March 2020 We made it!

« We made it! » she wrote.  « We can surely survive till October’.

We’d just met coughing after the second bout of flu this year, sick and tired of another winter.  The cold, the rain, the winds, the darkness.  I have had all my life to listen to the entitlement of Equatorial and other Southern people complaining about their lives all the while I’ve lived in cold and darkness half my life.. They take so much for granted and the media never talks about the poor plight of the average Canadian.

Now I’m at an age where every week or month the news reports another celebrity or icon dying.  Meanwhile friends my age and younger are dying. I feel like I’m suddenly walking through a mine field.  Those around me younger don’t get it.  They live in the perfect denial I had even five years ago. Now my quiescent hypochondriac is has risen to almost palpable reality. 

I remember the WWI vets , telling me « if the bullet doesn’t have your name on it, there’s nothing to worry about. ». 

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal illness that ends in death. It has  100% mortality.

I wonder about taking risks.  I sense little remaining time. Am I doing the most I can?  Is going to work what I should be doing?  

(Please pass over shit and pick up where traumatic dissociation ends)

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( MIND DERAILMMENT - Broken Transmission - quantum slip from reality to self pity! )

This year I’ve been devastated by the corruption in government, by a liar, traiter sociopath in power who claims that he is Canada’s PM but denies national reality or patriotism. I’m a post national person he claims giving a way my pension and using my tax money to fund terrorists and criminals.  I am complicit with this sociopath.  I want a national strike and vote on non confidence. I want to not be a part of his evil and yet increasingly he is bringing ‘his people’ in to replace me. Scab voters.  

Older and weary and feeling more vulnerable every day I want to be more with my kind. I want to be with people who do not see me as the enemy or see themselves and entitled to the little I have left. I see my police no longer protecting me. I see dangerously insane people on the streets. I see all manner of laws being broken. Increasingly I’m literally afraid to go outside.  I have had my dog and my life threatened and no one considers it an issue. I know so many older people who like me are no longer walking their dogs in dog parks and in the forest because they are rightly afraid of thugs. I’ve been accosted several times by young crazed men with pit bulls off leash.  

 (CONTINUED  WHINING) 

More fear. Worry. Absurdity.

(Here I attempt to lasso the runaway thoughts of my broken abused and traumatized mind - Travelling Wilburies Handle Me With Care music playing in the back ground)

I meditate. I pray. I go to church. But I don’’t know if this is what I should be doing. I could just pull up stakes and head south forever.  I could kill myself.  I could get a job away from people. 

Increasingly entitled angry people are threatening and the College of Physicians and Surgeons repeatedly represents psychopaths, choosing the sides of known liars over the proven true and reliable.  The courts are increasingly making bizarre decisions and allowing blockades of roads that cost so many good people jobs and billions of dollars.  

(The mind lasso slipped off the runaway stallion. The gearbox is grinding. The automatic doesn’t work and the new vehicles don’t have manual - I need a manual spiritual override on this jallopy mind!)

I wanted to do good, to be on the good side and now I feel like the 1930’s Germans must have felt when Hitler and his brown shirts were on the rise or in Russian when Lennon, Malitov,Stalin and Trotsky were on their murderous rage assasinating the Czar and then killing the democratic parliament to install his dictatorship.

I am struggling to be loving and forgiving.  I’m weary.  I have compassion fatigue they say. Easy for them. They’ve never been on the front lines. They chose to sit in the back lines and criticize. Fewer and fewer of us are at the front. Fat cat arrogant swaggering rich judgemental cowards hide in offices far removed from reality and come up with more and more self serving laws and rules that make it utterly impossible to do anything at the front where people lash out at the faces they see.  The duplicitous leadership are so far removed from reality and so superior. 

(Whine, whine, whine!)

I’m tired. (Now ain’t that the truth!)

I wonder if I’m just worn down.  I prayed that the stoned idiot would not be returned then I felt like I was in an Invasion of the Body Snatchers script when he was re elected.  The CBC News plays its look at Trump game so Canadians are taught to hate hate hate the American all the while the local PM and Quebec are stealing them blind and doing the most despicable evil. All these ridiculous eco terrorists smug and superior say nothing about all the raw sewage Quebec and Malaysia and China are dumping in the rivers and oceans. Here we are   Paying terrorists murderers 10 million dollars and letting in pedophiles and psychopaths unvetted and taking back ISIS killers. It’s all appalling to me.  Meanwhile the police are just following orders and the parliament is no longer representing anything I believe it.  No law and order.  And a huge anti citizen defending themselves or even lawful hunters or gun owners being demonized.  More and more taxes on us while everywhere theres’ billions of criminals activity protected by the inactivity of our police and courts. Money laundering in the billions.  The PM constantly unethical and he just fires the Attorney General and locallly the Premier is destroying opportunity for business and increasing taxes.  Everyone who questions it is silenced or harrassed.

