natural deaths’ stopped in February  A very funny meme shows the NCIS team noting multiple gunshots and knife wounds but concluding death by Covid 19.
Belgium and the European Union centre continues to be the greatest failure bureaurcratically in the west.  Taiwan remains the best performer.
The WHO was bought by communist China and Trudeau in Canada is working for the Communist Chinese Military promoting abortion and injecting Canadians with abortus products. Really, Truth is stranger than fiction.

I’m moseying along.  I really was afraid when this began.  Now I’m no longer afraid of the disease. The doctors and nurses in BC have been incredible. UBC is an outstanding medical university.  I used to work at VGH and truly loved the hospital and staff.  Royal Columbia is a great place as well.  So if I get sick and I need to go to hospital I really believe I’ll get the care I need here to save me. Or it will be my time.
I’ve lived a long and beautiful adventurous life beyond my wildest dreams. When I was a country GP and old people came to the hospital to die, we called ‘peumonia, the old man’s friends’.  I had very peculiar flu in the spring that had me taking time off work, fever, horrible cough and the feeling I couldn’t breathe for the first time in my life. It appeared I may have had Covid then.It’s been in North American since Jan. I may have antibodies to Covid already like so many people. No need for a vaccine if you already have had the disease.  That's the science. But politics, economics and greed may change reality. When people had cowpox they didn't get small pox.  That's all in the history of immunology but today the 'winner', the 'wealthiest' writes history.  Wikipedia is so often propaganda.  

I’m looking forward to the antibody testing that’s begun in BC.

Dr. Bonnie Henry has done brilliant community medicine and public health work. I did a dual speciality in Psychiatry and Community Medicine, completing 2 years of Community Medicine and Public Health but chose not to continue and do two residency exams, opting for only Psychiatry.  I later had the honor to work with the CDC.  The CDC has a major outreach in the Northern Marianas Islands. It’s associated with the American Military there because Asian diseases first are seen in Guam and Saipan. So when I worked with the hospital the CDC had us do various emergency scenarios. First and only time I’ve worn a hazmat suit.  Not pleasant. I cringe when I see doctors geared up these days. I’ve always wanted to be a space man but I don’t like the suits. Something light and sexy please?  

I’ve had several patients become suicidal in lockdown. A couple have become psychotic.  Major panic attacks.  Lots of worsening depression.  One case of violence.  Several family break ups.  Major relapses to alcohol and drugs. Initially the drug consumption went down because the dealers couldn’t get at their prey but they rapidly adjusted.  The ones already into delivery expanded. When the churches and schools closed and liquor stores and pot stores stayed open the writing was on the wall. Government gets a cut of the booze and pot sales but not so much from God. This government has indeed been satan’s child.  Trudeau is definitely C.S. :Lewis’s Wormwood.
I believe I'd done a lot for keeping some patients out of hospital and truly believe my virtual work has been very beneficial. I've continued medications, started and stopped medications, and made medication adjustments. Because polypharmacology is merely 'thinking' it's been easy in virtual. Also assessments have been easy. The hardest has been therapy with people I've never seen.  I have however found psychotherapy with patients I've known has been just fine.  I expect I'll have a mixed practice in the future or if I do just do virtual will limit my practice to those areas which are most amenable. There's an edge in virtual and I'm not as sure of the understanding. It's even worse where the other person is culturally different or has ESL.  People don't realize that humour simply doesn't translated culturally and loving, caring emotions are subtler.  I don't feel my warmth comes through and fear I could come across cold as people do on television.  So easy to be 'flat'.  Yet psychiatry is all about dimension.

Islam is the religion of peace when all the world is Islam.  Communism succeeds when all the world is communist.  Todays’ UN promotes Sharia Communism and like the alliance between Communism and Fascism and the Japanese Emperor and National socialism (Nazi) of Germany, the same confusion goes on to day with politics making strange bedfellows.  

Just like Justin Trudeau bought the CBC News , so Xi Jinping bought the WHO.  

Freud did say ‘maybe the paranoids are right’ when the Nazi’s came for him.  The UN continues to call for the annihilation of Israel and the death of Jews. Trudeau continues to attack Christians and countless young Christian women continue to defend him because he has pretty hair.  I am reading a thriller where the new Caliphate takes over England with all the sleeper terrorists creating chaos so the British can’t respond to the invasion.  The genocide of Tibet is never discussed today.  Neither is Culloden, nor the Magna Carta. History forgetten is doomed to repeat itself. I feel like I’m living in 1939. It really is 1984.  Trudeau a 17th century fop declared it was the 20th century sometime in ancient history before he said the balance would balance itself and people realized that he’d never learned to count.  He was busy as a teacher fondling teen girls.

I like wearing skirts. It’s Scottish or gynocentric.  I may switch to shorts.  Pants constrict. Women are all transvestites.  Men still dress for war. I wandered into the sarong as a sailor and in the tropics lived in shorts or a short wrap. I should have been a pirate. Now that summer is here I’m outside waiting for Laura to come over for the weekend and rescue Gilbert and I from the boredom of being male.  I really do seriously think of having a sex change because I'm weary of male existence.  I've been cuckolded and castratred and rape and everyone has a monopoly on suffering. I loved the book, black like me and now am enjoying reading the journey's of transexuals.  I'm glad the 72 genders disappeared overnight but while I was all male into my 40's, I've slowly got tired of being pilloried for doing characteristically male things, like sailing, hunting, fishing, caring for others.

It’s hard waiting for economic collapse, more taxes, trust fund baby palace shots and rumors of war.  The Chinese Communist Party just shot down a Vietnamese fishing boat and mock attacked others in the Chinese sea.  Imperialist China.  

