3 am awake

I woke feeling afraid, anxious, vulnerable.  I have resisted the paranoia of the world. I’ve fought against the psychosis of modern society. I have struggled to stay open.  I began to write stream of consciousness journaling, having read Artists Way and Finegan’s Wake and seeing so much mental anguish in work. People were afraid to speak and share, living lies of ‘quiet desperation’ .

I recently explained that ‘the man who mistook their wife for a hat’ was the best little book about brain damage. It was in a discussion of dementia when a person was medicalizing forgetfulness and slippery sliding into denial of civil liberties for forgetfulness. I explained that medically dementia was a failure of neuroplasticity. The brain was a self healing organism and yet over the time the capacity to function with rationality and meaning were lost. The point was that it was ‘the little stuff’ but big stuff that counted ‘like the man who mistook his wife for a hat.’   

I was concerned decades ago that people believed ‘insaniety’ was what one ‘thought’.  I was so aware of the communist persecution and tyranny of dictatorships at the time.  I was a member of the Canadian Civil Liberties Society and Psychiatrists against the Politial abuse of Psychiatry.  I’d studied logic at university and saw that rhetoric was the norm in parliament. I was concerned reading of the Gulags and twisting thinking of Marxists whose generalizations were so appealing yet no better than the ‘deconstructionists’.  Hypocrisy. 

The oldest law of the world is the ‘Chinese Law of the Fish’.

The problem of creativity was that one’s thinking was ‘strange’ and ‘alien’.  One step ahead of the crowd you are a genius, two steps a head of the crowd you are a martyr.  The problem wasn’t in the ‘thinking’ and a need for more ‘thought police’ but rather in action.  

My Jewish genius friend told me that he is afraid to step outside anymore. “I meet people who aren’t even in the 15th century. They come from countries where the ruler is considered divine so there’s been no group consensus like the Magna Carta. Others a living before the 18th and 19th century.  They don’t know the French Revolution guillotined the poor leadership or that the American War of Independence rejected the foreign dominance.  They certainly haven’t experienced the 60’s revolution. Sex is still the ‘state’s’ And ‘my body my own’ is unheard of .  That said I’m discussing quantum entanglement in my home and mind body spiritual epistemology questioning the purpose and meaning of existence and the role of the artists in society and my new neighbour wants to live out 1950’s all over again.  When I step out of my home I find myself in this time warp recurring loop and am persecetuted by those who don’t even know the power of marketting, fringe politics of Hitler and just want consumerism and conformity.”

I wrote my blog to celebrate the breadth of ideas and that diversity was the acceptance not of the ‘state approved’ ‘groups of acceptable concerns’ but rather for the bizarre unusual and anxiety provoking.  Stephen King was an alcoholic.  The government is the primary drug and alcohol pusher for the sake of self serving taxation conveniently forgetting the 30’s referendum in Canada at least that said ‘sin tax’ was only to be used for health care not to reward politicians.  

It’s easy to be a critic. Critics are a dime a dozen.  Desire is the root of all suffering, says Buddha.  Yet Jesus said ‘take the timber out of your own eye before taking the sliver out of your neighbours’.  Jordan Peterson said that 10% of society now did not have the intellectual capacity to function in a modern society of computers and AI.  Piatian psychologists studied a cross section of society and found that the development of abstract thinking seen by Piaget in his children as occurring with adolescence wasn’t achieved by a surprising half or majority until well into their thirties.  

I just came back from a couple of months in the US and was aware of the vast differences between the political systems and government of Canada and the Us but know most Canadian media homogenizes the systems to utilize generalizations. We do. it’s communication.

I wanted my patients to realize that ‘normal’ people had all manner of fear, anger, loves, emotions , doubts and that this wasn’t insane.  I wanted to share my own ambivalence and show that yes I can be the ‘leader’ and hide my thoughts with ‘boundaries’ and all manner of ‘state approved’ deception but that this focus on the exterior in terms of thought was horribly disabling and gave rise the the greatest of tragedies.  Now we have all manner of insaniety with the term ‘emotional abuse’.  All manner of insaniety.  There is a society of malignant subjectivity, a culture of narcissism and a world of the selfie.  Whole tribes aim to be ‘influences’.  Marketting is preferred to truth. All truth is ‘my’ truth or ‘your truth’ and perspective. There’s a superficial interpretation of relativity in a world of ‘if it feels good do it’. Yet the word feeling can come from lust or love and both feel good but in an amoral society where ethics are not longer respected there’s a devil in the details.

I’m anxious because of Julian Assange and the honey traps perfected in WWII and the Cold War still being used today.  Gossip and mob violence reign.  Law and order decline. Cowardly leadership.  Weak men and long necked women.

In the middle of the night I wake afraid because I’ve tried to bare my soul to say this self reflection and expression of the good and bad is okay. It’s all about he Spirituality of Imperfection. The leaders aren’t perfect. Their power suits and pretty houses and body guards and hidden wealth are all rather passé.  I like the story Reacher.  A modern day St. Francis, the zen monk of my youthful television days.  

I have wearied of the cacophony of criticism and the demand and bullying for my time and attention and gone off alone on expeditions to the north and to sea. I’ve enjoyed solitude and not been lonely with a woman and a dog and often with just a dog and even when I had a fish or a houseplant.  So many don’t know the essence of such relationship.  I am at times aware of the great mystical wonder of being apart of the forest or the world.

I’ve found gratitude helps me adjust my attitude.  When I’m afraid and can’t sleep I write what I’m thankful for. I give up fear and replace it with faith. I believe in love. I believe the other is God. I believe I’m playing peekaboo all day with Jesus.  I pray that the saints of all religions love shine on my devotion. I am thankful for the air I breath for breathing, for the sun, for warmth and heat, for food and sustenance, for my room mate dog companion, for mobility and walking.  I am thankful for feeling. I’m thankful for showers. I’m thankful for all the well wishers. I have this fault where I hear a dozens words of praise and one word of disdain and I disregard all the positivity and focus on the negativity. I magnify disease so that I can heal it which is good in the objectivity but subjectivity I must remember Jesus said, Love God and Love your neighbour as yourself.

