On the negative side:
1. I continue to have guilt and shame about sexual behaviour in the past and ongoing concerns and confusion. I recall this theme in my earliest teen age journals. I loved Portnoy’s Complaint, a classic in therapy novels. No I didn’t masturbate on the family Hamm. I have however broken many societal taboos though not the law per se. I have been punished considerably for my transgression by ostracization, physical abuse and major financial losses. I feel now I’m in my 60’s I should really lighten up on myself. I have been accepting and understanding and non judgemental of others. I have friends from the tightest to the lowest expression. I don’t think of them sexually when I’m with them. I don’t ogle or demean them. I believe that I put myself under a microscope in this regard and need to be less judgemental of myself.
The golden key is ‘Love God. Love thy neighbour as yourself”. On this scale, a spiritual likkert scale as it were I’m well advanced on the ‘love thy neighbour but need to be more loving of myself.
I love the expression that I shouldn’t judge people who sin differently. We live in a world of sinners, Sinners Anonymous central really. I mustn’t accept societals’ confusion in this regard anymore than I accept societal’s even greater fixation with war and violence.
2. I continue to be lacking in gratitude. I have by outward standards the greatest life. I’d want none other . Yet rather than celebrating what I have I’m always focusing on what I want and what I don’t have even though at this point in life I’ve mostly had what I don’t have today sometime in the past. I really do need to be more grateful.
3. I have clutter. I love the minimalist life and have lived Walden Pond with great joy. I see that when I’ve been more at peace with myself with less ‘business’ ‘chasing the dollar’ ‘responding to everyone elses’ ‘emergencies’ ‘threats’ ‘demands’, I’ve been happiest and loved life more . I need to mosey more in that direction away from those threatening bullying cowardly forces that so negatively influence me.
4. I have since a child not been anti authority but keenly aware of ‘abuse of power’ . I was asked once why I was in so many fights. Mostly I have been defending others from bullying, attacks, gross misjustice. I have brought tremendous abuse on myself , usually indirect for getting in the way of corruption. I feel I’m too old to be helping so many underdogs and want to give up the torch to some younger folk but I see the younger people brain washed and propagandize by these very bullies who were there when I was in the peace march, who demanded I work long hours and weekends and evening for their profit. I don’t know what to do about this. I fear for my future and the future of those aging in Canada right now. I don’t know I’ll have any worldly knights but trust I will have angels and have known God’s protection. Yet the abuses I’ve seen of the old and sick concern me and I’m aging and seeing obvious things, rich fat cat incompetent undertrained totally political hospital administrations who can’t even make room for the patients but instead have used hall ways for decades. I was promised hospital beds and investigations for my patients and downstream psychologists and counselling but it’s not materialized. It’s mismanaged and misused with “Marx turning Engels on his head’. The least trained least experienced have the greatest control and power and financial reward while those like me with the greatest training greatest experience and most evidence of excellence have been stripped of our leadership role so that a political administrative class can grow like cancer. I have seen this theme grow in the last 10 years.
