In medical school I wrote a poem published nationally called “Ickitis”. We all got it. Whatever we thought deep down was the ‘ickkiest’ disease we developed the symptons for it. I actually thought my mild aches and pains which when focused on became all I could think of was a rare arthritis. I convinced my smiling rheumatologist specialists to do one of the earliest HLA B27 tests. It came back negative. Of course I didn’t believe it but somehow miraculous I continued to live.
We learned not to do unnecessary tests because eventually we’d find something positive. The rule of testing was always, would it change the course of therapy. Today’s Covid 19 testing is being done rationally. It’s limited value in the individual but at the public health level it has important value. I know tests so I know that ‘false negatives’ occur. It’s just like pregnancy tests. Sometimes they’re wrong and the person isn’t pregnant.
Even if I had a negative Covid 19 test I’d probably convince myself that the test was a ‘false negative.” I wouldn’t even consider the possibilities of false positive. Paranoid , I love anything that confirms my paranoia.
Right now the germophobes are more anxious but less angry. ‘See I told you so,’ they say to previous disbelievers. Freud, when the Nazis were out to get him and he was whisked away to Britain finally said, “Maybe the paranoids are right.”
The trouble with being a doctor is that when the chink in the armour of immortality (sometimes prosaically called ‘denial’) occurs the whole coping defence system breaks down. I’m already dead. I’m going to die. My insaniety let off the tight leash ,I normally hold it on , is off and running.
I think it’s pretty good if I am getting through the day. I’m socially isolating. I don’t like people much either so it’s not particularly difficult. I like being alone with my dog but I don’t like my mind. It’s often not helpful. I have to pray a lot. I get up each day and meditate as long as I can to lower the blood pressure, reduce the over all anxiety and try and train my mind to come to command. I keep focussing on my breathing. Breathing is good. No don’t think about email and face book and work and tomorrow and yesterday. Focus on the now. I repeat the name of Jesus. Today I was androgynous and going on about Mother Mary. My superstitious mind has me trying out various names for God. I’m asking for help. It’s all bigger than me. Life and death have always been above my pay grade. I am humbled by my position as a kazoo player in the symphony of life. There’s always been someone faster or slower than me. I’ve always looked up and now I just have to lower the bar. I’m alive. I’m sitting here breathing. It’s okay. All shall be well I say over and over again. Be Still and Know that I am God I say as a round. My monkey mind is well leashed after 15 minutes. I then have coffee.
I love my Ethiopian coffee. I often think of Ethiopia and India, countries I was in last year. I worry a bit about the people there. I have so much more options here. I pray for the safety of my family and friends.
(I believe thaet God created the heavens and the earth. Everything is God stuff. I’m imagining in the imagination of God. There wasn’t God and building blocks. One good. Good. God is good. One mind. OM. E=MC2. Energy = Matter. Matter is just slow energy. Energy is a metaphor of spirit. I am a spiritual being living in a physical world. I believe therefor I am.)
I left surgery and did general practice and community medicine (Public health) then Psychiatry. I was most interested in Immunology then. That and black holes, anti matter, paradigms and paradoxes. I was different back then. A nerd and geek who danced. I’ve always known the most beautiful and brilliant impatient women. I have had the most extraordinary friends and the greatest teachers. Straight A’s in Arts and Science at University.
Psychiatry back then looked at what we today call psychosomatic medicine, how the mind caused and contributed to disease. I studied hypnosis with the Eriksonian foundation and was doing minor surgery with patients. I’d later go on to do hypnotherapy and marvel in patients ‘curing’ or ‘self curing’ themselves of major physical illnesses. I became fascinated by the power of placebo. 30% cure was the rule of thumb. Mind over matter. Rather often ignored by the mainstream but found in the odd places of research like “spontaneous rmisson ‘. The money though was in the physical. Money is material nad never to be discounted. Even Jesus said ‘Give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s due.
Piaget’s studies showed that abstract thinking occured at early teen age development. A later study showed a third to a half of adults never progressed that far. Surgery works universally but medicine and psychotherapy generally are more successful in the YAFFI. An acronym for who can best benefit from non invasive techniques. It’s poo pahed as ‘not serious’, ‘flakey’ paranormal’ but even studies of paranormal show that reductionism, the academic reality is not exclusive of inductive reasoning which is parallel. It’s both and we do best when we utilize both. I do specific forms of psychotherapy in combination with psychopharmacology to get the highest results.. individually I proved mind over matter and that combined therapy was best and eventually moved along to the most difficult of diseases , addiction, with its entrenched stigma and problems of secondary gain by government, I often feel as silly as a war doctor trying to prevent and heal disease while the war machine just wants fresh bodies. I do like Pink Floyd and often must focus on the individual rather than get lost in the big people. Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
I saw at the community medicine level or in public health that on the Indian Reserves ( for aboriginals) , those that voted to allow drugs and alcohol, every illness and disease and psychopathic psychiatric morbidity was prevalent. Not so on the ‘dry reserves’ which often had better health and social success than ‘white
‘ suburbs. Of course this went against the profitable narratives.
Alcohol and drugs reduces intellect and emotional development , encourages the monkey mind. It’s banal as opposed to spiritual. All large group studies define these thepopulation as ‘immature’. In psychotherapy ‘insight’ therapies and ‘conventional counselling’ generally perpetuate the condition or made it worse. Specifically 12 step facilitation therapy and motivation therapy work. No YAFFI drunks or addicts. Addiction is matter over mind.