The weasel words are ‘God’ and ‘Neighbour’.  The natives say ‘all my relations’.  I enjoyed meeting the Jain and spending the day with him as he shared how he struggled with killing a mosquito.  He was like the Quakers who fasted for killing to but that of humans. Their neighbour was ‘humanoid’.  The war of Gods was the history at the beginning of civilizations when Yahweh and other gods were tribal gods.  

God to me is life.  All things.  All.  I loved Phillips book, Your God is too small. Then I’m talking with aetheists whose reductionism is infinitismal.  But there are no aetheists at sea or in fox holes. Aetheism is a hot house plant and the religion of communism, a dictorship.  

The movies are all ‘revenge porn’ or ‘sex porn’.  Primal stories of the Joseph Campbell variety.  The joke was if you are younger than 40 go to a Freudian because your issues are all sex and aggression but if you’re over 40 go to a Jungian because your issues are about alienation and integration.  I loved the book Denial of Death.  I fear even fleeting thoughts of suicide in depths of despair because I believe in the law of attraction.

I see depressed and angry and frightened people all day and their emotions and ideas are like infections and they are infective. I am hours on the front line knowing that the administrative class and upper class and the powerful want nothing to do with the ‘people’ .  I’m daily facing at least one ‘soul theif’.  They’re there to ‘steal my joy’ or ‘run in my day.’  They’re the kafetch and Im trying desperately to survive an hour of their fear which grates like nails on a chalkboard.  They are angry at the world and as I’m part of it I’m in their sights.  

My job is not to be their lawyer

The psychiatrist focuses on changing the invidual with psychotherapy or medications or other physical therapies.  I’m an addiction psychiatrist and trauma psychiatrist.  I am like a driving instructor who sits in the car and asks that they let me take the wheel as we crash and burn.  I walk a mile in their shoes and hope to return. I’m thoroughly buggered at the end of the day.  I’ve been spat on hit, shat on, held hostage and thoroughly abused by my superiors who hide in institutions and avoid contact with people and have the resources to walk about the wards as ‘gangs’. I’m a lone cop in a police car. I’m the priest in the battlefield.

I am holding on to life. I’m holding onto this work. I ‘m said to be at retirement age.  I’m supposed to have a referral service who screens out psychopaths and sociopaths.  Theres’ a public service and a private service but everyone is now treated as a government worker by the populace who don’t respect private business or that the damage they do to the building I’m in comes out of my income.  The government says they should be ‘free’ .  The government makes all manner of promises but takes the wealth and leaves us on the front lines like the soldiers on the beach.  I wonder how long I can do this.  

I was threatened three times today. I’ve had patients point guns at me in the office. I’ve been robbed and mugged.  So many patients live in their tv.  There are signs all over the city now don’t hurts the healing staff.  The delays and lack of services are caused by Ottawa, not me.  I’m not the enemy. The rabid dogs are bitting the hand that feeds and the police are hiding in bunkers while the corruption and greed stalk the world.

I go to work in the real world.  The majority of critics and complainers live in the safety of their screen, experiences a sanitized propaganda version of reality.

I tried explain that the diagnosis of PTSD came from what soldiers experienced not ‘emotional abuse’.  The entitled privileged narcissists screamed at me that I didn’t understand.  She had a monopoly on pain and it was always about her.

Since in the end the other is God and I am looking in a mirror I had to reflect with sadness that that was me when I was a teenager. She might be much older but the suffering I felt in her uncontrolled rage was no difference than my mother ‘s pain when I was a teen and shouting at her, blaming her for my emotional immaturity.  I sat years later in the Ashram and the Church trying to forgive myself.  I still am so ashamed that I was a toddler and shit myself.  Now am facing this in old age and wondering about compassion missing my father and brother and grand father and feeling alone.  I feel forsaken yet know I’m not.

Thank you God for the good times. Thank you God for the ‘tools’. Thank you God that I am able to recalibrate. Thank you God that I have learned what I struggle to pass on. Thank you God that I have some patience as I progress towards the only choice of acceptance on deaths bed.  Thank you God for preparing me for departure. help me to know I’m not this body, this ego, this suffering and am joy . Thank you for my being a spiritual being in a material world and knowing my mind is more than my brain.. Thank you for peace and calm and faith. Thank you God for being there with me when I feel persecuted and alone threatened and afraid.  So many threats today. So much anger.

i know these people sometimes for an hour and they say that’s they’re going to kill me as if that will solve a life of errors and defeats. I struggle to help them up while they’re flailing about having a tantrum on my office floor threatening homicide and suicide and claiming they’re going to make the world a better place by annihilating me.

Then I read that my government which paid and murdering terrorist 10 million dollars supports the Hamas terrorists and I hate that the Prime Minister is such an evil twot. As above so below.  God gives us the leaders we deserve.  Politics is the choice of the least bad alternative.  I want to go back to Israel and sit in the temple .  I remember the three markets and the disorder and sense of safety I felt or didn’t feel in each of the markets depending on the religion of the people. I don’t like the Religion of Peace that kills homosexuals.

I must find the God within to heal fron the verbal assaults and threats and abuse and the broken system with so many afraid and angry with the mismanagement of the economy and the inflation and corruption.  It’s tax time.  I’m trying to gather all the paper.  I’m pressured to meet deadliness.

