I didn’t make coffee or meditate or do the daily yoga calisthentics, modest as they are. I did shower and shave and dress and then of all things fed the cat and walked the dog. I picked up his poop. Twice.
Now I’ve read. Commenting fatuously on facebook. Thinking myself rather clever. Vanity. Laughing at the comedy. Now again, the blank slate.
There’s countless things to do
1. Build a space ship
2. Escape orbit
3. Die and go to heaven and pay for the guide book this time round
4. Clean the place...my latest delaying tactic has been to think I ‘ll hire someone and supervise them while they clean the place and keep me attending to this. I did it just before the repairs and the now seeing the post repair mess I’ve been slow going at fixing things up
5. It’s hunting season. I have my truck back and could go out and have an overnight hunt but next week I’m really going hunting.
6. I could go do those shopping things I never have time for.
7. I’d like to get Gilbert groomed but they need an appointment so it will have to wait another couple of weeks.
8. I have a storage locker to organize and clean - Again I thought I’d hire someone and supervise them. What I really need is someone to supervise me.
9. I ‘should’ write the Great Canadian Novel.
10 I ‘should’ produce the ‘great work of art’.
11. I ‘should’ exercise more. I thought of going to the pool.
12. I’ve rather enjoyed reading on the couch. I finished my submarine warfare book last night in bed and have more of Yuval Harran’s Sapiens to have a go at. I’m reading three books a few pages at a time, Harran’s, Ferguson’s and Jordans.
13. I’m supposed to learn another language.
14. I could address the slow internet problem.
15. I have book keeping to do.
16. I could put on pants.
17. I could go to a meeting or church or the pool or the gym or the library or the reading room or Macdonald’s for an egg McMuffin or Starbucks for a latte. I could phone someone .
18. It’s this blank slate. A free day. Not really. Nothing is pressing. The hunting is sort of. The season is limited.
19. I could télé transport somewhere. Beam me up. I’d rather like to have a sex change to slot in a different personality for this one. A new life of adventure. Sort of ‘black like me’ but keeping the genitalia. Cross dressing. I’ve rather wanted breasts. Whenever they’re not around I miss them. So perhaps have my own. Of course whenever there are breasts about I prefer the whole woman and am rather transfixed by their beauty, creativity, genius, but they frighten me today. If you can’t beat em join em.
I don’t remember a lot of my childhood. I was in some very sketchy places, people drinking and doing drugs. I was at the time with girls and other guys. I ‘m thankfully not a ‘black out’ drinker. But what if I was. I would swear I’ve never hit a woman and never raped a woman. I’ve never raped a man. Or had sex with children or animals. I’ve begged women for sex. I’ve given women most of my income in my life time. Even in marriage I’ve requested sex and waited and after months of no sex walked away. I don’t think of myself as a ‘fighter’. I preferred even in hockey to play defence. I’ve hospitalized attackers but they were men. I’ve been attacked by three men at a time and been pretty beat up but let my guard down and on drugs was raped. But I knew the risks and gambled there would be gains. I was disappointed, a lot, The promises didn’t come true. I didn’t get ‘contracts’. I want to get everyone I talk to day to sign a contract. I fear the irrationality and political natures of courts, their preferential treatment to maintain the rich and status quo, their pseudo mercenary war nature, the lack of truth in society and the celebration of slander and false allegations. No one I know today , all my friends, and certainly my enemies, some of whom I think have sex with animals, wouldn’t ‘pass’ the ‘journalist test of public office’. Increasingly I look at the Chinese ‘citizen awar’ and it seems the only one who could ‘pass’ would be a psychopath. Humans need not apply.
I’ve had women and men crawl naked into my beds on many occasions. That happened on the ‘road trips’ with dance and drama. It happened with nurses in call rooms. When I complained I was told I was ‘radiated sexuality’ and my beautiful colleague laughed saying she faced the same and we both wondered if we should ‘act ugly’ or something, I certainly didn’t tell people I was a doctor when I went to clubs. I said I was a teacher and met another teacher who was a priest. I said no over and over again. I’ve run out of rooms and slept in locked bathrooms. Even with a wife on cocaine I’ve left to get a hotel to sleep so I could work in the morning. Her work was erratic. Her drug abuse my problems. I couldn’t ‘control’ my wife so I stopped everything to limit the potential deaths. I was always saying ‘no I’m married’ to women unclothing or rubbing against me. When I was a divorced doctor it was cleavage city and hands all over my body and strategic brushing up against me. It was obvious. The single women doctors laughed and complained about the orderlies. We were as leaders held to a higher standard. I said no and then dated that professional, the amazing day time nurse, night time brothel worker, stalker. Scarey lady. Right out said she wanted to marry a doctor. Cut the tips off condoms. I left town to get away from her. I’ve treated so many psychotics and psychopaths and borderlines and sociopaths. I’m afraid to be around women or children. I don’t like to go outside. The attacks can come from any direction. Maybe the clerk wants 20 minutes fame. I already paid extortion once, and learned ‘that’s just norm in business, the lawyer said, I know she was caught stealing and smoking meth on the job but it’s better to give them money to go away that get dragged through the courts....thousands to a lawyer for advice.....same with the fellow who stole my vehicle.....’if it was worth more, it would be worth the court and all, but you parked it at his place and he sold it and the police won’t prove it and the insurance company won’t accept it lost because you said it was stolen and he’s now chopped it and included it in the insurance claim for his house he burnt down....go after him and he’ll show up on tv holding somebody’s baby and claiming you’re harassing him....take the loss....the price of doing business....my friend laughs when I whine about the law....tells me how he and his friends have to remove a gang and their meth lab from his father’s apartment building because the police wouldn’t get involved. The guy threatened to kills me and my dog for a whole year and only stops when he threatens to kill Trudeau on his visit and finally he’s silenced. I felt in good company he’d been threatening to kill a lawyer and his dog all year. I don’t know why I pay taxes.