I loved the old language , Demon Drink. In Milton, Satan is seen as turning his back on God and preferring to look at his shadow than be part of the light. Freud said there were two drives, Eros - life wish and Thanatos - death wish.
I’m doing all the things I’m told by my brilliant colleagues in Microbiology and Infectious Disease. If I say I want to live I must act that way. We say if you talk the talk walk , the walk. So I’m self quartined this weekend. I’m washing my hands counting 20 seconds just like I did in my surgical years. I’m taking higher dosage of Vitamin C and D and Zinc. I’m gargling a lot with Listerine and also with Apple Cider Vinegar. I’m sleeping 8 and 10 hours. I’m avoiding being run down. I’m staying positive. Depression and negativity increases the risk and worsening of disease by 30%. Psychosomatic medicine and psychiatry moved increasingly into ‘pills’. Having entered it as a ‘mind over matter’ move , I found myself increasingly pressured back into ‘matter over mind’ and there is as the book title says ‘Gold in them their pills’. But I know that in all the psychosomatic studies even with surgery outcome is improved with psychiatric involvement. Pre surgery education and anxiety reducing therapy resulted in 30% improvement in recovery rates and speeds. i believe in rituals and have seen first hand the benefits of pills and surgery. I believe in both.
When the Chinese Aetheist Communists materialist invaded Tibet and genocided the greatest spiritual leaders tried to shield the people from the wanton murderous machin gun fire bullets beat love. The Dalai Lama escaped. The Communist Chinese, no different than ISIS, continue to lie and murder, rape and enslave Tibetans. There’s an old saying of faith which says ‘trust in God but tether your camel. ‘ Don’t take a knife to a gun fight. I believe but I do good as well. I have faith and believe all is God but also believe that faith without works are nihilistic.
Be positive. Jesus repeatedly said Do Not Be Afraid.
I wash my hands.
I am thankful that there is now a medication that treats the Covid 19 illnes: , Hydroxy chloroquine. If you add Azithromycin, there are even better results. The reduction in spread of the disease as was religiously done in Singapore resulting in no deaths in that country, ensured hospital and respiratory services were not overwhelmed. The death rate increases 5x if there are no medical services. All the advances in use of respirators and keeping people at home when sick and quarantine has made it unlikely that we will be overwhelmed here. The next two weeks is critical.
My mind at times shouts out “We’re going to die!’ and I panic.” I think of John Mayers song where he sings “I want to run through the halls of the school’. That’s on a happy crazy note. I want to run naked through the downtown hugging , kissing, fucking everyone to just get this over with. It’s a fleeting thought. Like suicide thoughts. Suicide is a total dysfunction of the brain transmission. When the brain is supposed to be helping you go forward it jumps into reverse or gets stuck in reverse. I want to live. My mind short circuits when I panic. I have to breathe, focus, feel my feet on the ground, get grounded , relax. Streaking is not going to help. Prison is not a safe place right now.
I repeat over and over again. All shall be well.
I drink lots and lots of fluids and keep my mouth wet in public. I’m old and at risk but read about a cluster of millennials who have had the roughest cases short of death needing respirators longer than the old and appearing to have an as yet unexplained susceptibility. I worry most about the immuno compromised, patients with heart disease, lung disease, diabetes.
All are at risk but the good news is that given the undiagnosed cases which are carriers, they also increase the denominator so deaths by this technicality may be less frequent than presupposed but the ubiquity and stress on the health care services may be far worse. It remains that until we have a vaccine or ‘herd immunity’ we are all playing a Chinese Roulette lottery game. Thankfully 70% are mild cases like the flu.
Contact occurs day 1. Infectiousness day 2 and day 3. Day 3 and day 4 symptons appear. Fever is the most common in 85%. Next cough and then short ness of breath. We have an emergency phone number here 811 for people to call if they are symptomatic. The mild cases pass day 4 to 8 and by day 10 a person is not likely infectious with asymptomatic recovery in 2 weeks from contact. If one goes out wear a mask after that for a few more days but quarantines have been for 2 to 3 weeks because of the nature of the disease. So far it appears infection results in future immunity from the SARS -CoV-2.
All the great sports teams hire a psychotherapist for hundreds of thousands. His job is purely to psych the team ‘up’. It’s long been known that if you believe you are going to lose you are more likely to. If you believe you are going to win, even if you are the Toronto Maple Leaf hockey team, you are more likely to win. You have to open the door to hope to have a miracle come in.
I hope you do well. I’m rather excited that I’m alive today. I’m not feeling well because all my internai sensors are focusing on every little blip my active happy self would normally ignore. i Feel a bit dissociated and a little PTSD given my personal history, The world seems a bit surreal. I’m experiencing moments of derealization an depersonalization. This too will pass.
My blind dog sits at the door since he became blind and barks at noises that never bothered him. That’s the way I am, waiting for sicknesss to strike, watching for death. I’m being silly. I recognize it as ‘medical student disease’ but know that ‘this too will pass’. I’m trying to have an ‘attitude of gratitude’ Thank you God. Thank you Jesus. Thank you saints of all religions.
Now I’m going to shower. I know Shakespeare wrote King Lear in quarantine. I know I have books to write and I could clean my place. I could learn a new language. But I think a shower and more coffee is good enough for me. Instead of high standards I’m focusing on ‘good enough’. Doing the next ‘right thing’. I’m going to get through this. One day at a time.
God bless.
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