I have this sense that I’m waiting for Godot. that this is where it’s’ come to.  Younger I worked and looked to a future with hope of a private plane , a family , a 

mansion a white picket fence and a family. Here I am some days feeling like the old.  My retired friends are leaving the miliaray captains or colonels knowing they didn’t make it to general and that they ‘failed’.  The rich are poor in the end. We are all 3 paychecks from eviction.  I have saved only to have the trust fund boy steal my savings and the evil witch threaten bank accounts and freeze the assets of those who love freedom. I’m afraid and can’t build up riches on earth.

There is only you God. there is no where to hide her. I went to Meteora and Cappadocia and I’ve been to the islands and to the north. There’s nowhere to hide. I have my back up against the wall of death and the abyss is there.  I walk among the delusional immortals who know no respect and haven’t been stabbed or attacked.  They’ve lived quiet lives as bullies and haven’t been to jail and asylum and haven’t seen the inside of a quiet room or solitary.  They don’t know the feeling of restraints. They’re living young without the experience of a body that betrays them, a glass spilled because the weight can not be sustained by the wrist and arm. The shaking and tremors are apparent now.  I’m laughing thinking of the shame.  

I liked Clint Eastwood, I don’t let the old man in

Trudeau wants to euthanize the mentally ill.  He claims it’s what they want.  I dentificatin with the aggressor.  Power and homeless, Solyet GReen eappeals but the rich and powerful aren’t leading the way.  Trudeau leads from the rear.  Communist leaders do.  

But then wars are for old men to kill young men.  They play their families against another’s families.  The gangs go on ….It’s like the animal and insect behaviour. All the poetry doesn’t change the barbarism.

You’ve survived.

Thank you God. thank you Jesus. Thank you for the heat. Thank you for this body. Thank you for sleep and wakeful. Thank you for the mind and heart and soul . Thank you for this day and night. May I know you more truly and surely.  

 

Wee hour peanut butter and jam

I am having a peanut butter and marmalade open sandwich.  It’s 5 am.  I woke up at 330 am to pee and now have peed twice, said prayers, petted Madigan and read university on line course offerings.  I completed my winter adventure and the spring now waits. I have a course to complete on driving and driving training to do. I continue my studies in gender.  I’m attending church and AA.  I could play guitar and sing again now that I have hearing aids.  

I’ve a day of work tomorrow.  I’ve paperwork to gather for my accountant to complete my taxes. I’m been whittling away at such tasks. I’ve laundry to pick up and drop off. I’ve not yet returned to doing my own loads in my own washer and drier given the bags of laundry I’ve been doing.  The Merry Maids came yesterday and did a marvellous job of leaving the place clean and tidy. It’s uplifting to have that feeling of being cared for each time they come and go.  I slept from 10 to 330 in a well made bed with clean sheets and comforter. I have been using the electric blanket and enjoying the warmth of bed. It was snowing/sleeting yesterday.  The temperature has been very low and my propane heating costs very high.  

The 10 week 10 hour a week course on prehistoric ritual and religion appeals to me. I considered the history of medicine and history of art too but keep returning to archeology and anthropology in my on going training in spirituality.  

WPATH is meeting in Lisbon.  I’d thought of attending. Portugal is appealing but what as far as I can tell my bucket list now is only Venice, Vienna and Berlin.  Southern Ireland and Scotland are forever calling now.  I always think a bridge too far and must reign in enthusiasm.  I enjoyed reading the philosophy of mind course addressing the mind-body issue andd yes I’d like to take that.  I enjoyed studying Biblical Hebrew from the University of Jerusalem but the problem then was poor broad band connection with the internet I received on the boat at dock.  Now my Starlink is really serving me well.  My home is back to normal with too much clutter.  All I need is available but I do need a run to the storage locker and I have that nagging feeling I have to seriously reduce the cost and collection.  I have too many old clothes.  Given how little I needed this 2 1/2 months in the south I really don’t need all of what I have here or especially what I have in storage.  I enjoyed putting bags of excess clothing in the diabetes clothing bin behind my Ford dealer.  

So here I am with my mind considering all that I have to do.  I did drink strong coffee at the meeting last night.  George told me he’ll be 82 next month and shared tales of his younger years travelling about partying with friends and losing jobs and changing jobs with his portable skills in waiting and bar tending.  I reflected back to those days when I enjoyed the freedom of having a ‘job’ compared to the ‘career’ I have today.

I enjoy my work on line.  I’ve been back in the clinics and will be back at docside next week.

I thought of doing a series of papers on psychopharmacology and doing a simple utube presentation of the studies.  

I also reflected on those folk who watch documentaries and learning channel, History and National Geographic.  I do that very little, my principle night television watching a recent movie, a thiller or war or spy, or detective.  Last night I watched another episode of NCIS and enjoyed Gibbs.  I’d earlier watched an episode of Star Trek.  I feel inspired not only to learn but to write and create but so far all it comes down to is I can’t sleep and I’ve now had a peanut butter and jam sandwich so should get back to sleep with the hope of another hour or two.

Maybe I’ll read in bed for a bit.  

I’ll fill out the university application tomorrow. I resisted doing it today. It’s the same course I contemplated a year ago.  The British Museum exhibit of early man excited me as did my archeology studies in undergrad of the Minoans and Mycenaeans.  I was blessed to visit Knossos.  

I was glad to get back in touch with Bob, his accepting a referral I made. I really ought to arrange for coffee and discussion .  I’d love to keep up with what he is doing and enjoyed our discussions in the past.  

I’m 72.  I was thankful for all the birthday wishes on Facebook. Otherwise it was a non event that is still dawning on my. 71 was a very good year.  I’m grateful for the blessings I’ve had .