(More whining. More self pity. Suck it up, buttercup)

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I am thankful my friend says that the sun has returned. Daylight saving is coming back.  The sunshine yesterday was wonderful. I walked the dog, the old blind dog, I’m increasingly afraid I can’t protect myself from bullies and thugs the government protects.  I fear for my friends who have children because it’s like a third world country now.  The good are the enemy.

But this is all the mood talking. I have this whole tool box on positive thinking. I do affirmations and mantras. I really should not even look at the news anymore. It’s so disappointing. So much fear mongering. So much lies. The media is a disease in Canada. The country is divided by the lies of mainstream media and such pablum as ‘diversity is our strength’.  Black is White.  I’d have to drop acid or smoke a whole lot of dope to even understand the psychobabble that’s being promoted by CBC news.  

(The shit and puss in the brain have been drained. Forward gear again)

Yet here it is March.  She’s right. We’ve made it another winter. I’ve got over my second flu.  The Coronoavirus scare didn’t help. I miss my denial. I miss feeling immortal. I’m tired of chronic pain and joint instability. My knee has been better this last few weeks. I almost had to buy a new car because mine was so low it was utterly painful to get out of the little beast. Now the knee’s better.  My back comes and goes like a chronic complainer.

There’s a future of more pain. Then I weigh the sunshine into the mix and realize that it’s definitely positive. When I remember to take a deep breath and love the scents of spring and the clean air I am truly blessed. I like my body some days.  When I’m not having to do masculine things with it. When it’s just moseying along. I like that I’m a live.  

I’m so excited by camping. I just love getting out of the city and enjoying the woods and streams. It’s another year.  Gilbert loves the walks in the wilderness. He loves walks period but I can see him shift from sniffing for Fifi to sniffing for coyote, bear and wolves and grouse.  I’ve a hankering for target practice this spring. I love doing that. There’s fishing too.  The winter is fairly barren but spring and summer come alive.

I’m really so thankful. I am blessed. Thank you Jesus.  Thank you God. Thank you Holy Spirit.   March is here. We have made it through another Canadian winter.  In Vancouver it’s so much better than other parts of Canadian Winter that go on for another couple of months while we’re seeing blossoms and getting rid of rain coats and parkas for spring jackets.  Now I’m going to shower and dress and walk Gilbert outdoors in the sunshine. I’m so blessed. I just need to stop the news flow from Facebook.  Politics and media are too much negativity and fear mongering. I need to focus on the positive. I need to be rebuilding my frayed self at the end of day of work and a week of work. 

So many people daily tell me how utterly bad it is. It is too. They’re even dying faster than most. But worse it’s the daily hearing of poverty. I never had so many people tell me about how they couldn’t eat or have a place to stay. These are not young people. They’re old. I can turn off the news but it comes into my office and I see that the government has stolen the pensions of people, stolen their homes and the greed of this leadership is apparent in my utterly depressed and demoralized work.  Of course the pills don’t work.  There’s no purpose. No hope. 

(Derailed again and my mind is like a minefield and boneyard. So many work triggers)

We had that little foreign beast Greta haranguing Canadians about her priviledged life and grandiose arrogance yet Canada is the A plus student in the world while all the boorish losers get a pass because the girls won’t stand up to the men with gun, the Middle East UN dictators or the Chinese Communist killers. Instead these know it all s come and tell Canadians we’re not good enough.  She’s a Sophie Trudeau. One of the priviledged like the Obamas or the Bush’s who suddenly calls us working folk bad.  Hypocricy today is so thick’s it’s an oil spill in Eden.

Now there I was derailed again. 

My friend said the mind is like broken radio and the receiver skips. Told me to put it on the God Channel and hold on tight with both hands.

My mind going along looking at the world gratefully only to be hijacked fly the UN dictated lies and narratives. 

Here I am about to dress in good clothes after a warm shower with Irish spring soap and am going out for a Sunday walk too late rising for church but ready to talk to God about why he doesn’t smite all the politicians in Ottawa and Victoria and especially those disgusting perverts in the UN.  

I’m going to plug my ears and begin singing lullabies soon.  He was found under blankets in a fetal position singing lullabies. 

Maybe I’ll find my ear phones and play music while I walk the dog. He doesn’t care if I’m listening to Bach to try and shut out the dirty smell of last weeks blockades and all the criminals who get away with destruction while I feel that the police will arrest me if I look at my cell phone while driving. I can set a train on fire and the police will watch me do it and take no action and my PM will celebrate my behaviour but if I have a coffee in my car driving to work I can be pulled over and fined.  

I’m taxed to death already and all the police do is tax me more but here’s a bunch of foreign communists blockading roads destroying commerce and all that the Police do is say « tut tut’.  There’s actually professionals out there and they’re missing work and having this love in thing which was cool when I was a kid but now stinks like a dead fish when I just want to get to work without more drama. 

I am going to say ‘om’ again. I’m going to pray, Lord Jesus Christ Have mercy on me a Sin......All shall be well , all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.  Yes life is Good . Thank you Jesus.