Sunday in March

Coronavirus - 19 is all in the news. My germophobia has kicked in .Normally I’m in denial, immortal, surrounded by disease, praying to God, “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil.” But I do fear.  I have had a couple of flu this year, coming back from India and again this spring. I know the stats for Covid 19 aren’t terribly frightening given that the actual flu and lots of other diseases are more deadly. Yet I’m in that age category and am weary with coughing and disturbed sleep. I also think by the world response to this virus that there’s something we’re not being told.  That it was a weaponized virus escape from a Wuhan military complex seems reasonable or why else the massive response.  But then the fake news makes everything so dubious.
I didn’t make it to church again. Laura’s flu followed mine by a week and she’s still struggling much like I did a week ago. Now I’ve just a little sore throat and post nasal drip with fatigue.  I work with people and have indeed minimized my contacts with crowds. We went to the mall and were surprised at the empty shelves in Costco. There’s survival in the air.  I’m a survivalist so that much ahead of the game.  It will all blow over. A few weeks and then the next ‘skies falling, let me tax you more’ will begin.  The Trudeau government is spending the cupboards bare and literally raping the economy. Warren Buffet the Democrat has pulled away from Trudeau because of the insecurity. Business doesn’t want to invest. The billions of dollars of loss due to the government mismanagement of the blockades.  What’s next?
I’m praying.  I feel tired and have a sense that my life is ending. I’m past retirement age and for the first time in my life since I worked in a restaurant I’m going to work for a pay cheque. The College of Physicians and Surgeons shouted at me when I said ‘medicine was a calling and profession’ for me. “It’s just a job, Dr. Hay.”  They’re calling me a ‘health care worker’ and I find it hard not to just work at the lowest common denominator which is represented by the government.  The joke was always if you worked for the government you were ruined for real work because everyone works to rule and does the least except in times of real emergency.  The government jobs in medicine now are 2 and 3 times the value of clinical work.  I’m at the end of my career and really enjoyed the patients and the learning and the doing the very best I could. I loved taking the Hippocratic Oath and treating every patient as a challenge and child of God. I was moved by the missionary spirit but now I am told it’s a communist country and I’m just a ‘health care worker’ and I see that the laziest ‘health care workers’ are promoted. I think of Venezuela.  I loved medicine for the ‘meritocracy’.  I loved saving lives and helping get people well. I loved being on the A team. But now it’s all mediocrity and we’re rewarded for doing the least.  The specialists are literally told to see the patients no more than every 6 months even if seeing them more would be better health care. The bullying is both overt and subtle. I go to work afraid of the College police akin to the religious police of Iran or any other police organization intent on dominance, micromanagement and control.  Jack boot mentality. All the while trying to be seen as PC caring. It’s so facetious.  They hate doctors and don’t care for patients except in the ‘idea’. They live in a space station.  Then added to that is I’ve chosen to work with the most dangerous patients and least back up. So many unpredictable people in the world of drugs and alcohol. So many people want letters not to work and they simply aren’t sick in the traditional sense and some have other jobs, under the table, and new migrants seem to know the ropes the best.  Meanwhile I have no time for medicine and am coopted by the beurocratic mismanagement system to rubber stamp the money games.  Creating delays with paper and winning the gambles.  I’ve a certain jaded perspective and see the small number as the whole. The majority of people I know are overwhelmed by the stress of government waste and pressure. No one can afford housing. It’s so desperately sad. All these people with disability and on fixed income suicidal with rent evictions. At least the NDP brought in some rent increase restrictions but too late for the old people.  I see aging now as a medieval things. Doctors and engineers are going back to work.  My colleagues don’t even think of retiring because they’re paying exorbitant education costs for children at home in university.
Added to all this steady state ‘stuff’ is the fear of ‘contagion’.  It’s the plagues.  I didn’t get caught with the ‘climate change cargo religion lie’ we’re all going to die in 12 years because of the 97% consensus lies of the Communist IPCC but this latest collective fear mongering got me. I look at BREXIT and see them rejecting the invasion of violent young Islam migrants.  My patients tell me their families are afraid to leave home in France because of migrant muslim gangs attacks the old and the young boys and girls.  They live like prisoners in their country. Here we see less and less law and order, terrorists getting paid millions and no consequence for criminals blockading roads or destroying public property.  It’s mob rule.
I’m actually feeling fear shaking hands and touching people.  Jesus said, “Do not be afraid’.  Years of sickness catching up on me. The scabies in the north, all the pneumonias, catching TB from my patients, barely surviving the AIDS crisis with the demented aids biters like zombies chomping at my face and hands, now this latest.
It was good to hold Laura this weekend.  Hugging her. So what if she’s contagious as hell.  Then there’s Gilbert who rolls in dead fish and licks everyone and cuddles everyone. All this germ free behaviour is insane.
I was reminded of the WWI vet I treated my first year in country general practice. He’d been gassed on Vimy Ridge.  “The bullet had to have your name on it,’ he said.  The soldiers I know in my practice are much tougher stuff and have seen it all.  Like us doctors.  I’ve touched tens of thousands of sick men women and children.
I’m coming to terms with aging.  I am really looking forward to camping.  We contacted a campground we were at yesterday to see if we could reserve the spot we were at last year.  I loved the tranquility.  Just Laura and me and the dog.
I’m afraid of planes now too. I’ve no desire to fly. I look at friends in distant places and want to go to Ireland and Scotland but I don’t want to fly right now.  I’m weary of planes. I love my camper. I miss sailing.I’d love to be out on the ocean in the fair winds and following seas.  I’d love to be at anchor in the evening drinking coffee in the cockpit, scratching Gilbert’s back.
I really am blessed. I’ve walked Gilbert this morning.  The sun was shining. Spring is coming. Not fast enough. The virus doesn’t like the sun. I would love to be in Arizona . We looked at the distance to drive to Reno. We could drive there with the camper next winter taking Gilbert and getting a winter drying out experience. I fear like I just survive the wet cold of Canadian winter with the flues and pneumonia and the fatigue.  That will teach me for smoking. But I never thought I’d live this long. Plane crasses, bullets whizzing by my head.  I’m not supposed to be here waiting for my breath to be taken.  Pneumonia, the friend of the old man.  I keep believing I’m supposed to get some relief after years of services. That’s the psychological expectation that steals my joy today. I have a wonderful life. I’m blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I’m getting over this flu. I was swimming yesterday,. I walked Gilbert a couple of long walks this weekend. I hugged the beautiful Laura and enjoyed looking at her beauty.  We watched Vera and I barbecued fabulous steaks. We are blessed. We’re alive.  We’ve great family and friends. I need to get more into the gratitude. I’ve been napping. I enjoy sleeping.  Day light saving finally. I love the light.
Thank you Jesus.  God before me, god beside me, god behind me, god above and below me , inside and outside.  Protect me Lord. Keep me safe, Let me know you more dearly be with you more and let me serve you more.  Thank you Lord Jesus Christ.