I don’t struggle with Jesus as son of God.  I appreciate Yahvew as being and creator.  I understand Jesus as the human face and the Holy Ghost as a motherly force but the idea of Jesus ‘dying for our sins ‘and Paul’s Judaic ‘blood sacrifice’ though is lifted out of the primitive religions I wish to study. Like Golden Bough.  I find that interpretation of the Life of Jesus stilted.  I more easily relate to the mysticism of Jesus and Christianity.  Knowing God. Prayer and meditation.  Sin means to miss the mark, the imperfect.  I like Kurtz , the Spirituality of Imperfectin and Cohen’s the crack that lets the light in.  Our Brokeness but the ‘sacrificial’ no so much which is why I guess I am attracted to this course. In addiction the person is killing self and turning their back on life and God.  

We discussed faith and fear last night.  FEAR - Fuck everything and run or Face everything and Recovery.  George shared another I’d not known False Evidence Appearing Real.  

I have knee and back pain.  I have been careful because I need to be able to walk to serve my dog.  We had roast chicken tonight.  

Well, another try at bed.  

 

Commercial Street

Commercial street is my favourite people watching street.  Great coffee shops.  Joe’s is a favourite.  Today I’m sitting in the heated balcony having delicious breakfast.  I had the chorizo hash.  Madigan loved the burger paddy. Now I’m eating his fries.  

So far I’ve seen two women dressed in skirts over pyjama bottoms.  Not quite up to the Walmart Standards of attire but an uptown version.  It may well become the next fashion. Commercial has that community feel.  I suspect these two just see the Havana balcony as their own veranda.  They’ll live in one of the funky partitioned house apartments loved for the outdoor gardens tenants managed. There are a few apartment buildings but it’s not at all downtown.  People actually live as families in the houses too.  

Commercial is known as the second Davie street.  Davie was the original gay friendly street but in recent years more people have moved to this friendly neighbourhood.  The west end remains the west end but became a bit iffy with Covid and more violence and drugs.  

Commercial has a bit of that problem .  A friend bought a house and moved away a couple of years later not liking needles left in her backyard,  It’s a modern urban problem .  The DTES is the highest density of this but its effects reach out to West Vancouver and Kitzilano.  All one hopes for is that the light is greater than the dark. Like here on Commercial.  Mother’s with children, and even a couple of babies in strollers have passed in the last few minutes.  One doesn’t see yuppies and babies in the DTES but here they do.  

It’s also known for the artists and students it attracts.  Once the Italian sector as evidenced still by the coffee shops and huge tv screens always tuned to Soccer. I used to come here for the Italian foods, pasta sauces, rigaretto , delicious bread and fine sausages.  

We loved a Saturday meeting called ‘alive on the drive’ which attracted a half dozen or more of us as the meeting place before going for breakfast at the then avante garde Vegetarian restaurant before everyone because vegetarian because they could no longer afford meat. 

 I couldn’t help but notice the steak I bought a year or two ago for $5 is now $20.  Obviously global inflation is a problem but Canadian government financial mismanagement and corruption has contributed massively to the simple cost of living. The head of the Bank of Canada actually in an unprecedented response pointed the finger directly at the prime minister who has denied accountability for everything negatively like an underdeveloped teen age tyrant. It’s disheartening at times but thankfully history is replete with rise and falls of tyrants and bad times being followed by good times.  It’s simply best to maintain hope and faith.  Canada is still my home and despite extensive travels I keep returning here if only it’s the devil I know.  Obviously there are better places and better governments elsewhere but they’re simply not ‘home’.  

I heard a Trudeau Liberal Cabinet minister asked what he would do if he was elected in the election and he responded, “I’d probably go home and enter politics there.”  He consider Somalia home, not Canada.  I consider Canada my home and don’t respect uncultured miscreants like Trudeau who claims to be post national.  The Global Communist dictatorship agenda promoted by the rogues gallery of the UN under the new guise promoted by Schwab, today’s Lenin.  All the jet owning jet setting millionaires love to gather and discuss totalitarianism and bug food for the middle and lower classes knowing they’re continue to drink champagne and eat caviar at the next incarnation of Epstein Island.

That said I’m here on Commercial street robust with the college grads who often looking for work or working three jobs. This is where the centre of creativity is, the powerhouse of the middle class crushed between the peasant thugs and elite bullies.  The middle class doesn’t say ‘steal from the rich and give to the poor’ or tax the middle class more. They go to work and create.  Commercial Street is that hot bed of creativity with fashion boutiques,  and little shops and unique people from all walks of life. I liked that Rufus Guitars continued to grow my youth and now has large building here.  The ethnic foods have changed from European to Asian to Africans.  

My favourite second hand books store was here.  I don’t know if it still is.  I used to walk this street with George each week discussing philosophy, medicine and theology before he died too young, an old man who we never thought was old. I’m that age now.  My knee aches and what I thought were sailors sun wrinkles are looking more the influence of gravity.

Havana’s is filling up.  Great restaurant.  Love the waiters and waitresses.  We’ve had a lovely meal and some time to reflect on this incredibly diverse street and exciting street.  

I’m thankful for the times times I’ve had on Commercial. 

 

Thank you God for the rest.

I am grateful today.  I’m settled back into my residence with Star Link finally working.  I’d restored electricity , water and sewer and had the marvellous ladies from Merry Maid come to clean my place as well as clean and sort the camper.  I had simply done so much since arriving back from two and one half months in the south missing winter here. It’s not a minor matter.  So many matters need to be addressed with even a short term move. I’m still sorting out my mail which wasn’t forwarded but collected at the post office to be there when I returned.  

The greatest challenge was the death of Starlink, the cable and dish interface failing. Starlink sent me a new dish and cable but in the the couple of weeks I had to use Tengointernet which has a limit of two devices and sometimes intermittent coverage.  It really did tide me over. Now my Star link is up.