I was explaining Erickson’s developmental theory to a patient this week, pointing out that young adults go through a naturally occurring ‘identity’ crisis in the 20ths century and beyond. In the past there wasn’t the freedom we once had here.  Jesus was a carpenter like his father.  But at 20 I could be anything. I was straight A’s in university Arts and Science despite being expelled from high school.  I started out in theatre and dance and ended up in surgery, then medicine then psychiatry.  It’s been a weird journey.  Three totally beautiful wife all with one thing in common, insaniety, evidenced by marriage to me.  Today I have a girlfriend of 20 years despite having had male and female friends and giving up alcohol and pot 22 years ago when my wife’s cocaine addiction turned life into a nightmare. Trump reminds me of an old used car salesman of my grandfather's era and I believe today my grandfather's would be hated as much as he was. Mr. Harper reminded me of my father and he was hated too. I've actually been as flaky and ridiculous as Trudeau when I was drunk and stoned and all the girls loved me then. Today I see the hatred of Trump as principally anti male and anti american.  I'm obviously not a full fledged heterosexual but I've watched the government chastise those I've known who were the greatest doctors and family men. I've watched Christians be crucified. I'll never forget a friend saying, 'when rape is inevitable you might as well lie back an enjoy it'.  Obviously men can't fight anymore and women won't take care generally of more than themselves and their children, men historically the protector of family and community.  But that's gone. The new immigrants and other cultures do put their colour and themselves first. I've not done that with Irish and Scottish heritage folk or with 'white' people. I've helped everyone equally and seem to lack this intrinsically beneficial tribal gene. It was noted in my residency by my teachers that I treated everyone the 'same'.  I know that's really upset the rich and I've been punished by my governmnent for not preferentially treating the wealthy and powerful 'better'.  I've been told repeatedly by powerful colleagues that I'm 'wasting' my time with 'losers'. I've wasted my life by those examples but others seem to think I'm okay and I really believe in the eyes of God I'm passing. It's not even pass fail.  But I'm passing.
  

My grandfather , a rancher and a farmer, didn’t care if someone drank in the winter but he considiered everyone who drank in spring, summer and fall an alcoholic. An alcoholic (and by extension an addict) was anyone who did alcohol when there was work to be done. Like my Vietnam vets who didn’t like people using in fox holes. They were either too stoned to hear the enemy or too panicky they shot and gave away their position. It was okay to be stoned on off base R&R time.  

All the hit men and enforcers and prostitutes I treated said they had to do drugs to do their job.  I was thoroughly impressed that Mr. Harper and Mr. Turner weren’t impaired. I did a study of dope smokers and they all thought they functioned well enough but didn’t want their pilot or neurosurgeon smoking pot. It didn’t matter that pilots and neurosurgeons don’t like their hairdressers or Prime Ministers stoned. Kennedy was on pain medication with his only peculiar physician.  Hitler was on Speed and Heroin.  President Trump was on Hydroxychloroquine. Obama admitted to doing cocaine and wasn’t in office.  

When I meet St. Peter I’m going to watch a whole lot of reruns of world tv in heaven with people much smarter and in the know than me telling me who was paid by who. They’re going to have politicians and scientists colour coded with which corporation was paying them how much.  Canada’s elections were heavily influenced by foreign money.  

It was once good enough for a politician to be paid by the salary.  Obama though entered with 1 million dollars and left with 100 million dollars.  Today politicians see their salary as the wage the waitress gets. The real money is in the tips. It’s all institutionalized baksheesh.  

I’m paying the rent.  I’ve clean clothes en femme and au homme. I would live a whole lot cheaper if I was in the south where all I needed was shorts or a rwarp. I miss my sailboat and tropical winds. I’ve got all the electronics I need.  My dog has a heart condition but meds are keeping him going. My back always hurts but a whole lot worse since I stopped NSAIDS. I was so thankful for the adjustment I got last week. I think I experience tension in my back.  We have places where we somatize.  For some it’s headaches. Some it’s necks. Some it’s bellies. Mine is my back. I carried so many people and so many people’s shit when I was young and naive.  Now I don’t do any lifting. I’m trying not to crash any more vehicles which I really can’t blame on anyone else much but myself. If I’d walked and avoided the first bicycle I’d probably have no back pain.  But I love speed. Looking forward to riding the harley around on errands later today.

Life is good really.  It’s all about seeing the glass half full. I pray and meditate and try to exercise. The greater my faith the better life is. I’m also good if I live in the day. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I don’t know what’s happening in a week or months. The weather man is no better than my own predictions.  Al Gore sure knew that the Arctic Ice Cap would be gone and he’s a multi millionarie today. Maybe I should say that the Toronto Maple Leaf’s will win the next NHL and I’ll become a millionaire. I don’t know what the formula is.  

I’m continueing to try to do what is right, help people and work with my community.  I’ve always been a good citizen even if I did party hearty when I left the front and had vacations. i wasn’t impaired at work and certainly was more present than so many in my day.  I have been shamed and humiliated. I was punished the most for doing the right things. I have been beat up falsely accused lied to and true sociopaths in the governmnent and in my leadership have literally got away with murder.  I have also seen that the most of the people I’ve known have been pretty amazing. So why do I have this kink in my neck that holds onto the resentments. I’d rather be pollyanna and have cherry glasses. I want to know joy. I want to see the past as lessons and I know that God was always there with me.  I have to trust God more  I have to love more. I have to dance more and maybe then my back would feel better.I’ve got to relax. I”m really looking forward to camping and swimming and fishing.

I love the sun today.

Thank you Jesus.  Hallelujah!