5. I have been political this last 4 years feeling that a PM who admits to being impaired mentally, criminal in his behaviour and generally having only ‘dynastic’ ‘brand’ power and a corrupt Quebec mafia lead power base is doing egregious harm to the economy and my patients , the marginalized. His drug addiction and flaunting it with profit driven ‘legalization ‘ of drugs (not decriminalization as we all supported) is directly impacting on me. I smoked marijuana and drank wine. I paid a million dollars in time and money and activity because I was honest and upfront about my use of substance though I was never ever as impaired as the PM and truly not as arrogant or offensive. It is karma to see aspects of myself on big stage and I want never to be so insensitive to others as I was at times. I am thankful that I have not smoked marijuana or cigarettes in 22 years. I gave up alcohol not because I drank more or excessively but that I binged and when I did on holidays mostly I picked up smoking and did things I wouldn’t have done sober. I took ‘unnecessary risks’ when drinking though if the truth be known I had immense pleasures. The smoking was killing me and I couldn’t stay quit smoking nicotine or marijuana because I’d pick it up drinking. I see our leadership as commonly impaired by drugs and alcohol and other addictions. I don’t like it. It’s been an issue for me politically the last 5 years. I am ‘critical’ of politics and politicians and would be more celebratory of those who do good. It’s in this one arena that I have to change. If the Liberals were to win I’d want to leave Canada. I can’t stand seeing this country I love destroyed like Venezuela or Russia. I don’t want to grow old here. I don’t feel safe here any more. I see this involvement in politics with political affiliation, voting and financial contribution as a ‘active democrat’. I am a participant. I see a lot who criticize but don’t take a stand. When you stand up you make yourself a target. I used to love sitting on the fence, the safe and cowardly position of the ‘agnostic’ and the person who ‘likes all parties a bit’. I would appreciate a better legal and political system but am an active member of the one we have now. I’m a realist. I have gone door to door, sat on phones, and participated in all levels of government seeing it as ‘dutiful’. Facebook critics are painful children in most part many not diaper trained, all talk and no action. I’m not. I’ve been billy clubbed and the freedoms others have today I’ve contributed to their having in action and financially. I know who cares by where and what they put their money on. Most people only care for themselves and their immediate families, like animals.
6. I have tried to ‘love my enemies.’ I’m doing better at this and at forgiving but I remain vengeful and fearful. Though frankly it’s been a long time since I woke people in their bedrooms late at night to ‘discuss their problem’. I’ve not cased peoples residences and routes in decades. I’m just trying not to ‘rent a space in my brain for free’ for them now mostly. I’m trying to focus on the positive. I’m seeing in my thoughts and feelings and what comes uppermost in my mind about people especially those who have stolen my money and my time by betrayal and greed and dishonesty remain a sore spot despite having 4th stepped and prayed and given them over to God. I keep picking up the sore like the good Irish Scottish blooded person I have. I even hope that their will be an amnesty on my ‘forgiving sort’ and we’ll have an ‘open season’ on our enemies so I can hunt down and torture and kill those still living. Few are still living. The fact is I rather like those that hurt me too. The older I get this individuals who caused me grief seem more human and I have little anger at them The ‘institutions’ and those in them that abused their power or failed in their duties, those I still loathe. I recognize that these insitutions are critical and important but object to the ‘systems’ as they multiply errors so easily and their lack of transparency make them really sick. Corruption is evil. Yet compared to other countries and other systems this isn’t so bad though I fear it’s present detour into increasing madness.
On the positive side:
1. My life has been blessed untoward by loving parents, family, and teachers and friends and mentors and learning. I’ve really been able to meet and know the greatest and for every ‘glych’ in the relationships there’s been a million benefits. My perception and fear and resentment have been the problem. Even ‘breaking up’ with girls I’ve lacked knowledge and finesse to do it more ‘smoothly’ less hurtfully , more kindly. Looking back I see that we were unable to resolve differences and that while we shared the ‘broad strokes’ the devil was in the details’. I married for children and felt a wife or two wanted to be the ‘child’. I had these great ‘buddies’ and still do. I’ve been blessed with companions. I’m so thankful to have know such incredible loves. I’ve done 10 years of monogamy and committed adultery and been cuckolded and tried a threesome and experienced sex with men and been transvestic but the best love and sex was in a loving monogamous marriage yet the worst love and sex were in monogamous loving marriage. I loved the Art of Loving. Falling in love and marriage is great but divorce is the nightmare. I understand people today not wanting to risk but know that without risk there can never been the greatest gains. So single people seem mostly to have safe shallow lives’ lives of quiet desperation’. I’ll always love that I’ve loved and lost and feel only sadness for those who never played the game.