At Apple gifted myself the new Titanium tough watch, good for scuba diving and having gps and maps. It replaces my Garmin and the Apple iWatch that really was too gentle for the hunting and camping trips I took it on.  I was glad for the $200 trade in.

There was the mini ipad that Apple Care replaced since it had broken with a bang being carried in a knapsack.  I bought the new Samsung 43 QLED Smart TV having had such pleasure upgrading the tv in the camper to a ‘smart’ one. I was able to give the old one, still in great shape to a friend who told me his smaller tv had just begun to fade.  Timely advance

Kelvin of Travco helped me with the getting the electricity and water and ensuring the camper was set up for storage.  Murray was so kind to make the time to come out to Chilliwack with the camper, get it off loaded then tarp it against leaks. He drove my mini home and I drove the truck.  

I worked the week too. I even made it to the clinic and gave Karen the hard copies of work that I’d turbofaxed her from Yuma.  

Today I’m picking up my new hearing aids.

I’d kept money in reserve while travelling in case of any calamity in the US.  Only minor costs , like fixing the sewage outlet arose so I felt I had this ‘saved’ money so could do some self care. I was even able to gift family which always feels good.  When I was young my aunt use to surprise us with small gifts of ‘fun money’ she called it. 

I had my hair coloured and nail painted black.  I’ve been to church and meetings.

It’s like I’m reestablished in my home.

I learned some things.  One was that I didn’t ‘use my city’.  What I enjoyed away is right here at home.  The beaches and birds of Oceanside California with the surfers and people having fun on the beach is readily available in English Bay. It’s simply been to long since I ‘ve made the time to go there. Covid so disrupted my life that I became a homebody. I used to have season’s tickets to the Ballet, Theatre and often went to the Opera and Symphony.  Since Covid I’ve just made it to a couple of sympthonies.  I’ve the New Westminster seawall I can walk and I’ve done that a couple of times. It’s not quite Stanley Park but it’s a working riven and truly lovely. I really need to do that more , having the fish and chips on the outings.  It’s been too long since I’ve been to Steveston’s.  I haven’t had chilli at the top of Grouse or Cyprus and haven’t been snow shoeing or skiing since before Covid.  Since Covid I’ve mostly walked the Brunette River with little change in routine, a circumscribed life and too much time watching tv and not venturing out. I realized that while I ride my motorcycle I’d not done more than day trips and the fun was weekends in the saddle a camping nights.  I’ve been hunting a few times and still love Princeton and Merritt and 100 mile.  I’ve done a few weekends at Harrison but simply not enough. Away I was taking trips to ghost towns, riding my bike to the Marine Airfield, going to the Proving grounds, checking out the wildlife museum, trying out different outdoor cafe’s.  I love people watching on Commercial and it’s the best but too much time I took the path of least ressstance.  I did several virtual meetings a week but before Covid I was doing them in person. I was attending the Canadian Author Association monthly meetings and making it too regularly.  I was participating in my city.  I realized that and have made the plan to mend my ways.  More exercise and more being a tourist in my own town. It was good to see Murray , Dave and Mack.  Covid isolated me and now I’m realizing I need to make the effort to reconnect. 

I gather I was depressed by the time I left.  The stress of Covid and illness and all the patients struggling with finances because of government corruption and mismanagement. It was great being away because I wasn’t hearing of Trudeau mania, the frenzy of a bad kid spending no everyone else’s money as if it was his own.  Twisted and evil.  I let it get to me because finances were so hurting my patients and as I listened to them every day it got to me how the lies of Ottawa were hurting the little guys of the west.  I got away and for 2 and 1/2 months didn’t see the devastation, didn’t have to watch the countries decline to a third world nation.  America had its problems but they were not my problems and I was just passing through. I really have to let go of the politics of my home because I’m just passing through.

I am praying every day. I meditated daily but not long enough. Not deep enough. It’s like walking the dog. I do that every day three times , about an hour and a half to two hours but I know I’ve done a better job when on some days I’ve walked him more.  In Arizona I had a longer walk routine and we both benefitted from the exercise. He’s my physiotherapist.  

 I’m supposed to be writing books but frankly I’m enjoying my work and time.

I’m astonished at the ‘mess’ I’ve created since returning. I really need to ‘cull’ my stuff. I’m far too cluttered and after living just fine in a little camper for 2 1/2 half months I can see there’s just so much I’ve got that’s duplicated or in excess. I’ve pots I don’t use and mugs I don’t use and everything is duplicated in the storage locker.  I have a dozen dress shirts and would only wear those if I had to go to court.  I have so much trouble reducing and wished I had someone I could do this work with.

Should I keep this, give it away, or toss it ?  Person. 

I’m going to make an effort.  Maybe a trip to the storage locker too. That’s gloomy though and I’d love some help there. I’ve spent so much of my life entertaining others and serving their needs that it’s good now to show self care. I’ve not got into the chiropracter her though my back has been painful. My knee has been problematic too but I did swim and can do more of that.  Before I left I was swimming twice a week though not doing enough laps or spending enough time.  I picked up a couple of hand weights and need to simply move with them to help the tremor in my hand from the neck injury in the pitchpoling rolling car crash, my first near death experience. God has been good to me , what with helping me survive plane crashes, motorcycle crashes, truck crashes , assaults and being held hostage. it’s been an adventure and always God has been there. Thank you Jesus.  

I really need to read scripture more but I do this is spurts whereas I did better when I took courses and need to do that again, commit to study. I’ve a conference in psychiatry I must attend to find the answer to questions I’m encountering.  One day at a time.  One step after the next.  

Today I’ll address the hurdle of banks and taxes.  That’s the next step . I’ll get started right now.  