I don’t remember a lot of my childhood. I was in some very sketchy places, people drinking and doing drugs. I was at the time with girls and other guys. I ‘m thankfully not a ‘black out’ drinker. But what if I was. I would swear I’ve never hit a woman and never raped a woman. I’ve never raped a man. Or had sex with children or animals. I’ve begged women for sex. I’ve given women most of my income in my life time. Even in marriage I’ve requested sex and waited and after months of no sex walked away. I don’t think of myself as a ‘fighter’. I preferred even in hockey to play defence. I’ve hospitalized attackers but they were men. I’ve been attacked by three men at a time and been pretty beat up but let my guard down and on drugs was raped. But I knew the risks and gambled there would be gains. I was disappointed, a lot, The promises didn’t come true. I didn’t get ‘contracts’. I want to get everyone I talk to day to sign a contract. I fear the irrationality and political natures of courts, their preferential treatment to maintain the rich and status quo, their pseudo mercenary war nature, the lack of truth in society and the celebration of slander and false allegations. No one I know today , all my friends, and certainly my enemies, some of whom I think have sex with animals, wouldn’t ‘pass’ the ‘journalist test of public office’. Increasingly I look at the Chinese ‘citizen awar’ and it seems the only one who could ‘pass’ would be a psychopath. Humans need not apply.
I’ve had women and men crawl naked into my beds on many occasions. That happened on the ‘road trips’ with dance and drama. It happened with nurses in call rooms. When I complained I was told I was ‘radiated sexuality’ and my beautiful colleague laughed saying she faced the same and we both wondered if we should ‘act ugly’ or something, I certainly didn’t tell people I was a doctor when I went to clubs. I said I was a teacher and met another teacher who was a priest. I said no over and over again. I’ve run out of rooms and slept in locked bathrooms. Even with a wife on cocaine I’ve left to get a hotel to sleep so I could work in the morning. Her work was erratic. Her drug abuse my problems. I couldn’t ‘control’ my wife so I stopped everything to limit the potential deaths. I was always saying ‘no I’m married’ to women unclothing or rubbing against me. When I was a divorced doctor it was cleavage city and hands all over my body and strategic brushing up against me. It was obvious. The single women doctors laughed and complained about the orderlies. We were as leaders held to a higher standard. I said no and then dated that professional, the amazing day time nurse, night time brothel worker, stalker. Scarey lady. Right out said she wanted to marry a doctor. Cut the tips off condoms. I left town to get away from her. I’ve treated so many psychotics and psychopaths and borderlines and sociopaths. I’m afraid to be around women or children. I don’t like to go outside. The attacks can come from any direction. Maybe the clerk wants 20 minutes fame. I already paid extortion once, and learned ‘that’s just norm in business, the lawyer said, I know she was caught stealing and smoking meth on the job but it’s better to give them money to go away that get dragged through the courts....thousands to a lawyer for advice.....same with the fellow who stole my vehicle.....’if it was worth more, it would be worth the court and all, but you parked it at his place and he sold it and the police won’t prove it and the insurance company won’t accept it lost because you said it was stolen and he’s now chopped it and included it in the insurance claim for his house he burnt down....go after him and he’ll show up on tv holding somebody’s baby and claiming you’re harassing him....take the loss....the price of doing business....my friend laughs when I whine about the law....tells me how he and his friends have to remove a gang and their meth lab from his father’s apartment building because the police wouldn’t get involved. The guy threatened to kills me and my dog for a whole year and only stops when he threatens to kill Trudeau on his visit and finally he’s silenced. I felt in good company he’d been threatening to kill a lawyer and his dog all year. I don’t know why I pay taxes.
I can go out . I stay alone and it’s a bit crazy. I liked sailing across straits and such. The boat on autopilot. A fishing line out. I was doing something. I can’t sit here and put a fishing line out the window and feel I’m doing something.
20. I ‘should’ be finding a cure for schizophrenia. It’s the physical doctors job to ‘cure cancer’. I should find a ‘cure’ for addiction. Abstinence and truth are too daunting. The great experiment with everyone smoking dope is about to begin. Seemed like the drinkers smoked and drugs begat drugs rather than lessened them and drugs birds of a feather flock together. C
21. It’s a blank slate I derail into past resentments and future fears rather than addressing the perfection of the present, the now won because this is the dimension where God is. I’m in the presence of God, plaise and thanksgiving, prayer and forgiveness, meditation. Here Lord I’m yours. Guide me. Take this time and make me a channel of thy peace.
22. I have to get the cat kitty litter. I need a screw to repair my bow. I need a u-bolt from Canadian Tire. I could vacuum. I could just get on my motorcycle and see where it takes me. I did that with my bicycle those idyllic summer days when I had nothing but time. Now it’s a priceless commodity and I’m always feeling I’m not holding it sacred like a new born baby but taking it for granted. Time is life.
23. I have to leave this screen and keyboard for now and move. I like the get on the motorcycle idea. Wind therapy. Thank you God.
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