2. I have had great adventures. I’ve been blessed to study at the university. I’ve never got over the joy of looking in my first electron microscope. I’m still delighted to take a history and physical and see my findings ‘confirmed’ by lab and testing like MRI’s . I love the pictures. But it’s only been first through history that 90% have arisen and 9% through physical. Only 1% or less of the time has a ‘lab’ result ‘surprised me’. The lab has in 40 years of medicine served only to ‘confirm’ my diagnosis and provide direction to therapy. Today I’m a better diagnosticician than I ever was because today I’m the best diagnostician I know, like the teachers of old I so admired. But I don’t have time. I’m denied collateral. I’m surrounded by doctors with no time and consults that are deceitful and withholding. I’m routinely finding that the patients don’t want their doctors to know things or their insurance company or courts or lawyers. This deceitfulness double and triples the time I spend. Malingering and factitious disorders and sociopathy are fueled by the system and the College of Physicians and Surgeons is collectively hurting patients and medicine by their self serving rigidity. They’re 19th century in a 21st century world. I’ve been blessed to be at the front lines where I can see the 21st century. I’m in the present and this is a blessing. I’m very thankful for this in work. I’ve seen amazing cures in cancer and other infectious diseases. I’ve seen the advances in AIDs treatment and in diagnostic clarification and treatment and surgery and stem cell research. I can see a patient who would have died a decade ago live. I can think of the many patietns I knew who died because they had illnesses which we had no cure for at the time. I can see schizophrenics having good lives and people being cured of strokes who’d have dragged limbs or been in wheel chairs int he past. It’s exciting to be here seeing this NASA like world of science and the breakthroughs every day.
I have had the adventures in travel, canoeing, hiking, bicycling across Europe, sailing the west coast then sailing solo in winter hurricanes to the Hawaii Islands, sailing back with crew. I’ve driving cars and vans across Canada and the northern states, motorcycling to Sturges and back 5000 km, and flying to most continents, going to countries I only dreamed of. I love camping. I love my camper. I ve been so blessed.
3. I’ve had a rich spiritual life, with out of body experience, experience of parallel spiritual realms, encounters with angels, seeing heaven, visitations from the dead, countless and relatively routine mystical insights and experiences. Even being ‘psychologically minded’ has meant I’ve been able to tolerate the tension of opposites. I’ve been able to work and succeed in this limited physical world while aware of the greater world. I’ve been truly a spiritual being living a material existence and had many reminders of this especially when I’ve lost track. I’ve a deep relationship with God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit and am thankful. I’ve had access to immense spiritual resources and advanced training in Church and University and Ashrams and Monasteries. I’ve been touched by holy men and women. I’ve prayed and meditated and followed in the paths of those who have lead so well.
4. I’ve had these great pets and raised animals and plants and so enjoyed nature. I’ve delivered a hundred babies and been with as many dying. I’ve been a child therapist, a family therapy, a group therapist and marriage therapist and individual therapist. I’ve walked together with people through so many aspects of their lives and been blessed to mostly help. I’ve been a highly recognisd profession and spoken at national and international conferences and been published locally, nationally and internationally. It’s been great to do these journeys with the presence of a loyal dog and cat, even now Gilbert blind goes everywhere with me, my therapy dog and so uplifting to patients and friends.
5. Ive played games and sports and gone to great concerts and played guitar and sung alone and in groups and in choirs. I’ve dance and taught dancing. I’ve acted. I’ve fought and done martial arts. I’ve been very active and very much driven to be the best I can be, competing mostly with myself and rarely with others.
I have had a truly blessed life and wonderful family, friends, teachers and pets. If I was a better person more kind and more joyful I’d have got more out of this gift of a life. I’m still feeling like I’ve been given a jet plane and I’ve been mostly taxi ing it about the tarmac. I look forward to really flying. Astroprojection. Out of body and levitation are minor ‘tastes’ of understanding ‘gravity’ and going beyond it. I love it explained in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. “Anyone can walk on air but they mustn’t think about doing it’. As the Bible says ‘if you have the faith of a mustard seed you can move a mountain’. I do want to increase my faith. I am of too little faith. I’m right now studying Doubting Thomas. It’s a good start to my next stage of growth personally and spiritually
Thank you God.
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