Thank you for the air, the earth, the trees, the river, Madigan, wifi, cell service, propane, heat, running water, electricity, my heater blanket, the refridgerator, expresso maker, milk, honey

thank you for all this God. Thank you for feelings and the temporary material pleasures of consumer happiness. Help me to seek joy more in you and know that attachment is still a struggle. Help me to over come fear of financial insecurity and better manage my time and resources to your  end.  

I’m happy in my own adventure. I know that so many do it. It’s not like bicycling a cross Europe, becoming a specialist, being a flyin doctor in northern canada or on tropical islands or sailing solo to Hawaii through winter hurricanes. It’s fairly mundane.  Driving a truck and camper with a dog and motorcycle down to the Mexican border and skipping a Canadian winter for a season, living and working virtual for 2 and 1/2 months.  It’s something I dreamed of doing when I read Steinbeck’s Travel’s with Charlie and a dream I had when I sailed my sailboat to Sea of Cortez and left it there to return to only to have a divorce limit that dream and adventure. I know now to chart my own course but while I invite others along they don’t share my dream and have their own ideas of what brings them joy.  Now I’m again wondering what I’ll do when I grow up.

What’s the next adventure. I imagine Venice, Berlin and Vienna or Thailand and India again. I ‘d love to return to South Ireland and scotland but truthfully I’m travelled out and think maybe this year I’ll just visit family and maybe join a moose hunt. I do want to go to Victoria again. It’s one of those places I’ve been too long away from.  

I continue to explore the anima feeling I’ve done my animus time as best I can and physically feeling no longer capable of the ‘masculine ‘ idea of being the ‘woman’s tool’. Serving her lifting and carrying and defending and supporting her. I’d instead like more massages and maybe visits to the hot tub and spas.  My body has really hurt with the storms and weather here. It was more comfortable in the dessert but I expect that in time that would have worn. I love the air here now as I loved the air there.  I am here with the coming of spring and that’s joyous.  I love the bird songs and look forward to the migration that’s so exciting here.  

thank you Jesus.  Son of God you came to earth and faced the ignorance and fear of the closed minds of the worldly.  Help me open my heart and mind to your lesson of faith.  I would know your grace and be more aware each day. Thank you for all your blessings.

Thank you for the dreams. I loved that the toilet that accommodation had been painted, the room was white and not the sordid shitty mess that it so often is.   I loved discussing paranoia in another dream with my esteemed colleague. It’s like I’m emotionally able to confront the greatest threat and time of greatest abuse in my life in a different way. I can look the betrayal in the face racially but my unconscious is letting me know I’ve moved forward.

It’s like every time I finished a motorcycle ride I’m again assured that God loves and protects me. Thank you Jesus. 

Gratitude for a Workation South

I am thankful today for the last few months.  Seeing the Fifth Wheel I remembered the chaos of departure.  I’d not moved the fifth wheel in years and was thankful for Kelvin from Tavco’s help.  Paul at Yarrow Towing was great too.  John from Chilliwack RV storage introduced me to Paul, another in his list of reliable guys.  

So there was all the stowing that went into it and the selection of what I’d need for 2 1/2 months. I had everything I needed in the camper and only had to buy an expresso machine., I was so well outfitted.  

Now I’m here and just so thankful for Merry Maids and Alena and Ilena ,who were cleaning the fifth wheel for 4 hours yesterday and are coming back today.  All the important and necessary items have to be transferred from this unit to the big unit. I’ve also filled a large laundry bag and will pick up another one or two from the fifth wheel. It’s overly apparent I had too much stuff over there, mostly clothes. I’ve clothing in storage and don’t think I’ll be needing more work dress shirts or jeans with little waists I may never know again.  

It fills me with such a good feeling. Yesterday as everything fell into place, getting the water and propane working on the fifth wheel,  renewing my passport, having the glass fixed on my iPhone and Apple Care taking care of the broken mini ipad and the lady maids arriving and late Kelvin from Travco.  Then the men’s meetings, seeing all the guys , being asked to share and also passing on the rosary I’d brought back from Mexico for Mario who’d asked if I would.  All along Madigan was at the camper and going for walks in between errands.  I rode the motorcycle despite the rain and the truck.

It’s a whole lot of moving parts.

I loved that I was able to work with the help of Apple Computers and IPads and Starlink, Oscar program and the staff at the two clinics and cellphones. I was in Arizona visiting Territorial prisons, vacationing with Laura , going to Mexico with her to get her dental work done and my teeth cleaning and Christmas leathergood gift buying. I ridding my new Harley Nightster special around the dessert, out to the Army proving grounds and armour museum, the wildlife museum and the marine air base. It was a question whether I’d have any problems carrying the machine on the front rack of the F350. It had worked for Logan Lake but this was 5000 km’s plus of driving. I had so little repairs, the wiring cable and the sewage discharge. The truck passed inspection and for all the wear I consider myself blessed at how little went wrong. I really had a great go of it though of course I’d made sure everything was fine before leaving.  

So many moving parts.  My first time taking an RV to the US and back with customs waving me through both ways.  I had a dog with me and he rode on my motorcycle. Everything was amazing and all of it carried a bit of fear. I feel alive facing so many challenges. The hours of driving high speed especially in the LA freeways and the night driving looking for a camp spot were all challengeing.  I downloaded audio books onto my IPhone and played through the sync system on the Ford.  Driving on the highway was so much better with audio books.

So many pictures.!  I saw such different terrains, the great views of the amazing coastal road, the Oregon Beaches, the Redwoods, the desert and cactus, pelicans and sea lions, jets and just a whole alien adventure.  I ‘m really thankful for the experience.  

