I listened to some praise music on a Facebook feed. That was uplifting. Normally I’d be in church. I am a Christian. I like church services. I’ve attended church since I was a child with a decade of C&E Christian attendance as an adult in my early 20 ’s and 30’s.Then I’d go with my mother or aunt and on special occasions like my various marriages.
The last 20 years have been different. With my third divorce and my life apparently finished, my ex lying, my colleagues lying, and my so called friends lying, well I felt seriously like I’d gone wrong somewhere. There was no coat of many colours but I was ravaged by poor choices and misplaced trust.
I went back to church remembering that that was where I felt truth. I returned to Biblical Studies I’d begun decades before at University of Winnipeg, under Dr. Carl Ridd. I listeened to Christian psychiatrists Dr. Willie Gutowski and Dr. Phillip Ney and attended Dr. James Houston courses with Dr. John Christiensen. I had stopped drinking and smoking marijuanis which all those “liars’ had done. Without that in common , we didn’t have a lot in common. I made a whole lot of new sober friends and reunited with some old. I liked church.
I’d taught Sunday School and had a calling into Medicine. The local College of Physicians assistant registrars called being a physician ‘just a job’ and referred to us today as ‘health care workers’, a communist comrade type depiction. I’d married two doctors who were also secular and I’d enjoyed drugs and alcohol with them but found that the ‘yuppie’ life was hollow. It didn’t help me when my wife went psychotic and the authorities covered up killers and rapists if they had sufficient influence or money. I was faced with incomprehensible demoralization. My idealism was shattered. I had thought I’d lost my idealism in my 20’s and 30’s but once again in my 40’s I had an epiphany, that rabbit holes could go down even further.
I went down on my knees and have remained there ever since.
This whole political Communist Chinese Virus time seems decidedly ungodly. The UN and the WHO have that ungodly flavour I smelled it like sulfur 20 years ago when I returned to church full time. Nothing like reading the bible cover to cover a few times to ground you. Nothing like being around the stirling characters that make up the Christian Medical and Dental Society. I’m not a very good Christian.
I’m divorced. Christianity is mostly a family religion. It’s family or monastery preferably I’ve been single and had woman and male friends as sexual partners. I like wearing women’s clothes and I’d rather be on an adventure than hugging and singing kumbaya. I seem to know what to say and do to help people who are insane, sick or addicted .I’ve a usefulness that keeps me serving.
This Covid 19 has sent me to my room becoming a virtual psychiatrist and addiction medicine specialist. I do motivational interviewing and 12 step facilitation psychotherapy with psychoeducation and psychopharmacology. I miss the clinic people, so expect one day I’ll have to do a half day or so every few weeks to keep in touch.
Today I’m waiting for my Zoom meeting to connect with a group of likeminded colleagues.
Laura is over. Gilbert and Laura and I are happy together. I used to have those creche like feelings in my former marriages. We didn’t need anyone. They had sick family relationships and kept those going. I remain connected with my remarkable family. Over the years friendship networks have become less involved. I used to have every other weekly dinner parties of a half dozen to a dozen people. I”d have parties on my boat. I’d play guitar. We’d sing. We went to dances. We had all that young social experience. The last 20 years I’ve been going to meetings and church and off with one or two others to attend conferences, go hunting, fishing or boating. I no longer am at these big events like dances and festivals unless they are work related conferences or something to deal with church or recovery. I don’t miss them. I’m happiest in my camper with Gilbert and Laura by the side of a stream. I’m really happy alone on my motorcycyle whichever one, or in my boat, whichever one. If I were independently wealthy I’d not do anything differently right now though I’d like it if Laura lived next door. Our relationship has always been ‘the girl next door’. We each like our space but I’d like her closer. Gilbert would too. When the Covid lightens up I want to drive for a few months about with my camper on an north american adventure, up to Alaska, across Canada, down to Louisiana. My parents were Good Sam members and I’m liking the RV life. Like father and mother, like son. For now I’m happy here. I’ve got friends here, a couple of guys and their dog, peopleI know and like. Several acquaintances. It’s a mobile community.
I miss church sometimes. I pray everyday and meditate. I don’t read the Bible as much as I would want. I’ve so many books to read and after a half dozen research papers I am down to reading westerns. I like westerns these days. Sometimes it’s sci fi. Sometimes it’s thrillers.
Life is good. God is good. Now I must get to my Zoom meetings. Say hello. Suit up and show up.
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