I’ve returned having avoided another Canadian winter .  I am here in the grey rainy darkness of Vancouver late winter and so thankful I had a heavy dose of sun. I was feeling drained and vulnerable when I left. Now I feel alive again and hopeful.  I listen to such sadness tragedy and anxiety.  Day in day out I respond to mental illness and physical illness in the worst of political times and here I’ve had lots of sunshine, exercise and relaxation.  It’s been a change too. Madigan is a constant companion and keeps me active. I’ve had musculoskeletal pains and been to chiropractors but the main message is exercise which thanks to him I do daily 3 or 4 times , half hour to an hour walks.  He’s such a peach too for a rascal who became a grumpy groweller after a bad experience with a groomer.  

I was trapped in the same old same old for a bit and now I’ve broken free from that. A regained joy of life. I’m loving cleaning up and organizing and being stationary.

I’d lost my appreciation of Burnaby and my work and this Workation has helped me refind my sense of purpose and a future. 

There’s even a fellow wanting to see my sailboat which is up for sale. I’m planning on getting the extended RV towing license just have to first get the ICBC knowledge test completed.  I’ve a hearing aid meeting tomorrow.  All goes well I’ll take the camper to storage and have my home office set up and be back in the routine but with a renewed mind.  I’m blessed.

Thank you God for helping me do all this. It’s a major challenge for me. I know sailing across winter seas through hurricanes is a big deal. Bicycling a cross Europe as a kid. Becoming a doctor and delivering babies, specializing and subspecizlign, managing a major practice for years and surviving the terribly outdated bureaucracies has all been achievements like fishing and big game hunting and all the little trips and the travels overseas. It’s all something. i ‘m getting old and was feeling old like there was nothing much to do. Always being asked about retiring.  Well I like my practice. I like what I’m doing. I liked that I worked sufficiently that I could take a month and take Laura to Scotland , London, and Paris, visiting the Hay castles and finally getting to the Louvre. I liked that I was able to work and save and yet there I was with a major cost and no money coming in. This time I did that thing people talk about , not touching the principle or savings but rather with continued work was able to pay the travel costs and dental bills. I also liked having work. I’m not doing the 80 to 120 hour work weeks but enjoying half time work at 30 to 40 hour work. I loved taking 2 hour lunch breaks to lie in the sun or sit by the pool.  That way I got the best of the sunshine where as when I’d only taken 1 hour lunch I rose in winter in the dark and finished in the dark.  The Spanish approach to mid day improved the winter season. I’m thankful now that days are getting longer and I’ll soon have evenings of light.

I’m back and I’m safe. It’s been a whirlwind at times but despite being older I’ve had a new adventure which was all the more fun because I could pay as I went and didn’t return to bills or loss.  

Actually I don’t as yet know what I’d do if I was fully retired . I really enjoyed having the 4 days of work each week.  The three day weekends were sufficient for play and I liked that I didn’t have to generate ideas of what I was doing to do this week because work and walking Madigan and activities of daily living structured my time. 

I’m home.  I ‘m still in Gypsy mode. When my brother became sick I prepared to move east sending my sailboat a head of me, applying for jobs in Ontario , to be close to my brother, and then he died. I’ve never settled since.  I have regained my love for BC and Vancouver.  I’m looking for ward to enjoying this amazing city and province. Being away as usual made me see what I took for granted and lost the appreciation for .  I really am looking forward to being a tourist in my city once again.  I have a new set of glasses.

I’ve loved the bi weekly doctors meetings.  I was feeling alone and alien and know I’m apart of a great human undertaking. It was good to be back at church.

I’m supposed to be writing novels and theology and memoirs but I’m just happy to be enjoying Walden Pond.  

I find myself thanking God for life, for the new day, for the air I breathe, for Madigan’s health. Yesterday , starting with the passsport to ending with the men’s meeting was a whole day of joy ‘in the flow’.  Thank you God for bringing me through this safely and now helping me return to a renewed life.  Thank you for being with me. Thank you for life in the spirit. Thank you for the opportunity to serve and be of service in my work as a physician, psychiatrist, and addiction specialist and the adventures I’ve undertaken along wit those pursuits. Thank you for the study and learning. Thank you for the mentors and teachers and elders.  Thank you for humans. 

God is good all of the time.

Thank you Jesus. 

Burnaby Homecoming

I’m happy to be home. I felt good crossing the border. At least after I’d been passed through customs despite Madigan humping my arm.  In retrospect the distraction might well have been helpful in her loss of interest in the old guy and the creepy dog.  I felt at home,  Less alien.  It also felt slower.  Northern California had been slower after LA, then Oregon and Washington and now I was at a peaceful home pace.  

My first irritation was the traffic slow down only to find three fire trucks , three police cars , two ambulances and a collection of boys and girls playing emergency. No evidence of a car crash. Yet the arrogance of government workers all having a laid back government privilege moment, while the working forces and myself were delayed in the reality of life. I’d just come from LA and this charade of over kill just wouldn’t cut it.  I noted I was irritated and yet here I was home.  My attitude of gratitude was affected instantly by one of my triggers, the countless times commuting my commute was increased by a bumper whip lash moment and ICBC legal lottery game.  All the public vehicles there and a lane shut down because of their presence.  I prayed and calmed myself.  Get on with enjoying being in Vancouver!

I’d achieved my goal. The snow was gone. I’d missed another Canadian winter. I may not be rich in houses or wealth but I’m richer in summers than many.  I’m thankful too.  I have friends who remained in Winnipeg with its long ugly winters and terrible mosquito black fly springs.  I’ve lived in the Frazer Valley and Vancouver Island with mildest winters and almost no mosquitoes and black flies.  For a decade I drove most weekends for down hill skiing in Whistler but returned to the mild winter in the south. I was even winter sailing winters while living here.  

I’ve wintered in London England, in rain, in Baja California Mexico in heat, in the terrific climate of the Northern Marianas Islands.  Most years I’ve done a few weeks in Hawaii or Mexico but this year it was December and half of January in Arizona and the rest of January and most of February in California.  I’m ready now for this spring that begins in March. I always associate March here with buying my Buell Blast motorcycle for a birthday and driving it for the first time. Laura who had a motorcycle license drove in the car behind me as  I only  had my beginner’s license.

I enjoyed coming back to my home spot in Burnaby greeting Mack first then neighbours Nicoleta and Ernest.  I talked to others. Like friends, where people knew my name.

I was disappointed with Laura who had other priorities.  I would have driven into the city with my big truck but I was exhausted driving and feared an accident after the success to date. I’d hoped to run over on my motorcycle but what I thought was a dead battery turned out to be just a stuck transport mode.  I naturally found this out the next day when I bought a motorcycle battery tender at Canadian Tire. Putting it on the bike got the transport mode symbol. I had battery and just had to figure out how to get out of transport mode.  I found the other battery charger I’d taken with me when I put the next unnecessary one in storage.  

I spoke with Atilla about enhanced towing license and began the beginner process. I’d thought I’d do the whole thing this week but realized I didn’t have time. The priority was to get my passport renewed as it ran out this month. I was thankful to have colleagues be references and used my motorcycle to ride to London Drugs for passport photos. 

I had a lovely ride to Coquitlam Apple Store to have the broken glass on my iPhone repaired and to have my old mini ipad restored on Apple Care.  The earliest appointment on that day was in 2-3 hours so I made an appointment for the following week and traded in my I watch for the latest tough one for outdoors and scuba.  I had taken to leaving my iWatch on even though it wasn’t meant for the terrains I did, like hunting on the quad . This new titanium one is suited to my lifestyle and has some features I appreciate. The watch has been really helpful with maps and directions . It’s my early birthday present,

Now I’m back in my camper in Burnaby. I’ve phoned everyone I need to , the Paul from Chilliwack towing, to bring back my forty foot fifth wheel, John in Chilliwack RV storage to know my plans and to prepare to get my Mini Car back and my Fifth Wheel exchanged for the camper.  I’ve contacted the Hearling Life folk for hearing aid apt having lost one of mine.  I even contacted the clinics to let them know I was physically present. I enjoyed talking to Adell my sister in law knowing she cares that I have arrived safe and sound.

It was a big to do. Another adventure. I really was able to snowbird and work from the south through the winter.  The cost wasn’t great given I was working rather than being off for a month. Star link and cellular boost were terrific.  I’d felt the absence and cost of going to Britain and France with Laura but this trip even with Laura joining me and seeing dentists in Mexico hasn’t been the same disruption. I’ve enjoyed working having the pleasure of motorcycling on weekends. I especially liked the long lunches and will be continuing them.. I’ve been able to walk Madigan before work , over lunch and in the evening. We have benefitted from the exercise.  I’ve even learned how to access bank statements from on line and will begin sending my material to Anil ,my accountant. I feel I’ve kept up despite doing 5000 km or more of driving my home about California and Arizona and making day visits to Mexico. 

It’s been a rush. I’ve prayed. I enjoyed St. Paul’s Church in Yuma. I was glad to see Priest Emily at St. Barnabus as I returned to give thanks.  I loved visiting the Bustards, Billy, Bobby, Alex, Izek, Kendra, Kevin and Anna.  I’d been on the way to dropping off stuff at the storage locker and missed the turn ending up in Surrey so visitted and was greeted by Vader their big German Shepherd type dog and the kids,  Hugs from Kendra.  I realized too that the stuff I was taking to the storage locker belonged better with them so they received the cd’s I’d taken from the Camper for the rainy day, the hose and pumps I had for transporting lake water to camp and the old sturdiest of them all tripod.  It saved me a trip to the storage locker which needs above all to be culled.  I spent 3 months without all the ‘excess’ I have in home and in storage and now I really need to lighten up.  So good to see the god family and god children,

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. Thank you Holy Spirit.  

 

Burnaby Home

I feel relaxed after the hours of driving to see a friend.  It’s good to feel safe and rest. I’ve made a list of the many things I must do in the next few days. Renew passport. I arrived home under the deadline so I don’t have to get guarantors as I would if I wasn’t renewing my passport with the old one there with me when I made the appointment.  I’d hoped to learn to pull my large trailer with the enhanced driver license and training. However to do that I must first get a beginner’s permit from ICBC.  That’’s the most I’ll be able to do this week.  I’m going to church this morning to give thanks. 

Right now Madigan is on the table and needs a walk.  I’m having coffee.  I’ll phone Paul to bring back my Fifth Wheel.  I’ll have to transfer the contents from this to that and get the cleaning ladies in. I also need to replace the animal destroyed couch with a new couch and maybe a smaller mattress to facilitate making the bed. Right now it’s really difficult due to the oversized mattress. 

I’ll take the beginner’s test then set up the test training and road test later in the year.  I really like this camper which has truly proved itself with Logan Lake, Harrison Hot Springs,  Yuma and Oceanside.

I’m thankful to be home.

I’m feeling relaxed and healthy and leaving for Yuma I was feeling sickly and afraid I’d die of Covid.  Another winter outside of Canada. What a blessing.  That is rich indeed. I’ve been able to renew and am looking forward to work and the new year. Just have to stay active. I’m so pleased with the outcome of the ‘land expedition’ .  I have never respected all the RV’s passing on the highway. I now appreciate what they have done.  I have even greater respect for my Mom and Dad.  LA freeways were a challenge.  It’s the fear.  Night driving and so many challenges.  I loved that I could get repairs done on the road.  I loved that I could stay a couple of nights off grid in National Campgrounds.  I liked that I could stay at the side of the road with the camper something I couldn’t do with a big rig.  It’s a whole learning process and I feel my mind has been rewired. Neuroplasticity and learning tasks.

I’m going to take Madigan for a walk and get on with the lists of things to do. 

Thank you Jesus.